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You say tomato...

August 26th 2008 8:14 am
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Yesterday I got to go visit my friend Paula. She is very nice, but
leads a sad, sorry life – she does not have a dog. How does she survive?! All she gots is a fish (I nicknamed him “Fried”) and a cat, who is not worthy of me remembering his name.

Anyhoo… She has a beautiful tomato plant in her yard.

Actually, it was just a tomato vine. I don’t know where the red,
ripe, juicy, delicious tomatoes went.


No idea.


Maybe the cat ate it.


Yes, it definitely was the cat.


Bad Kitty!



Run Away!

August 22nd 2008 7:43 am
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Lots of times in the mornings when mom getting ready for work, I
stand at the entrance to the bathroom and whine. Then she stick her
head out of the shower and say “Well what is it Coffee? Good morning
sweet girl!” And I ROO at her and wag my tail and smile. It a fun
game! Like Peek-a-Boo!

But this morning something terrible happen. A MONSTER in the shower
instead of mom. I do my usual whine and ROO from the bathroom
entrance... but instead of mom, a hideous beast come out of the
shower and say “Good Morning, Sweet Pea!”

I stare at it in stunned horror. What the heck is that thing?! The
creature gots a head of bubbles and a disgusting green face and it
dripping goo all over the floor. It so terrible!

Apparently it ate mom cause I don’t see her anywhere. I slink away
to hide in my crate until the monster go away. Too bad about mom,
but I gotta save myself from the shower beast.


Note from Coffee’s mom: It was just a mud mask and shampoo suds. I
didn’t look that bad. Really. I’ve never seen a dog look quite so
appalled, though. She hid in her crate for a good half hour and didn't emerge until I picked up my purse to leave for work.


Ways to Confuse Mom, Edition 47 Chapter 83 Subsection a.

August 13th 2008 7:42 pm
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Leave one piece of kibble in your bowl. Just one. Do as usual and lick your bowl clean and eat every last molecule of food except that one kibble.

Mom will be confounded. She stand over the food bowl and stare at the kibble. She pick it up to see if something wrong with the kibble. She put it back down and stare at it some more. She finally throw the kibble away, only to have you leave one piece of kibble after the next meal.

Har Har Har Har! Do this for several meals in a row and mom be totally confused. Only leave one kibble though. Leaving too many might get you a visit to the vet.

It always good to keep mom on her toes.



Coffee the Colorado Cowdog

August 11th 2008 12:24 pm
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This weekend I got to go to a farm. I never been to a farm before
and I put together a survival guide in case any of my pals go to one.

Horse – looks at you like you an idiot if you play bow to him. Snobby.

Chicken – Ferocious dog eating predator who will chase you around the
yard till you go hide behind mom. Makes lots of ominous clucking
noise and spits Feathers of Death. AVOID AT ALL COSTS.

Sheep – play bow to any of them and they run away in terror.
Apparently not very smart and need lots of herding.

Duck – fun to chase, but then he go run into the pond where I can’t
chase him. No matter how much I whine at him to come over here so I can chase him some more, he stay in the water.

Collie/Australian Shepherd Mix named Ollie – super fun! But he so
energetic! I poop out and he still running around like crazy.
Also, he like to herd things. By things I mean everything. That
fine, but I do not want to be herded. Do I look like a sheep?

Tumbleweed – very fun to chase, but don’t taste too good and smell
like dirt. And for the love of dog don’t try to pee on one. They

Billy Goat – Probably a blind animal. Made weird “BAAA” noise then
head butted the fence. What that all about? Not worth play bowing

Cow – Has no idea what a play bow is. Very Stupid. Says "MOO" a
lot. I told him it was "ROO" and not "MOO" but he didn't seem to
understand. I nickname him Whopper.

As you can see, this is an important survival guide for hounds on the
farm. I was so tired after my day of farming that I slept for ten
straight hours and didn’t even get up when mom opened the



Horrible Houseguest Harold the Humper

August 3rd 2008 5:51 pm
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A neighbor came by today for a visit and she brought her dog Harold. I like most dogs, but not this one.

