November 9th 2016 11:42 am
[ Leave A Comment ]
How quickly time flies... it's been 4 weeks since I have lost you, yet it seems like only yesterday. But only now I am understanding the magnitude of this loss, the extend of my grief, the strength of the bond we shared. We truly were soulmates and we meant to have been in each others lives and therefore we were bound to eventually be apart. Yet, I still think that it is better to love and suffer, than to not love at all. Life without love is dull, unexciting, joyless and monotone. You only truly know how much you loved someone, but the pain you experience when they are gone, by the scars on your heart, by the tears that roll down your cheeks, by the sighs when you come across an item or a memory that reminds you of those you lost.
And that loss is forever, because you cannot change the past. You can only cherish what you had and preserve it. I often think of the things we did together. Do you remember your first puppy class at Sit Happens? Do you remember how terrified everyone was of you, because you were so scared of everyone. I won't forget how worried I was about you then. I couldn't imagine how we were going to cope. I thought I was way in over my head. No one warned me that you absolutely detested other dogs. Yet, I remember you graduating from your first class and wearing a nice grad cap. You earned it for sure. You have overcome something in the end, even if it wasn't all the way. And you taught me that the most important thing is to overcome your fears, overcome adversity, overcome obstacles. You taught me that everything is possible if you dream hard enough. You just have to believe and it will happen. You taught me how to believe in myself, to believe in dreams. You taught me to dream big and nothing was impossible with you by my side.
Now it's just me here, while you watch over me from the Rainbow Bridge. My guardian angel.
November 2nd 2016 10:59 am
[ Leave A Comment ]
Today marks 3 weeks since you are gone, since I have held you in my arms for the last time. Right till the very end, when you got so cold and I could not keep you warm. Today is also 10 years since you came into my life. Maybe by accident, but I tend to think that it was not a coincidence that we were brought into each others' lives. I no longer think that things happen at random. They all happen for a reason, often we don't yet understand.
I can now say that you have changed my life forever. Without you I would have probably never got through grad school and the awfulness I went through in the first year and a half. I would have never decided to go to vet school either. You changed my mind about all that. I also would not have started training to be a pathologist if it wasn't for you. I would have been a cardiologist. Lots of things happen because you were a huge part of my life.
Now that you are gone, I try to reflect on our journey together, on the beautiful memories we made together. On this day especially, I remember picking you up from the shelter. We have already had a visit the night before and I was in love with you. You were not in love with me yet, just with your balls and you were desperately trying to get two into your mouth at the same time. You also chewed an entire tire toy all by yourself during our initial meeting. You were not what they call a "good dog". You were different. But then how could I resist the fact that you scored 4/5 on the willingness to learn scale? But yet, there was no other family lining up to meet you :(. Quite by chance I put my name down... other puppies from Paws of Hope had many visitors. You had none. Now you had me.
When I was signing the adoption papers... I had to lie that my condo accepted dogs your size. I forged the letter. Little did I know that soon we wouldn't live there anymore and we would have a beautiful house of our own. The condo was a bad investment anyway. But more on that later. I remember that as I was finishing signing the papers, you just got back from your walk. You freaked out at a dog... something we would deal with for the rest of your life. Something they would tell me nothing about and it was something really important that I should have known, so that I could have helped you more right from the start. I remember them calling you beautiful, because that's what you were. This absolutely beautiful creature that I have already fallen in love with.
October 29th 2016 11:01 am
[ Leave A Comment ]
It's been 2 weeks since you left. You'd think that it would be easier now, but it's harder every day. As I am writing these word sitting in the kitchen, there is your hair stuck to my computer screen and I feel your presence, even though you are not lying beside me.
I wake up each morning and weekends are worst. Normally that would be our time to spend together, yet I wake up to the reality in which you no longer exist. It's difficult to just forget the time we spent together. You were a big part of my life, so life cannot be the same without you. Ever. Things will happen, life will go on, but this pain seems to be destined to linger, reflecting our love for each other.
You received a lot of cards and e-mails. You have no idea how much people loved you and understood what we meant to each other. It's heartwarming, but heartbreaking at the same time. It's a sad reminder that you are not destined to come back.
Fate can be a cruel mistress and it has dealt us a deadly blow. I'm sorry that she has been so mean and gave you the worst list of differentials no clinician wants to ever write in their patient's chart: ARDS, SIRS, PTE. There is no coming back from those. They are the worst of the worst.
Even though the guilt of this tough decision is gone, the pain of losing you lingers, a reminder of the short time we had and the beautiful memories we shared. My only regrets is not getting more videos of you, more pictures to cherish in this difficult time.