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The State of the Union by Lincoln Log

Bad boys bad boys whatcha gonna do.. whatcha gonna do when I- come for you..

This is Lincoln the K-9 Unit Bishop here... I started my new job the other day and boy is it exciting!! I went into the department ..(which one I work for is classified information, after all, the ugly poodle Vera is still after me and now that I wear a uniform I just can't get rid of her, that one night that I felt sorry for her was just soooo not worth it, now I have a stalker, a litter of freaky looking puppies that half look like me, and I have to give up half of my kibble every month...this is a really long tangent.) and got sworn in as the newest K-9 Unit. Can I just say something here? I.....am.....such.....a stud...!
My first day on the job was a rainy day .. in a small town... it was very windy. We got a call of a perp who had just robbed the corner grocery store. While running out of the store he pushed down an old lady pushing a shopping cart with her dog in her purse. Keep in mind, this dog was a Yorkie.. and her name was Eleanor. It was ON. We get on scene to the grocery store and after fixing the bow in Eleanor's hair, promising her I would find the bad man.. she blew me a little kiss and I was off! We started out the track and I was on a mission. My little boots were killing my paws because they weren't broken in yet and my badge kept hitting me in the teeth... my gold caps weren't taken off yet from the Cruiseline job so I was hurting. (makes me look like I should be on the drug team.) Finally, after about 20 minutes into the track, my little nose led me to a Schwann's ice cream truck. I went up the little steps only to find the suspect cowering near the ice cream cooler eating a Bomb Pop playing Tetris on his Gameboy. I ran up to him, smacked him acrossed the face (not in the training manual) knocking the Bomb pop out of his mouth, then, just for effect, I took my little boot and smashed it to smithereens...and growled. Now is when the fun begins my friends. I looked into his scared eyes, thought of Eleanor and went straight for the jugalar!! (I think I even tasted remnants of Bomb Pop.) Every time he screamed I kicked him in the stomach with my little boot. Mid bite, the news popped out of the ice cream cooler (where the hell do they come from, I think they're with channel 8??) Photo op - yours truly kept a hold on the perp's neck, flashed them a thumbs up and winked. I think the camera man actually wet himself when I did that. And the rest is history. 180 stitches later, the bad guy was released from the hospital and is now staying at the jail for a werrrry long time. Good guys = 1 Bad guys = 0
Ahhh just another day in the life of a tiny hero, yours truly. Later my sweets. Time to go home to Eleanor and make puppies. -Lincoln

These little legs are not meant for jockeying ...

Hello to my peeps... as I type this I am on the couch, watching the Animal Planet, with a six pack of Bud Light, a hot plate of Wings, extra spicy, some chicky fingaaz, a spray can of cheese, some cheese dip and a wheel of cheese. Before you go on about how jockeys are supposed to be slim let me add one thought. Screw being a jockey!! Yes, this large amount of food might disgust me as I look at it, but for the love of all things holy, I will finish it. I've done nothing but diet and and wrap myself using gauze and adhesive tape all week in attempt to fit into the wee jockey pants. As I was riding the plastic Barbie horse around the bedroom I could hear stifled giggles again coming from the fish tank (the guppy is the loudest one) as my little rolls hung over my pants, and the gauze started to unravel and peep out the bottom of the pant leg. But ahhh my friends, kharma is sweet. Whilst this was all taking place my unwrapping caused my tummy to go back to the way God intended it to, which in effect caused my pants to literally burst at the seams and the little silver button FLEW acrossed the room, landed into the fish tank where the little guppy (Hoover is his name) was laughing so hard he had his little guppy mouth open... and guess what? Into the little guppy mouth that button flew my friends! A few of the fish noticed about 20 seconds later that Hoover was choking which lead to 5 little goldfishes slamming Hoover up against the tank trying to dislodge the button. It came out... about five minutes later, the fishies were spent and Hoover had not yet returned to his normal shade of dark green.. oh it was great. So I ran up to the tank, ripped the remnants of my pants off like they were tear aways and screamed "Lincoln rules!!" then I took the can of fish flakes and chugged them like it was a shot. Anyway, on my way out of the room I tripped over the Barbie horse and pulled a hami. So here I sit on the couch icing my little leg and eating like it's going out of style.. oh the carnage.
While sitting on the couch I flipped it to Animal Planet where they are showing how to train K-9 dogs.. for police departments and the military. I've decided to go against the grain and ignore the fact the I am not a German Shepherd or Lab. I can wear a muzzle and act all hopped up on crack just like they do... I'll pop some Alka Seltzers in my mouth before I go to attack ..that'll get em going. I can see it now.. it will make mommy so proud! Alas, more on my K-9 training later, I've got some Wangs to eat!!! Much love my sweets, Lincoln the K-9 unit Bishop :)

Training to be a jockey is hard work...

Here's the newest on my little journey called life... I have decided to forego the gangsta rap lifestyle and start training to be a jockey.. not just any ordinary jockey, but I hope to make it all the way to the Kentucky Derby!! Oh my.. such big dreams for a little dog, I know.. but it's in the works my friends, it's in the works - and ohhh it will happen. First I need to find a horse. My mommy has a barbie horse from when she was little at grandma and grandpa's house.. that may work for now... but I need an extra soft saddle ... that barbie horse is like a million years old or something... it's at least as old as mommy and she is OLD. (don't tell her I said that though..)
So I was doing my stretches in front of the fish tank dressed in my training gear - picture this - Auburn sweatshirt.. (war eagle!) with blue richard simmons shorts... (you know the kind,) orange leg warmers, orange head band and some blue gloves (without the fingers - they make my push ups easier, plus I just look cool) and my tap shoes (part of the training was a little dance for the guppy and his gang of fish..) As I'm stretching I can hear stifled giggles coming from the tank... as well as outside.. not only was the fish tank erupting in giggles, but a nest of robins outside the window were pointing and laughing at me.. apparently I when I was putting my costume together I made the shorts a little too short if you know what I mean..
I've decided to name my horse Sweet Northern Saint... although I'm sure after a couple of hours on that plastic horse, I'll be singing like a sweet northern saint... good thing I'm fixed! Mommy said this was a special name.. her friend Doug (haven't met him yet) bet money on a horse of this very same name at the Kentucky Derby (yes I will hold the title someday) but the horse lost.
Alas, my paws are tired - what with all the typing and push ups... I can barely go on... I am going to sit in the steam room for now... I have about two sizes to go down before I can even fit into my wee jockey pants.. until next time my sweets, Yours, Lincoln :)