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Nikki's Memories

Holiday Grief

This is such a hard time of the year for so many people. People expect us to be happy so we feel guilty when we are not. Many of us look at the holiday season with dread. We remember those who we have lost. My mommy is remembering all the wonderfur paws she has had in her life. I am not sure why, but she cries when she remembers some and smiles when she remembers others. I think she feels she could have been a better mommy. But, I know she tried very hard to make all of us happy and healthy.

The one thing that helps mommy get through this season is trying to help others. Mom doesn't go out much. She has become rather an isolationist (that's what she calls it) but she sees people in need all the time on her dogster and catster groups and she just wants to reach out as best she can to comfort and help people and their paws in any way she can. Sometimes its just to send a rosette to let them know someone is thinking of them. Sometimes its a small donation to a pup or kitty in need and sometimes its a personal pmail to someone who is hurting. I don't think mom does this to make her feel good about herself but she finds it does help her cope with her own sense of loss and sorrow.

Thank-you dogster and catster for being here and letting people like my mom have a place to meet others who love their pups as much as she loved me.

A Rough Day

I have been at the Rainbow Bridge for a number of years now and mom has adjusted to life without me which is as it should be. That does not mean that she has forgotten me. She has just learned to continue her life knowing at some point we will meet again. But, there are days which are very, very hard on her. Sometimes these days come out of nowhere and smack her in the head, a fleeting memory will jump out or she will hear or read something that brings me back in all my glory. Then, there are the days that she knows are going to be tough getting through, like my birthday or my cross-over day. There is a third day that is always hard for her, too. The day she puts up the holiday tree. The Christmas before I passed away, mommy bought one of those silly little ornaments from Wal-mart, just a little wooden dog with movable legs and holding some bones. Oh, and he is an angel dog 'cause he has wings. For some reason, even though I was 10 years old, I nibbled on one of the legs. Neither mommy nor I can remember whether or not she got angry, but I don't think she did. But, to make a long story short, every year when she puts up the tree and she comes to that ornament she just can't go on for a long time. She just cries, holds the ornament for awhile and relives all the guilt she feels about things that happened in my life. I always try to tell her she loved me and she tried hard to make my life a happy one. She shouldn't blame herself because that mean man in our lives made us all so unhappy but she still feels the pain. And this little ornament brings it all back. Yet, mommy would never part with it. When all is said and done and the tears dry up so she can see what she is doing, the little dog will have a special place on the tree and occasionally, for the next few weeks, mom will look at it and run a whole gauntlet of emotions but certainly, in the front, will be her undying love for me. And her knowledge that I love her.

Very Sad

My mommy is feeling really sad right now. Some one posted a link to join in a campaign to stop dogs from being chained up. Mommy thinks its a great idea. For half my life, my mommy and my daddy would fight all the time. He was a mean man. He treated mommy and my human brother and sister very badly and he would always leave me outside chained to my dog house. When mom would come home, she would bring me right in and then the fighting would start. He always said there was nothing wrong with what he was doing and that I didn't belong in the house. Mommy would always say what was the point in having a pet if you were just going to abandon it to the outdoors. It was because of how he treated me and my human sibs that mommy finally left him. She took me with her and I was never chained again. Can you believe, though, that he actually fought her to keep me. Thank goodness, mommy didn't back down. But, mommy can not get over the guilt for allowing all of us to be exposed to that man for so long. He threatened her and she was afraid of what he might do if she left. Finally, even the fear of his threats was not enough to keep her from leaving. At least I got to spend the last years of my life knowing I was truly loved and living in a warm house without a chain to hold me back. So, please, anyone who reads this....do whatever you can to stop people from chaining their dogs. Its cruel and it is NOT alright.