1 year anniversary

Today was the day Mommy & Daddy said good bye to me as I crossed the rainbow bridge a year ago. Today is also Mommy & Daddy's 8th wedding anniversary. I'm sending them stinky doggy kisses from heaven. I'm having a good time watching over everyone - Mommy & Daddy are babysitting Charlie & Tara (grandma & grandpa's doggies) this week. Looks like a full house! Funny to see all 4 dogs in bed with Mommy especially since Tara is so big (she's a siberian husky). That would never happen if I was there - I liked having Mommy all to myself.

I know Mommy & Daddy still miss me - I saw Mommy shedding a few tears for me this weekend as she thought about my last weekend at home. I wish I could lick up those tears from her face for her. I wonder if she'll ever stop feeling the sadness?

Talks with Mama

Mama talks to me a lot even though I'm up here on Rainbow Bridge. I can see that she misses me. But she asked me if I felt it was ok for her and Daddy to welcome a new dog into the family. Of course I said yes! I was so lucky that they saved me from that stinky old shelter 4 years ago. I didn't know what it was like to be part of a family, to be allowed to lay on the couch and the bed, to be given kisses and held and loved. Allowing another doggy to experience that is the right thing to do! I know I'll always have a special place in their hearts and I know they aren't trying to replace me. Because honestly, how can you ever truly replace a dog as handsome as me? Woof! Hopefully the little doggy they adopt will love them as much as I do. I'm sure Cowboy will be happy too. I saw the doggy they are planning to adopt and he seems pretty cute, a little active for my tastes. *lol* But I never was a very active dog. He's going to be one lucky pup, that is one thing I'm certain of.

Barney's last day...

We did end up going to All Care and having them do the euthanasia procedure there. We didn't have any luck finding a vet who would service Apple Valley and my parents' vet was not going to be in the office until Wednesday and we didn't want to prolong Barney's suffering any longer.

But my mom and my younger brother were able to come home from work to say good bye to Barney in person. We had to drop Cowboy off at their house first because he would have been too anxious at the vet and we wanted to make sure Barney's last moments with us were as loving & peaceful as possible. Cowboy, Charlie & Tara all got to sniff him good bye as well though at home. I think Cowboy senses that Barney is gone but I'm not sure it has really sunk in for him yet. We brought back his collar and let him sniff it and he just gave us this look that seemed to say that he understood.

Barney tried to get up a few times in the exam room. We had him in his bed on the table but he kept trying to get up so I let him walk the best he could around the room. He seemed disoriented and quite anxious, he started panting pretty heavily in the waiting room. He's normally very calm when we're at the vet so I think he sensed something was different about that day.

When the oncologist came into the room, I think he had already been told by the reception tech that we thought that it would be Barney's day to go. He offered his apologies and acknowledged the frustration with how his particular cancer did not react as expected each step of the way. I'm thankful no one tried to talk us out of it nor did they suggest any further tests or treatment. Everyone just understood that Barney gave a good fight and that's all we could ask from him.

The people at All Care, especially the 2 chemotherapy techs , Renee & Lynette, whose laps Barney laid in during treatments, really loved Barney because he was such a sweetheart. So I'm glad we decided to come down because in the past month, they were all familiar faces to Barney. They all got to say good bye as well as they were the ones who came in to prepare him with the IV and catheter.

We asked for a private cremation and will probably spread his ashes when we are ready. He loved exploring the ledge above our rock slope in the backyard so maybe we'll do it there in his memory.

I am really trying to focus on all the happy memories we have with Barney. All his cute antics. All his funny quirks. It's helping me to deal with this loss. The house definitely feels different. As we drove home last night, I had Cowboy in my lap and started to fall asleep. I jerked awake and for a moment, I thought I was holding Barney. It feels a little surreal still. I got out of the shower this morning and immediately looked to my side of the closet to see if he was laying on the carpet there waiting for me out of habit. I miss him so much. It's hard to believe he won't be trying to get head pats as I put on my make-up in the morning or that he won't be laying by my feet on the couch as we're watching tv. It's hard to believe I won't hear his deep loud bark anymore whenever someone rings the doorbell. I'm going to try and write a list of Barney memories with my husband so as the time passes and memories start to fade, we'll still have it written down to remind us over the years.

Seems mighty unfair that our dogs live for such a short amount of time on earth. But what a mighty impact they make in our hearts during that short amount of time...

Good bye, sweetheart

Today, we said good bye to our dear sweet Barney. This weekend was just too hard on him. The cancer had wreaked havoc on his little body. It feels like it happened so fast. But I know he's now at peace and in heaven where his body is strong and he can do all the things he loves again. Thank you all for giving us encouragement and support this past month. It truly means so much. Will try to write more later once it all sinks in. Today is my 7th wedding anniversary as well...

