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Material Girl

Thievery and Stealth

The watchwords of my favorite breed. It seems the dogs have gotten together and developed a new set of rules and failed (yet again) to inform me.

They seem to go something like this:

Dogs must be touching humans AT ALL TIMES. But not, under any circumstances, TOUCH EACH OTHER. If said touching occurs then dogs must immediately bare teeth and try to tear flesh off the other animal. This usually only results in fluff being pulled off.* **
*-This rule only exists if the dogs are NOT on the bed. Butts can touch on the bed but not paws. And definitely not heads.
**-This rule no longer exists if the dogs are laying on the dining room rug and sleeping so soundly that they roll next to each other and almost look like they are snuggling. Humans should definitely NOT take pictures of this occurrence with which to embarrass dogs later.

Dogs must figure out where the human has hidden the huge yummy cow femur they got for Christmas, retrieve it soundlessly in the middle of the night from the top of the dresser, bottom of the closet, or top of the TV and proceed to bang it repeatedly on the hardwood floor at 3 a.m. causing all of the other dogs in the house to bark. And scratching the floor in the process. *
*-You think the vacuum is bad fluff monster eater? Wait until I go after your asses with an industrial sander.

Dogs must pretend to act as wolf-like as possible. This includes all sorts of interesting alpha like behavior up to and including attempted murder on small neighborhood vermin such as squirrels, rabbits, fluffy kittens and the neighbors tea cup Yorkie (dude, your girlfriend picked out that dog for you-I'm going with the girl theory because it's wearing a fluffy pink feather boa around it's neck, yet you say with pride "Killer is quite the little watch dog" Get some dignity man. And for god's sake-get a real dog) Please dogs, by all means, make it difficult for me to look into the new neighbors eyes and pretend that I'm not lying when I say emphatically that you are not a wolf-hybrid but pure Siberian Husky. Because really, some days I'm just not sure anymore.

I know your watchwords are Thievery and Stealth. Hell, I made the mistake of NAMING YOU STELLA. And silly me thought that Blue at 95 lbs and 5 1/2 feet long might make, you know, a little noise or something when you were GETTING STUFF OFF THE TOP OF THE FRIDGE!!! AGAIN!! I know it was owner error to leave the food underneath the kitchen sink with a childproof lock on it. But really? Must you add insult to injury and MOCK me by coming up and sitting next to me on the couch and loudly BELCH in my face under the guise of giving me kisses? Hey, Liver breath...you just gave yourselves away. Thankfully it was only a couple of cups of kibble and not half a 50lb bag like last time. And it wasn't even close to your dinner time.

Let's discuss the tearing apart of the down comforter shall we? I was IN THE NEXT ROOM! How can you create so much damage so nosielessly. The Army should study you two. Really. And lets not even discuss what you did to the couch.

In fact I've found the perfect place to send you the next time you're bad. The Danish Special Forces. They accept conscripting of very very bad huskies for long sled trips in Greenland or someplace.