Harold yapped.

A lot.

He yapped at me. He yapped at mom. He yapped at the TV. He yapped at the yard. He yapped at the plants. He yapped at the air. He yapped at hisself. Yap Yap Yap.

To add insult to injury, he HUMPED MY MR. MOOSE STUFFIE.

I was a gracious hostess for about 2.5 minutes then I ran for cover. I went and hid in my crate. Too bad my crate don’t got a door on it anymore or I would have closed it on myself. Naturally, mom did what she always does in a crisis - she laughed. I bet she wouldn't think it was so funny if it was her belongings getting humped.

Mom say that apparently Harold humps cause he isn’t fixed. I coulda told her that. I know exactly what part of him is broken too. His brain. Maybe he was dropped as a puppy or something. His brain definitely need fixing. Humping Mr. Moose. Mr Moose is a MISTER and therefore should not be a hump-ee.

Between me running for cover and Harold the Humper humping, mom laugh so hard she cried.

Harold is officially disinvited to my house. And he can have Mr. Moose too, cause I don’t want him anymore.

The Horrified Hound


*sniff* sniff sniff sniff* I AM NOT STINKY

August 1st 2008 4:37 pm
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Well, I got a whole bunch of Febreze collars and at first I was offended. I most certainly do not stink. Usually. Okay, sometimes I stink, but not often. And my pup pals are all over the world so certainly I couldn't stink for miles and miles and miles.

Then I went to see why all my pals were suddenly questioning my personal hygeine, and Lo and Behold... these Febreze collars are free to give out.


I can totally afford that.

So lots of collars has more to do with my cheap friends than my odoriferous self.

Now excuse me while I go give Febreze collars to all my pals cause I am cheap too. Whoop Whoop!

Generous with the free stuff

Thanks to all my pals for the Febreze collars. They aren't free, they are priceless!


Coffeeee!!?? What are you doing?!

July 14th 2008 4:29 pm
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What do you mean “what am I doing?”

I’m wiping my nose on the dining room wall. Of course. Duh.

What does it look like I’m doing?

I gotta splain everything.



I don't know who we're fighting, but I hope we win...

July 5th 2008 8:17 am
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Hey mom! Here I am! By the door! Doing the Potty Dance! I gotta go!

Whew, thanks. Maybe I'll do a zoomie or two while I'm out here and... Hey? It smells funny out here. Like.. gunpowder? And smoke? And bar-be-que? Hhm. I hear kids playing and the neighbors talking. Things must be okay. I look back at you standing in the doorway, and you look calm, so I guess things are okay. Don’t like those smells though. I’ll just be extra cautious.

I’ll creeeeep along the deck and creeeeeeep down to into the yard… I’ll keep my ears straight up, my nose on alert and my tail tucked between my legs. I am not sure about this at all…

*Pppppssssssssssssssttttttt BOOM!*

HEY WHAT THE @#$! WAS THAT!?!?!?!?

Make Way! Retreaaat! I’m coming back in! Forget having to pee, I changed my mind! 45 mile per hour dash into the kitchen comin through! Get outta the way!

*pant pant pant* Whew... *pant pant pant* back in the house to safety *pant pant pant* Clearly we’re under attack! *pant pant pant* Guard your food and stuffies! *pant pant*

What do you mean “4th of July fireworks?” *pant* This holiday sucks. I’m going to spend the rest of it glued to your side or snuggly in my crate. I’ll pee tomorrow when it is safe. I can hold it. No way I'm going out there again until the hostilities cease or something.

Next Fourth of July we are visiting Canada. Why can't all holidays be like Thanksgiving?




June 30th 2008 8:48 am
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If you fling your stuffies over the fence, the dogs next door will NOT throw them back no matter how sadly you stand by the fence and whine about it.



Sound Advice

June 22nd 2008 5:35 pm
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Do not lock yourself in the bathroom. Your mom will have to dismantle the doorknob to get you out. (She will not be amused.)


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