AhhhRoooOoOOoOOOOOooOOoo!

"Greyhounds For Dummies" book is too advanced for my mom

Saturday was a big and stressful day. We did lots of stuff and we were all very tired. Especially mom. About 2am early early early Sunday morning, Daytona went out to the family room to grab a stuffie and started playing. It was the hedgehog one with a loud grunter, so I went to investigate. I love my new brother, but he is such a stupidhead sometimes. Then he started to whine and whine and whine. He wanted to play! At 2am! Mom finally had had enough. She got out of bed. She didn’t bother to turn on the light. She just told him to shut up, then took him to his crate for the rest of the night.

Well, she woke up this morning to see that she had made a BIG mistake. She hadn’t grabbed Daytona. She grabbed ME!! And there I was. Asleep, and all locked up tight in Daytona’s crate. With HIS stinky blanket and HIS stinky pillow in HIS stinky boy crate.

Daytona thought it was the funniest thing ever. (He thinks everything is funny.)

We both got extra scritches for being good. Daytona for shutting up when told and me for not complaining loudly when I was unceremoniously stuffed into the wrong crate. We even got browned, ground buffalo meat in our breakfast as a special treat!

Mom is still trying to get the hang of this having two dogs stuff. Now I gotta train mom AND Daytona. I thought I was retired but I still got lotta work to do here.

Love,
Coffee

HalloWHAT?

Daytona did pretty good with his first Halloween, except that he took a bit to figure out the doorbell. The first few times it rang, he ran in the wrong direction.

Training is tough. I have a lot of work ahead of me to get my brother up to speed on these things.

Love,
Coffee

He ain't heavy...

We got lots of snow! Maybe a foot by now and it's still coming down! And Daytona has been peeing on the patio cause he is afraid to venture into the yard. But he finally got up the courage to go two steps into the yard and I celebrated by doing a bunch of tiny zoomies around him. Then I play bowed, and then I kicked snow in his face.

He started whining and ran back to the door to be let inside.

Now when mom asks if he wants to go outside, he goes and crates himself.

My brother is a big wuss.

I’m going to have to work with him some more.

On a better note, he now knows how to “down.”

Love,
Coffee
#1 Big Sister

P.S.
I’ve also given him several nicknames. He is now Daytona Dingleberry Underfoot. For obvious reasons.

It's official! I got a brother!

Please visit my brother Daytona's Dogster page. He is very nice and is easy to boss around. He needs pals!

http://www.dogster.com/dogs/1055447

Wow!

What a week I'm having! Last weekend I had the funnest slumber par-TAY ever! Then on Friday we picked up my foster brother. His name is Daytona, and I really want to keep him. I might be getting a real greyhound brother!! He would be perfect! Yeah! And today is mom's birthday. And NOW I am a diary pick of the day here at Dogster! Thank you, Dogster!

Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket or something! My life is sooo good!

Love,
Coffee
A Very Happy Girl

Greyhound Slumber Party

This week the funnest thing ever happened! I got to have three of my favorite
buddies over for a slumber party. Mom calls it "dog sitting." She's never done
it before and was super nervous about having all four of us. She worried that
we would gang up on her. But, we were good. … Uuhh… Mostly.

Thursday, October 8
Uncle Julian dropped off my bestest pals Artemis, Apollo and Buster around 1:00
in the afternoon. We immediately made for the back yard where we PLAYED PLAYED
PLAYED! Mom stepped in a few times to referee when we got too rowdy. Apollo
and Buster took the opportunity to mark every tree, bush, shrub, fencepost and
brick available. (Ugh. Boys.) Artemis likes to try to eat the shrubbery, so
mom had to keep a close eye on her. I guess she thinks it is a salad bar or a
buffet or something. I got my head peed on once cause I wanted to sniff where
Buster was peeing before he got done peeing on it. He apologized for his
ungentlemanly behavior, and mom cleaned my forehead and ears off with a warm
wash cloth.

