Queen of everything

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One year ago...

July 13th 2008 6:45 pm
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It has been one year ago today since I last saw your beautiful face. I miss you so much. It has been a year of tears a year of pain and a year that brought relief. You and Sooke sent us Moxie and for the most part she has kept the tears from my eyes. She has the piss and vinegar that you had, so you would hate her.

I wish you were still here with us, rooing at night. You were here at the beach with us today. As we waited to see friends a boxer mix rooed and it filled our hearts to hear it. It also filled my eyes, when I realized today was a year since we last parted.

I hope you know that we love you so much. I still feel so bad about losing you the way that we did. I hate cancer.

Zoe please kiss Sooke for me and tell him that I miss him too. I always thought I loved Sooke the most, till you left. Now I know how much you became a part of our lives and how much of our hearts belong to you.

I have to go, it is too hard to type and cry. I miss you and love you so much little girl. Thanks for rooing for us today through that other dog.

 

Sympathy card

July 27th 2007 2:58 pm
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I have been doing so well on the healing with the loss of Zoe, even picking up her ashes was OK. Today, I got the sympathy card from the vet and the tears have started again and my life has stopped again. I loved my little girl so much and she was so strong and brave. Whenever we left the house we never worried about the safety of the house, our little girl was there to keep her pack safe. When we went somewhere with she and Gromit in the Jeep, I never worried about someone taking him, she would protect him.
All this time I thought that I was protecting her and keeping her safe. Now I think it was her keeping me safe. My 90 pound pack of dynamite!

She got to the point where she did not like the vet anymore and would try to bite them. They knew that she had been sweet, when she was younger, but they no longer had a good girl in their office. So in the card they said how stubborn or something like that she was, but how lucky she was to have us. Maybe so, maybe she was lucky to have us, but I feel so honored and privileged to have spent the last eight years with that little girl. She showed me how strong she could be after her surgeries and how loving she could be as well. She even kissed me on the floor as I laid with her as the life went out of her body.

She was so special. God I miss her. I know it has only been two weeks, but....... I don't know. It just hurts. Supposed to be strong, but I am weak compared to what she went through. Maybe she can help give me strength from the bridge. That is the real biter, Sooke and Zoe in six months. Two of the best dogs ever, gone. Boxes on the wall, that is all they are now. Thank god, I still have the memories and the pictures.

Sorry for ranting.

Through tears and straining eyes,
I love you Zoe.

 

One week

July 20th 2007 1:51 pm
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This time last week she was still here with us. We had a long wait to say goodbye. I laid on the ground with he rand loved her, giving her kisses on the nose just so she would kiss me back.
I want to be ok, but I can't. I can't seem to let her go. I know that she was in pain and it was the best thing to do for her, but I hurt. I hurt for her pain, I hurt for not hearing her breathing next to us on the bed at night.
She is free from her pain.
We have been going to the spot where we had dinner with Gromit the night that Zoe died and I feel like she is there with us watching us.
Death is a funny thing, many of us are taught that there is a heaven or rainbow bridge. I don't know, but I want it to be so. I want to feel her fur brush against my leg, I wouldn't even mind cleaning up her slobber again.
I loved Sooke and Zoe more than air. I love them so much that my heart breaks more for them everyday.
I love Gromit and now he is our focus. He is not second rate or a replacement, he is himself. But, there can only be on Sooke and one Zoe and to lose the two of them in six months is more than I wanted to shoulder.
I feel like ranting and raving and crying. What good is it? She only lives in my heart. The crying will not bring her back, it only makes my eyes hurt.

I have had so many people offer so much love and it helps more than they know. But I am still faced with this place in my heart where a living breathing little boxer baby used to be.
I don't want to quit living. I am just having a hard time getting restarted again. It comes and goes like rain. When there is a little bit, I can walk around in it and be fine, but when it comes down all at once I am paralyzed and can't move. I don't want to be removed from it. I know that I need to feel the pain, but dang does it hurt.
I wish I could do better, but I am just human.

 

Diary entry pick

July 17th 2007 9:39 am
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Wow, I go to the bridge and get DOTD and now the diary pick. My typist is very happy for me. He has had so many people say that the diary entries are so sad and hard to read. I know that is not a bad thing, it is just a way for you to see into my daddies soul. He loves me still and still is having a hard time typing trying to see through all of the tears.

Thanks again for all of the outpouring of love and I am hoping that dad will start to have more good days soon. He is kinda on the 80/20 cycle right now and the 20 isn't good.

Love you guys. My typist is going to try to work a full day today. His boss totally understands his pain.

