Confessions of a Barkaholic

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Merry Christmas!

December 24th 2012 12:44 pm
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So it are almost Christmas! I can smell da toys under da tree and da treatses up high! I can't wait to get all my presents, but da mommas make us wait until Christmas morning den we get to rip dem all open like crazy. I just have to find a way to get Finley not to try to open mine because when we get to ripping, well, we don't pay attention to whose package it are.

Today momma took da Christmas photos of all five us animals. Den me and Finley got our Christmas Eve baths and I heard momma threatening some Christmas Eve grooming so I'd look all pretty for Christmas. Dat are really stretching da limits of my ability to be good! Hope Santa Paws can understand.

Merry Christmas y'all and I hope you get lots of pressies tomorrow!

 

More Cardses!

December 17th 2012 4:34 pm
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So I are doing pretty good on da card count. So fars, I's gotten cards from
Mazy
Ebbers and Ceeley
Petey
Coco Rose and Puffy
Austin and Doo (actually it was 1 1/2 cards, BOL!)
Vinny
Freckles
Bella and Ichabod
Monty and Missy
Hershey and Winkie
Abbie, Charlie, and Toto
Preston and Elvis
Jolly and Annabel
and Krickette

I's gotten half cards from
Patrick
Duncan and Hamish
Fizzy
Riley and Caileigh
Zoe, Drover, and Tux
Jade
Eddie and Wallie
and da Morris Pack

So dat makes my card count 18 and a half. Versus zero for my momma, BOL, so I guess I are beating her at least.

But my little westie heart are getting a lil broken. Sees, I had da biggest crush on dat Ernie George dude and his ginormous hinder. I even started da campaign to get him to be Dog of da Week. And I knows his lil brothers, Bacon and Beanie, well dey's probably a little young for me, but I didn't get no card from dem. And Finley did bout a week ago. So are I not cute enough? Are it because I are missing some hair on my chest because dat are really Finley's fault, not mine. My momma says I's plenty cute, but I thinks she just may be being nice. SOB SOB SOB.

At least I gots my card from Freckles today and he are a pretty cute guy. So my lil westie heart are not completerly brokens. Maybe he are more deserving on my affectionating.

 

Advice Barkings

December 13th 2012 9:49 pm
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So dis are probably gonna be my lastest advice column because I are pretty much all outta questions. If you pupses want it to keep going, sends me questions, otherwise, well I'll just go sob and whine or somethin. I know I are not exactly no Dear Abby or whatevers, but I trieded.

So, here goes . . .

Whitley da Wise,
I gots a question fur ya.... What's with dis sharin' thing I keeps hearin' about? Like I should share da momma, share da toys, share my Chrissymus cards. I's not used to sharin'... Zaidie sez sharin' is fur sissies....

Well, I's a Texan and everyfur knows us Texans ain't sissies....

Whut's a pup to do?

signed,
Lone Star Nonsissy

Dear Nonsissy,
I don't know what are with all dis sharin talk. HunBun are right, sharin are for sissies. I's kinda a Texan too (even dough my momma says I don't count since I was born in Oklahoma). But us Oklahomans ain't no sharin sissies either. Da only kinda sharin I think are any good are momma sharin her foods with me, and by sharin, I mean her givin me as much as I want. I don't approve of sharin toys, after all, all da toys are mine. And I don't approve of sharin mommas, both da mommas are mine, after all, I was here first. And sharin Christmas cards??? Well, dat are just ridiculumous. So, we's gotta bark a lot bouts how we ain't no sharin sissies. Den maybe everypup will get da idea.


p.s. Ya gots any ideers how's I can get your Momma to quit waterboardin' me so often?

signed,
Drowning in Texas

Hmmm, maybe you could stop stinkin so much, I heard da mommas sayin you was smelly. And stop da scratchin and chewin, dat seems to get dere attention. Hmmm, maybe I needs to start stinkin and scratchin and chewin so I can get baths more often. I luvs da baths and I only get one a week. It are not fair.

