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Tail(s) of a Good Girl

Lincoln Logs

Hello loyal diary entry readers! I am back once again to fill you in on some tail wagging good news! My brother Demon Flash Bandit is a Dogster daily diary pick once again. Congrads Demon! (See, I can actually be nice and show praise Demon, you could learn a thing or two). I am in a good mood today and I hope everyone else is as jolly as I am right now. I could hug the Pooh Bear right out of someone right now! I know what you dogs are thinking, "Angel Zoom Smokey, why are you so happy?" Well, I have great news. I just got a letter from Publishers Clearing House informing me that I may be a millionaire! A MILLIONAIRE!!!! Just think what a dog can do with that kind of money!!! I am literally salivating this moment just thinking about the kind of foods I can afford to buy and eat with that money. I might get a few things for the humans as well. Jeff collects toys, perhaps I will buy him some Lincoln Logs. Lincoln Logs, of course, get their name from the famous human President Abraham Lincoln's massive and impressive stool samples (hence the name "logs"). On a side note, I think I have overheard of some humans sitting on a stool. All I can say is that I hope those humans had a change of pants with them. Anyway, the toy Lincoln Logs are actually made of wood. That makes the toy fun for Jeff and fun for me to chew on! Jeff also seems to collect dust if his room is any indication. I am not sure what I would get for mom. I think I would get her a poster of me to hang on the wall. Talk about the gift that keeps on giving. Anyway, I will soon be rich my fellow dogs, but never fear, I will still be the same old Angel Zoom Smokey I've always been. Money won't change me. It will, however, make it easier for me to get out of jail time for my many puppy slaps of justice.

My brother Jeff is happy because Tim Robbins has joined the cast of the upcoming film "Green Lantern". Jeff is a fan of Tim Robbins and loves the comic book Green Lantern. He is also a major nerd. The only reason I am sharing this information with you loyal readers is because I too am a fan of Mr. Robbin's work. I loved him in his Oscar winning role in the epic masterpiece "Howard the Duck". One of the few birds I will ever stick up for.

On the subject of movies, my brother told a funny story about this film he watched on UPN years ago entitled "Alien Abduction: Incident in Lake County". I guess UPN aired this "special" when Jeff was young and it scared him. I went on the computer and went to YouTube to see if I could find it and sure enough, I did. I CAN NOT believe this scared my brother when he was a kid. BOL Seriously, he told me that UPN promoted it as a piece of footage that had not been proven to be a hoax. He added that after UPN aired the "special" footage, they made sure to include credits that included a cast list. A CAST LIST!!! You have to hand it to networks in the '90s, they knew how to lie to an audience. Anyway, I guess one of the individuals "abducted" by these aliens (Aaron Pearl) has appeared in shows such as "Battlestar Galactica", "Fringe", "The Lone Gunmen", "The Outer Limits", "The Twilight Zone", "Stargate SG-1", "Smallville", "Dead Like Me", "The Dead Zone", "The L Word", and "Supernatual" in addition to appearing in such films as "The Pink Panther", "War", "White Noise 2: The Light", "X2: X-Men United", and "X-Men: The Last Stand". I am very happy to know that inbetween anal probes, aliens make sure the men and women they abduct have enough shore leave on Earth to pursue a film career. That really warms my heart.

Anyway, I still fail to understand human behavior but I'm growing to enjoy the unexpected. Just the other night I heard a man say "I once thought I was poor, till I met a man who had no feet. Then I realized how unlucky I was for having feet. Why you might ask? Because the man with no feet didn’t have to spend his hard earned money on shoes! Some people have all the luck!" That's something to think about, some food for thought if you will. Well, I better get mushing guys. I'll be sure to bark or howl at you again real soon! Take care everyone!

-Angel Zoom Smokey (Not a fan of alien birds)

Terror Alert!!!! Bird Spies Are Everywhere!!!!

