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The Muttchka Manifesto

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I have a brother.

May 21st 2010 8:32 am
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My mom says he is my "brother from another mother," which sounds like people gibberish to me, but he is fun. His name is Batman. We like to play wrestling and chase and bite face. Sometimes he bites me hard and I cry, but I am teaching him that that means just don't bite me as hard. We love to play together and he's re-introducing me to lots of my old toys!

He did get chicken yesterday, and seeing other dogs eat chicken makes me want chicken, but I had beef.

We both have crazy butt mohawks and fall down a lot and are crazy goofy snuggle dogs. I think we are BFFs, only different because he lives in my house. Last night I didn't sleep on my bed, I slept on the floor next to him (on Mom's side of the bed, which I think made Dad sad, so I will have to lick his face - maybe Batman will help!). He is very hyper and runs around a lot, which looks like FUN but I am an all grown up dog now and he thinks he is a puppy.


These are some eventful times!

April 27th 2010 12:52 pm
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Wow, my friends, many things have happened since I last wrote, and no, I'm not having puppies.

You see, for the past few weeks, the humans kept talking to me and petting me and stuff. I thought this was good, because I love attention. Then Mom started putting things in boxes, which is TERRIBLE, but it wasn't putting all our stuff in boxes, so it was okay. Maybe she was "cleaning" or doing other strange human rituals.

Two weeks ago, Mom got up and got all her running stuff ready and I was SO EXCITED but she was going to a "race" which means "no dogs allowed" and I don't know why she even does those. Running with me is super fun. Then a little while later, Dad got up and we went for a little walk. Well something made all the humans ever all excited and THEY WERE ALL RUNNING. There were some dogs watching (why weren't the dogs running too? I want to run!!!) and I wanted to meet them. All other dogs are Very Interesting and potential BFFs. Dad did not let me. Then, guess who came by? MOM. She was one of the crazy running people! And she ran away without me! Then Dad and I went home and he left me all by myself. He and mom came back after a while and they put me in my crate because some strange men came over.

Mom and dad put all of our stuff in boxes (BAD!!!!) and the strange men started taking all of our stuff outside. I woofed and I woofed, then after a while I settled down and ate from my Kong with ground bison in it and also the chicken feet Mom kept giving me. Mom stayed with me even when Dad went away. Then we went for a Car Ride and went to a house with a big yard and they let me off my leash. I ran around and rolled in the grass and was very happy.

Apparently we live there now. I love to roll in the grass. Mom and Dad say they "own" the house and so we don't have to move (aka Traumatize the Miss) every year or so any more.

Things are going well now. Yesterday Mom came home and then left me really fast, but she brought me back a present when she came back - a new tag! Apparently I am "licensed" now. Whatever. She also made me a flirt pole, which is my New Favorite Thing and I woof at the tennis ball in a sock that is tied to the end because I want to Get It and sometimes I do and then we play Tug.

I love my yard. I love it so much.


Good for Dogs, Part III: A Corollary

March 22nd 2010 4:46 pm
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Okay, this isn't an entry about things that are Good for Dogs. This is an important corollary:

Humans cannot decide what is Good for Dogs.

This should be obvious! Only dogs can decide what is good for them, because we are the only ones that really know! I can't tell my mom what is Good for People - except that I will make rrrring noises until I get what I want, so why can she and my dad tell me what is Good for Dogs?

Humans think things like the vet and the Dremel are good for dogs. This is not true, and they wouldn't know.

Of course, I am a smart dog, so I have some insight into what is Good for People, so here's another corollary:

What is Good for Dogs is Good for People.

For example, tennis balls are good for dogs. If I want to play with my tennis ball (Good for Dogs), and my mom will not throw me the ball, I will rrrr and pester her until she throws the ball. Humans respond well to pestering, and so I propose that they just do what the dogs want. That is Good for People.

All the other weird stuff that is good for them they can figure out on their own.


I am a sports dog: I was in a race and I won!

February 16th 2010 1:01 pm
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Mom and I go running together. Now, friends, when Mom calls it "running," she really means "walking really fast for dogs and maybe trotting." Sometimes I can walk next to her, but I think that doesn't make her feel good about herself, so I at least pant a little to make it look like I'm working as hard as she is.

Mom isn't fast, but she runs for a long, long time. So far it hasn't been too long for me to come with, but she is thinking maybe some day it will be because she wants to do something called a "marathon" (which means big race and no dogs allowed - sad!) and apparently dogs don't do marathons. I say maybe I am secretly part Siberian Husky and I want to run run run for a long time! I just want to be with my mom.

Well a few weeks ago Mom did something Very Mean. She got up in the morning on a Saturday (which are days when the humans pay me lots of attention!) and put on her fun running clothes. I was very excited because I like going for runs with Mom! I get to sniff things and go to the park and run! I do like running! And then she said "I'll be right back for you" and LEFT WITHOUT ME.

