January 21st 2005 10:25 am
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So the other day my parents were driving me insane… bicker bicker bicker... snap snap snap…
I tried bringing them my Tug rope. EVERY dispute in life can be solved by Tug. As a dog I am aware of the greater workings of the world and I try to hard to teach Mom, but she NEVER gets it. Instead of a cleansing round of Tug I got the “NOT NOW BEAR!”
Well I have never been so offended in my life! Shoot a dog for caring why don’t you?
I tried flopping, in high dramatic fashion, down on my bed and whining pathetically while lying flat out on my side… did they rush to my aid to see what was happening??? NO! Did they even care that I could have been under great duress?! NO! All I got was “Bear! SHUSH”
No loving strokes, no caring scratches… not even a COOKIE….just “SHUSH”. That was it! I was done trying to help them attain great inner peace with a round of Tug. Human WOMEN! I don’t get them at all!
And do you want to know what they were snapping about?
Have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous in your entire life? There are dogs in shelters all over the country, minutes from euthanasia and all Mom cared about was what position the Tupperware was in?! What is wrong with you people? Go get a stuffed toy and rip it apart…much better use of time and aggression!
By the time they made up and went out to dinner I decided that the only way I could guarantee peace tomorrow was to take care of the situation myself…. And as soon as I opened the cabinet under the sink I could see their issue! Who it the heck needed all those boxes and bottles??? I got right to work….
GOD it was such a grueling undertaking…. I had to strip the cardboard from around the contents…. And then put all those plastic bags, garbage bags, zip-locs, and Tupperware in piles about the kitchen so I could have some room to work on those bottles. I was just about finished with taking all the Palmolive and Brasso out when they were back!
I was so sure they’d be thrilled with how very helpful I was… I am after all a German Shepherd and that is what we do best!! Work hard to help our families! I bounded off to greet them… and….
OH MY GOD. I can never walk outside again! I can’t. OH for the humiliation. Lucky was sure to have heard everything through the fence and I bet he told Mickey and his brother… and you know Maltese’s… they tell EVERYBODY everything!
I would not make a nice rug by the fireplace! I would not make a nice warm hat and gloves! I’m already neutered! You’d be BORED with a cat! MOM YOU DO NOT WANT TO TRADE ME IN FOR A BASSET HOUND!!
And making me work an hour indoors with that stupid obedience is just MEAN. And threatening me with a long walk even if it is -1 outside is WRONG.
I WAS HELPING! It isn’t my fault you came back before I finished! I demand a fair trial before being incarcerated by a crate! I AM THE INJURED PARTY HERE!
Injustice knows no bounds.
January 14th 2005 10:28 am
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Well my fellow Dogsters…. It is time I came clean. It has taken almost a year for me to be able to stand up and claim to all dog-kind that I Bear-dawg, former cat annihilator have reversed my opinion on the edibility of small furry creatures.
I admit I was afraid that my reputation on the street might suffer if anyone were to think I didn’t regularly pummel small woodland like beings but I realized it takes a bigger dog to face the world and admit that we can all get along.
And I am BIGGER than all the other dogs on the street except that Great Dane two blocks over, and I still say no dog is that large naturally…but anyhow….
There is nothing wrong with having a rabbit as a sister.
If I choose to share my bed by the heater with her when we’re watching TV is that something to be ashamed of?
And if I defend her honor while Mom is busy making breakfast and Lucy decides that Turtle the bunny is an appetizer…I ask you is that wrong?
OF COURSE NOT.
And if the lap top were to fall off the couch and snap the internet card in the process of knocking the puppy back into good manners is that any reason for one’s mom to come storming in and reenact a scene from the Exorcist? (Who knew a human head could spin like that)
At least the puppy got crated.
~Signing off ~
January 7th 2005 11:34 am
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In raising my little sister the proper way (trust me Mom would make a mess out of it, no matter what she thinks) it has come to my attention that some dogs may not understand the sport of COUNTER SURFING.