Hello my fellow dogs. I am so very sorry for being MIA for the past week but there was a good reason for it. You see kind diary readers, I have gathered disturbing evidence that we have bird spies in Washington D.C. ready to take overthrow the government as we speak. Thanks to a special report Bo Obama entrusted me and Demon Flash Bandit with, I can now share with you proof of this vast bird conspiracy. Bo Obama has been sniffing around the White House all week and has informed me of numerous bird related happenings in his house. First of all, Bo has noticed several members of the secret service referring to something called "The West Wing". That has to be something bird related since humans nor dogs have wings. This has worried Bo Obama a great deal because he fears the secret service may be birds in disguise (he figured that out from reading my diary about a couple of weeks ago) and that they may not have President Obama's best intentions at heart.

Bo Obama loves his family and is taking steps to protect them as we speak. Demon and I have promised not to reveal what his plans are (in case a bird is reading this now) but I can tell you it involves these following items: a cage, a cracker, 17 AAA batteries, a DVD collection of Barney the Dinosaur, toe nail droppings, a fax machine, a collection of Abba's greatest hits, an old time radio, a Dukes of Hazzard General Lee R/C car, a 1966 Ford Fairlane, Jar Jar Binks, 13 Christmas Ornaments featuring Batman, a tube of KY jelly, 1 movie prop from the film "Gangs of New York", 2 mints, a T-Rex fossil, a poster of Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman, a web cam, a jar of John Goodman's sweat, 2 ancient shields, the starship U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701 or the Battlestar Galactica, a phone thrown by Russell Crowe, 3 cats wearing silly hats, Stephen Colbert, 69 wicker chairs, and a photo of Abe Vigoda in a thong. It's actually incredibly ingenious how Bo Obama is going to use all those items in a way that makes perfect sense.

If only poor Bo Obama's worries ended there ladies and gentlemen. Bo has informed us exclusively that the Oval Office contains a bird spy no one else seems to notice!!! That's right, there is a giant eagle in the middle of the Oval Office no one but Bo seems to see! If it weren't bad enough that the stupid bird is in Obama's office, apparently this bird has a host of arrows clinched in his dirty little claw and he is ready to strike! Bo Obama has taken steps to get rid of this terrorist bird, he's barked at him and peed on him R. Kelly style but the bird doesn't want to leave! Bo is asking for your support and he hopes everyone will pray for the terrorist eagle's quick and painful death.

Someone in Washington D.C. MUST raise the terror alert!!! Birds are planning their attack! Alfred Hitchcock was a genius who tried to warn us all! Serious folks, birds are even slowing taking over our language. When a friend helped you cruise for women, he use to be known simply as a good friend, now he is a "wing man". Does that even make sense? I can see it if he was Angel from the X-Men. Note: their is in fact a character named Angel in the X-Men comics and films. He also happens to have wings. It is not me and I want nothing to do with that winged birdude. (Birdude: Noun: A person who is part bird, and part "dude".) Also, I have now heard humans use the phrase "under my wing" as a slang way of saying "apprentice". What's wrong with just saying apprentice anyway? There was once a great man known the world over for his apprentice work under a sorcerer, and that man was Mickey Mouse. I say if the title apprentice is good enough for Mickey Mouse, it's good enough for the rest of the world. Leave the "under my wing" talk in the bird cage folks.

