legal beagle

dear diaries,

mommy started law school in septembers, and i am not sure that i likes it. all she does EVER is look in her books. i try to remind her that she really should be looking into my soft brown eyes. i have developed many strategies, which i will list here:


nudge the hand
mommy is always writing things, but she can't write if my head is in the way. i find that positionings my head beneath her hand is a useful way to get an ear scratch and disrupt the highlighters.

eat the highlighters
they aren't very yummy, but occasionally i do chew on the end of mommy's pens in retribution. i thinks purple is my favorite.

scootch, scootch and lick
gradual encroachment upon mommy's books looks decidedly cute and is clearly the most effective measure to enforce my no-studying policy. i simply crawl up close to mommy's lap and rest my head gently against the side of the books. then i sigh and move my paw onto the pages. then i shuffles up until my chin is actually resting in the middle of the text. if mommy still pretends not to notice me, i lick her hands while she's taking notes. usually, this makes her giggle and scratch my belly. ozzies LOVE belly scratches!

butting up against troubles
when all else fails, i walk right up to mommy's books and SIT ON THEM. it shows those darned books who's the boss, and mommy has to look at me and not all the stinky words. this is a very direct approach and usually makes my mommy kinda angry, but sometimes a dog has to take drastic measures to get a little lovin'. not that moms doesn't procrastinate with me every second that she gets ...


that has been my life, latelies. the good news is, mommy and i don't live alone, anymores. we rented a bedroom so we could keep our home, and now i have two new friends living with me: sandy and darien. darien is the bestest. he feeds me all sorts of tasty foods whenever i ask, and he jumps with me and runs with me and stays up all night. mommy says that all that playing has made me skinny like a puppy again. sandy is nice too, but she is a clean person and won't let me lick her face. i don't know whys! at least she gives good belly rubs, though.

so anyway, i get more walks and i get lots of love, but i miss my mommy! law school lasts for 21 doggy years, so she had better quit studying before i'm an old man. otherwise, hm. i just might eats her homework, like they say!

doggy tag!

baxter bojangles, i officially blames this on YOU!


Here are the rules:
Each player starts with seven random facts about themselves. Dogs who are tagged need to post in their Diary the rules & their 7 pawsome facts. Then choose 7 dogs to tag and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment that they have been tagged and to read your blog!


1. you know that silky feeling you like when you pet my head? i only have it when mommy hasn't given me the baths. i feel like a wooly mammoth when i am cleans.

2. deep down inside, i can be nice to cats, if i haves to.

3. i only haves to be nice to cats if they can beat me up.

4. sometimes i like to poke things with my nose, just to see what happens. and sometimes, when i poke doors with my nose, i get stuck in rooms all alone. and when mommy finally finds me and lets me out, i hang my head and wag my tail like a sad charlie chaplins.

5. if i'm not pattering around the house, you should check on your lunch!

6. if mommy leaves the house for more then ten hours, sometimes i sneak into the pantry and get dinners for myself!

7. my favorite place to sleep is right behind mommy's knees, when she curls up in a ball.



okay, not that any of you have to do this, but i am goings to tag:
princess titania
deedee
bella
benny
sir winston churchill wurchill
gussie finknottle
and paisley

dog survey

i haves too much time waiting for mommy to come home from work!



What’s your name?
ozzie, king of the fuzz

How did you get your name?
my foster mommy gave it to me befores i was adopted

What’s your owner’s name?
mommy. (sometimes people call her maisha, too.)

What breed are you?
the kind that bites squirrels

How much did you cost?
a $250 adoption fee, and a handful of kibble

What’s your favorite toy?
my bouncy red devil toy. he goes SPROING, SPROING! and i try to get him and he gets away and it's fun!

Tap water or bottled water?
pet fountain, thank yous very much

Do you walk or are you carried?
are you kidding me? mommy can't chase the kitty cats half as fast as i can. i walk!

How many pounds will you weigh full grown?
that depends ... can i eat lots of tasties?

Are you overweight?
maybe just a smidge but that is only because there are so many good things to eat ... trash cans, pillows, french fries ...