She said she went to a "race" (she had done one of these before and Dad brought me to watch Mom run, but I got too "excited" or something and he had to take me home - boo) and that dogs were not allowed. But she took me to see my BFF Kristy, so it was okay.

Well on this Saturday she got up and put on her running clothes again AND she was going to a race but I got to go too! She got an email saying dogs could run the race as long as they started a few minutes later, because some dogs in the other race were running like crazy all over the place (Mom says that's why I have a short leash; it's really because I am a Good Dog and I know to stay by Mom except when there are fun things to sniff). So we went for a big car ride and she LEFT ME IN THE CAR. COME ON! She ran into this building thing and then came back for me just as lots and lots of people started running. Some were very, very fast - much faster than Mom (most people are faster than Mom). She got me out of my seatbelt and took me to where the starting line was, and we said hello to a sheriff man. Mom gave me treats, and talked to him for a second, and I woofed at him, so I didn't get any more treats. Apparently I'm not supposed to woof at people randomly, no matter how fun it is.

And then we started running. At first I was very excited and wanted to run all over and sniff things because we were by a big, big lake. Mom gave me lots of treats for passing people without woofing, and I was very good! After a while we stopped at a table and Mom gave me water, but I wanted to see what the other people were getting! You see, when people reach onto a table, that means food, which is very Good for Dogs. Mom told me it was just like what she was giving me, but I have to make sure! But I was very good with people reaching over me and everything, then we went running again. So. Much. Running. We stopped at the table with food on it (Mom says it was just water, but whatever) again on the way back.

Mom practically had to drag me to the finish line. This was the longest we have ever run!

Then we went in a building and there were lots of people, only a few of whom I woofed at, and some dogs that I made friends with. There was also coffee, which I wanted, but Mom said no. And everyone loved me and wanted to be my best friends, because I am a good running dog. There was even a man who had a special thing that made his voice so loud and I didn't woof. Mom was very proud of me, but we have to work on my woofing some more.

Mom tells me I won the race, even though lots of people finished before me. She says I was the fastest dog in my "age group." Mom came in 14th in her age group, but she is fine with that. You see, she had never run this race before, so it's like we both won! I got lots of tummy rubs and pettings and I slept for the next two days because that was so much fun! There is another race in two weeks or so and I hope to run at least part of it with my Mom!


ABCs of Mississippi - because I need more letters

January 16th 2010 7:42 pm
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I know, friends, you haven't heard from me in a while. Well put away your sad eyes, I am doing another diary entry!

I borrowed this idea from my friend Chingu who is awesome because he likes chasing kitties. I think we would be BFFs.

So, without further ado, one thing about me for every letter of the people alphabet. Mom says this is not the only people alphabet, but whatever. Every letter of the people alphabet that mom uses. Sheesh, Mom, way to be politically correct.

A is for ANTLERS! I love chewing on antlers. Sometimes mom hides my antlers and I go find them. This makes me a very happy girl, so I chew on the antler to celebrate.

B is for BARKING, which is one of my favorite hobbies. Apparently Mom and Dad don't like it except when they say "What do you say?" Which means I get to woof!! I am very good at barking. And woofing. And talking.

C is for CLICKS! These are noises that Mom makes when I am teaching her things I can do that get me treats.

D is for DOG PARK! I get very excited to go there, then I sniff around a lot. I like meeting other dog friends, but Mom says I am a "tease" and ignore them after we've said hello.

E is for ELK, which is what Dad says I look like. He says I make funny noises like an elk, but I am not delicious like one.

F is for FUR, which I have a lot of, especially on my butt. I do not like having my butt brushed too much, but that is where lots of my fur is.

G is for GET IT! Those are some of my favorite words ever! Sometimes I want mom to say these words when I think I see a kitty, because I love chasing kitties.

H is for HUNTING! I like going hunting for kitties and birds. I will scan around with my ears perked up and not sniff any trees when I'm hunting. Apparently humans do not like me to wake them up in the middle of the night so I can do a quick potty and then go hunting. Hrmph.

I is for ICE CREAM, which is what Mom should get me all the time! I had some of hers once and it was delicious!!

J is for JUMPING BEAN! I love jumping. It is the best way to get at people's faces for kisses. Mom and I have bumped our heads together because I was jumping. I also like jumping over things and onto higher places, but I can't do agility jumping because I have a "gimpy knee."

K is for KRISTY. She is my BFF, even though she likes to growl a lot and guard her toys from me. I love her so much, and she loves me too even though she pretends she hates me.

L is for LICKING. I love to lick! I lick people's faces lots. I also like to lick my dinner and my crate and the floor and my dad's face, which I have only done one time. Mom says I need to wait until he's sleeping.

