dogs notes to self

DOG'S NOTES TO SELF:

~ The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

~ I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the
coffee table.

~ I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under
the bed.

~ I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

~ I will not eat the cats' food--before they eat it or after they
throw it up.

~ I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet
in the house when I am about to get sick.

~ I will not throw up in the car.

~ I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I
like the way they smell.

~ "Kitty box crunchies"--although they are tasty--are not food.

~ I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them
in the backyard after processing.

~ The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

~ I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

~ I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my
people will think I am hemorrhaging.

~ When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down
when it's raining outside.

~ We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on
TV.

~ I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard
with it.

~ The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.

~ My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

~ I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's
driver's license and car registration.

~ I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the
toilet.

~ I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option just after
getting a bath.

~ Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of
saying hello.

~ I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across
the carpet.

~ The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and just because
the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.

~ The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes
that noise, it's usually not a good thing.