AhhhRoooOoOOoOOOOOooOOoo!

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Malcolm MacGreygor - In Loving Memory

July 15th 2009 8:32 am
[ Leave A Comment | 1 person already has ]

My pal Malcolm went to the Bridge yesterday. Cancer came and took him away from his mama so fast. All the mamas eyes are leaking and leaking. We know he is in a happier place with no pain and no medicine.... but we are selfish and wanted him to stay longer with us here.

Malcolm was the bestest greyhound ambassadog, and he was the one who introduced me to Dogster and got me to join up. At greyhound Meet and Greets he always knew who needed snuggles and how to be gentle with children. He was a dignified and royal hound at the Colorado Renaissance Faire every year.

The world is truly a sadder place now.

Please visit his page and leave a pawmail or rosette or gift for his suffering mama.

http://www.dogster.com/dogs/441307

Love,
Coffee

 

Is there an attorney in the house?

July 6th 2009 12:13 pm
[ Leave A Comment | 8 people already have ]

Today mom found a partially eaten dead bird in the back yard. Just the feathers, wings and beak were left. After a lot of (completely unnecessary) shrieking and hollering, she scooped it up (without vomiting) and threw it away.

I have not had my day in court, and the evidence is circumstantial, yet she has convicted me of this crime anyway.

It is a travesty of justice.

Innocent until proven guilty.

I demand my rights!

I have not yet begun to fight!

E pluribus Unum!

Give me liberty or give me a hamburger!

Hound unite!

Love,
Coffee
I DIDN'T DO IT YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING

 

GREYHOUND 2.0 USER MANUAL

June 29th 2009 1:23 pm
[ Leave A Comment | 2 people already have ]

GREYHOUND 2.0 USER MANUAL

System Specifications
• Available in a variety of colors and sizes
• More silent operation than other DOG models
• User Friendly
• Ergonomic
• Portable
• Highly accurate Dual Video
• Efficient energy usage using INPUT Port and OUTPUT port. (Required hardware – POOP_BAG.sys)
• Automatically reverts to Energy Saving Standby Mode when not in use
• WALK, RUN, and ADVANCED NAP features.
• Manufactured by BROODMAMA (Makers of Many DOGs)

Transportation
• Failure to properly transport a DOG unit may result in loss or damage to the unit and serious injury to the user.

Installation Procedures
• If the user already has a DOG unit successfully installed in the HOME port, it may be possible to download BASIC routines from the old unit to the new unit. For the first day or two, DOG will stay in self-learning mode. When the learn buffer overflows, the DOG will autorun the sleep() routine. This is normal. The ROAM chips will write the new information to permanent memory. After 72 hours, the DOG will be interacting with the operating environment.
• If all basic environment requirements are satisfied, the DOG system will autodisplay HAPPYTAIL. This is normal. If environment requirements are not satisfied, the system may emit a series of prolonged high decibel whines.
• DOG units are operational in all 3-D axis: 45 mph, eating, or asleep mode. The Greyhound 2.0 operates best in sleep mode.
• The unit may be placed in direct sunlight for short periods of time. Do not exceed 85 F without the WATERBOWL app..
• A new DOG should not solo exit the primary site facility. The advantages are cleaner operation, longer unit life, and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate DOG units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with virus infected DOGs may lead to bug infestation. If allowed to exit, some DOG units may try to port across heavy data traffic. Nonrecoverable fatal errors may occur. However, DOG units can autosearch independently if yard has installed a FENCE program.
• If you decide to let your DOG out, it should have a TAG_COLLAR.TXT file with a system address and URL which identifies the host site and system administrator.
• Your DOG should have a system name. The name may need to be initialized repeatedly until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Advanced system operators have successfully installed dozens of voice commands.
• You can also get the DOG's attention by booting the system. While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will abuse or damage the system.

