something good.

hey, look at the bright side(s):

you get to party it up with the Meow-Meow this year,

AND

you never had to put up with that #$%@&* Ghostie!!!

-m.

Twenty Today.

you would hve been 20 years old today; which you deserved. & oh, what a wienie partywe would have for you! remember all the 20+-year-old hot dogs we met? how sure i was we would have that. then again, i cringe at the terror of having to start the hell from 2004 all over again now, or soon.

i love you so much, & i wish you were here, for so very many reasons.... one of which is, of course, biting the tail!!! ("ketchup bottle" is a close second.)

Liebe,
Mutti. ((:

this is that awful night.

oh, my sweet, precious, red shadow, how i miss you. this is the night i lost you, & i remember it in all too raw a fashion. three years gone? THREE? i cannot even believe everything has gone on so long without you, as everything i came to know included you. i totally cannot believe i have not gotten another Dachshund, as that was such a part of my identity; you were. how people recognized or remembered me just by you, or even knew me as just "your Mommie". i would have, without question, believed i would have another within the week if not day. why have i not? i have no idea. i remember falling to pieces when i met that little black & tan guy going to pick up Mr. Sixx from the neutering, & maybe one since then, but have not even looked; not at anything real. i saw one online, Maxine, that looked just like you; she was a doll. i asked about her & that was about it. i have been wienieless for three years now; so hard to believe. i guess i just cannot replace you. i want one so badly, i have no idea why i have not gotten another, i adored you & everything like you to precious pieces. i guess i never motivate myself to go looking, perhaps thinking everything could only be a faint copy. not just your looks, & you were just so gorgeous, sleek, lovely stag, big, beautiful "insect eyes", but your personality. not that i have met a boring Dachshund, but everyone was so attuned & attached to you; i guess deep down i know the comparisons would kill me. oh, my little girl, how you made just every good thing in my life more wonderful & every crummy thing liveable, from those first weeks alone in New York City, after only having been a Southern Girl, to all that followed, you were just my anchor & my strength for everything that came my way. pretty amazing considering your 9 pounds & tiny stature, but then everyone always commented on your "big-girl bark" & they were so surprised to see it was "just a little hot dog" at the other end. so many of them live to 20+, & i have to say i am still a bit bitter that i, who loved you more than words or kisses or petting could ever express, was deprived of say a quarter of your life, of what i hoped for, & what i always expected. but then, i wonder to myself, when would it EVER have been manageable to lose you, ever have been enough, ever okay, ever anything but a wrenching pain? when would i ever have been able to gracefully say goodbye to you as you left me & went off where i could not follow? i mean, mathematically, would not another five years with you by my side have made it that much worse to find myself without? Aunty Gloria just lost Skoli after 16 years a few days ago, & she had to make the terrible decision to help her on. we were planned to go & visit her tomorrow, your day that you left me, & Skoli was so Dachshund-y, i was just lying on the floor petting her last Saturday & all i saw was you. now i have to go & comfort her as i should, on a day that i feel my heart & mind are scattered so very far; it is almost too crazy to be true, but i certainly cannot back out on her now, as much as it will be a terrible & compounded loss. oh, Gretch, i love you so very much. i guess you are just the first precious & constant thing i have had to learn to go on without, & it certainly kills me. i still stare at your pictures, remembering what i was thinking when i took them & remembering the pain that i would so often be part of when "ex-Dachshund" people approached us when we were out, telling me tales of their last moments, the devotion, the loyalty, the pain, the disbelief; & you were so young, & i felt invinceable. i mean, i guess i always knew, but it just seemed forever away. forever away. although i surely thought you would still be here even now. i remember calling people to let them know, & the bawling; everyone just loved you so very much. you were just the most incredible dog, ever. & i even feel myself a little, just so ever slightly withheld from Sable, because all i can see in her is the end, & a whole lot sooner than even we had together, because that is just how it is for her type. like anything could be more lamentable than our short time; i cannot imagine less. i mean, i would say i love her to pieces, like you, but then i look at her & she is like a time bomb sometimes, & i have to snap myself out of it. it sounds crazy, but all the heartbreaks you saved me from caught up with me when i lost you. everything that you made "all better" came avalanching back upon me. so, it was losing you & then 15 years of "deferred pain", because i just got through anything & everything with you. all anguish was postponed. it seemed great at the time, but i guess not too good of an idea. but then when i think about it, i cannot imagine it having been any easier to lose my little red shadow anyhow, so i guess it was efficient to tie it altogether into a few months. i used to feel ridiculous, a lot, but then i read about someone else;s "lost year", & how their pet came into their life, & it was so very similar, i guess it is okay after all. i honestly do not regret a second with you, but i only wish i had more, so many more. i still have not completely realized you just are not here at all & will not ever be again. i remember how much i talked to you all throughout the day... & waking up to your precious little face on my pillow; i still so often expect it to be there when i open my eyes; one would think i had gotten used to it by now. oh, you made my life so wonderful; everything led back to you. i guess it was maternal, maybe that is how some of us go along without having children, i don;t know, all i know is i could never wait to get home to you, on the occasions you were not already with me, that is. you were not my only or my first loss, but you were just where i turned to make the others okay, so in your absence, & in losing you... you belie what is rational for me, because i hope only that there is somewhere, beyond just these too-short dreams, where i will be with you again. they certainly never underestimated the "man;s best friend" bond, not in your case. you were a miracle & an unimagineable blessing & your loyalty was beyond description. something in sleep is sympathetic, as every dream i have remembered since includes you, as normally you would be, & you are there with me as ever you were. well, off to sleep with me now, hopefully to meet up with you & "normal" again. i so love you, Gretch.