Do you wear clothes?
i eat clothes

Do you have long or short hair?
short

Are you double-coated?
um, during the winters when it is cold sometimes mommy puts a coat over my fur. does that count?

Indoor or outdoor?
if i could move the sofa outside i would never haves to think about that question again!

Do you sleep with your mommy or in your own bed?
with mommy or she would be lonely

Do you chase cats or get along with them?
chase howl KILL

How old are you in people years?
um, probably about 28

Do you get your teeth brushed?
if there is tasty toothpaste on the brush and i can eat the brush

What color is your collar?
red with flames on it

Do you wear a choker on walks?
no i stick with my harness

Have you ever gotten lost?
no, but my mommy tries to go the wrong way every day

Do you like to swim?
what, you mean like take a bath voluntarily? HECK NOES!

Are you fixed?
yeah ... but i am still good with the ladies!

What color are your eyes?
brown

What color is your coat?
brown black and white

What color is the pigment in your skin?
pink with brown spots 'cause i'm cool like that!

Do you get groomed?
pfff, i'm a beagle. beagles don't get groomed!

Are you potty trained?
but of course; it is important to be a gentlemans.

How much do you bark?
never ever ever, unless there is a squirrel or mommy is howling

What are your thoughts on the vet?
please do not put that thermometer in my heinie again. ... i will take another treat, though!

Have you ever bitten a human?
i nip when i play, but i have never broken skin

Do you like the bath or hate it?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH OH GOD YOU SAID THE B- WORD!!!

Are you friendly with other dogs?
as long as they don't try to hump me. i do not likes to be molested

Does your mommy have a carrying bag for you?
you see, here we have that essential problem with the cat-chasing, again. if i were in a bag, would i be able to catch a cat? no, i do not think so. so would mommy ever convince me to sit in a bag? BWAHAHA, NEVAR!

Can you do any doggy sports?
i can perform the 30-second kibble scarf and the marathon sniff

How cute are you from 1 to 10?
five billion four hundred and twenty two

watch what you eats

dear friendses,

by now probably all of yous know that all sorts of food is making doggies and kitties sick! so make sure your mommies and daddies are careful about what you eats. here is a list of recalled dog foods and here is a list of recalled cat foods from a menu foods press release. make sure your dinner isn't on the list!

okay, i am going to go chew on the trash can, now. bye bye!

pee now or die!

mommy and i have a new game now that the weathers is getting cold here in philadelphia. it is called "pee now or die." we run run run runrunrunrun outside real fasts, and then i start sniffing the ground for a good place to pee. i get super big lovies if i can find a spot real fast, and then we run run run runrunrunrun back inside as fast as we can! sometimes, though, i get a little distracteds by the good smells of nature. there are mouse trails and puppy puddles, all sorts of things to keep my nose entertained! sometimes i get so involved with the sniffing, i forget that my main objectives is to pee. so mommy storms toward me with stiff legs and her godzilla voice and goes:

"GWARGH, OZZIE, PEE NOW OR DIE!!!!"

then i run run run run runrunrunrun really fast and find another spot to go. hehe! it is kind of sillies. the neighbors look at mommy funny, but i know she is just playing with me and not really being violent.

speaking of violence, the snowyman must have tried to pounce on a doggy and been taught a lesson, because he is now decapitateds and face down in the slush. i tried to warn him to stay back! such a sad, sad story. i licked his tummy to tell him i am sorries.

fun with frosties

dear diary,

today was frozen solid. even the snow felt colder than usuals. i found a mouse on the ground who was so chillies, he did not even realize i was hunting hims until i snuffed him with my nose. then boy oh boy, did he run fast! i went ROO and tried to chase, but mommy said i wasn't allowed to eat mouses on a work day. it was super excitings, though.

i also met a monster. we were walking in the grass where we normally walk (only there was no grasses, there was only icy snow), when all of a sudden i SAW it. it was HUGE, and WHITE, and SHINY and MEAN-LOOKING. i froze right in my tracks! what could it be? it had a round belly, and a round chest, and a round head, and stick-looking arms, and beady black eyes. the scary monster thing even had a big old smile on its face, like it was going to eats me! so i did what beagles do. i slunk forward a few steps and went ROOoooOOOooOOoooOOO!!!