Applications
In contrast to CAT units, there are many productivity applications for DOGs. Units are installed in home, home office, industrial, and farm settings. DOGs have even been sent into space.
• GUARD: The DOG unit will auto-deploy BARK and BYTE routines. If three or more K9 units are activated, an unwanted, endless BARK feedback loop may occur. This is not available for the Greyhound 2.0 operating system as the Greyhound model overwrites all GUARD applications with NAP applications. If you are interested in GUARD applications, you may want to purchase a GERMAN_SHEPHERD system instead.
• SEARCH: K9 units can search/find random data to find hits. Searches frequently obtain important data such as SQUIRREL.DOC, RABBIT.EXL or CAT.TXT.
• SORT: The K9 can use SORT and GUARD to regulate FAMILY units. BORDER_COLLIE can SORT and GUARD SHEEP units.
• RUN: DOG units, especially the Greyhound 2.0 perform optimally in RUN mode. This is upgraded to DAAAAAARNFAST on all Greyhound 2.0 models.

Many owners use their system for game playing. DOGs play best when they are young. Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some DOG games are:
• CACHE: The DOG will CACHE a data object.
• JUMP: Move the data object through the air. The DOG unit will reach new heights of operation. This can be terminated with the voice command DOWN. Best used with RETRIEVER operating systems.
• MIRROR: Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.
• CHASE: Played between two DOG units or with a CAT unit. Units take turns as one is the data object and the other attempts to CACHE it.
• ROO: Offer audio data to elicit a range of audio output. Exclusive to Greyhound 2.0 models.

Maintenance
• DOGs will self-recharge. For the Greyhound 2.0 model this takes 19 hours in a 24 hour cycle.
• DOGs require little user maintenance. Do not clean the unit with alcohol.
• Your DOG unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive Technician) for a system checkup.
• Do not attempt to open a DOG. There are no user serviceable parts inside. If a unit emits strange smells, sounds or evacuates data via the input port, it should be serviced immediately by a VET.
• You may examine the rear of the DOG unit to determine if it has a male or female port. DOGs with a male port may result in unwanted copies. VET can remove this optional item. DOGs with female ports are plagued by periodic heating problems. VET can fix this permanently by removing an internal part. Such systems run UNIX.

Warning Notices
• DOG systems are user-friendly. However, in certain documented situations, a DOG may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or obstruction of Input or Output ports may lead to deployment of auto-defense systems. Do not pull its "tail." DOG may BYTE.
• Never attempt a first strike on a DOG system. You can't outrun it. The VISEGRIP ™ byte device has an average seek rate (ASR) of 30 milliseconds. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the user (Note from our attorneys: The Supreme Court issued a ruling in End-User vs DOG that can be summed up under the legal principle "Every DOG is allowed one BYTE.")
• Never attempt to interface with the BATH application. This may lead to water damage for the end-user and HOME port.
Service Life
• As DOGs become older, the learn program will recognize all situations.
• If you properly care for your DOG, it will give you years of loyal service.
• Many users get a second unit. Most users don't need the extra capacity, but multiple units enable the ability to run complex games.

Documented Problems
• The Ctrl key on some DOG units is defective. This may lead to serious performance problems.
• Do not install a new CAT unit at a site which has an operational DOG unit. These systems are not compatible. The CAT unit may be permanently deleted.

System Features
• Models = Main frame (ex: GREAT_DANE), desktop (ex: GREYHOUND) laptop (ex: TERRIER) and handheld (CHIHUAHUA) models.
• Interface = Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness.
• Memory = Not much, but can be highly selective depending on nature of data.
• Expected Lifetime = 12-14 years.
• Weight = 60-85+ pounds without optional features or add ons.
• Speed = up to 45 miles per hour for short periods of time
• Color Graphics = Wide variety of solid or mixed colors.
• Sound Chip = 2 octaves, digital MIDI output through internal woofer speakers.
• Power Consumption = 3.5 cups protein daily depending on size of unit and energy output. Increased performance when used with TREATS.



