AhhhRoooOoOOoOOOOOooOOoo!

(Page 9 of 16: Viewing Diary Entry 81 to 90)  
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Lap Dogs

October 16th 2008 11:55 am
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What do you mean I am not a lap dog?

I am a dog, correct?

And I am currently residing in your lap, correct?

Ergo – LAP DOG.

I am very comfortable too.

What?

You aren’t comfortable?

You have a bony greyhound elbow in your ribs?

Well pardon me, but surely it is worth a little discomfort for the honor of being sat upon by me.

No?

Well could you at least carry me around in a purse? Some dogs get carried everywhere in fashionable purses. I’d like that. I get tired.

WHAT?!

Well your remarking on my weight was unnecessary and insulting. I am only a few pounds over my racing weight.

Okay, quite a few pounds over my racing weight.

How about we talk about YOUR WEIGHT.

No?

I thought not.

Now about that purse…

Love,
Coffee

 

Coffee in Love

October 12th 2008 5:36 pm
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Oh mom, I looooove this man. Finally you bring home a date I approve
of. He is so wonderful. I just want to snuggle with him and get ear
scritches, he is the bestest ever and I will follow him everywhere
and…
He’s not a date?
He’s the landscaping guy?
Oh.
He’s just here to flush out and winterize the sprinkler system?
Oh.
You’re sure he isn’t here to see me?
Okay.
Well, can we keep him anyway? I love him very very much.
No? Why not?
He’s married? With kids? AND HE HAS HIS OWN DOG EVEN!?!?
But he loves me more, I just know it.
And he gives excellent ear scritches.
What?
I’m embarrassing you?
I’m pretty sure he wanted to rub my belly. Obviously I had to sprawl
at his feet so he could.
I’m in the way?
Surely not.
I loooooooove him…
Please can I keep him please? O please?

 

Communication Problems Part XVIII

October 3rd 2008 8:18 am
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OoooOOOOOoOOOoOOoohh… My tummy doesn’t feel so good. In fact, I think I’m going to… *wheeze* .. I think I’m going to… *Whazzzee-hack*

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Moooom! Why are you holding a bucket under my chin? I’m going to barf! Move the bucket! I barf on the carpet! That’s what I always do! I’m not going to mess up a perfectly good bucket! Get out of the way!

*feint left*

*feint right*

Made it! Carpet!

BBbbBbBbbbbbbbaaaAAaaAaarrrrrrfFFffffFffBLAHBLAHB elch!

That’s better. Now my tummy is feeling not so queasy. What was going on with that bucket? That bucket was in the way and I had to make evasive maneuvers. Sometimes I just don’t know what you are thinking.

Love,
Coffee

 

Philosophy... BuuuUUuuUrrrrrrrRRrPppPppp...

September 28th 2008 3:14 pm
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Life is short. You always gotta stop to chomper the roses.

What?

I said it wrong? Stop to … smell the roses?

Well, smelling the roses is nice, but eating them is better. Don’t you think? Living life to the fullest and all.

Fine. FINE.

Always stop to SMELL THE ROSES and don’t DARE eat one or your mom will TOTALLY freak out and worry about thorns and bees and poison and indigestion and angry neighbors and destruction of public property and the sky falling and the four horsemen and the now inevitable apocalypse... So Nevermind! Just leave the darn roses alone unless you are nowhere near mom.

Stupid roses.

Love,
Coffee

 

The Anti-Matchmaker

September 23rd 2008 7:07 pm
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Bye Bye Scott. Mom liked you but I don't think we'll be seeing you again.

All because I wiped my nose on your pants and sneezed in your beer.
You seem to have an aversion to boogers.

I can’t figure out why.

Love,
Coffee

 

More Life Lessons

September 17th 2008 4:35 pm
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If you want mom to play with you, then running up to her, throwing a stuffie in her face and knocking her glasses off and having them fall on the floor and break is not the way to do it.

Apparently.

Love,
Coffee

 

Mysteries of the Canine Brain

September 12th 2008 6:59 am
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Ooooh! What are you eating? Is that a banana? It smells so good! Can I have a bite? I know I’m not allowed to beg, but I will just stand here at a respectful distance and look at you with big, sad, hungry brown eyes. Please? Just a little nibble?

Look. I’m sitting. You like it when I sit. I earn my treats. I am sitting very nicely. How about down. I am in the down position. See what a good girl I am? I deserve a bite of banana.

Yippee! A banana piece! Mine mine mine! Yummy! This is great! I’ll take it over here to the rug where I can savor it.

Actually… it’s kinda squishy. And yellowish. And not very good after all. It would be better with peanut butter or something.

Bleck. Ptooey!

Sorry about the rug.

Now I’m going to sit here next to the blob of banana moosh and look at you sadly. It’s your fault the banana wasn’t as good as I thought.

What a disappointment. Sooo sad now.