Anyway, on to a new and funnier subject. My human brother Jeff was a product of the '80s. Sure, he was just a kid and he grew up largely in the '90s (that's the 1990's folks, although he does look old enough to be from the 1890's to us dogs) but the culture did have an effect on him, which explains why he is so weird. Sure, he's not a fan of a lot of things that came in the '80s, after all, as Jeff puts it, it would have still been that cool era of the '70s if the stupid good for nothing '80s hadn't come along. Jeff has admitted however, that a few good things came from that dark decade. A few good bands came along (sorry Boy George, I think Jeff means U2 and R.E.M.) but he feels that music was pretty weak and silly in the '80s. I, being a dog, have no idea what he is talking about, but I find his rants funny so here goes. Jeff does like SOME of the movies of the '80s. I know he was a big Star Wars fan and that he loved The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. He also enjoyed the Star Trek films from the '80s as well. He also holds a soft spot in his heart for a film called "Ghostbusters". He even bought a "Ghostbusters" video game recently and has a die-cast 1:21 scale Ecto 1 in his room. Note: I plan to sell this item on E-Bay because it is worth a lot. The money that stupid car can net could keep me and Demon in rawhides for hours!! HOURS I say!!! Anyway, Jeff loved "Ghostbusters" so much as a kid that he use to drink this beverage known as "Ecto Cooler" and he even brushed his teeth with "Slimer's toothpaste" I think, I toned out for a bit there. Anyway, it got me thinking, do you think it was wise to have children drink and brush their teeth with ghost slime? That seems gross (and a little tasty). I guess kids back then (including my brother Jeff) couldn't get enough ghost slime. I should ask Ernie Hudson about this when he comes to the local comic con here in May. That's if they allow dogs that is. Jeff said he's met Ernie Hudson twice at comic cons and he is a really nice guy. Of course with Jeff, he could have been talking about meeting Ernie Hudson's action figure. I love my brother but he doesn't have the brains God gave Habibah, which isn't saying much.

Speaking of Habibah, I know all of you dogs will want to know what is going on with that ancient pyramid builder and his loyal and trusted ancient dog, Gahiji. Well, I just happened to find a page of Gahiji's diary lying around...in a book on Demon's nightstand...and it just happened to find it's way into my paws. Wild story, right? Anyway, here it is.


Gahiji: Short Humans Have No Reason to Build

Hello all you beautiful people out there, this is Gahiji, Habibah the human's trusted pet/secret master. First of all, Hibabah has been at it again and he has got some "splaining" to do. He got busted last week by his boss writing hieroglyphics in the Pharaoh's burial chamber. He wrote things such as "Get a Life" in the burial chamber because it was, to quote Habibah, "funny as the underworld". He was lucky because his boss let that slide after it started raining frogs. (Don't even get me started on that). Anyway, now Habibah is back to his old ways and he is once again writing hieroglyphics in the Pharaoh's burial chamber. This time he came up with the genius phrase "your mummy wears army boots". I swear that human is going to wind up on the wrong end of a blade at the rate he is going. Anyway, I met this nice man named Imhotep today. He told me he was going to annoy the heck out of some dude named Brendan Fraser in the 1950's. I lost interest after he told me he would raise AGAIN after his second death. That doesn't make much sense to this dog since the last time I checked, it was impossible to rise from your grave once. But whatever, that's his journey. SPECIAL NOTE: Imhotep's name in hieroglyphs is as follows: HIEROGLYPH #1: Stonehedge looking dude. HIEROGLYPH #2: Some stupid bird. HIEROGLYPH #3: A symbol of a stamp (he probably worked at the ancient post office).

I went to an ancient fortune teller the other day with Hibabah. She informed us that Hibabah would die as a result of his stupidity (big shock there). She also informed me that I MUST use the term "ancient" as much as possible in my diary because a dog in the future named Demon Flash Bandit would find this diary and publish on a thing called Dogster. So ladies and gentlemen, now you know why I say ancient so much. The fotune tell also told me that in the future, there might be a man, and that man’s name might be Jay Leno, and that man will in turn out to be a big jerk who doesn’t get the numbers and plays victim even when he is in the wrong every chance he gets. I don't know what that was about but I'll write in my diary entry anyway. I better get digging. The Pharaoh has hired some short workers to dig out tunnels in his burial chamber. That's a dog's job! I'll let you know more about this as it happens. Take care!

-Gahiji ("Ancient" dog)

Wow, that was great, wasn't it! Well, I better get mushing along as well. I hope you enjoyed this diary and feel free to leave comments. Thank you and have a beautiful day!