M is for MEAT. I love to eat meat! Especially beef ribs and tripe and venison and elk and buffalo and this lamb head I ate! Mom gives me meat, so that's another M. So is what I think about meat, which is "mmmmmmmmmm!"

N is for NIBBLE, which is how I eat sometimes. I can be a very dainty lady when I am not sure I like food. I nibbled on beef heart and on some fish, which I later deemed unacceptable.

O is for OCTOBER, which is when Mom says my birthday is. Every October I get a big special meal and Mom finds puppy noises on the internet and asks me how cute I was as a baby (which I was infinitely cute), then says I was slimy and gross. I say slimy and gross is awesome, because I am a dog.

P is for PILLOWS. I like to lay my head on pillows. Today Mom hid my antler(!!!) behind a pillow on the couch, so I had to dig to get the antler. I moved the pillow, and it was just the perfect distance from the other pillow on the couch, so I had one for my bum and one for my head! Then Dad took my head pillow away because I was chewing my antler on it.

Q is for QUIET, which is what Dad thinks I am. I am lots of times, until I want to get out of my crate or if we're in the car and I'm excited. Then I make lots and lots of noise.

R is for RRRR, the noise I make when I need attention, or to be let out of my crate. I rrred at Mom once because it was time to go running - 5:15 - but she was "tired" from when we went running the day before. But that's why you sleep all day! Crazy mom!

S is for STICKS! I LOVE CHEWING ON STICKS!!!! I like to bring Mom and Dad sticks then break them with my mighty jaws. They are very impressed.

T is for TENNIS BALL! I like to play with tennis balls, and roll on them and chase them. Sometimes my ball will squeak and I like the noise. I will bring the ball to my people if I want them to play with me, but sometimes I will just snuggle the ball.

U is for UTAH, which is where I am from, even though I am really a Rare Russian Muttchka from Russia. With Love.

V is for VACUUM, which is an evil monster! It takes my fur and the glorious dirt and EATS IT. And it makes a terrible noise and I think it wants to take the fur off my beautiful body and so I run away from it!

W is for WATER, which might be my favorite thing ever. I love to play in it and swim in it and dig in it and play tennis ball in it and lay in it and sit in it and run in it... and when it gets cold it turns to SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

X is for X-RAY, which I had done when I was sick and had to go to the evil vet. Mom and Dad got to see my guts, but I had to stay with the Strange People, but they smelled like kitties, so it was okay. Then I went home and had lots of tummy rubs!

Y is for YES! That means I have done something good but Mom doesn't have my clicker.

Z is for ZOOM! I like to run fast with my mom, even though she is very slow. But sometimes she lets me go fast and I love zooming around! I also get zoomies sometimes, and this makes Mom very happy.

There you go! I think that about covers it!


Stolen treats taste better.

April 25th 2009 12:25 pm
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I started chewing the couch again, so Mom went to the dog store (with the kitty!) with me yesterday. I was distraught because the kitty was hiding.

And these treats were at Miss-level, so I took one.

It was only a dollar! Get over it, Mom!


Good for Dogs, Part II

April 15th 2009 9:52 am
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This entry is dedicated to my dad, who thinks he knows what's good for dogs.

Water is good for dogs. Most people understand this, because they give us bowls of water in dishes and toilets. Also, they take us to parks so we can swim in rivers and lakes and play in the water.

This is where Dad gets confused. Baths are not good for dogs, unless it's making a swimming pool out of the bathtub and putting toys and treats in there. Showers are very bad for dogs.

Dirt is also good for dogs. My dad likes to have things very "clean," which means no dirt. I try to tell him how dirt makes me a happy dog, but he doesn't understand.

You see, Mom thought she would adopt a black dog. Since I am such a nice girl, I wanted to try to be a black dog for my mom by rolling in dirt.

This brings me to the next thing that is very good for dogs: MUD. It is made up of two things that are good for dogs - water (not from a shower) and dirt. So mud is twice as good for dogs as just water, but especially dirt. So I don't know why Dad tells me to get out of the mud. Mud is fun, it feels so squishy in my paws and I like to lay in it sometimes.

I can also make mud by getting in the water and then laying down in dirt. This gives me a sense of accomplishment, which is also good for dogs.

I need to review something I know I've already been over: beef ribs. SO GOOD FOR DOGS. I got some last night and laid down in my crate eating and eating and chewing on the bones and wagging my tail which was hanging out of the crate. Mom thought it was funny, and laughing is good for dogs, because it means the humans are happy. Kristy taught me this, and she is the Boss Dog, so it must be true (or at least I have to pretend).

Cooking is good for dogs, even if your mom says that dogs don't get cooked food. Cooking means spilling (which is another reason why Mom is very good for dogs - she is messy). My advice to dogs is to stay very close to your humans when they cook, no matter what they say to you. That way, if any food goes on the ground, it's yours within seconds. Also, if you trip the human, MORE FOOD. See? I am a smart cookie! Another thing you should definitely do is hang around the humans when they eat. Yesterday Mom tried taking a bite of blueberry pancake, but it missed her mouth and went right on the floor! SCORE!

