Pepe le Peee-uuuu

That blasted skunk is back! He is living under our house! Mom went on the internet and what she found said that they don't like mothballs so she put some under the house. Guess what! He doesn't care if there are mothballs there or not. He has a nest underneath the kitchen in the crawlspace and it is warm and there is water and it is right close to the trashcans so he can help himself to whatever food he wants. On trash day when there was nothing to eat, he came in through the dog door and was eating MY FOOD! I yapped and yapped and then ran into mom's room and hid under the blankets so I would not get sprayed again. Mom went into the kitchen and I heard her say "HOLEY CROW! You get out of here, you little beggar!" And he hissed at her and scrambled outside real quick.

Mom called the Critter Gitter and he said he would come and trap the skunk, but, guess what? They "dispose" of them humanely is what he said and mom says NO WAY! She thought they would carry him off to somewhere he could have a better life. But the guy said that is illegal because of rabies or some such thing. She says it's not that little guys fault that he is hungry and homeless........and oh, no, I could hear it coming. Mom is a big softee. Mom is a sucker for every homeless creature out there! She says, okay we will keep the trashcan lids closed tight and put hot sauce on the bags and keep him out of the trash and I got really happy thinking that if he couldn't eat, he would go away somewhere else and THEN................SHE BOUGHT HIM HIS OWN BOWL!

No kidding! She looked on the internet to see what pet skunks could eat and GUESS WHAT! Skunks can eat cereal and bread and CHEESE and ham and turkey and macaroni and rice and fruit and all kinds of things. Some of the BEST scraps can go in that stinker's bowl!

I watched carefully yesterday and sandwich scraps went into that bowl and one pizza bone that I would have been HAPPY to eat and leftover cereal from the little boys breakfast and some wilted grapes they didn't eat and leftover pasta that she said nobody wanted ( I guess I am NOBODY!) That stinking skunk had a HEAP of food! There was even ham and cheese scraps that fell out of Justin's wrap sandwich! I danced around the bowl and let mom know that I was hungry and willing to go without my dog food and eat scraps but mom said "No Way, you are getting to be a pot bellied pig" and I danced some more to show her that is MUSCLE, it is NOT FAT! But, did she listen? Oh, no!

About 10 o'clock last night I could smell that stinking skunk come out of his den and I heard him crossing the side yard to go to that bowl. I heard him slurping up that good food and I yipped and yapped and them ran into mom's room and got under the blankets. There is NO WAY I am getting sprayed again! NO WAY!

I got a quick look at him out the living room window and let me tell you, if there is ANY pot bellied pig at this house, it is Pepe le Peee-uuu. He is one fat rascal. I hope it is fat and not a bunch of skunk babies that will REALLY eat all the scraps!

Drive By Shooting

Oh, btother, am I ever in the doghouse. AGAIN! Mom says I am worse than a two year old! Wait a minute! I AM a two year old. She says I need STRICT supervision! Whatever! But, I am in serious trouble.

Tonight I heard a big cat out in the yard and it wasn't Notcho either. I dashed out the door and didn't even take time to bark a warning shot. I was all wired up because the little boys were here and part of my job is to protect the small silly creatures. I flashed outside and ran to the bushes by the back shed and there was a big black and white cat. That sucker didn't even bat an eye, he just turned around and SHOT ME! You heard it right. Your pal, Harley, is the victim of a drive by in his own back yard. I tell you, guys, it['s a JUNGLE out there!

Now, I have heard about mace and tear gas but this stuff was unblievable! My eyes burned and my nose burned and I staggered back to the house and ran inside and got on my pillows. I was sneezing and pawing my eyes and my nose and I couldn't see straight and, to tell the truth, I was SCARED! I never knew what hit me!

Did I get any sympathy? DOG NO! Adults were jumpimg up and yelling something about a skunk and I heard the word STINK about 12 times and the little boys were saying PEEYOOOO, Harley Stinks! And mom scooped me right up and took me to the bath tub and rinsed out my eyes and wiped off my nose and then ran a bucket of water and yelled for big Justin to to open a can of tomato sauce and they dumped that all over my back and rubbed it on my chest. Then I got shampooed and conditioned and toweled dry and nobody even asked me what happened! They think they know it ALL! Not a thought for my dignity! No respect!

I wanted to go back outside and see if that big cat was still out there but mom locked me in my crate AGAIN! AND, she says I can't sleep in the bed tonight cause I still stink! Did anybody ask me if I wanted to call my attorney:? Or Deemster? NO! Did anybody ask for MY side of the story? NO!

I tell you guys, this is a wild neighborhood. Is this what they call the GHETTO?

