Tales from the Bark Side

El Bandito Thwarted Again!

Dearest readers,

I am writing to you once again from my under-bed lair. My stash of rawhide bits is dwindling rapidly.

Why? you ask. Why El Bandito when you are the bestest bone stealer in the whole widest world? It is because... of HER. Elizabeth Anne ...my nemesis, my arch enemy, my... sister.

She thinks she's so smart. And well, kind of is. She has now taken to hiding her bones on the window ledge! I saw her. She had one primed for the taking, nice and soft ends, perfect! As I began to sneak closer in for my snag she grabbed it and put it on the window sill.

Curses! I cannot reach there! Stupid tall windows. Why can't the ledge be 4 inches off the ground? Never fear dear reader, I will find a way to prevail. I scout my opportunities to reach that ledge regularly.

I cannot reach it from Mommy's bicycle, nor can I reach it from the recliner. But I will find a way...oh yes, I will find a way.

I must now nap and restore my energy.

Spring time fun

Well, the grass is finally not hard and is really soft. I went out the other day and laid out while mommy read in her lounger. Lizzie of course rolled around like a goof ball and went berserk when Once (that demon-dog next door) was in his back yard.

This is my favorite time of year to be outside. I love sniffing everything and there's always something new. Those blasted June bugs have shown up again on the back porch. Lizzie caught one in her mouth the other day and freaked out when it started buzzing. Dude, been THERE. It's nasty. Mommy thought it was hilarious and laughed and laughed. She just doesn't know. I mean, how would you like to try and eat something that looks like a treat and then have it BUZZ in your mouth?

ugh, just the thought is making me feel icky. I should go take a nap.

later.

Shaved

Dudes. Daddy shaved me. Like... buzzed. Buzzed as short as my butt when Dr. Roland put in those staples. OH, and injustice of all injustices my new collar zaps me whenever I bark. Mommy doesn't leave it on all the time, but I do have to wear it when I'm outside.

::sigh:: I need a nap.

I don't have butt cancer!!

Okay, so I'm really, really sick of these staples that Dr. Roland put in my rear end last week. But the good news is that I don't have cancer! Apparently that thing that was back there they cut out wasn't all that big a deal. Mommy said it was "be-nine".

I told her I "Be Seven". Ha ha ha. Okay, so that was lame. Anyway. It still sucks that I'm crated during the day. Mom says until I quit draggin' my hind end around the house I have to stay in there. I just looked at her and thought, "you have no idea how itchy a shaved bum with staples IS!"

Anyway, off for a nap.

What the heck is a biopsy?

Dude. It is SNOWING outside. I was all excited because Mommy took me out and didn't bring Lizzie. I was enjoying the ride in the car and watching all the snow fall until I realized we were at THAT place. You know the place...the vet. Lizzie loves them, but let's just say it's not my favorite place in the world. They POKE you there.

Anyway, of all the indignities, Mommy had Dr. Roland check my butt. HELLO, a little privacy for a dude please? That man was messing with my bum for entirely too long. Mommy said I was being a good boy but I sure wanted out of there. When they finished I was SO ready to go home. But then Mommy said we'd be back next week. In the car she told me I'd have to have minor surgery so they could do a complete biopsy. WHAT?! I have to go back? What the heck is a biopsy?

I wasn't very happy and so I started digging in my blanket in the seat. Then I noticed Mommy was awful quiet and I sniffed her and she smelled worried. So I decided to not be mad and to just love on her. She needed it.

I think she might be jealous because she said she'd rather have a procedure than have me have one. Whatever.

I'm gonna go take a nap...ooh or get a bone....ooh get a bone and then take a nap. Even better.

I've been slimed

I was recently traumatized by a slobbering, snorting, overly-affectionate Doberman Pincher on Valentine's Day.

Hey, I know I'm one handsome stud and all, but I don't swing that way and he was way too tall for me. Mommy and Daddy took me and Liz out to Fort Woof on the national day of luv. It was pretty cool - except for Slimer's attention. Mommy put me up on the picnic table with her while Liz and Daddy played a bunch.

I watched a lot of the puppies play under our table. Every time I'd go get down to say hello to the little dudes Slimer and the BIG dogs would start chasing me. In the infamous words of Bravo TV's Top Chef I wanted to say, "I'm not your b*tch, b*tch." But, I didn't.

After a while, Mommy, Daddy and Lizzie and me went to the far end of the park away from Slimer and the other rowdy brats...um... I mean dogs. Daddy tried to teach Lizzie how to go through the tunnels. She just kept going around it. I did it though. I mean, I don't see what the big deal is. Anyway.

It was cool hanging out with Daddy at the park because he didn't get frustrated when I pooped a lot like he does when we go on walks. Of course Mommy had to do that nasty pick up the poop thing every time I went. What is it with that woman? Anyway. Got a good work out trying to run and keep up with Liz and Daddy. Got tons of ear scratches and belly rubs for running so super fast. That's right...I ran. Then we went home and I crashed and burned.

Speaking of...a nap sounds pretty sweet right about now. Think I'll go snag a bone and catch some Zs.

Ditch the chicks!

Daddy and I ditched the girls this morning and he took me (just me!) with him to run his errands. I got to ride in the front and go to the cleaners AND to my favorite drive in - Sonic! Tots for me and I didn't have to share with Lizzie.