 

I'm a DDP!

December 8th 2012 6:32 pm
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So I's a DDP today! Thanks so much to all my pals for all da rosettes, gifts, badges, and comments!

Da mommas has been real busy dese last few days making da cards. And I's started to get cards too! So fars, I's gotten dem from Ebby and Ceeley, Petey, Coco Rose and Puffy, Monty and Missy, and Bella and Ichabod. I's gotten half a cards from Zoe, Drover, and Tux, Duncan and Hamish, and da Morris Pack. And I's gotten one and a half cards from Austin and Doo. Now you pupses might be wondering how's I got half cards. Well, some of dem cards was addressed to me and Finley, and we is not too good at sharing. So sometimes I get da front half, or da bottom half, or whatevers. And sometimes it are more like a third, because well, when we's get to fighting over something, sometimes it gets kinda destructamated. Anyways, mommas cards are gonna be going out next week, so you pups can start looking in your mailboxes den.

And by da ways, if you are sending me a card, my address has changed. I's now living at Finley's address. Send me a pawmail if you needs it.

Now da mommas are gonna go work on da tree. I hope they work on getting me some good presents too!

 

Wednesday Advices

December 5th 2012 11:19 pm
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Dear Whitley the Wise(?),
No dice on your advice on how to deal wid da barkaholic....as they say around these here parts... "dat dog don't hunt!!"

I gots anudder question fur ya... duz you know how I can clone myself? I cannot be in 2 laps at once, and your Momma is always sayin' she needs a pup in her lap... this is a dire sit-you-mation cuz I's afraid dey might get anudder pup if I can't clone myself (seein' as how you's too busy wid da back of da couch to sit wid your Momma....)
signed,
In need of cloning..

Dear In Need of Cloning,

I really do not think cloning are da solution to your problems. I bet you has no problem "guarding" both the momma's laps by trying to keeps da other dog away from dem. So what you needs to do is not growl when dat cute little westie girl you lives with wants to come sit with her own momma. And besides, aren't clones sposed to have weird belly buttons? And would you really want another you because dat you would then try to keep you from sitting with either one of da mommas. I think you's better off without da cloning stuffs.


Is there anything you can do to make my Mummy appreciate my interior design skills? Like when I jump off the sofa suddenly and knock something over and she shouts at me - I'm only trying to make the room look pretty!

Mommas are known for dere inability to apprecimatate good design. Dat are why dey are always cleaning and putting up toys dat we carefully display on da floor. It are hard work being an unappreciated artist, but it seems to be what all dogs are doomed to be. You could always try doing something real stinky in da house. Den when you didn't do it again, your momma would apprecimatate dat!

 

Christmassy Cards

December 3rd 2012 3:42 pm
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So my momma are starting to work on my Christmassy cards. I are making her make dem real cute! If you pupses want to exchange cards, send me a message with your address. Just so da pupses know, my address from last year are not good no more since me and momma is back to living with Finley. So we's got da same address as Finley, send me a message if you needs it.

Da weather here has been great for getting walks. It is in da 70s everyday - it feels a lot more like spring dan Christmas, but we'll take it!

I's got to go work on my Christmassy list now - hoping Santa Paws brings me lotsa toys and clothes and treats!

 

Birfdays and Advices

November 28th 2012 9:16 pm
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Monday was my momma's birfday, she are 26 now which means she are super super old. She kept telling me I had to be nice since it was her birfday and without her birfday I wouldn't be here since I was a birfday present for her 16th birfday. So I was nice and slept up next to my momma instead of at her feets like I usually do. Even though I didn't get none of da birfday breakfast (crabcakes eggs benedict), bifday dinner (lots of shrimpies) or birfday lemon cake. I are just a nice generous pup like dat. But don't worry, I's got some bacon tonight so I is doing ok.

Now, on to dis weeks advices.