-Angel Zoom Smokey (Friend of Bo Obama)

Angel Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzoom Smokey Monster

Hello everyone, I wish I could be more upbeat but this is a terrible day for me. For those of you dogs in the loop, Demon Flash Bandit has been chosen as a daily diary pick again! I’m proud of him but he likes to rub it in my face and make me feel worthless. I even started crying. You hear that Dogster HQ…CRYING!!!! Demon saw me crying despite my attempts to hide it from him. He came over to me and but his arm around me. I couldn’t believe it! Was Demon actually going to be nice for once! In a word, no. He came over and proceeded to lick my tears like Cartman did in “South Park”. Then he let me know that my tears tasted like failure. FAILURE! To add insult to injury, he added a remark about watching the tears of a clown. I am not a clown! I am a super dog…er…normal dog named Angel. Don’t worry all you Demon fans out there, he didn’t disappoint. Even now, I am listening to Smokey Robinson because a certain Mr. Flash Bandit feels the need to play “Tears of a Clown” while I write my diary. Real mature Demon! So I only have one question for Dogster HQ, when is going to be the zoomster’s time? NOTE: Please pay no attention to the Diary of the Day honor you gave me recently. Demon has already forgotten about it unfortunately.

Most of you guys out their with paw on the pulse of news know that my middle name is Zoom. It may be a sort of silly name but I have grown to like it. Demon, on the other paw, doesn’t seem to realize that an Angel Zoom Smokey by any other name would still smell as sweet. He doesn’t respect my name at all and he tries to find ways to make fun of me through those names. (Note to Dogster HQ: I deserve a sympathy vote, maybe for something like dairy of the day again or dog of the day.) Anyway, he’s been calling me ‘Doom’ instead of Zoom. He doesn’t respect my namesake at all. Zoom is an old Scottish name that my ancestors, the McHusky clan, married into. That sounds respectable enough. Demon says I’m talking out of my butt though, and then he added that the talk doesn’t smell to good and that my butt could use a breath mint. What a little jerk! If the whole ‘Doom’ thing wasn’t bad enough, he has started calling me the ‘Smoke Monster’. This is a reference to “Lost” which my humans have been watching. He says that my name is Smokey and therefore I am the ‘Smoke Monster’. I tried telling Demon my theory on the smoke monster, that he is an anti-tobacco PR stunt, Demon just smirked and responded “Sure ‘Smokey’, that is what you’d like us to think.” Although he did make one good point, the smoke monster does seem to issue fatal puppy slaps of justice just like I do. So evil, beware!

I have been thinking long and hard lately about the music industry. One band in particular seemed to fascinate me more than other groups. That band, of course, is ‘ZZ Top‘. I like them and all, but seriously, ‘ZZ Top‘? What a stupid name! Did they start off as a garage band named ‘AA Bottom‘? Did they grow famous in college and go by the name ‘BB YY Side to Side‘? Maybe Carrot Top can join their group and they can change their name to ‘ZZ Carrot Top’. NOTE: I better make sure to buy the rights to www.zzcarrottop.com up before this happens. Seriously, why ‘ZZ Top’? Maybe they were fans of sleeping and the name ‘Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Top’ would have been to long. Who knows? Not this dog. I would literally give a poop to know why they went by ‘ZZ Top’. A whole poop!

My human brother Jeff has a friend who drives a Chevy Cobalt SS. Smooth move Chevy, I can’t seem to remember any other thing or group in history using ‘SS’ before. Oh wait, now I remember. I seem to vaguely remember German officers belonging to the ‘SS’. It’s amazing Volkswagen didn’t beat Chevy to that name!

