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Queen of everything

One week

July 20th 2007 1:51 pm
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This time last week she was still here with us. We had a long wait to say goodbye. I laid on the ground with he rand loved her, giving her kisses on the nose just so she would kiss me back.
I want to be ok, but I can't. I can't seem to let her go. I know that she was in pain and it was the best thing to do for her, but I hurt. I hurt for her pain, I hurt for not hearing her breathing next to us on the bed at night.
She is free from her pain.
We have been going to the spot where we had dinner with Gromit the night that Zoe died and I feel like she is there with us watching us.
Death is a funny thing, many of us are taught that there is a heaven or rainbow bridge. I don't know, but I want it to be so. I want to feel her fur brush against my leg, I wouldn't even mind cleaning up her slobber again.
I loved Sooke and Zoe more than air. I love them so much that my heart breaks more for them everyday.
I love Gromit and now he is our focus. He is not second rate or a replacement, he is himself. But, there can only be on Sooke and one Zoe and to lose the two of them in six months is more than I wanted to shoulder.
I feel like ranting and raving and crying. What good is it? She only lives in my heart. The crying will not bring her back, it only makes my eyes hurt.

I have had so many people offer so much love and it helps more than they know. But I am still faced with this place in my heart where a living breathing little boxer baby used to be.
I don't want to quit living. I am just having a hard time getting restarted again. It comes and goes like rain. When there is a little bit, I can walk around in it and be fine, but when it comes down all at once I am paralyzed and can't move. I don't want to be removed from it. I know that I need to feel the pain, but dang does it hurt.
I wish I could do better, but I am just human.


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