We had a tasty dinner, and mom made sure we gave each other space so there was
no growling. My resource guarding training musta worked pretty good cause I
had perfect manners. (Thank you Aunt Sue Brown!) Artemis and I maintained a
downstay the whole time the boys ate, then we waited patiently for our food.
Okay. Maybe not patiently. We both drooled some. But we waited, and we
eventually got fed. We all did so good, we even got an after dinner treat.

Aunt Kay came over after dinner and we all went for a short walk. The weather
was cold and snowy, but it was so much fun walking with my extended pack. I did
circles and circles and circles and circles before finding just the right place
to poo. The other hounds were very impressed by my thoroughness and attention
to detail.

When we got back, we were all tired from our exploring and adventures. Mom
turned on the fireplace, and we all got to snooze in a warm, cozy bunch while it
snowed outside.

What a greyt day!

Friday, October 9
Most of us slept through the night. Buster got up a few times to check on mom,
and Artemis got up once to kick Apollo off his dog bed. We got up en masse
around 7:00am and ate a hearty breakfast. Aunt Sam came over mid morning and
we all took another pack walk. The weather was nicer than yesterday and the sun
was out so our walk was longer than the one yesterday. There were lots and lots
of things to smell and pee on. We got back and went to the backyard where
Apollo and Buster found several vertical surfaces they had not yet marked. What
an embarrassing oversight!! They seem to have a contest going over who can pee
higher on stuff, so everything gots peed on several times. Artemis managed to
eat a few bits of the shrubbery before mom caught her. Then we all followed mom
around the yard as she picked up poo. It was like we were all floats in a poo
parade.

Friday afternoon we explored. Artemis discovered the laundry room. She
reports that there is nothing much interesting in the laundry room, and all she
got for her trouble was an old lint ball which was a very unsatisfactory snack.
Buster fell in love with my fuzzy, pink purse toy and carried it around for a
few hours. He even napped with it. He is very secure in his masculinity to
carry around a fuzzy, pink purse toy. He also discovered the ice dispenser in
the door of the refrigerator. He was sniffing, sniffing, sniffing… then BLOOP!
It made a big rumbling noise and then he got attacked by a flying ice cube!!!
He tried to back up extra fast, but he was on the bamboo floors and mostly his
butt just slid out from under him. It took him a few seconds to get all four
legs working in the same direction, but he was able to escape the Evil Attack
Refrigerator Monster without any permanent physical or emotional damage.

The last potty of the evening did not go so well. It was cold and freezing rain
outside. All four of us stood at the back door looking outside in dismay. We
had no sooner changed our minds and started to try to turn around when mom
shoved us out the door and slammed it shut behind us! And then the meanie
wouldn't let us back in until we pottied!! I apologized to our guests for my
mom's unacceptable behavior, but luckily they understood. Their parents
apparently force them to potty outside in all kinds of bad weather too. Not
nice. Not nice at all.

Despite the fact that WE were the cold wet ones, MOM decided to indulge in a
bubble bath. Or at least she tried. I learned from experience that getting
too close and falling into the bubble bath with mom is NOT FUN and causes a lot
of shrieking and yelling. But the others apparently hadn't witnessed this weird
human custom, so we all crowded around the tub and watched. Artemis tried to
eat the loofah, the bar of soap, the hot water faucet knob, the entire contents
of the bathroom trash bin and a blue scrunchie. Buster tipped an entire bottle
of (open) bubble bath into the tub. The resulting big splash scared him so bad
that he took off for the far reaches of the house and did not return. Apollo
watched for a bit, but decided it was not so fun after he got a nose full of
bubbles.

Mom said it was the least relaxing bubble bath she ever had. I'm not sure why.
There's just no helping some people.

Saturday, October 10
Up and happy tails at 6:30am! We were extra enthusiastic for breakfast which
had warm ground turkey added in. YUM! A warm breakfast on a cold day hit the
spot.

