July 3, 2008

Dear Diary,

At 5:45am this morning:

The best way to wake up a sleeping human (without resorting to open warfare such as barking and pawing) is to walk into the bedroom, give a good firm shake of the head so that the tags on the collar jingles loudly and the ears flap. That's usually enough to scare them out of even a fairly deep slumber. And they can't really blame you for needing to shake in the morning either....

Monday, February 18

Dear Diary,

Human man is gone again. ´Nother one of those early morning outings to the airport in pouring rain.

But it´s okay because I got to go see my friend Oscar, the collie-afghan mix (who was formerly thought to be a black lab until they DNA tested him) and his human woman, Jenne. It was great - I played with Oscar, licked him in the face until he growled at me, kissed and hugged Jenne. The bad part was that as usual, I couldn´t find the cats...they are there, I KNOW they are, but I never get to see them and the smell of them everywhere, on the furniture, on those climbing poles and cat igloos, is really driving me nuts.

Anyway, it was nice with an outing - I have been very neglected lately.

Thursday, February 14

Dear Diary,

I had a very difficult day (and night) yesterday. It began at 1:30 am when the snow started falling from the roof with big crashes. I do NOT like when things fall from above and I just knew it was about to fall on my head so I got up and went to tell my humans about it.

My human being...well, humans, and kind of slow, thought I had a stomach problem since I was coming to see them in the middle of the night. Twice they took me out but when I didn´t go and didn´t act sick they started catching on. Especially as a new big crashing piece of snow came down from the roof while we were outside.

So finally, they told me I could sleep with them instead, which was nice but sort of crowded. We tried that for about a half hour but then my human woman almost squished me when she was trying to turn over so I got up again. I really didn´t know what to do so I decided to walk around the kitchen for a while and think about it. After ten minutes or so, the human woman came out to me - she claimed that my pacing kept her awake. Then she went and got my blankie out of my crate and put it next to the bed so I could sleep on that.

But that meant that I was very tired yesterday and the snow STILL kept crashing off the roof so I decided it was better to stick very close to my humans all day - as in my body touching their feet at all times.

Today, it´s Valentine´s and I feel much better - it´s silent outside. But how come they bought each other Valentine´s and none for me? That´s just not right. I want a Valentine too.

Monday, February 11

Dear Diary,

My human woman was calling me ugly names after our walk this morning. And I didn´t do nuthin´. Just had the zoomies four times, tried to bowl over some kids going to school and pulled on her right arm. It´s 12 degrees here and windy - that kind of weather makes my wild side come out. She should appreciate that...and I should really lodge a formal complaint against her abusive and hurtful language.

She´s threatening to get something called a prong collar if I don´t start behaving better soon. She says her arm is too sore to deal with my yanking her. Maybe I should try to humor her for a while - I don´t like the sound of that prong collar (it´ll put an end to my happy days of vacuuming and running around). But she should be more patient - she knows that I get a lot calmer once the weather warms up.

The negotiations continue...

Wednesday, February 7

Dear Diary,

Ah, trash day! I managed to snap up and swallow one chickenbone, a half cup cake and some four week old bread (I've been trying to get that bread for a while now but only to day did I succeed because my HW got distracted by a min pin passing by).

I've started sleeping in my crate more in the evenings. For two reasons - my human man has been hogging the futon and he kicks me when he falls asleep. Also they bought me a new and better blankie and put it in the crate. My new blankie has some white soft and fuzzy stuff on one side and suede on the other. It's very cozy.

So if I go to my crate, I can both snuggle with the luxury blankie and avoid getting kicked in the face. It's a pretty good deal!

Saturday, January 26

Dear Diary,

I am a lean, mean vacuuming machine!

Really, I have the perfect build:
nose - large and sensitive to pick up the scents of the sidewalk garbage
legs - short and stubby to allow me to reach the ground better and get the garbage
weight - fifty stable pounds to give me some weights to overpower the humans
muscles - good ones, made for hanging on the leash and picking up the stray chicken bone
eyes - beautiful to use for avoid being scolded after I swallow the sidewalk trash.

I was born for this mission - I've actually started a club with my friend Maya the Beagle in Texas, named VTWTT (Vacuum the World Together Today). Our official agenda is to share tips on how to outsmart the humans and offer support in the aim to eat absolutely everything that we find on the sidewalks in our different parts of the world.

Thursday, January 24

Dear Diary,

My humans don't allow me to be in the kitchen when they sit down to eat. They say they can't stand having a drooling dog staring into their eyes while they're trying to relax and have a conversation (I have no idea what they are talking about).

Anyway, when they finish eating, I am usually allowed to come into the kitchen and sometimes, if I'm lucky, they have dropped something on the floor or I get to lick their fingers (tonight they had fresh shrimp with cocktail sauce and lemon-and-garlic mayo).

The tricky part is to know when they've finished because if I come too early, they throw me out again. I am still working on perfecting the timing. Sometimes I know because I can't hear the noise of their knives and forks anymore. Or sometimes, one of them will get up and carry things around. Other times, I have to just make a time estimate. Tonight I was too early and had to go away again for three minutes while they ate the last two shrimps.

I need to work some more on this.

Wednesday, January 23

Dear Diary,

We found a flying saucer (one of those things that the kiddies go down snowy slopes on) on our walk this morning and decided to product test it. The human woman sat on it and I ran next to it. That was great fun. Otherwise, things have pretty much been same old same old here lately. The human man went back to work this morning - I asked him if I could come along but he said I couldn't.

The weather is nice and cold still - only problem is that it turns the humans into grumps about walking. Sometimes, i have to put my foot down and refuse to go inside when they try to cut our walk supershort. If they had a nice warm coat of fur like me, we wouldn't have this problem. Can't they just grow one?

Friday, January 11, 2008

Dear Diary,

A New Year and my two missions, the Vacuum-the-World Project and Human Obedience Training continue.

Today I made a great discovery which has to do with both missions. The snow has been melting off the side walks because first it was really warm and today it's been raining heavily. So all the tasty things that were hidden under the snow are coming out, tastier than ever.

Well, my human woman has been training me to "drop" the stuff I find on the side walk. If I ignore her, she will usually grab hold of me and dig whatever I was eating out of my mouth and then I'll be in trouble. If I drop what I have, I get a treat.

So I figured out a way to have the cake and eat it too: to both keep my side walk snack and get the treat. When the human woman orders me to "drop" I quickly swallow the thing I have in my mouth, grab anything nearby (a stick, a cigarette box or an old McDonalds-wrapper) and drop it immediately again. Then I give my human my prettiest smile and wave my tail.

If executed correctly, this maneuver makes her laugh and she gives me the treat even though I swallowed the sidewalk snack. After all I did obey her and "drop." I am very pleased with this compromise and I hope the HW likes it too.

Sunday, December 30

Dear Diary,

My human man doesn't always understand about the couch.

This is how we're supposed to sit in the evenings: me and the human woman on the couch and the human man in his chair where I am not allowed. But last night, things were all wrong. My human woman was not at home at all and my human man took my couch and kicked me off it.

Then HW came home and went and sat in the human man-chair and I realized I had to do something. I went and talked to her about the order and she fixed it...kind of. She made the human man move his legs so I could lie in my normal spot on the couch but he stayed in the couch. I had to keep an eye on him so he didn't kick me again.

The world as we know it is coming to an end!