Kaiser Wilhem Reincarnated

When Mommy I Away The Naughty Dog Plays

My mommy and the guy that takes up space on the couch came back recently from the Carribean. I got left at my auntie's house for two and a half weeks. Normally I wouldenjoy this but the human slaves played a dirty trick on me. They made me do this stupid thing called a diet. It was something absurd about my being fat or something. I love my auntie's house because my best friend Alois lives there and my other humans and doggy friends. This time though it sucked. My mommy said I couldn't have any treats and had to stay to a diet. I really hated it so I got mad and ambushed my friends. I hid in the laundry room and jumped out an bit them. I bit Corker bloody, which is pretty dangerous because he's the alpha dog and if he wasn't so startled he would have chewed me up. I got away with it that time but I don''t think I'll try again. I continuously screamed for more food and treats but didn't get any so I peed on the floor and then took a nasty dump on the front porch. Something good came out of that though. I got my special pants back and proudly worethem until I got mad and tore them off to pee on the floor. I'm very clever. After a while of throwing a tantrum I got happy again and was good the last couple of days before mom and the guy on the couch came back. I'm goodas gold now.

I Took a Trip To Suckville

My humans played a dirty rotten trick on me. They got me all excited to go on a car ride, set me up in front of my window so I could see outside and then took me the wrong way. I knew what they were doing when I saw them go down the wrong road and I screamed like a Banshee. I wanted to go see my friends, not go to Modesto. Modesto sucks. It should be called Suckville. I screamed like a Banshee until we got to our destination, my Auntie's house. I decided to punish all the humans for doing the wrong thing and taking me somewhere I hate. So to get even with them I took the nastiest dump I could muster right on the concrete in front of the door. That'll teach them for bringing me to Suckville. I showed them. HA HA

I do Like The Best Of Everything

I took the human personality test and it turns out, like my little buddy, Corker, I'm a Simon Cowell type. Though I would be more of the teddy bear side then the blunt side. That side only comes out of me when I want something to eat or humans aren't catering to my every need fast enough. Seriously though, all I want is the best of everything.
Simon Cowell
Hard to Please

Enterprising, brassy and not afraid to bark what's on his mind, Franklin is Idol-maker Simon Cowell!

There's no beating around the bush with Franklin and flattery will get you nowhere. Franklin calls it like he sees it, and stands firm on all fours behind his decisions. The cat definitely does not have Franklin's tongue—some of his pals think he's bitter and confrontational, while others find him to be impawsibly hilarious. Franklin's influence on those around him is remarkable, and he takes advantage of this fact and uses it wisely. Behind his no-nonsense mask, Franklin is a perceptive sponge, taking in what he sees and hears around him, and then figuring out how to make it look, or sound, better.

Check Out My Peculiar Aristocratic Title

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Imperial Majesty Franklin the Contrite of Walk upon Water Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

My Upside Down Adventure

Today my little pal, Corker was playing with his mommy. She was dangling him upside down the way he likes to play. Well, I don't necessarily like to play that way but he was doing it so I had to do it too. Like any normal dog I thought I needed the attention more than him so I screamed. She told me I wouldn't like it but I had to have it anyway. I screamed and shouted until she dangled me upside down as well. Then I squirmed and freaked out until I got put back on the new pony bed. I didn't like upside down but at least I got to say I got one upside down play session as well.

Me Too Franklin

My humans know a story called Me Too Iguana. It's about an iguana that wants to have everything the other animals have like zebra stripes and wings. My nick name is Me Too Iguana because I want everything the other dogs have. My mommy has to give me a bath last because I'd scream for more baths. I have to have my hair brushed several times, I scream for it after every other dog gets his hair brushed. Once Fritz had an infection in his head and the humans had to pick it to get the puss and everything out. I couldn't let him be the only one to get his head picked so I screamed until somebody picked my head too.I love having my head picked. I tell the humans I want it by stretching my neck out and screaming. Then somebody picks my head. Though the most thrilling thing of my life happened at the vet's office. My brothers and I were getting our vaccinations and I had to get a retest because something went wrong with my heartworm test. It was the most wonderful thing. They took me out of my carrier and gave me another blood test. The others only got one so I turned around and gloated with my best smile and stuck my tongue out at them. I felt so special. I'm very handy in the car as well. I have a natural built in GPS system. When we go somewhere I like, like my best friend, Alois' house I happily look out the windows and only scream to tell mommy or the guy that sits on my couch when to turn and when we've arrived. However, when we go somewhere I don't like I scream all the way up because there is obviously an error and the humans are going the wrong way. However, they never listen to my directions when they go the wrong way and I end up running and hiding in my kennel once we get there because I hate it so.