FUN

I discovered today that Mom does NOT know how to have fun. I suppose it is up to me to teach her. Last month, Jessie and Kelly and Dawn came over. I used to live with them and Jessie was my little mom until she had to go to school so much then she asked my new mom to find me a home. Anyhow, that's old news. They all cut a lot of branches out of the trees and yard and made a HUGE pile. I was so excited! There were plenty of sticks to chew on! Enough to last the rest of my LIFE, for gosh sake. I have been having a great time while mom is at work. I drag sticks out of the pile. I haul them around the yard. I chew them up. They are moist and green and make my teeth feel good. Mom says "Okay, Mr. Fuzzypants. You need to QUIT! Do not drag sticks all over my yard. " She is going to burn the sticks. Now what fun is that, I ask you? She spent a whole lot of time today breaking up big branches and making them little. She put them in a neat pile and told me not to go near it!
Let me tell you what else she ruined! About a week after they cut sticks, Kelly came over and tilled up the ground. It was the greatest place EVER! I could race through the dirt and dust would fly all over the place. Birds would come there to munch on worms and I would lie out there and wait until they got busy then RUN right up and scare them. When it rained, it was muddy and squishy and my paws would sink into the muck and I would stomp around and run around and have a blast!
Then, she ruined everything! She planted green things called tomato plants in the muddy ground. I thought it was neat. She had made markers for my racetrack! I ran around them and skidded into them and slid and slipped and had a BLAST! Then came the trouble. Mom is saying "what the Heck (I"m using the nice word) happened to my tomato plants? " This better not be YOUR doing, Mr. Fuzzyfeet! "
Well, DOH! Everybody KNOWS that if you have guides for your racetrack, they better be sturdy in case you crash into them. It's not MY fault she put such frail markers on the track!
Apparently, it is not a racetrack. Today, on her day off, instead of just breaking up sticks, she took the good strong chewing sticks and planted them all around her new tomato plants and RUINED the race track. She put tall poles up for the beans to climb. She put smaller stakes around the pepper plants. Now my dirt track is WRECKED! She calls it a garden. I call it a nuisance!
I was thinking of opening a dirt track so the folks from Savannah Blue Bell's Bar B could come over and race with me or maybe a mud wrestling ring. But NO! Now we have a garden with tomato plants and other stuff that doesn't sound edible at all. Why couldn's she plant a Burger Patch?
The only good thing is that it is still easy to see the snakes. I laid and watched her work and when I saw a snake come out, I ran and tried to corner him. I thought mom would be happy. But NO, she says don't chase the snakes. They eat the mice so leave them alone. I thought that is why we kept the cats around here.
Mom needs some serious help I think. Someone needs to set her straight. I'm so little, she doesn't listen to me. Maybe some of you big dogs could talk to her. Mom is NO FUN!

Total Lockdown!

The house went into total lockdown last weekend! It was scary! Mom found out that a raccoon was coming into the house through the dog door. It must have been hungry because it climbed up on the dryer to eat the cat's food. I kept chasing it out of here and mom kept locking me up in my crate and telling me I was a "bad dog" for chasing the cats. Boy, was she embarrassed when she found out it was a raccoon I was chasing.

She got really worried because she said I was a feisty little guy and if I cornered that critter, he would make mincemeat of me. She says coons are dangerous if they are cornered and she knew I would try to trap him. She was right! I was AFTER that guy! He got me locked up so many times! He ate all the cat's food and mom was calling Notcho a pot bellied PIG because so much food was getting eaten. (That was kinda funny).

Anyhow, she borrowed a live trap and put an apple with peanut butter in there to tempt our fuzzy intruder. I tried to lick the peanut butter off the apple but mom said she did not want to trap any funny little dogs. So all the cats had to come inside and stay there for the whole night and the dog door got locked up and mom made me stay in my crate so I could not go running and barking to the door and scare off the coon. We were in total lockdown all night and I hated it!

I could not go out back to take care of my morning business because that creature was caught in the cage and mom said he was so big and fat she could not lift it up. I was glad when a man came to get him and take him away. I didn't even bark at the man. Well, only a little, not a serious bark. Mostly I was barking goodbye to that intruder.

Mom said that the man will not kill the coon. He keeps them for a while and feeds them and uses them to train his hunting dogs. He teaches them the scent to follow and then lets the coon back into his woods. Coon hunters have that job. HUMPH! Nobody had to teach ME to hunt him. My job is to keep intruders OUT of the house. If mom had listened to me instead of locking me up and blaming me for chsing the cats, he would have been gone a lot sooner. Anyhow, the good thing is, he is gone and I got some treats because I am a "good dog" and mom was sorry she had to lock me up. I got peanut butter and some hamburger too. Yaaaaaaaaay!

Confusion

Well, it seems there is some confusion about my origins! My previous owners saw my Dogster page and informed Mom that I am NOT a purebred Jack Russell, but a mixed Rat Terrier. So Mom is bouncing off to the rat terrier pages and looking at those dogs and she thinks I look more like a Jack than a Rat and whatEVER..........and then she pats me on the head and tells me it doesn't make any difference what anyone else says I am, I am her own little Jumping Jack, chaser of snakes and flies and her funny little guy. So there! What's in a name anyhow, she says? Then, by the way, she never could figure out why they named me Harley, after a huge roaring motorcycle when I am small and sleek and fast like the wind but do not roar.
So, she went to my friend Boris' page because Boris has a Peculiar Aristocratic Title and she thinks I should have one also. It would be sort of cute since I am Lord of the Yard! Anyhow, she didn't like the name they came up with either, so she gave me her own Peculiar Aristocratic Title and this is it.