When we got home Lizzie was all "where'd you go? where've you been? do I smell tots? where'd you go?" Mommy was just laughing and told Daddy that Lizzie wigged out when she realized the boys were gone.

hehehe. Well, that was a lot of excitement, time to go take a nap on the floor.

Another message from El Bandito

I write to you dear readers from my under-bed lair surrounded by my cherished booty of stolen bones and my buddy bear and piggy piggy. I write to share devastating news. The woman called Mommy thwarted my stealthy attempts to remove a slice of aromatic pizza from her plate and spanked me.

ME! She dared raise her hand to thump me on the head and then had the gall to take the pizza away from El Bandito. I was stunned. Does she not know that it is my hallmark, to steal the deliciousness that others are trying to consume? grrrr

So I lay here, frustrated by the deliciously fragrant aroma of pizza still wafting through my memory while I'm surrounded by mere dog bones.

Short Legs + Freezing Rain = Chilly Belly

I HATE the cold. And I almost hate Mommy when she wakes me up in the morning and takes me outside with the brat...I mean, Lizzie. This morning the grass was half wet, half frozen and all cold. I was still a good boy and did my thing. Lizzie of course took forEVER. I don't get to come in until she's done too and I think that stinks. I snort plenty to let Mommy know I don't like it but she's usually staggering around the kitchen for some form of caffeine at this point.

I'm pretty much over my cold and have really been enjoying plenty of nap time. Which, as we all know, is the most important thing on the planet - sleeping. I don't get why Mommy has to disrupt my sleep so much. Just last night I settle in for a good snooze on her lap and she's up and down, up and down. I barked when she made me get down and that probably wasn't the nicest thing in the world, okay, so I know it wasn't because I got THE look.

So I tried to get in Daddy's lap but on my second try to jump up Lizzie came and stuck her big head in his lap. She's SUCH a Daddy hog some times. So I just had to settle in between the chair and the couch in between Mommy & Daddy.

Okay, time for a nap. Later!

Awe... wait for it.... some

Yesterday was awesome. I got the house all to myself for a whole hour. Then, when Mommy got back with Lizzie I got to go for a walk! Just me and Mom. I like these walks the best because Daddy doesn't like it when I stop and sniff and poop.

But man, if you're on a walk you just gotta check stuff out. Our neighbors, the big long horn cows, are back in the pasture near our trail. I met a new one, but he didn't want to talk. I think he was afraid of me because of all my buffness. Mommy said I was a good boy because I didn't bark at him at all.

Mommy got a little peeved at me because I had to "go" so much on the walk she ran out of poopie bags. I don't know why she keeps picking it up. I think that's kinda nasty, but she always wants to throw it away. I'm just doing my part to fertilize the mitigation areas we walk around. Why doesn't she get it?

There were some kiddos at the playgrounds we walked by, which was cool. They thought I was "so cute" so I let them get a little Samson lovin' and let them pet me. By the time we made it home I was TIRED. I crashed and burned man, must have been out for a while because when I woke up it was dark outside and Mommy and Daddy were watching TV.

A message from El Bandito

I am writing to you dear readers from my secret, under-bed lair to wish you good mornings. This week has been resplendent with opportunity to snatch as much of my treasure as possible. However, this morning I find myself not surrounded by my treasured bits of pork knots and raw hide strips. No. They are gone. Someone has found my secret hiding place and I think I know who she is.

She is... my mommy. Now she must suffer my scathing glares, my snorts and huffs and there will be no soft bellies offered to her to rub! Apparently my stash of delicious treats surreptitiously stolen from my sister's half chewed off casts was not meant to last. Ahh well.

The Bone Bandit... ahhem I mean, El Bandito, cannot be stopped. I will strike again, and soon. Yes, oh yes, very soon.

Blasted woman. Now I must take a nap near her but not at her feet to punish her.

Who Dat?

OK so Mommy called me a grumpy gus yesterday. Whatever. There is a new dog a few yards away and I have to let him know I'm the big barker on this block. A dog's got a rep to protect you know?

Sister Liz was all spaztic when she got back from her walk with Daddy. I sure wish I could go on long walkies with them but she always nips at me and they never let me stop to sniff all the fences. They're such "Power Walkers". They don't understand the beauty of my bark and trot technique. You gotta let the world know you're out and about right?

Anyway, I pouted a little so Mommy would give me treats. And of course, she did. Oh, and I went and hid Lizzie's bone from earlier under the bed. hehehehe. Then Mommy & I snuggled up and I tried to take a nap while Mommy read her book, but of course, I am the little man of the house so I had to check all the doors every 10 minutes or so and growl at them until Daddy got back home.

Okay, time to go take a nap.

Dude, I'm exhausted

Yesterday Mom & Dad were home and that just wears me out. Every time I wake up from a nap they're in a different room, so I have to go find them, get loved on, sniff around, bark at the wall and then settle back down at their feet for a nap....but no... they're off again.

Mommy cleaned Lizzie's crate yesterday so I scored big on pork knots and bones. Oh yeah baby, welcome to my under-bed lair. I also hid one under the side table in Mom & Dad's room, one under the bar stool and one by the mini fridge in the game room. They will NEVER find them. Muhahahahhaha.

Lizzie was a total spaz today when mom got home from errands. Of course, it's only her second time to roam free. She's such a big baby.

Anyway, time to go take a nap.