Please mom, no more tears

I look down and see you crying. You carry my collar with you and sleep with my toy on your pillow. You left my bed next to yours. I come and cisit, but not that way now. I sit and watch over you at night. Please don't cry anymore mom, I'm free. No more pain, no chemo, no shots, no meds. I play now, Ieat all the time, whatever I want. I chase bunnies. It's beautiful here mom, lots of sun and green grass to snooze in. And Angels, our friends, they're here too. Elvis, and Oliver, and Coozy and Barney and Ginger too. They are all here and ahppy now, healthy, free of pain. We play together, running and flying. and we watch over our Families too. Elvis, he watches over his Boy and Priscilla. Coozy he worries cos his mom is still very sad. And Oliver- he sees his mom singing his song. And Ginger's mom, the pain she feels...just like you mom. But please, close your eyes and you'll see- I'm right there with you. Remember all the fun we had, the silly things I did. Don't be sad anymore now. You gave me a gift, the gift of knowing Love, a warm, soft bed, a full tummy ...cared for me when I was sick...a soft voice..and the final gift; giving me rest, peace, the dignity of not giving up. so stop crying..think about how happy I was while chasing bunnies..Remember me that way..and when you miss me ..just close your eyes...Your BBkinkin.

BB is an Angel now

This is BB's mom. Sunday was a hard day for us. BB was getting so weak..but she still had that fight in her eyes..just not in her little body. We held her and told her how much we loved her and how very brave she was. Then it was time..time to go on one last car ride. She was so very light now as i carried her to the car. She perked up on the drive..I wondered if it Was truly 'time'. The vets were kind and gentle. We sat with her and cuddled her..It was over in seconds, peaceful. We stayed with her soft, frail body- I didn't want to leave her..but I knew she was no longer there-imprisoned in that helpless body. She was free, free of pain.
For those of you that didn't know BB, well she was a fighter. Brave, strong, graceful and dignified til the very end. She accepted all that came her way with a quiet dignity few could ever dream to have. We gave her all she needed, although she never wanted anything. She would come in the house- she never came into our living room- and she would go to her beddie and lie down. I suppose it was all she felt she could call her own. Our good friend Rocky and mom Darbi sent her and Kubbi squeeky puppy pillows. I put BB's in her bed and told her it was hers. She would move it and use it as a pillow. You see Chows aren't really emotional- i was thrilled the first time she wagged her tail- she wasn't very free with the taily wags. They were reserved for rabbit chasing. BB was with us for 9 months. I didn't know her very well but i came to admire her, her will to live.
I came home Sunday and laid in BB's bed and cried...I cried for my loss tho. I miss her so. A part of me is missing.
Kirby sent us this:
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran
I read it several times.
Oh my little Bkin, I miss you so. But now you are free and well. Run and play Missykin; chase bunnies, bask in the sun. Till we meet at the Bridge. Luv, Mom.

My tail of devotion to my little BKin.

I remember the first time I saw you..in a pic online. A fellow Dogster told us about you. You lived outside all your life in a 6x6 pen with an igloo. You were all matted but I could see that you had a pretty coat..and your eyes. I don't know what it was about them but I wanted you to be a part of my life. I chatted with your foster mom & we decided you would fit in just fine here. I remember the day we picked you up, it was so very cold. You were curled up fast asleep in a beddie in the back seat. I took you for a walkie and in typical girlie Chow fashion, you completely ignored me. You seemed tired but still game for anything. So off we went. On the ride home you sat in my lap. You were bald, they had to shave you because the mats wouldn't brush out. At home you met Kubbi and could care less about him. Awwww, poor kubbi wanted a friend. You went straight to your beddie and fell asleep. Well a week passed and you really just seemed tired and your glands seemed swollen. so off to see Dr. staci. Well she thought lymphoma and we waited for tests. The dreaded call came & it was confirmed. I couldn't believe this little girl I was quickly getting so attached to wasn't going to be here for very long.
I would take you to work- you followed me everywhere. so it was chemo, and you did well. I started to get to know your quirks, your personality. You never wagged your tail..till one cold winter day, bitter cold and brutally windy. We went for our am walkie. I realised you had stopped and I looked down to see you smiling and wagging you little bald tail. I was so happy, kneeling in the snow crying happy tears and hugging you. Your appetite picked up, your fur grew back, you chased the kitties, bunnies and anything else that ran away. You run like a puupy front feet, back feet, probably because you never really ran before. You sleep in your beddie in the strangest positions, with your head hanging out in a ghastly manner. We have learned this is just you and have stopped worrying. Our good friend Rocky and mom have sent you & Kubbi little stuffed puppy pillows. You kept yours at the end of you bed by your back pawsies. Then one day I came home to see you had moved your puppy and was usuing him as a pillow, you are so very cute.
I wonder sometimes why you have been sent to me. I hope I have given you a good life . I hope you know how much I love you, I do tell you often.
I research every day, in hopes to find something to help you, to keep you here with me just a bit longer. something that all those brilliant scientists and doctors have missed.
Because you have a strength BB, a will to live, you're a fighter. and I admire and respect that about you. You are doing very well right now BB, Dr. Staci says that you will feel bad soon after this round of chemo is done. But now, right now, we still have Hope and Hope is something that Elvis taught us about. It gives us strength, keeps us going.
When I first brought you in to see the vet one of the girls there told me she thought I was crazy to have adopted you, you were so scruffy and skinny and forelorn looking. But now, she calles you beautiful, and you are. Your cute little Chow mane with the hint of caramel in it, your chubby little pawsies, your little tail that still has bald sopts, your bright eyes. I will always love you BB. I will always remember the way your fur smells, the way your tail wags furiously when the scent of bunny is caught, the way you hug back now when I hug you.
I am so glad you are part of my life. Mom.