Barney, I am going to miss you. I already do. It's like a piece of my heart is missing. Even though there will be many tears to be shed still, don't worry about your Mama. I'll be ok. I know you'll be watching over us and waiting for us on the Rainbow Bridge. Missy, Sparky & Pepper will take good care of you up there until then. We love you and hope you know just how much you mean to us. You'll always be my baby boy. Thank you for all the unconditional love you gave to me and for being so strong and brave til the very last moment. I hope you can feel our love from all the way up in heaven.

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

Feeling bad...

I'm feeling pretty crummy today and pretty weak so I'm telling Mama what to type. First I really want to thank everyone for all their support from all over. It really warms my doggy heart to feel all your love surrounding me. I had radiation on both Tuesday & Wednesday and they let me go home with Mama. I did my best to really rest afterwards and Mama gave me some new foods to try which I really enjoyed. Foods like Innova Evo and Wellness Core. My belly got really big really fast though over a few days. I guess it filled up with a lot of fluid. Mommy & Daddy said I looked like a little goat.

On Saturday morning I felt really weak and when Mama got up I couldn't even follow her like I normally do. She came back into the bedroom with a piece of cheese (with the medicine in it) and I couldn't take it. It just didn't seem appetizing. So Mama called All Care and they suggested that she take me to the local vet to get my belly tapped and maybe that would make me more comfortable.

So we went and of course they wanted to take my temperature. I was so weak though I couldn't put up a fuss. I just laid on the table while they did it. Then they took me to the back and they started to take the fluids out of my belly. Told me they got 620cc's out which I guess is a lot for little dog like me! Then Mama took me home and I tried to rest but I still didn't want to eat all day and night. Mama laid on the couch with me and brought out the fan so it could blow on my face- I like that, it feels good.

This morning I stayed in bed again when Mama got up but then I really wanted something to drink so I decided to jump down off the bed and when I got to the hallway I started to slip & slide. My back legs weren't working that good. Mama must have heard me and saw how I was struggling so she came and scooped me up to bring me to the water bowl. After I drank, she took me outside to pee and put me beside one of my favorite plants. I tried to lift my leg and lost my balance so I've just been peeing with all 4 legs down. I did manage to eat a little piece of cheese this afternoon though - Mama hid the prednisone in it.

The C stuff really stinks. I guess we're going back to the vet tomorrow instead of Tuesday so they can check me out since I started feeling so bad so quickly. Daddy gets to come with us this time because he has the day off. I know they'll make the best decisions for me. Again, thanks for all the positive thoughts and prayers our way. I'm hanging in there. Doggy kisses & hugs for you all.

Radiation Day 1

Hi- this is Barney's mom checking in for him today since he is unable to blog from the vet's office. He had his first radiation treatment this morning. We had to be up before the crack of dawn to get him there by 5am. He definitely knows when we're going to the vet now because it's just too early in the morning to be going somewhere without Cowboy. He had a tough time getting settled in last night- his breathing was still pretty hard even after they aspirated him yesterday morning. I guess the fluid is building up in pockets throughout his chest/body so it's difficult to really get all of it out. They pulled out 250cc's yesterday I believe they said. So when I brought him in this morning they told me that he would be under anesthesia during the procedure and because of the fluid and his breathing, he is a higher risk patient than normal. Of course there's the regular paperwork I had to sign to consent for emergency treatment should something go wrong. The reality of it caused my heart to drop a little and the thought crossed my mind that it could be the last time I kissed him good bye. I tried to push away those thoughts and just prayed to God to watch over my little worm and to give the doctor and tech the guidance they needed to ensure his safety. When he woke up from the anesthesia, his breathing was pretty labored so they put him on oxygen in a little oxygen room I guess. Who knows how much that added expense will end up costing! But he's awake and alert now and they're observing him before they give him food. So one radiation treatment down, one more to go tomorrow morning. Thank goodness Barney is so calm and loving with the people there. If it was Cowboy going through the same thing, it would be much more difficult for them! And dropping him off each time would probably be a small nightmare. But Barney always puts on his brave face and it gives me the courage to be brave for him too.

