I can't believe my mom did this to me!

I am in a total snit! She saw Henry & didn't let me see Henry! I was laying on the couch and I heard mom open the kitchen door, and she started talking to a dog, and she was saying the stuff she always said to Henry--she said stuff like "hi baby, hi sweetie, how are you?" and then she said "oooo oooo, you bad boy! showing off your pee-pee, my goodness!" and then she said "see you around, buddy. bye, baby." Well, I jumped off the couch and ran into the kitchen to see Henry & he wasn't there! She told me, "that was Smokey and his mama. you remember Smokey?" but I still don't believe it was Smokey, because she talked to that dog the way she talked to Henry...I wasn't born yesterday!

It has taken almost 2 months, but I....

have finally decided to sleep on Henry's old bed. I'm not sure why it bothered me to get back on it. It was my old bed, and it was my day bed when he was here. When I wasn't on the couch, or in the big bed, I slept on the hard floor since Henry went away.

I still pretend I don't know who my mom is talking about when she says "Henry." I perk up when I hear my friend Sophie's name mentioned. Mom doesn't understand that, and I can't explain it. I got to visit with Sophie twice in the past year & had Henry here constantly for a year and a month. I don't know. I just hate to acknowledge that I remember him because it makes me feel so funny. I feel lonely, and sad, and bored, and confused, and I want my baby brother back.

I give up

I've stopped wanting to go outside when I hear Henry's name. I know he is not out there. I don't know where he is. I saw him sick, I saw him dying, I saw him dead, and I saw my mom wrap him in towels and take him outside & she never brought him back. She took a photograph of me sniffing him before she wrapped him up--she doesn't understand why I don't understand.

Today is week 3 of him being gone, and mom took me out to the park to get me away from the house. I saw a deer, a turkey, and some Canadian geese. I also saw a bunch of people--including babies, and a very interesting lady crossing an intersection while sitting in a chair with wheels. I came home & got to bark at a cat that Henry hated--I know he would have liked me doing that.

Still so blue

I still can't believe Henry is gone. I REFUSE to believe Henry is gone. I stopped laying on the couch arm looking out the window for him---I just gave up----but now I have to go outside right away when I think of him so I can smell his favorite wee spots so I can check to see if he has been there weeing lately.

Last Staturday, my mom went out, then came home and took me outside with her while she was taking stuff out of our truck, and I tried my best to climb on the front bumper and the tailgate, and pawed at the door trying to open it--I just knew she'd gone and gotten Henry and brought him home, but hadn't taken him out of the truck yet.

I try to keep myself occupied--my mom made me a swimming pool out of a storage container & I swim a couple times a day, but it doesn't help much. My mom thinks I'm afraid she'll make me "gone" like Henry is gone. I try to be real nice and cuddly---I haven't been cuddly since I was a baby (so she says!), and I'm even nice to the cats. I walk past a spot of upturned ground in the yard and my mom calls it "Henry" and I don't know what she means.

Where to begin?

My baby brother died on my 4th Anniversary at home. I never wanted a baby brother, but my mom thought I needed a companion, and after he was here I saw that she was right--I really needed him in my life. He drove me up the wall and pestered me and made me so happy. He was such a good boy, he never bit me or growled at me no matter how mean I was.

I never got jealous of him, because he was such a good brother. I knew he wasn't stealing love away from me--he was giving me more love because he loved me. He chewed up all my old toys and chewies, but we got new ones all the time, so I didn't mind sharing.

He had only been home with us for 1 year and 3 weeks, and I never expected him to be gone so soon. The lady he lived with before had planned on keeping him with her, but she said he could live with us because mom said I needed a brother, not a sister, because she thought we'd argue too much. Henry had 2 sisters back there, and a big extended family & he always agreed when mom said I was the best sister (Tissy) he ever had.

I didn't understand what was happening when mom was laying in the floor with him & she was crying. Then the next morning he was laying wrapped up on the floor & mom took him outside and he never came back. All day long I sit on the arm of the couch & look out the window hoping I'll see him coming back.