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Life As I See It...

A Poem All About ME!

*This super cute poem was written for me by my very talented pal Gigi and I just love it!


I don't know if there is a dog cuter than Chaz
he's cuddly and sweet, he's seldom a spaz.

A little chihuhua he's spotted on white
he's so photogenic he just basks in the light.

One day I hope to see a calendar of him
with shot of him posing, maybe at the gym.

By the seaside riding a seahorse
or at racetrack running the course.

As a circus clown, he's pretty cute
I wonder if he knows how to play the flute?

I know he can model he's a true super star
with his talent he can really go far

For now I will just ask him very nicely
may I have your autograph please?

TO: GOD FROM: THE DOG . . .

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God, Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog:

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table .
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.


P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

HOW TO BE A GOOD HOUSEDOG - - - Complete Instructions

1) Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. Extra points if you can gently grab their hands. They love that.

2) Licking: Always take a big drink immediately before licking humans. They prefer clean tongues. During the human’s dinner time, when you are in the same room is the best time to give yourself a full body bath. The louder you are the cleaner they think you are.

3) Sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed…. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them and anyone that you meet. Crotch sniffing will always get their attention.

4) Holes: If digging is a must do not dig one big hole (to noticeable). Rather, dig many smaller ones all over the yard as they will blend in and may not get noticed. Dogs with human gardeners are required to give their human a paw and help dig up anything growing in their garden.

5) Housebreaking: This is very important to humans and must be taken seriously. So break as much of the house as possible. Best time is when they are late for your feeding. Common rewards are: new toy, let outside to run around, taken to school to meet new friends, more walks.

6) Walks: When on a walk never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. Always go on the lawns that are greener and better taken care of than your humans. This makes them feel as though you appreciate their lawn better than the neighbors. Always pull as hard as you can. Walks are short enough so it is our responsibility to ensure that our humans see as much of the neighborhood as possible. It is also our responsibility to show our humans the fun and excitement that is felt when chasing cats and squirrels, so if at all possible pull them down to the ground so they too can smell the furry little rodents.

7) Playing: Indoor playing can also help in the above area of housebreaking, if you are good. When playing outdoors always jump up on your human after you stepped in one of your own messes. They appreciate being shown where you previously went and will always clean it up right away. They also foolishly try to be like anther dog and try and play chase. Indulge them and show them how it is done by sneaking up from behind and grabbing their behind. They love this and will then proceed to chase you again.

8) Barking: Humans have you around because they do not know how to effectively bark at noises. You must bark a lot to show them how it is done. Bark at every noise. It will make them feel safe. This especially works well in the middle of the night when all are asleep. It is your duty to alert them to all noises so don’t let doggiedom down.

9) Vet Visits: Since we cannot effectively tell them that something hurts we must lower ourselves to a level they can understand and bark at the vet. At that point your human will hold you close and talk nicely to you.

10) Feeding: If something doesn’t taste right then throw it up and eat it again. Sometimes it is better the second time around. Do this in front of your human to show them you appreciate their effort.

11) Sleeping: Sleep as much as possible when your human is gone. That way you will have plenty of energy to play with them when they get home. If they are too nice and pretend like they don’t want to play then you must encourage them to play by running wildly around the house barking. (this also will help with the above mentioned housebreaking responsibilities. See how important housebreaking is) Also, If you must sleep when they are home then do it in the middle of the pathway. This puts the human at ease since they know right where you are if they need you.

Being the family dog isn’t all fun and games as the above mentioned responsibilities show. However if they are taken seriously you will have a long and happy life with your human.