(Note: the dog user manual idea came from another website. I shortened it and changed quite a bit to suit my own sense of humor and greyhounds, but felt it was appropriate to attribute the really funny concept. http://andreas.com/blog.html. Enjoy!)

 

Tales of a High Strung Hound Mama Part XVIII

June 19th 2009 10:57 am
[ Leave A Comment | 13 people already have ]

So, yesterday when mom was brushing me, she noticed that my back leg was all scraped up. And the scrapes had torn skin and had deep punctures so it was beyond the abilities of our little home first aid kit. I wasn’t whining, or limping or even bleeding. In fact, I had just done zoomies in the back yard despite the fact that I had definitely done the damage to myself at least a few hours ago! Maybe even days!

Mom drove me fast fast to Caring Hands Veterinary Hospital.

Although I love all the doctors and staff there and they definitely love me back, I still had to get knocked out and sewn shut. Dr Stacey was busy in surgery with another hurt puppy dog, but Dr Henry was available and got me fixed right up. I did lots of panting and shivering and crying. I hate anesthesia. It was so tough and it makes me so confused when I wake up. But I am a brave girl, and I got through it.

Mom… on the other hand… not so much.

While I was in surgery, she went to the store and stocked up on all kinds of goodies for me – ground beef, Frosty Paws, bananas, peanut butter… all the emergency supplies I might need for my convalescence. Then she went home and exacted her revenge on all the shrubbery in the back yard that could have attacked me. It was ugly. It was carnage. Now there are no sharp points on any of the greenery anywhere. I guess I’m lucky she didn’t just set it on fire, cover it in safety bumpers and encase me in bubble wrap.

When we got home, I just wanted to hang out in my crate, but mom was just sure I was thirsty. She put water bowls outside my crate and beside every bed just in case I forgot where my water bowl was. (Duh!) And she stayed in the same room with me to make sure I was okay. She even watched me breathe in case I forgot to and stopped.

She was all up in my business ALL NIGHT!

Please, woman, I am just trying to snooze after a tough day!!

Anyways… I am happy to report that I took all my pills this morning, had a nice firm poopie and am drinking lots of water. My pretty pink leg bandage even matches my pink pirate collar. The techs at Caring Hands know I like to be fashionable at all times and they even drew a pirate on my pink leg bandage! Best of all, mom seems to have herself under control. I am getting scritches and treats and have shown no interest in chewing or bothering my bandage.

Now I am going to relax today and enjoy my pain meds.

Love,
Coffee

P.S.
If any of you have advice on how to deal with a less than cool mom, let me know. Maybe there is a medication for her. Maybe I’ll get her some DAP.

 

Mom needs some serious retraining

May 31st 2009 8:57 am
[ Leave A Comment | 2 people already have ]

DOORBELL! Woohoo! Lets go get it! Who’s there!? Maybe it’s Aunt Kay or Aunt Naomi! Interesting people always show up after the doorbell rings. OOOOOh I love the doorbell… hey. Hey?

Why aren’t you getting up?

GO GET THE DOOR!

I’d do it but I don’t have thumbs.

What do you mean you aren’t presentable?!?!?

You’re in your pajamas?!?!

Who cares!

WE GOTTA SEE WHO’S AT THE DOOR!!!

There’s the doorbell AGAIN!!

Get-it-get-it-get-it-get-it-get-it-get-it-get-it- get-it-get-it-get-it!

AaAARRrRrrrgGGhHhhh!

Now they LEFT! I can’t believe it! They LEFT and I didn’t even get to see who it WAS!!

Oh Nooooo! This is unacceptable!

Love,
Coffee
Frustrated in Thornton

 

A difference of opinion. Again.

May 25th 2009 5:19 pm
[ Leave A Comment | 4 people already have ]

Mom was busy. Busy busy busy and not paying adequate attention to me. So I decided to do some redecorating. Now, mom likes her dirty clothes piled in the laundry basket. I disagree. I believe they look best strewn about the back yard.