Speaking of my brother Jeff, I would have written this entry sooner but he is busy looking up movie props. I would say it is a stupid hobby and collection, but it’s not as bad as it seems. Can you imagine getting a rawhide chewed on by Lassie? That would be a prized collectible that would wide up in my belly. Maybe Jeff can buy a movie star’s poop. That way me and Demon can smell and to see what that star had for dinner and to see if that same star has worms. These are important things to know. Can you imagine how grateful a celebrity would be to know that he or she has worms! Why, it could lead the humans in this house into meeting the greatest actor of all time, Keanu Reeves. I met Keanu Reeves once. He is an EXTREMELY nice guy and he is remarkably silent. That is when I officially realized I was talking to the tree out front. As it turns out, I never actually met Keanu Reeves but the tree out front could have fooled me! Joking aside, Keanu Reeves is great and from what I’ve heard, a very nice man. I am sure he doesn’t have worms. Anyway, my brother Jeff buying movie props got me thinking, is that how the phrase “giving props” got started? Did some actor agree to do a movie if he got ‘props’ for doing it. I think Jeff would.

My humans were watching something on YouTube yesterday. All I can say is thank goodness for YouTube. I can honestly say that it is one of the most unique forms of entertainment around the world. You can even become a YouTube sensation and become famous! However, there are drawbacks to YouTube fame, namely, how you become famous. Most individuals don’t become famous on YouTube due to talent. Oh no ladies and gentlemen, that would be way to hard, time consuming and annoying. Instead, YouTube rewards individuals ‘fame’ due to one of three conditions. One possibility is that something very embarrassing happens to you. An example of this would be a guy getting hit in the nuts. Talk about a classic! To become a true internet star, it does tend to have to be unique. Sure, a rack can hit a guy in the nuts, but imagine how embarrassing (and painful) it would be to get hit in the nuts by lightning…on film! And hey, if lightning hits you in the nuts, the least you deserve is fifteen minutes of fame. This leads me to the next way you can set the internet on fire, do something dangerous. Sure, anyone can drive a car, but not everyone can have a car fall on their crotch. Folks like Johnny Knoxville have become pioneers in this form of entertainment and they deserve a big round of applause. Lastly, if danger isn’t your style and nothing embarrassing happens to you because you’re unlucky enough to be lucky, try saying something incredibly stupid. Something Jessica Simpson would be proud of. You know, something REALLY dumb, something to the affect of “I wonder why baseball bats don’t fly away, isn’t that animal cruelty?” (SPECIAL NOTE: Okay, you can’t beat Jessica Simpson in this department, you can only try). If one or all of these techniques fail, try a combo of all three. How could you not become famous if you are caught picking your nose and eating your buggers in front of a hungry mountain lion while singing MC Hammer’s “Hammer Time”.

Onto another topic, a topic my human brother Jeff is very passionate about. That subject is the stupidity of most English professors and teachers. Jeff informed me that most college professors would grade my diary poorly because they think they are holy than thou or some such nonsense. They think words such as ‘very’ are beneath educated folk and that you should only use ‘big words’ to prove you are better than everyone else. This dog says that kind of thinking is VERY stupid and VERY arrogant. Since when did using words like ‘very’ ever hurt a truly creative piece of work. News flash teachers and professors of America, people have used words such as ‘very’, ‘and ‘extremely’ years before they started punished children by making them read Shakespeare. Actually, Jeff stated the reason professors and teachers don’t like words such as ’very’ is that they are “filler words”. So what? Our American youth needs filler words such as ‘very’ to compete with the other children of the world or something like that. I lost my train of thought. So…um…yah…I remember. I was talking about teachers…and…er…how they shouldn’t eat their poop or something. That is a truly disgusting habit and not a very constructive hobby. Bad teachers, bad!

Anyway, I’ve got things to do so I better get going. I just got on Dogster today to crew bubblegum and kick butt, and I’m all out of bubblegum. Okay, I stole that line from a movie, sue me! NOTE: Please DO NOT sue me. Joking aside, be safe everyone and remember, NEVER do the chicken dance at a weddings! It is apart of the birds evil plan to ruin weddings by making the bride and groom look silly. Do not fall for it ladies and gentlemen. Just say NO to chicken dances.

-Angel Zoom Smokey (Not a Chicken Dancer)