Mid morning, after our food had digested: BIG BACKYARD ZOOMIE RACE IN THE SNOW!
We had so much fun! We ran in circles and crazy eights all over the yard. Even
lazybones Apollo got into it! We all have different racing styles. I like to
do helicopter whirls while I run, which makes my progress more sideways than
forwards. Artemis runs fast, but sometimes her butt runs faster than her head
and she trips herself. She also hated the snow and spent most of our outside
time standing at the backdoor, whining to be let back in. Apollo runs fast for
a bit, but then gets bored with it. He never managed to complete more than a
few unenthusiastic half circles. Buster is super fast fast! He even managed
to hike his leg up and do a three legged drive by peeing of one of the flower
planters! We were all very impressed at his balance and aim. Except for mom.
She was not impressed. Her shoe almost got whizzed on.

We came inside, got an afternoon treat and napped the cold, snowy day away.

After dinner, Apollo was playing with Mr. Moose stuffie and threw it over the
baby gate and down the basement steps. He stood there looking through the baby
gate down the steps and was so heartbroken that mom went down and got it for
him. After that, he seemed fascinated by the baby gate and the stairs and spent
lots of time gazing down into the mysterious darkened basement.

Saturday for dinner, mom had a grilled cheese. It smelled soooooo good! We all
hung around in the kitchen waiting for her to possibly drop it or leave it
undefended. She took it into the office to eat, and all four of us crowded in
after her. The room was just barely big enough to fit us all, but we managed to
squish in. Then it happened.

ARTEMIS FARTED!

BIG! AND LOUD!

We all looked at her in surprise.

Then everyone, including Artemis, looked at her butt.

Then all of a sudden we couldn't smell the grilled cheese at all. All we could
smell was Artemis stench. It smelled teeeerrrriiibbbllleee!

We quickly decided that the grilled cheese wasn't worth the smell, and abandoned
the office, post-haste. Mom was left with the grilled cheese and no breathable
air. Maybe next time she will learn to share with us, and these disasters
wouldn't happen. Hee hee hee!

Saturday night (since the bubble bath was such a success?) mom decided to paint
her toenails. Bright cherry red was her color of choice. We were all smart
enough to stay away from the stinky nail polish, except for Artemis. She stuck
her nose in the polish. Now mom has a needlenose print on her big toe and
Artemis has a dab of red paint on her schnozz. Curiosity might have killed the
cat, but it sure wasn't helping poor Artemis much either.

Saturday night was even tougher on Artemis. She kept licking her dog bed and
had to be corrected three times by mom. She got tired of getting corrected, and
decided to change beds. She tried to join me in my crate, but I growled at her.
No way! This is my crate and I didn't want company, even from my bestest pal!
Then Artemis went to try to join Buster on his bed. And HE growled at her too!
Then, she went to her brother, Apollo's bed and tried to join him. And HE
growled at her! Apollo! He never growls at anybody! Artemis hung her head and
tucked her tail and went back to her original somewhat soggy dog bed. Mom felt
so sorry for her that she went and sat by Artemis and gave her a belly rub.
Poor Artemis. To get growled at by both cousins and her brother all at the same
time. It's tough being the youngest, and being a Brat.

Sunday the slumber party ended when Uncle Julian came to pick everybody up. We
ran around in the yard and even played too rowdy, we were so excited! I had so
much fun! Mom says that since the house is still standing, and she didn't have
a nervous breakdown, that maybe we can do it again sometime.

I sure hope Santa is paying attention to how good we all were. Artemis and I
need all the extra points we can get!

Love,
Coffee SweetPea Doodlebug Snooter Henderson
Hostess Extraordinaire

Hungry Girl

What’s so funny? Why are you laughing?

What do you mean “Did I enjoy my dinner?”

Of course. I always love dinner.

I have food slopped on my forehead?

And in my ears?