you know what happened, then? mommy laughed at me! she said, "oh, ozzie, it's only a snowman! you silly munchkin!" okay, so what is a snowyman? i had never seen a snowyman before and i did not trust it, but mommy went up and put her hand on its head, so i guess snowymen are safe. then i walked up and gave it a careful sniff (you can never be sure when snowymen are going to pounce), and guess what? it was made out of TREATS!!! those beady black eyes and that mean looking smile were actually chocolates! i gobbled those right up. then mommy did get scared, and she spanked my bum and told me not to eat snowymen because they're our friends. that doesn't make any sense. if my friend were made out of treats, i'd eat him, too!

anyway, between the mouses and the snowymen, it's been a pretty exciting day.

famousness!

yay! i get to be in the newspaper, again! well, just a cartoon of me that mommy made, but still! yay!

i wonder if people will see me and send treats ...

philadogs, check out page b2 of the inquirer on dec. 22!

OH NOES!!!

to my dear lady the most glorious and wonderful princess titania,

can i come lick your tummy and make you feel better? i am so sorries! gastric torsion sounds like it does not taste very goods, and surgery sounds even nastier than a bath! i do not know what i would do if my tummy hurt so bad. a tummy is the most important part of lifes! it is a good thing you have a smart mommy and a smart daddy to help take cares of you. my mommy says they know lots and lots about medicine and healing, so just snuggle with them lots and they will make you feel better, okay? and, um, i will send you lots of lovies from here in philadelphia until i can come take care of you, myself. HANG IN THERE! you only have a couple of weeks to wait.

i, ozzie the beagle, do hereby solemnly swear to ingest all foods for you that you cannot eats yourself. i will give you many many kisses and sniff the hurting places to make sure they are getting betters. and my mommy says she can not wait to pet you and give you kisses and sit by your bed and pet your head. (she says i might have to be understanding and not jealous. i will tries!)

anyway, live it up, okays? see if you can get into california mommy and daddy's bed! maybe if you starts now, they will let you do it forevers.

and all my doggy friends who are reading this, cross your paws for the beautiful lady princess titania!


p.s. -- chicken and rice taste really good. i know, 'cause my mommy and i had chicken and rice twice this week! it was super yummy. i even got my own doggy bowl full! how cool, huh? um. get better, tania!

p.p.s. -- PLEASE get better, tania! (lick, lick, lick, lick, lick)

watching what i eats

dear california mommy,

i would likes to report that the fat and calories book you sent is very good for eating. additional fiber is key to a good diets, and i am very fiberful right nows. unfortunately, erm, pennsylvania mommy says i have to control my munchies, and she took the splendiferous snack away. i am most distraught. first i cannot steal the peanut butters, next i am banned from the toilet papers, now i cannot eat the eating book. i leave you with one mournful query:

HOW IS A POOR DOG SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE???

diets stink. i think i am goings to go pout in a corner, now.

shapooty.

trick of the tail

a lot of strangers look at me and say "ozzie looks the same, all the time. he looks kind of scared!" well, just so you know, that is because i do not keeps my smile on my face. if you want to see my smile, you have to looks at my tail. if my tail is curled up and wagging, i am happies!

here is a list of things other things that i say with my tails:

scareds
when other doggies make me nervous, my tail gets all stiff. it points straight up like a sword, and sometimes it twitches a little bits.

huntings
when i know the squirrels are out there, my tail points flat out from my behind like a straight line, or a pointer. i do this to maintain my delicate balance and stealthiness.

poop
when i really, really have to go, my tail curves backward, like a sad face.

shy
when i meet new peoples, especially big peoples and men, i keep my tail between my legs. (it is to protect my weiner. you must protect the weiner at all costs.)

comfies
at the end of the day, when i am chilling with moms on the sofa, sometimes my tail goes thump thump thumps, all on its own. it's real slow and lazy, all relaxed, just like me.