February 4th 2005 10:47 am
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Hello out there, friends. It's February and I'm back to share my latest news with all of you.
Last time I wrote, you heard of the harrowing saga between myself and the uncle. Things have surprisingly improved since then. Mommy's psychological tricks are not always in vain, I will have to admit. Uncle has now become a source of treats and games, which Mommy does not always have time to play with me. Perhaps he is not so bad to have around, after all. I still refuse to allow him to finish his dinner. Come on, I'm not a total pushover. But I will refrain from soiling his belongings so long as the games keep coming. Every time he throws my tennis ball or gives me an empty bottle, I find the desire to ruin his shoes fading from me a little. Someday we may even reach the level of warm acquaintances. But that is as far as it will go, of course. I am still the number two dog in this pack. Now and forever.
The issue now is that I still enjoy thieving from time to time. I can't help it. There is something about the rush of it all that I can't resist. The strategy, the waiting, the planning, and the adrenaline during execution. I recently thieved the most bizarre object from Mommy- something she calls a lipstick.
I have seen her with these many times in the mornings when she is standing in the bathroom. They look delicious- she's always got them near her mouth so they must be divine little snacks. Well, my friends, let me advise you- lipstick is not good tasting. I don't know why in the world Mommy has that awful stuff.
I planned to sample some myself late one evening while she was disposed in the shower. The perfect time, by the way, for covert activities. Wet humans do not like to run around like we do, and they will stay in that bathroom until they are dry and robed. This allows plenty of time for any questionable doings without being interrupted by Mommy.
I heard the water go on and spied a lipstick left on the kitchen table. Just like the banana cake, I knew that if properly motivated I could get my corgi body up onto that high surface. And properly motivated I was, because I had had my heart set on trying lipstick for quite sometime. Finally, my moment had come.
Using the famous double chair move, I hopped my way up by rising levels from the easy chair to the table chair and finally onto the table itself. Success was mine. I stole the lipstick in my mouth and brought it to the sofa were I proceeded to cover it in my mouth.
It was disappointing at first. It just tasted like those awful nylabones I don't like. Just plastic- no flavor. And then- something awful began to fill my mouth. The bright pink filling (which I assumed was the good stuff) burst forth and tasted completely foul. It was waxy and thick. As I tried to rid myself of it, I only succeeded in covering my teeth and paws with the awful stuff. Ugh!! I began to feel enourmous sympathy for Mr. Ed, who I had seen on television looking like he had peanut butter stuck on the top of his mouth for half hour segments at a time. The more I licked and tried to spit out, the more it spread. Now it was on my most favorite and largest chew toy- the sofa- and all over me.
Finally Mommy came out of the shower. Usually I feel that she can stay in there for hours, but this time I could not wait to see that steam stop pouring out of the doorway. She came out, stopped dead, and stared at me.
Then of course, she flew into her crisis mode, and began talking fast and checking me for blood and cuts. When she lifted my body, she spied the smoking gun- the cracked and mangled green plastic tube. She held the evidence of my shameful escapade aloft and suddenly burst into a highly obnoxious giggle fit. While I sat miserable on the sofa she rolled onto the floor, now being rocked with a full on belly laugh. All at my expense. Some gaurdian, huh?
When she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and made sure that the waxy snack was not going to poison me. At this point, I felt that such a thing would almost be a blessing considering my current misery.
As if that were not enough, I had to be punished for my thieving! Certainly I had suffered enough. I wanted to assure Mommy that I would never steal this evil substance every again- she could have all of it she wanted to herself. But no, humiliation had to occur in addition to physical discomfort.
Mommy scooped me up and informed me that my punishment was going to be a photo to memorialize this event and a long stare in the mirror at my ridiculous face.
She hauled me into the bathroom- the place she keeps these foul little things- and held me up to the mirror. Never in my life have I been so embarassed. Not even when I lost control during my sofa escapade. I thought, 'I look like I belong in a doggie drag show.' This sentiment was immediately confirmed by Mommie who said the same thing through her laughter almost verbatim. All I needed was to have my flashy special occasion rhinestone collar on, and the show look would've been complete.
Needless to say, this has ended my love affair with lipsticks. Mommy still puts them up to her mouth all the time, and now, instead of envying her, I nearly gag wondering how she stands it. I have noticed now that my desire has cooled, that she does not actually eat the things, but just puts them to her lips. This is a fine detail I wish I had noticed previously. Perhaps it would've clued me into the decidedly UN snackable quality of the things. Yuck.
This will not end my thieving days by any means. But, it has made me more selective in the items that I choose. For now, I am playing it safe by sticking to empty food containers and socks. It will be a while before I branch out again. Keyser Soze, I am not.
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