And lastly, even though they don't always know what is good for dogs, moms and dads are the best for dogs. They give us love and food and make us very happy.


Mom thinks I'm awesome (and humans are smarter than dogs?- BOL!)

April 2nd 2009 12:55 pm
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Okay, friends, Mom has decided that I, Mississippi, am awesome. Silly humans, I've known this for a long time, and I know Mom has known it too! She did want to give me this chance to brag, though, so here it goes.

Why My Humans Think I am Awesome

1. I like Led Zeppelin. I have showed interest in it, especially "The Immigrant Song."
2. I also like The Beatles.
3. I watched - and loved - Star Wars, especially R2D2 and the Jawas.
4. I like the Gumby voice from Monty Python's Flying Circus.
5. I like to swim in rivers like Mom.
6. I like terriers, like Dad.
7. I have shown great interest in Mom's chocolate Reese's peanut butter cup Blizzards from Dairy Queen as well as Cherry Coke.
8. My toes are adorable.
9. I love to snuggle.
10. I like to chase cats and birds, and sometimes Mom helps me. (Shh!)
11. I am the best dog ever.

As far as updates for my life, I now live with my mom and my dad in a place with a yard and birds! There are also some cats around for me to chase. This is very important because Dad is allergic to cats. So I put one on the roof!

Mom and Dad got married, whatever that means, and left me by myself with Kristy and Mom's parents for a week. I was sad, then they came home and I got my new house! I get lots of walks and snuggles, and now I know that I am happiest when both of my parents are home!

I still don't have a cat all for myself, but I am working on Mom and Dad. I do have a next-door neighbor dog friend, who is a Sheltie mix and she is very pretty. I make lots of friends when I walk around the neighborhood, and lots of dogs woof at me. Mom says they want to be friends with me. I know this, because I am such a good dog!

I also love playing with Bauer, who is bigger than me! She is still just a baby though. These boy dogs wanted to hump her but she wanted to carry a toy around trying to get dogs to play with her. She is such a ham! I love Bauer!

I am getting lots and lots of chicken feet because they are delicious and Mom and Dad love feeding me treats. They also love taking me for walks and to the park, so I don't understand why they don't do it more instead of leaving me all by myself all day! At least they let me nap on the couch.

I have lots of tennis balls! Mom wrapped them in her socks so that is fun! I can play tug with them now, and the humans love throwing them for me.

All this talk about my humans is making me miss them. I will go back to sleep now.


CATS!!! And Mom is learning how to make baths not suck!

January 14th 2009 9:21 pm
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I was awoken early this morning to the sound of some very unhappy cats. They were yowling and yowling. I LOVED IT! I wanted to play with the cat (or cats!) So I woke Mom up and she thought it was a baby being hit or something, but then she figured out it was a CAT! (Silly humans.) She took me outside for a second just in case I had to pee, but I stopped paying attention to her so she brought me back in. I was LOOKING for the cat! I don't want to come back to Mom when there's a cat! Mom said something about it must be in heat, but it's kind of cold here... no wonder it was meowing so much!

So then she went back to bed and the rest of the day progressed as normal, including my romp in the little dog run at our complex. The past two days the dog run has been REALLY muddy and my paws get covered in mud. Yesterday Mom gave me my first "foot bath" - she just put an inch or so of water in the bathtub and I got in and stood there. The bathtub isn't as scary when the shower's not on. Well today my foot bath started when there was no water and Mom turned the scary faucet on. I got clicks for not worrying so much, so I became better with it pretty quick.

Then she closed the "drain" and water started coming around my paws. She got this idea to throw treats in the water! I LOVED IT! Bobbing for treats! One treat went under the water and wouldn't come up when I dug at it, which is what tennis balls usally do, so I stuck my nose in. This made Mom very happy. I bobbed for lots of treats! I also got to play with my ball in the tub. It was so much fun!

Then Mom pointed at the drain again and I went to get it, thinking it was a treat, when it made funny noises. All of a sudden my water was going away! I did try to bite the drain like I did when bobbing for treats, but that didn't work and I just got water in my nose.

It was the best bath ever!


2008 is gone!

January 1st 2009 7:54 pm
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Happy New Year everyone! I got to play in the snow again this New Year's Day!

A year ago today, my mom started acting funny. She didn't give me my normal dinner, but gave me this cold meat thingy (that I never ate). Yes, pups, I've been eating raw for a year now! To celebrate, my mom is not going to give me turkey again. Yuck, turkey.

Oh, and I am coming up with Part II of "Good for Dogs," but you don't want to rush genius, do you?

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