To all you doctors and scientists

I know you are all workin real hard on the C thing. And in about 10 years we will have something of a cure..then onto a cure fur people. But I have a lot of pals who have it ..and that had it and are at the Bridge now. Oh I know, I won't be around when we have the cure...mom is trying to deal with that..you know; be strong and all that. But I do see that it's hard on her, makes her so sad and frustrated and then sad again, she cries a lot .. And I just want to ask you guys, the ones that are working to get rid of this horrible beast of a disease; could you paweese hurry up just a little? You see, we hate to think of any more moms going thru this and being so very sad knowing that they have such a short time with their furbabies. I don't mean to be pushy, really I don't ..just don't wanna think of moms being sad like my mom. Thank you vewy much.

Cancer's back

yep, I'm out of remission, darn C. Well we're going to try the Elspar tomorrow- Dr. Staci hopes it will work cos we used Doxorubincin before and that is a really strong drug. The C may just laugh at the Elspar. We'll see. Mom is thinking of giving me Prednesone too- to help keep me feeling good. She is worried I will wee a lot- I already do. I see mom's face leaking a lot now- she tries to smile fur me but i know she isn't so brave. She is really scared- i know she doesn't like to see me sick. i just have to be strong for her & keep fighting. BBkin.

vet visit

Well not much really to report and I guess that's a good thing. My vet Dr. Staci checked my glands and only 2 are swollen. So I stopped the antibiotics and mom will monitor me fur any changes ( I Kinda linked those pills cos they helped keep my mouth clean and I ate more- I actually gained a pound) So Dr. S wasn't ready to break out the Elspar just yet. She said there's a lot of things that could make my glands swell. So she did a cbc & will call mom today with the results- hopefully an elevated white blood cell count meaning an infection- maybe something that the 1st round of antibiotics didn't get. It could be I'm coming out of remission as well but Dr. Staci said usually the glands All swell up quickly. Unless all the stuff mom gives me is really slowing the c down. Mom is hoping fur an infection. .Any rate I'm not going anywhere just yet! Bbkins.

vet visit

boy oh boy do i hate goin to the vet. Kubbi just walks in & lays down and lets them do whatever to him. Ohhh not me, nooo. Well Dr. S felt all my glands and she said she just saw that the ones on the front of my body were a bit bigger.....she sort of leaned toward an infection..especially since mom has been brushin my fangs- they are really bad. she thinks I got some bacteria in my blood so she gave mom some antibiotics that work well in oral infections as well as soft tissue stuff. She hopes to see improvement in about 5 days. If not; we have to do the Elspar. We try it once and if it works we can do 4 more- 1 every 2 weeks. If it doesn't work...well that's pretty much it. This c stuff is an awful beast. In our house it doesn't deserve a name. So I just had some eggies and my 1st pill. Hope it works cos mom..well her eyes have been leakin a lot today and she keeps strangling me. BB.

mom's worried

I didn't sleep well last nite, was kinda breathing hard in my sleep. Mom knows that sound and sure enough she felt my neck glands and 1 is swollen. It came up quickly, almost overnite. so mom's pretty worried and will try to see Dr. Staci today. We have 5 doses of Elspar that we didn't use while I got my chemo treatments. You don't really use it by itself but it may help fur a little while. BB.

A bull in a China shop or BB wants to go out

Whoever said that bull in a China shop thing ..well they didn't know me. And Dad oringinally wanted to name me Tinkerbelle, ha! So not me. I wanted to go outtie at 3 am..not 'needed' to go outtie..wanted. it was nice & cool & breezy. Well I got up and went over to mom in bed..but she didn't wake up.. welll at least she didn't get up to take me out. And the bed room door is just propped open with a door stop to keep Kubbi from coming in and eatin my food. So I just stuck my head in between and shoved. Voila! Free....well I didn't really think things thru. I'm not tall enough to reach the sunroom door handle. Well by now mom was up, muttering somethin bout all the noise...what noise? Oh yeah, me shoving the door open. Not to subtle, huh. Well I got to go outtie and I just stood there, letting the breeze waft thru my fur, ahhhh... Bkin.

A nice quiet weekend

It's hot here, hot hot and I don't like it. I sure do miss all the snow we had this winter. I've been doin the picky routine with mom but it's not working so well this time. She just keeps giving me the same stuff that I ate 2 days ago. i want somethin different. See, Kubbi's a piggy bear and eats anything and mom feels I should be like that. Nope, my vet Dr. Staci tried to tell mom I'm like a super model, I pick. So mom has about 12 opened cans of stuf in the fridge at any time to try to tempt me to eat. Tripe, boiled tripe, that's the only thing i eat every day..'cept lately mom's been hiding pills in that tripe, dirty trick. Yep so it's been 2 months and 7 days since my last chemo. We count every day in this house. Hugs, BB.