Despite all my hard work mom did not approve. Especially since she didn’t discover my handiwork until after it had rained a bit.

Transported to the backyard were the following items:
1 pair pink underwear
1 white tank top
3 white socks
1 black platform sandal
1 Mr. Piggie stuffie with broken oinker

Mom seemed irritated at my efforts and promptly went out and picked up everything I had laboriously moved out there.

I’ll never understand her.

Love,
Coffee

 

Tactical error

May 5th 2009 9:22 pm
[ Leave A Comment | 6 people already have ]

If you are laying flat on the floor like a pancake and you are blocking the entire hallway and mom has to step over you to get from the office to the living room… whatever you do… don’t look up at her to see where she is going.

You will get kicked in the head.

Oh, mom will feel terrible about it and will give you extra scritches and belly rubs and even a treat or two… but still. Kicked in the head by my very own mom. Not nice.

Life is tough when you have a clumsy mom.

Love,
Coffee

 

Mom - Still Reality Challenged

April 28th 2009 12:49 pm
[ Leave A Comment | 1 person already has ]

Today we went shopping and mom was told by the nice lady at Muttz Pet Store that I was so well behaved and a great sidekick.

WHAT?!

I am not the sidekick. I am the Hero. She is MY sidekick. I am Batman, she is Robin. I am The Lone Ranger, she is Tonto. I am Yogi, she is BooBoo. I am Holmes, she is Watson.

She should have set that woman straight.

All she said was “Thank you.”

It was disgusting.

Love,
Coffee

 

New Greyhound Math: Bad + Bad = DONUT

April 16th 2009 12:19 pm
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Usually when I am a BAD GIRL nothing good happens. I get told “No” then ignored, which is terrible terrible. I learn not to do the bad thing again. Usually. Mom thought I had learned that I am not allowed to bum rush the front door when visitors come over. I was also supposed to know that I am not allowed to jump up on people. When I do this, I get no scritches or pets.

But today it was all different! I was napping quietly with mom and my grandparents when … the doorbell rang! Excitement! Visitors! I leapt up! I sprinted to the door! My tail was helicoptering and my ears were straight up! My uncle came in and I jumped up on him with all four paws! AND HE DROPPED HIS COFFEE AND KRISPY KREME DONUT ON THE FLOOR!

I got doused with cappuccino as I snarfed up two whole bites of donut before mom caught up with me and told me to “Leave It.”

That donut was soooo good. Mom is just sure it will give me tummy problems, but it would be worth it. I also had to get a bath, but it was worth that too.

It has been a great day!

Love,
Coffee

 

Whiney McWhinerton of Whineytown

April 9th 2009 8:25 pm
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Today was a bad day.

I didn’t get breakfast, and I had to go to the vet. I love Dr. Stacey and everybody at Caring Hands Vet, but this time I got a “dental.” Which in human language translates to knocked out and tortured with sharp instruments.

I had to get poked multiple times since I kept moving when they were putting the needle in my left front leg. Then it had to go in my right front leg. I kept a-wigglin’ so finally it had to go in my back paw. So now I got bald shaved parts on my pretty brindle fur. And I refused to take the pain pill, so I had to get an injection. Ptooey. No pills for me.

I am now on painkillers that are making me goofy. Mom says it might have messed with my “depth perception.” I don’t know what that means, but I fell off the porch, pottied on my very own foot and fell asleep with only my tail actually on the dog bed.

Luckily mom has been extra snuggly during my ordeal, and I got a special dinner of chicken, ground beef and rice. I didn’t get very much though, cause I’m still a little queasy. Apparently barfing is frowned upon. (Mom has lots of weird rules like that.) I’ve been wandering around the house whining pitifully to let mom know how tough I have it. She’s a sucker, so I am getting near constant belly rubs and scritches.

Still… if you hear your people talking about a “dental”… RUN. It’s even worse than a “bath.”

Love,
Coffee

 
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