I Showed Him

My human that takes up room on my couch, you dogs would probably call him Daddy, was mean to me. I had to seriously teach him a lesson today. I like to stand or lie down and stare out the window of MY sliding glass door on the side of MY house. I was doing this with my buddy, Rusty and we were watching our mommies who were outside gardening. The guy who takes up room on my couch got a brilliant idea that we wanted to go outside. We were just looking at our mommies so we stood there and didn't move. He got really angry and shouted at us because we didn't go outside. He probably got angry because he wanted to go do something boring like write to the dumb humans that make silly human laws. Rusty got really upset because he loves his grandpa and I got angry because he's got no right to address me in such a manner. I am royalty afterall. I made up my mind right then that I was going to get even. Normally I would take a dump under his computer chair and then leave a trail of urine throughout the house. Then my mommy said she'd have to clean it. I decided against taking that action as I only wanted to punish the guy on the couch. He has, or should I say had, a singing alligator toy in the yard. It was made of a foam type of rubbery stuff. I decided Mr. Al E. Gator needed emergency surgery from Dr. Franklin Frankfurter so I ripped his back open and pulled out his stuffing. He made my mommy mad too and she just laughed at my plucky actions and dumped the toy in the trash. That'll teach him to mess with the Kaiser.

I Taught Them A Lesson

I had to teach my humans a lesson yesterday. They had to pay the price for not paying 100% instant and undivided attention to me. The guy that takes up room on the couch, most of you dogs would say father, didn't pay attention to me on the rare occasion that I actually wanted his attention. So I had to teach him a lesson. I went into the bedroom and left a gooey, nasty present under the bed. Eventually my mommy found it and got really angry with me. I think it was mostly because I made her really sick and she had to crawl under the bed to get it. I did it right in the middle of the bed to make it extra difficult to clean. Bwwwaaahaha (like my evil laughter?) I'm still in the figurative doghouse, God knows I wouldn't be caught dead in a real doghouse. However, I'm stll going for Club Med this weekend to stay with my friends. It's good to be the Kaiser.

My Day At Club Med

Last night my mommy brought my brothers and I over to see our best friends, Alois, Corker and Rusty. It was great fun playing with Alois, eating his whiskers and asking to be let out to "go" every five minutes. Then mommy said my friends had to go to bed so we could leave without them getting upset. So when the humans told them to go to bed in the other room, Nacho and I dashed in and headed straight for thier beds. Then my mommy let us stay because she had to come back the next day anyway. So I got to have a slumber party with Alois. Then we played all day, except naptime in which we rested together. Then I stayed by the counter until my humans gave me special Paul Newman cookies, Peanut Butter of course. After a spell my mommy came to get us and we had to go. I didn't want to leave my best friend, Alois behind so I grabbed him by the collar and tried to drag him along with me. The human said he couldn't go so I dragged my mommy down the stairs and kept running when her purse got caught on the hand rail. Then after being an angel the whole time I was at club med I decided to be a devil at home and kept screaming for hours. That'll teach them to deprive me of my friends.

I Got New Shoes!!!!

I love clothes. I just have to have them, especially if another dog has clothes. My humans started calling me Me Too Iguana after the iguana in the storybook that had to have everything anyone else had. I'm just that way. If another dog gets his hair brushed, mine must be brushed too. If another dog has medicine, I must have that too, especially eye drops. Today I get to stay over at my best friend, Alois' house. He had clothes, pajamas actually and I had to have some too so I screamed untill I got some. Then later my friend, Rusty's humans bought him boots that looked like running shoes. I was so jealous I just wanted some shoes too so I followed my humans around screaming. Eventually they found an old pair of Rusty's shoes that were a bit large for him but they were just my size. I was so happy. My humans put the little shoes on and I danced in circles, showing them off. I really love my boots. Then one of my humans was in my favorite chair so I screamed at her until she left and the chair was all mine.

I'm a Typical Doxie

I've not been feeling so well for the past few days as I've been having back problems.I thought about a little vendictive urination but decided against it. My mommy and daddy went to Australia for a vacation and had the audacity to exclude me. They left for three weeks. Sure, my extended family, Alois, Corker, Rusty and their cats and of course humans, came over to take care of my brothers and I but I'm not happy so I will cause all sorts of trouble until my parents come back. I got really crotchety with my best friend, Alois and then I stole his hoof. He's a pacifist so it was really easy. All he did was cry to his Mother. Then I got in trouble for "being a pig" about the bones. I only wanted all of them. What's the problem with that? It rained all morning so when I got up from my nap in the afternoon I decided I didn't want to go out in the filthy mud with my back legs feeling poorly. So I released my bladder on the kitchen floor. My brother Fritz was really bad and he peed all over the place many times throughout the day. Needless to say he's not the humans' favorite dog. Then we got these wonderful things called diapers. They are special pants and the other dogs don't get them. I love my diaper because it makes me feel special and I love clothes anyway. My brother, Fritz ripped his off and peed in a huge puddle and then ran down the hallway while he was still going. He got another diaper but the sick little monkeyripped it off. However, since my back is bothering me, my humans have graciously granted me the benefit of the doubt about my potty troubles.