 

Dog of the day

July 14th 2007 10:00 am
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I was on the phone last night with a Dogster friend when the news came through that Zoe was Dog of the day. I had not even had time to make an entry about how strong she was until the end or anything.
Time is a funny thing when you hurt, I don't really understand the concept right now. I know I am awake and that I have tons of thank you's to send and a puppy to love and things like that but........ time is standing still again. When Sooke died our lives stopped and it seems that Zoe's heart broke as well. Our hearts are broken as well. We have each other and Gromit, but our hearts have a hole. Not that we do not love or have lost the love for Zoe, that is impossible. We simply have a hole that will be filled in with time. I remember the whole as it filled in when Sooke died. Time slowly came back and things that were forgotten had to be fixed, bills paid, work, things like that.
The dog of the day would be better if she had pulled people from a burning building or learned to talk. I love that people can now see how much love there is for a silly slope nosed girl. I love that I can share the day with Clover, the dog of the week. She is so sweet and such a pretty girl.

Thank you thank you thank you For all of the stars, rosettes, pprs and p-mails. I will try and thank you all. If I miss anyone it is only due to the volume that I have to respond to and it is not intentional.

I am going in waves of happiness for her lack of pain, sadness for her loss and remorse for having to face the demon of a decision to lose my girl to spare her suffering. Dogster and the people who are pouring out love to me and my family are really helping with the hurt and the pain. As I retell her story it hurts, but I need to hurt to recover the hole in my heart.

 

I am at the bridge now

July 13th 2007 7:23 pm
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I was a trooper all the way to the end. Daddy took the top of his Jeep for me, put on his favorite KPIG tunes and I even tried to surf to the vet.
When it came time for the sedative prior to the injection, she would not even go to sleep, then she took well over a minute to go. She was a strong old girl to the end.
Thanks for my wings, stars, rosettes and bones.
I am taken by all the love that has been given to me. My daddy is so much in shock that he seems ok. Still trying out these wings, keep bumping into things and other pups.
No more pain for me. I am worried about pops though, he cries like a big baby. I tried to be strong for him. Now it is Gromit's turn. I pass the torch to you little man. You are now the head pup in the household. It is an honor and a privilege, use it wisely.
I must go for now, trying to chase cats. I have a chance at catching one now. Don't know what I will do when I catch it........ Get back to you later on that one.

Daddy here... Jen just fed the little man and we are going to put on sweatshirts and just kinda drive up Westcliff drive and up to Davenport, then see if we feel like being at home.
I love you guys, you are the best.
To my wingmaker, you know what I owe you. I guess now it is a his and hers model. HA
I have been trying to thank each person as my vision clears and I have a moment of clarity.
Sammy J gotta tell you man, I am now your official wingwoman/ man thingy. I am here to keep you strong man.

 

we are off

July 13th 2007 5:12 pm
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We are off to the vet. Thanks for the love

 

The last page

July 13th 2007 12:21 pm
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I never wanted it to end like this. A dog crying in pain. We have made the decision to take her in tonight and have her go to the bridge. I can't have her feel any better and she has more going on than just the cancer.
Her pain is more than I can bear. To have a strong girl like her cry and cry and cry in pain the way that she is can't continue.
I hope that my god will understand that what I am about to do is for the love of my dog. Daisey Mae said that what I am about to do is for love. Love is not final, it is never ending. Just because she will leave us in body tonight does not mean that she leaves my heart.
So I have some preparations to make. I need to go take the top off the Jeep and take out the back seat and have the wind go through her hair for the last time. I know that she would like it that way. I hope that Sooke will be in the wind with us for the trip there as he died on that same road that we are about to travel.

Thank you for the stars and the love that has been directed at us, we all thank you.
god/ dog bless you all.

I am so sorry Zoe, I wish I could have a better chapter to write for you. But I leave you with all that I came in with and you and I will go out with.
I love you.

 

It was not a nightmare

July 13th 2007 7:09 am
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I stayed up as late as I could and woke up this morning to find that this was not an awful dream. Zoe is still here and I still have to pick the day for her to die. I am not a little man and yet right now I feel so small and helpless, like I am a little boy who wants to hide and have it all just go away.
I remember her as my zoom, zoom Zoe, but there is no zoom, just Zoe.

I took her out at midnight and she had a second round of blood in her poo, so we will cal the vet this morning and see if that was from the surgery yesterday or we are farther along than we had ever known. Not that it really matters right now.

I have gotten stars and e-mail and p-mails from people that I love and care for so much and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You understand that I don't really make sense right now and that things change minute by minute in head.

We are at both ends of the spectrum right now. A terminally ill little old lady and a pup that pooped on the floor because the doggie door was shut.

 

the vet said the C word

July 12th 2007 8:20 pm
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Well we found out what was wrong. After all this time of waiting and wondering, Zoe has no leg bone left, the cancer has eaten it away. The only thing holding her leg together is the pins from her TPLO. Amputation and Chemo would be a huge longshot that I can't afford to take. I was hoping to never have to make this decision with her, but here were are. I love her and I want her to be with us, but at what cost to her?
How do you pick a day for your dog to die? How do you look them in the eye and see the mind still active, but the body gone? I never wanted to make this decision. I don't want to play god, even though in her eyes, I kinda am her god. I don't want to have her die yet. But, she has no leg and little hope for the chemo to work. We will have pretty much all of the results in next week, but I can't have her in pain forever.
We start her on Morphine tonight to make the pain go away for now.

I don't know what else to write........................

 
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