Counter Surfing is not a sport to be undertaken by the faint of heart. It is full of perils and situations that may shorten a dog’s lifespan by months. I will review the dangers later on, but for now, let’s start with a quick definition.
Counter Surfing is the art of taking something that was YOURS (see previous post YOURS, MINE & OURS for an explanation) and making it MINE. The main objective of counter surfing is to get an edible food item (this is especially valid for you fellow ‘large boned’ dogs who have been tortured by the word D.I.E.T). If no food items are available, things to be destroyed are valid choices; i.e., paper towels, sponges (preferably old and seasoned), baking sheets and bags of any sort.
As any seasoned Counter Surfing Professional will tell you, Counter Surfing is best only done when you are ‘On Duty Protecting the House’ (Oh please Mom, I SO KNOW you have a home security system, don’t waste your breath on that when you LEAVE ME ALONE)….or in other words, when you are home alone without any humans.
An important note: all Counter Surfing done with a human home at the time qualifies as Extreme Sports and should only be attempted by an Advanced Surfer. In other words, if you’re a newbie, don’t even think about it.
The dangers of Counter Surfing are vast but the key hazards to be aware of are:
1. Foul tasting cleaning items in appealing looking bottles, though Palmolive Lavender isn’t half bad.
2. Delicious looking wooden blocks that hold sharp objects
3. Glass jars; they just shatter and make the food all crunchy
4. Plastic jars that you can chew the lid off, beware of snout entrapment. OUCH.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
5. Really cranky human with a loud voice and the ability to put you in your crate or in a stay for hours. (moms usually qualify as this type of human)
Now humans are the goalies in this sport. It is their jobs to ‘protect’ the counters from any ‘goals’ being made by the Counter Surfer. To the newbie, please be aware that most of their moves are sophisticated and could appear frightening unless you aware of how harmless they are.
Human Defense Move #1: Pans of water lining the counter. Funny right? Please, those pans are just added chewables, sure you might get surprised by the wetness, but listen, it only dries and then you can go back to pulling things off.
Human Defense Move #2: Duct Tape. Okay now this one could shock the uninitiated. You jump up and bam! Your paws are met with this sticky, grabbing feeling. Now don’t panic…. It might take a few days to get past it, but resist the urge to run away and FOCUS on the prize….imagine someone was silly enough to leave out a loaf of bread…that weird feeling on your paws will be forgotten by the time you’ve torn into the plastic and are half way through the loaf. You can lick your paws later if it makes you feel any better.
Human Defense Move #3: Sandpaper. Sure it feels uncomfortable, it might even scratch your toes a bit, but if you’ve overcome the Duct Tape you can overcome the sandpaper. Reread Human Defense Move #2 and perhaps add in some yoga to get to a doggy Zen place before placing your paws on the sandpaper.
Human Defense Move #4: Flypaper. This one is a toughie, it is a borderline foul and in my opinion should be an outlawed defensive tactic. It sticks hard and fast to any surface of a Counter Surfer, plan on a week or so to overcome this obstacle. Maneuvers of both Human Defense Move #2 and #3 will need to be applied. Be prepared to have to ask your human for assistance in removing said flypaper. Peeing on the hall carpet in retaliation is acceptable.
Human Defense Move #5: Electronic Assistance: Comes in two forms, sound or pulsing mat. Do not view these expensive tactics as anything but what they are – pathetic! Simply pull off and immediately destroy. The more expensive the item, the smaller pieces it should be in by the human’s return.
Now your human may up the stakes of Counter Surfing and leave everything off the counters. Don’t worry. The game is still on. Nobody ever remembers everything 100% of the time. A Counter Surfer always knows how to act uninterested in everything until the counters are fully loaded once more… then SLAM! Make your move!
As a final note: when you encounter danger #5, the cranky human, the best offensive maneuver to make is to go belly up, lift your front leg to your chin and start to whine loudly. They’ll feel guilty a second later and you **MAY** even get a cookie out of it.
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