uh oh

Looks like I'm not doing so good. :( I had trouble breathing last night. Went to the vet this morning for my 3rd week of chemo and they took another x-ray of my chest and the fluid had built up again. This probably means I'm part of the 10% of lymphoma cases that are resistant to the multi-drug chemotherapy protocol. I was feeling so good this week too! I ate well, Mommy & Daddy gave me lots of treats & put yummy sauce on my food called Excel Enervite dog paste, we even took a trip to Petsmart with my brother, Cowboy. So it looks like I won't be having any chemo done today. They're going to drain the fluid from my chest again. Mommy says the doctor wants to do a new treatment on me called radiation. It is supposed to attack the cancer cells in the lymphoma mass in my chest. Mommy says it will be 2 consecutive days of treatment so the vet wants me to spend the night in between the 2 days so they can observe me. Who likes to be watched all the time? Sometimes a dog needs his privacy. But Mommy says if they think it's best then I probably should this time. Hopefully the radiation works. At least I don't have to do chemo for a couple of weeks. After radiation, they said they will probably switch me to an oral chemotherapy protocol with a drug called CCNU. It's only given every 3-4 weeks. Mommy believes in me. I'm going to do my best to get strong & better. I have a lot more bushes to pee on and a lot more places to sniff & explore on this earth! Wish me luck! It looks like I'm going to need it. The cancer is tougher than we thought.

Back at home!

I didn't end up having to spend the night at the vet yesterday! Yippeee! I was so happy to see Mommy & Grandpa when they picked me up. I didn't want to spend the night alone. I even ate a bit of dinner while I was at the vet. They had me hooked up to an IV and catheter from noon til 8:30pm. They also gave me another dose of Elspar which was the first chemo drug I had done last Saturday. The fluids must have really helped because I felt a lot perkier. They also gave me a shot of steroids while I was there. They said it would help my appetite and also make me very thirsty.

My taste buds have changed though. I don't like boiled chicken. I don't like ground beef. I don't like rice. I don't like eggs. I don't even like my nutra nugget dry dog food I used to love. Grandma & Grandpa feed Charlie & Tara (my cousins) Purina Beneful and I thought that was pretty good. Mommy says it's not that good for me though so she said she'd have to do some research and hopefully find something I will like to eat, that is easy for my to digest and hold down even when I'm not feeling well, and that is good for me.

Anyone on a high protein, low carb dog food diet? Any recommendations I can give to my mama? She told me I'm costing her an arm and a leg but that I'm worth it. I'd like to save her some money though so if you know of a good food that isn't too expensive or a good place to buy it, that would be great. Woof woof!

It's been a hard day's night...

It's actually been a really hard week for me this week. Chemotherapy last Monday really made me feel bad. I was nauseous, didn't want to eat. And you know me, I love to eat. Anything. My mommy found out on Saturday that they had missed giving me a prescription for prednisone. She said it could have probably helped me with my appetite this week so she was a little upset that it was an oversight. I did eat a little better Sat & Sun though after I got the prednisone. I like it when Mommy feeds me by hand. It makes everything taste better.

We came back down to Grandma & Grandpa's on Sunday afternoon. I love them but I know what that means now, I have to go to chemo the next day. We wake up so early on Monday to get there on time. I just didn't want to eat. Nothing looked or smelled good. I didn't want the piece of cheese, I didn't want any sweet bun, not even the bacon snack looked good. I took a few licks of peanut butter but that was all I could muster up. Mommy tries to hide the meds in them and normally I'm really good about taking them but I just couldn't yesterday. :(

They took another x-ray of my chest. I started coughing a little bit when I got there. Funny. I hadn't coughed all week. Apparently, the fluid had reaccumulated and they poked me with needles to get it out. They gave me something first which made me really sleepy though. I felt really out of it. I don't even remember being given the chemo this time. When Mommy came to pick me up, I was still so groggy, I couldn't lift up my head. Mommy had to carry me while she signed me out. I stayed pretty out of it til late last night. (forewarning: maybe TMI next) But I also started having the runs throughout the night. I kept having to jump up and go. Mommy & I didn't sleep very well. I did start feeling thirsty though a bit but I threw up this morning and Mommy took away my water. :( Food still doesn't look good to me. And I didn't want to take my meds again. Mommy seemed a bit frustrated. She called the vet and I guess I'm going back in today. She told me I have to spend the night. They want to give me fluids through an IV and get me "over this hump" since I'm such a little guy. I don't like being away from Mommy and I miss Daddy. Daddy is at home because he has to work. He doesn't get to come down to Grandma & Grandpa's with us. Hopefully I feel better soon.

Ick...

I haven't been feeling so great since Monday's chemo. They gave me something called vincristine and it's made me nauseous. blech. I don't even want to look at food but I tried to eat some because I know it makes Mommy happy. And she was nice enough to cook me rice and chicken so it would be easier for me to eat. But I couldn't stomach more than half of it. I kept it all down though. But this morning when it was still dark (Mommy says it was around 4am), I ran outside because I felt like I needed to puke. I didn't want to puke inside the house. I puked again around 8:30 this morning. Mommy didn't try to give me any breakfast. She says she's going to try and have the doctor call in a prescription for me to help with my sickness. Boy, I can't wait for this feeling to pass.