Dear Whitley da Wise,
I lives wid a barkaholic...dis pup barks every time somebuddy walks in da room--- how duz I ever get any peace and quiet around dis here place? Earplugs is not an option...
Signed,
Tired of da noise in da Lone Star State

Ok, "Tired of da noise." I think it is funny dat a pup who is "tired of da noise" likes to do her own yippins, which I has reason to believe are higher pitched dan da pup who is da barkaholic you live with. Not to mention your gronking, growling, squeaking, and other noises . . . Anyways, if you is so tired of da noise, I suggests you leave da room and leave all da peoples to da other pup if the noise is bothering you so much. And Finley, I mean "Tired of all da noise," leave all da treats too, yeah, dat sounds like a good plan. ;)

Bonjour Mademoiselle Whitley.

I am what my Mom calls a "charmer". I lurve the ladies.
That lady dog on the other side of the fence...she is not impressed with my vocal skills.
I've tried "marking" meeting spots to meet, only to find them desolate of my lady lurve.
What else can I do to attract her attention?

CutterButter

She are not impresed with your vocal skills? And marking don't work to attract her attentions? Well, dis lady dog can let you know dat da way to a lady's heart is by giving her presents. So bring out your toys and give them to her. And your treats. Hey, I've got a better idea. Come down to Texas and give me your treats and treatses instead. Yeah, so just head on down, we're friendly here, unlike dat unresponsive girly! BOL BOL!

 

Advices and Stuffs

November 21st 2012 10:19 am
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So here are my Thanksgiving week edition of my advice column - my most important advice are to make sure you get some turkey tomorrow. Ok, now for da questions.

Dear Miss Whit,
Whut can ya duz when ya needs your Momma to sits down so's ya can sleep on her, but she insists on runnin' around like a chickin wid its head cut off ( I never seen a chickin wid its head cut off but dat's da sayin'...) And is barkin' at (fill in the blank) your answer to most everything??
signed,
Lapless in Plano

Ok "Lapless." Barkin are not my advice to most everything, but it are an effective means of communercation dat should not be overlooked. Since you's got to have a momma to sleep on, I'd suggest turning your most cutest patheticist face on your momma - dat face dat says "I luvs you soooo much, I are so cute, won't you please sit down with me." And I'd suggest getting right under her feet so dat all dat chicken running won't distract her from your cuteness. And if dat don't work den you can try barkin. Dat will get her attention.

Why won't Zoe be quiet? She sits on the back of the love seat and barks, barks, barks. Mom hollers at her. She gets squirted with water. She gets quiet for a second and starts back up again.
I am getting old and like to nap a lot. Zoe's barking is quite disrupting.
What should I do?

Sleepless in Idaho

Zoe won't be quiet because she are a pup after my own heart, a pup who loves to bark. When you loves to bark, you can't be deterred by hollerin or water or any of that. I know, my momma has tried all dat on me and it do not work at all. If you wants a quiet place to nap, I'd try looking for a nice quiet spot away from you barkaholic pal, maybe in another room or something. Or you could try napping when she is napping. I bark in my sleep some, but it are a lot quieter dan my barks when I are awake. And remember dis - if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. If you join in on da barkin and you and Zoe have a good ol barkapalooza, maybe she'll get worn out and take a lil nappin break so you can get some sleep too. Or you could always invest in earplugs or burying your face under a pillow or something. BOL!

 

Advice Barkins

November 15th 2012 12:55 am
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So my advice column are a little late dis week, but you can blame dat on my lazy typist since I was ready a long time ago. Anyways, here's da questions.

Dear Whitley the Wise.

I don't have a Problem, my human has an Issue. I like to shove my hinney into the crack of the back of a certain overstuffed chair and the seat of it. Then I move my hinney back and forth for maximum top and bottom scratch coverage. I like it and can't help but moan my pleasure. This is usually how I get caught leaving lots of hair on the chair.

If it is called the "dog chair" are there not certain rights as said "dog" I have on the use of the chair? After all, I did not ring "house keeping" to come along and suck all the hair off the "dog chair".