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Sir Harlequin, Lord of the Po Flatts, Bane of Snakes and Squirrels Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Attention all DOGSTERS!

I heard a rumor that my good friend, Demon Flash Bandit was thinking of running for President of the USA. Maybe you have heard of him. Certainly you know him if you hang around at Burger King because he is crazy about Burger King. Mom and I talked it over and she says being president is a very important job and in no way should be filled by someone incompetent like the current FIA (fool in charge). And if I am going to vote, vote for the best candidate possible.

I gave it a lot of thought. Deemster (that is what his friends call him) is a really likeable guy and has a lot of sense. He knows how to get along with others. He is friendly and concerned about the little guys AND he has a dad who takes him to Burger King!

I say we all get together and vote for Deemster for President! We need some intelligent leadership. And, we could all be eating Burger King!

GO DEEMSTER!

Sp;ring Tag

Natasha, that frisky girl, tagged me with spring tag. Now I have to enter some stuff which requires me sitting still long enough to think! HUMPH! I'll get you, Natasha!

Name 4 jobs you have:
Keeping Notcho off the chair
Keeping Notcho off the bed
Keeping snakes away from the yard
Keeping flies off the wall, and spiders and ladybugs and bees

Name 4 Places you have stayed at:
my first owner.........I can barely remember that place
SICSA I don't want to go back there
Jessie's house.....I love Jessie
Mom's house

Name 4 Places I would rather be:
chasing squirrels
sleeping under the blankets on Mom's bed
earing peanut butter
racing around the back yard with the little boys

Joke de Jour

Mom told me to pass along this joke because it is a great doggy joke: it's a people thing I guess cause I don't get it.

"A dog named Mace"

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace.

Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn,
so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became
overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in his back yard and dropped
his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the
life of him so decided to call it a day.

That night Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the
back yard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his
wrench glinting in the sunlight.

Realizing what had happened he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed...

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!"

Joe is Good

Joe came to fix the roof on Saturday. I barked and barked at him. Mom put her hand over my mouth and said in a stern voice "You need to QUIT! Do you want to go in your house?" Well, no, I don't want to go in my house. I like to sleep in my house (crate). I like to hide from the little kids in my house. But, my house is boring. I can't see people in the house. My house smells like me and my toys. My house does not have any new and interesting smells. I don't want to go in my house. So I quit barking.........for 10 seconds. She told Joe it would be all right if I just smelled him so he stood really still and put out his hand so I could sniff. He treid to tell me I was a good dog but I wasn't fooled a bit.

Then, I barked louder. I rolled my eyes at mom to try to tell her about Joe but she didn't pay attention. She said in a louder voice "Joe is GOOD. He is going to fix the porch. Joe is GOOD and you need to QUIT!" and she put her hand over my mouth again. I growled a low growl. I tried to warn her. Joe might be good but he smells like two chee-wa-was. He has two chee-waa-was on his clothes! TWO! Not just one, two chee-wa-was! And one is a GIRL! And she is going to have babies! Mom! I don't want those chee-wa-was in my house! Close the door! They might come in here and take my job! Danger! Danger! I like my job!

Then mom said, "Okay, Mr. Hairyfeet! You go in your house until Joe is done with the porch. I don't want to listen to that yipping any more. Now MARCH, Mr. Stubtail. " So I had to hang out in my house. I quit barking and laid my head on my moose but I growled some of the time. I'm not letting any chee-wa-was come to THIS house and take my job.

After Joe left she let me out of the house and I ran to the door and sniffed all around to make sure that he was gone and that he didn't leave any chee-wa-was here. I barked three more times. I tried to warn her. It's not my fault if Joe comes back and we get invaded by chee-wa-was.

STINK

I learned a new word. The word is STINK! It's a bad word. Mom says, "Dawg, you STINK!" and out comes the ear cleaner and the soap and a bath and towels and then something she calls glycerine. Oh, she is proud of that mess! She told me she went to the store and got the glycerine and put other special oils in it to keep away the fleas. She said it would make my hair smell good and my skin not itch and keep my naked belly skin nice. It smells like the mint she grows outside to keep the mice away from the apple trees. She thinks she knows EVERYTHING!

BUT, I have a secret. There is a dead bird outside that Lady Slick or Notcho killed. I play with it. I jump on it and roll on it and I feel like I am KING OF THE YARD! It smells like power, like conquering the world! It smells like Harley is Master of the Yard! I will keep all those other animals OUT except for Notcho and Lady Slick. They are helpers.

If mom says STINK again, I will run and hide under my blankie where no one can see me. I will wait there and POUNCE on anybody who tries to come near me.