January 17th 2005 7:35 pm
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Okay, here's the deal, a few specifications, if you will. I have been around you for almost eight years now, and plan on being around for another eight, but you HAVE to start listening to me. I know you can understand what I'm trying to say, even if you do reduce me to a pathetic, whiny and mopey dope hound.
Case in point: Remember when you and the Guy Who Lets Me Eat The End Of His Burrito, aka, The Boyfriend Who Kicked Me Out Of The Bed And Looks Like He's Here To Stay would play "Where's Keepie"? That deplorable game where you would throw the ugly orange afghan on me and pretend that I was "invisible". Just how long was I "invisible" before I ran over and started gobbling up the cat food? Huh? About five seconds.
You see, I'm smart, maybe smarter than you. That said, your obviously not stupid, but when I come and put my head in your lap, I'm not asking for a rub. I want to go for a walk, like now. And not some worthless lap around the soccer field, I want an honest-to-god hour long run down the wash and back. And if you can't take me to the wash, have the heart to play ball with me. Heart meaning don't stop until mine is about to burst.
While I have your attention, we also need to address my feeding times. This whenever-you-get-around-to-it business doesn't work for me. It's 8AM, and 5PM sharp, and don't bother if it's just kibble; I want kibble, wet food AND warm water, otherwise I'll be forced to forage for myself. Like outta the garbage can. Or maybe I'll just make myself "invisible" and head over to the cat bowl.
As for Bessie, she can stay, but only because I get to bat clean-up on her food bowl and her forgotten half-chewed greenies.
So let's just cut the cute stuff and get back to the basics, okay? Exercise and food, more food and exercise. Well, and maybe let me on your lap once in a while? Oh, yeah, and then pet me real good, and let me lick you all over. NO! Darn it, I'm being serious now. Yeah, scratch me right there...ooh, I love you, Mom, you're the best ever. Do whatever you want, just don't stop scratching me!
December 2nd 2004 7:39 am
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Another Thanksgiving came and went, and did i see any turkey? No..., that's because I had prime rib!(ugh, and too much, it made me fart.) Of course, my mom made me eat some vegetables too, but she was smart enough to mix in the punkin pie with them, so I didn't turn up my nose.
After our big meal, we all went camping out in the southern Arizona desert. I don't know how many times I have tried telling the humans, but camping isn't exactly a vacation for me. At home I get to sleep in(under the covers, naturally), loll around in the sunshine, maybe stroll down to the park, but out in the big, bad wildnerness I have to be on patrol 24/7. Those da*n coyotes just don't give up, sundown til sunup they are out there causing a commotion. At least there is a warm fire I can lie next to, while everyone else is cozy in the tent(Bessie, I'm talking to you!). And all that talk about female coyotes tempting male dogs out into the pack is pure rubbish. I'm much too old for that kind of stuff, you know.
Yep, I just about exhausted myself keeping those varmints away from my campsite. Or at least my farts did.
November 25th 2004 7:26 am
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Please, can someone tell me, after almost eight great years of being numero uno in my household(save one sad puplet that moved on), has my human brought home this...this...puppy?
Was it something I did in a past life? Does my breath really smell that awful?(Wait, that's a rhetorical question). Does she not love me anymore?(Not possible, I'm too lovable.) More importantly, am I expected to share? Look, I'll share my toys, and her affection if I'm forced to, but nothing comes between me and my food bowl, got that?
I suppose the little rescue mutt is kind of cute(did I just write that?), and it is sort of fun to have someone to play with, but if I had it my way, I would be the only one around here(the boyfriend can stay cuz he feeds me bacon fat).
Hmph. I'll have to chew on this one for a while. Bessie! Go get me a rawhide!