Oh.

Well.

Perhaps a bib is in order.

Love,
Coffee

WARNING: Evil Doorstop Monster Might be in Your Home Too!

I got attacked. Viciously and unprovoked. It happened yesterday when mom and I were visiting my pal Uncle Scott. There is a room at his house that I am not allowed to go in. That is where they keep the lures. (A cat lure and a rabbit lure, I believe.)

Anyways, no one was paying attention to me, and I was able to nudge the Lure Room door open and sneak in behind Uncle Scott. When he spotted me, he ordered me out of the room. I hadn’t even gotten a sniff of anything! I backed up and backed up and backed up and then it happened.

I kicked the Doorstop Monster. It was right there on the wall, hiding behind the door.

BBBBrrRrrRRooOoooiIIInNNNGGg!! BbBbbBbrRRRROooOooiiiiIIinnnnnNnggg!

GACK!

I yelped and raced out of the room at 45 miles per hour! What a terrible noise!

As usual, in crisis situations, mom was useless. She and Uncle Scott just laughed and laughed. They snickered about “the expression on Coffee’s face” and “ran like she was shot out of a cannon” and “funniest thing I’ve ever seen!”

Well. Hearty Har Har.

I had to run for my life. That Doorstop Monster almost got me.
No thanks to you.

Now I think I’ll just sit here on the couch and pant for a bit while I calm down.

Love,
Coffee

That Wascally Wabbit!

Today mom and I took a nice long walk and afterward I got to sit in the yard and snack on some Frosty Paws. (Yum!) While I was relaxing with my ice cream, a rabbit hopped into the yard. I spotted him but wasn’t much interested. Ice cream tastes better and requires less energy to catch than a rabbit. Live and let live, I say.

Anyhoo… the suicidal rabbit wasn’t bothered by me either, cause he just hopped closer…. and closer… and closer and CLOSER! Mom was starting to get worried that this was some sort of mutant attack rabbit because it got to within five feet of me!

That’s when I had to put my foot down.

I growled. I lifted up my lips and showed the rabbit my big teeth and I growled long and low and deep in my throat.

MY ICE CREAM! MINE MINE MINE!

I wasn’t interested in chasing the rabbit, but I sure as heck wasn’t going to let him eat my ice cream!

Suicide Rabbit scampered away and I went back to finishing off my treat.

Then I had to do ten minutes of “Nothing in Life is Free” training since technically I am not allowed to actually guard my food. Even from stupid rabbits.

Ten. Whole. Minutes.

Sit
Stay
Down
Come
Circle
Sit
Down
Circle
Stay
Sit

All because of a stupid rabbit who was eyeballing my ice cream.

I hate rabbits.

Love,
Coffee Fudd

Is it edible now? How about now? Now? Maybe now? How- about now?

There is a piece of lint on the floor next to the bedroom door. It is black and fuzzy and every time I walk past it I have to sniff it, and lick it and sometimes eat it. But it is never tasty. I always spit it back out.

Then a few hours later I walk past it again and have to see if maybe it is any tastier this time. Nope. Not tastier. Spit it out again.

Mom could put me out of my misery… but no. She just laughs each and every darn time I try to eat it. I tried to eat it about six times now and it still tastes yucky. But I’ll keep trying.

Maybe it tastes better now. I better go see.

Love,
Coffee

Malcolm MacGreygor - In Loving Memory

My pal Malcolm went to the Bridge yesterday. Cancer came and took him away from his mama so fast. All the mamas eyes are leaking and leaking. We know he is in a happier place with no pain and no medicine.... but we are selfish and wanted him to stay longer with us here.

Malcolm was the bestest greyhound ambassadog, and he was the one who introduced me to Dogster and got me to join up. At greyhound Meet and Greets he always knew who needed snuggles and how to be gentle with children. He was a dignified and royal hound at the Colorado Renaissance Faire every year.

The world is truly a sadder place now.