Signed ~ Dog Chair ~

OMD, dat are called butt bumping around here and it are da most funnest thing besides barking and playing in da pool! I loves butt bumping, momma says I looks like I am trying to "back it up" BOL! Dere are nothing wrong with butt bumping, just don't do it too much because den you can rub all your hairs off - I rubbed a baldish spot on myself last year from too much butt bumping. And if something are called da dog chair, well dogs can do pretty much most anything in it. If your human wants it clean, dat are her problem and not yours!

Dear Miss Whitley,
How is a pup supposed ta get all da belly rubs a pup needs when your person is on one of those computer things? I has tried the quick pup kiss followed by a swift turn-n-flop to present my belly fur rubbin'-- but sometimes I just gets a "Finley!! Don't flop on the computer!" It's like dose hoomans think they are supposed to do sumthin OTHER than rub my belly!!
Yours,
Needing Belly Rubs in Texas

It are hard when your human are on dose computer things aren't it? When I decides I wants attention, I don't let dat thing stop me, I just stick my cute little fluff face right in front of it. Dat works pretty good. You could try barking at dem to get their attention, dat could work, but den dey might not be in da mood for belly rubbing. But since I are pretty sure dis are Finley, you kinda gives it away in your question, you could try going and sitting with my momma since she are always whining and moaning about how none of us wants to sit with her even though she feeds us and stuff. So maybe she'll be happy to rub your belly, BOL!

 

Da Weekly Advice Barkings

November 7th 2012 9:17 pm
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So in addition to it being my Gotcha Day, it are Wednesday which means it are time to bark some more advices to all my pals. Here's da firstest question.

Do you know what I'm like on these High Wind Days????????
I try to scare it away...I bark until, I have barkeritis....
They are threatening to buy a bark collar to use this winter.

WISE Whitley- How do I bark them out of this Idea??????
I don't think, it sounds like somethin' I wanna do...
Besides, Gma has always talked tome...from day 1...Now do they expect me to not have any commentaries??????????
signed,
Nervous Doxie of the Prairie

I love barking at wind too. It are fun and it needs to be barked at. Da bestest is sticking your head in da wind and barking like crazy. But I are confuseded. I never heards of a bark collar. Dat sounds like a collar dat would help you with da barking, maybe like dat goofy E-collar I had to wear. I basically used it as a megaphone. BOL BOL! But if it are a collar to make you not bark, dat do not sound good. And if your Gma talks to you, well dat are very unfair. Barking are just your way of talking back! It's like I tell my momma, I's got to bark a lot to be heard around here between you and Finley's momma ALWAYS talking it up! If dey insist on dis bark collar, I'd try hiding if they try to put it on you. Da best place to hide are under a piece of furniture where you barely fit and it are hard for dem to get you out. Dat's what I do when my momma are gonna strip me. Den you can bark from under dere, dat would show dem I think!

Now for my second question.

Whitley the Wise.

I have been told "growling" is not the proper "means of communication" when a "certain" human rolls over in bed in the middle of the night.

Is there any sort of "squatter's rights" I have to this property? After all "said" human abandons us daily for hours at a time. That has to add up "in dog years" for compensation and / or authority.

I's been edumacated at da Hahvahd School of Law and Barkings, or well, at least I has peed on da ground and fallen asleep on da law books. Which are basically what da law students do, besides stealing my dog treats to eats, which happened at a Halloween pawty. I think what you are describing are called adverse possession. Da requirements for adverse possession are dat your possession be actual, open and notorious, exclusive, continuous, and hostile for 7 years or minutes or something. And it sounds like you are meeting dat requirement. You is actually on da bed, it are obvious you is on da bed, only you is on da bed when da human abandons you, you is probably on da bed a lot of da day, and you is growling so dat are pretty hostile. So I think dat you own da bed and you is just being nice to let da human on it at all! Also, if growling are not da proper means of communication, well, let's just say my BFF Finley would have some problems, BOL! Growling are just fine, specially when your property are being invaded. In Texas, dey shoot people for dat.

 
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