Hey? What are you doing now? Eating the rest of the banana?

Maybe that part is better.

Can I have a bite? Look! I’m sitting! I deserve a nibble at least!

Love,
Coffee

 

Snooter injury

September 8th 2008 4:03 pm
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I wanted to play! So I picked up my Mr. Moose stuffie and threeeeew it in the air!
I play bowed to mom!
Then I picked up my Mr. Froggy stuffie and threeeeew it in the air! Then I wagged my helicopter tail!
Then I picked up my Loofah dog and threeeeew it in the air!
Then I play bowed to the TV!
Then I picked up my Fuzzy Pink Purse stuffie and threeeeeew it in the air!
Then I turned in circles and circles and circles and circles!
Then I ran to mom and gave her a big smile and she said “Coffee, are you being a crazy dog?!”

YES! I Roo’d at her! I am definitely a crazy dog!!

Then I got a little too excited and might have made a mistake.

I tried to pick up my dog bed and throw it in the air.

It was too heavy.

I think I sprained my tongue. Maybe my nose.

I think I’ll take a nap now. It is tiring to be so being crazy.

Love,
Coffee

 

Poop Bag Issues Jr.

September 4th 2008 9:47 am
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With a nod to my pal Ella (http://www.dogster.com/dogs/710533) my mom had a poop bag issue today too. It was kinda the opposite of Ella's mom's problem though.

My mom finds poop bags everywhere. In her purse, in her pockets, in her car, in her jacket, in her washing machine (VERY clean poop bags!), in random drawers at home, in her wallet, etc. We are never unprepared!

But today she was at work and had to give a presentation. And what fell out of her file folder... that's right. One of my poop bags. Right on the conference table next to her boss.

She had to assure her boss that the presence of poop bag was in no way indicative of the content of her presentation.

Har Har!

Love,
Coffee

 

A Day in the Life of a Retired Racing Greyhound

August 28th 2008 3:14 pm
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- 1 morning stroll around the neighborhood with mom

- 1 giant poo

- 2 piddles

- 8 forty-five mile per hour zoomies around the back yard

- 1 pile of squirrel poo sniffed

- 1 antler torn off Mr. Moose

- 5 seconds of SIT

- 10 seconds of STAY

- .00006 seconds of chowing down on BREAKFAST!

- 3 mouthfuls of kibble carefully transported and sprinkled
about the living room rug (Coffee = Kibble Fairy)

- 1 early morning nap in the bedroom

- 3 crotches sniffed (all human)

- 4 butts sniffed (three human, one Rottweiler.)

- 15 gallons of snot and drool efficiently deposited on
mom’s pants leg via big sneeze

- 1 loud through-the-fence difference of opinion with the
beagle next door

- 1 mid morning nap in my crate after excessive nesting to
make sure the blankets are situated …jussstt… riiight

- 1 staring contest with a squirrel (I won)

- 1 failed attempt to swipe a bite of mom’s grilled cheese
sandwich for lunch

- 1 early afternoon nap in the office

- 14 trips to the dining room window to examine the
neighborhood activities

- 2 cats spotted

- 4 kids spotted

- 1 adult spotted

- 6 cars spotted

- 1 blowing plastic bag mistaken for a rabbit

- 1 mid afternoon nap in the family room

- 1 peanut butter Kong efficiently destuffed

- 1 tour around the house to make absolutely 100% certain
that mom left the premises while I was distracted by the Kong

- 3 stuffies relocated from the bedroom to the dining room

- 1 stuffie relocated from the living room to the office

- 1 Food Network show watched (Bobby Flay. I love grillin!)

- 1 nap on the dining room floor

- 1 Kong (empty) relocated from the dining room to the
hallway

- 425,369,126.3 tail wags when mom gets home

- 1 late afternoon nap in the bedroom

- 1 patrol of backyard perimeter on the lookout for critters

- 3 zoomies done just to rile up the bark-y Labradors next
door

- 2 poos

- 4 piddles

- 15 agonizing minutes watching mom eat dinner while I wait
for her to finish and get to MY dinner

- 3 excruciating minutes waiting for mom to prepare my dinner

- 11 unbearable seconds of SIT

- 18 horrible never ending seconds of STAY

- .025 blissful seconds of chowing down on my DINNER!

- 34 seconds spent licking the empty bowl

- 1 giant burp right in mom’s face to let her know I love
her very much

- 1 early evening nap in the family room while mom watches
something called a “political convention” (I think it must be a show
about foghorns or something)

- 1 stroll to the mailbox with mom to get the mail (Nothing
for me. Bills for mom.)

- 1 last patrol around the yard before bedtime

- 1 piddle before bedtime

- 1 moth gobbled

- 1 partially digested moth hacked up on the carpet

- 1 Bedtime ZZzzZZZZZzZZzZZzz


Love,
Coffee
Bad at racing. Greyt at Retirement.

 
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