Please visit his page and leave a pawmail or rosette or gift for his suffering mama.

http://www.dogster.com/dogs/441307

Love,
Coffee

Is there an attorney in the house?

Today mom found a partially eaten dead bird in the back yard. Just the feathers, wings and beak were left. After a lot of (completely unnecessary) shrieking and hollering, she scooped it up (without vomiting) and threw it away.

I have not had my day in court, and the evidence is circumstantial, yet she has convicted me of this crime anyway.

It is a travesty of justice.

Innocent until proven guilty.

I demand my rights!

I have not yet begun to fight!

E pluribus Unum!

Give me liberty or give me a hamburger!

Hound unite!

Love,
Coffee
I DIDN'T DO IT YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING

GREYHOUND 2.0 USER MANUAL

GREYHOUND 2.0 USER MANUAL

System Specifications
• Available in a variety of colors and sizes
• More silent operation than other DOG models
• User Friendly
• Ergonomic
• Portable
• Highly accurate Dual Video
• Efficient energy usage using INPUT Port and OUTPUT port. (Required hardware – POOP_BAG.sys)
• Automatically reverts to Energy Saving Standby Mode when not in use
• WALK, RUN, and ADVANCED NAP features.
• Manufactured by BROODMAMA (Makers of Many DOGs)

Transportation
• Failure to properly transport a DOG unit may result in loss or damage to the unit and serious injury to the user.

Installation Procedures
• If the user already has a DOG unit successfully installed in the HOME port, it may be possible to download BASIC routines from the old unit to the new unit. For the first day or two, DOG will stay in self-learning mode. When the learn buffer overflows, the DOG will autorun the sleep() routine. This is normal. The ROAM chips will write the new information to permanent memory. After 72 hours, the DOG will be interacting with the operating environment.
• If all basic environment requirements are satisfied, the DOG system will autodisplay HAPPYTAIL. This is normal. If environment requirements are not satisfied, the system may emit a series of prolonged high decibel whines.
• DOG units are operational in all 3-D axis: 45 mph, eating, or asleep mode. The Greyhound 2.0 operates best in sleep mode.
• The unit may be placed in direct sunlight for short periods of time. Do not exceed 85 F without the WATERBOWL app..
• A new DOG should not solo exit the primary site facility. The advantages are cleaner operation, longer unit life, and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate DOG units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with virus infected DOGs may lead to bug infestation. If allowed to exit, some DOG units may try to port across heavy data traffic. Nonrecoverable fatal errors may occur. However, DOG units can autosearch independently if yard has installed a FENCE program.
• If you decide to let your DOG out, it should have a TAG_COLLAR.TXT file with a system address and URL which identifies the host site and system administrator.
• Your DOG should have a system name. The name may need to be initialized repeatedly until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Advanced system operators have successfully installed dozens of voice commands.
• You can also get the DOG's attention by booting the system. While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will abuse or damage the system.

Applications
In contrast to CAT units, there are many productivity applications for DOGs. Units are installed in home, home office, industrial, and farm settings. DOGs have even been sent into space.
• GUARD: The DOG unit will auto-deploy BARK and BYTE routines. If three or more K9 units are activated, an unwanted, endless BARK feedback loop may occur. This is not available for the Greyhound 2.0 operating system as the Greyhound model overwrites all GUARD applications with NAP applications. If you are interested in GUARD applications, you may want to purchase a GERMAN_SHEPHERD system instead.
• SEARCH: K9 units can search/find random data to find hits. Searches frequently obtain important data such as SQUIRREL.DOC, RABBIT.EXL or CAT.TXT.
• SORT: The K9 can use SORT and GUARD to regulate FAMILY units. BORDER_COLLIE can SORT and GUARD SHEEP units.
• RUN: DOG units, especially the Greyhound 2.0 perform optimally in RUN mode. This is upgraded to DAAAAAARNFAST on all Greyhound 2.0 models.

