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Buddy's Beat

12-Step Program for Schnauzers Who Chew on Stuff They're Not- Supposed To

December 5th 2007 7:00 pm
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One of our schnauzer pals chewed on Jesus a couple days ago. He was just lyin' there, in a manger and all, looking so yummy and sweet. Who could blame a schnauzer for wanting to taste Jesus?
Then MzIzz confessed to gnawing on the Virgin Mary, after recently confessing to crunching on a whole assortment of seemingly delicious things, like loaves of dead bread, glass votives and forbidden chocolate.
I hadn't realized what a plethora of damage a chewing schnauzer can cause! So far, I have chewed on first child's Ipod cord, the laptop computer power cord, used tissues, first child's yarn that was formerly the beginnings of a crocheted scarf, a cough drop still in its wrapper, a host of stuffed animals that didn't belong to me, a live rabbit (?), chess pieces (both black and white), piano flash cards, Mom's knitting needles, fourth child's backpack straps, rabbit poo, slugs, fourth child's soccer ball, third child's jumprope, two pairs of Mom's Keen Newport H2 sandals, and a partridge in a pear tree.
Actually, I made that last one up, though we do have a pear tree in our back yard and put a partridge in there and let me at it!
I tried to google my problem and see if anyone else out there was having the same struggles as I and my pals seem to be having. I came across a good 12-step program for overzealous masticators that I thought would be good to share.

1. We admit we are powerless over (insert chewing addiction here) – that our lives have become or caused someone else’s life to become unmanageable (extremely tangled), unpowered (chewed cords), unhealthy (saliva-covered), unreadable (shredded paper) or downright disgusting (unmentionable).
2. We come to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity, along with a bucket of new chewies.
3. We make a decision to turn our will and our jaws over to the care of our Pawrents “as we understand them.” (That “understand” part is key. Ignorance can be your friend.)
4. We make a searching and fearless moral (or was that ‘molar’?) inventory of ourselves and all our toys and chewies.
5. We admit to our pawrents, to ourselves, and to another schnauzer the exact nature of our wrongs. (confession, for example, “I chewed through the iPod cord – again.”)
6. We become entirely ready to have our pawrents train all these defects out of our characters through gentle and treat-laden means.
7. We humbly ask our pawrents to forgive our shortcomings by showing mournful puppy eyes and giving lots of licks and cuddles.
8. We make a list of all the items we have chewed, pawed, hid, lost, stolen or digested and be willing to somehow, some way make amends for their loss and/or destruction by being extra cute and endearing.
9. We make direct amends to our pawrents (or other necessary humans and/or animals), except when to do so would injure them or others (as in the case of our pet rabbit. Mom wouldn’t let me repair the breach, except through the bars of a secure cage).
10. We continue to take a personal inventory of our toys and chewies and when we discover something that belongs to the pawrents, not to us, we promptly admit it and return said item. We then might need to return to step 7, rinse and repeat as many times as needed. Just don’t rinse electrical items.
11. We seek through long naps and introspective silences to improve our conscious contact with our pawrents “as we understand them,” praying only for knowledge of their will for us and the power to carry out that will.
12. Having had a good long snooze and brood as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message to other schnauzers, and related breeds, and to practice these principles in all our affairs, so long as it keeps us in the good graces of those that feed us.


Buddy Grau


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