Many owners use their system for game playing. DOGs play best when they are young. Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some DOG games are:
• CACHE: The DOG will CACHE a data object.
• JUMP: Move the data object through the air. The DOG unit will reach new heights of operation. This can be terminated with the voice command DOWN. Best used with RETRIEVER operating systems.
• MIRROR: Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.
• CHASE: Played between two DOG units or with a CAT unit. Units take turns as one is the data object and the other attempts to CACHE it.
• ROO: Offer audio data to elicit a range of audio output. Exclusive to Greyhound 2.0 models.

Maintenance
• DOGs will self-recharge. For the Greyhound 2.0 model this takes 19 hours in a 24 hour cycle.
• DOGs require little user maintenance. Do not clean the unit with alcohol.
• Your DOG unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive Technician) for a system checkup.
• Do not attempt to open a DOG. There are no user serviceable parts inside. If a unit emits strange smells, sounds or evacuates data via the input port, it should be serviced immediately by a VET.
• You may examine the rear of the DOG unit to determine if it has a male or female port. DOGs with a male port may result in unwanted copies. VET can remove this optional item. DOGs with female ports are plagued by periodic heating problems. VET can fix this permanently by removing an internal part. Such systems run UNIX.

Warning Notices
• DOG systems are user-friendly. However, in certain documented situations, a DOG may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or obstruction of Input or Output ports may lead to deployment of auto-defense systems. Do not pull its "tail." DOG may BYTE.
• Never attempt a first strike on a DOG system. You can't outrun it. The VISEGRIP ™ byte device has an average seek rate (ASR) of 30 milliseconds. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the user (Note from our attorneys: The Supreme Court issued a ruling in End-User vs DOG that can be summed up under the legal principle "Every DOG is allowed one BYTE.")
• Never attempt to interface with the BATH application. This may lead to water damage for the end-user and HOME port.
Service Life
• As DOGs become older, the learn program will recognize all situations.
• If you properly care for your DOG, it will give you years of loyal service.
• Many users get a second unit. Most users don't need the extra capacity, but multiple units enable the ability to run complex games.

Documented Problems
• The Ctrl key on some DOG units is defective. This may lead to serious performance problems.
• Do not install a new CAT unit at a site which has an operational DOG unit. These systems are not compatible. The CAT unit may be permanently deleted.

System Features
• Models = Main frame (ex: GREAT_DANE), desktop (ex: GREYHOUND) laptop (ex: TERRIER) and handheld (CHIHUAHUA) models.
• Interface = Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness.
• Memory = Not much, but can be highly selective depending on nature of data.
• Expected Lifetime = 12-14 years.
• Weight = 60-85+ pounds without optional features or add ons.
• Speed = up to 45 miles per hour for short periods of time
• Color Graphics = Wide variety of solid or mixed colors.
• Sound Chip = 2 octaves, digital MIDI output through internal woofer speakers.
• Power Consumption = 3.5 cups protein daily depending on size of unit and energy output. Increased performance when used with TREATS.



(Note: the dog user manual idea came from another website. I shortened it and changed quite a bit to suit my own sense of humor and greyhounds, but felt it was appropriate to attribute the really funny concept. http://andreas.com/blog.html. Enjoy!)

Tales of a High Strung Hound Mama Part XVIII

So, yesterday when mom was brushing me, she noticed that my back leg was all scraped up. And the scrapes had torn skin and had deep punctures so it was beyond the abilities of our little home first aid kit. I wasn’t whining, or limping or even bleeding. In fact, I had just done zoomies in the back yard despite the fact that I had definitely done the damage to myself at least a few hours ago! Maybe even days!

Mom drove me fast fast to Caring Hands Veterinary Hospital.

Although I love all the doctors and staff there and they definitely love me back, I still had to get knocked out and sewn shut. Dr Stacey was busy in surgery with another hurt puppy dog, but Dr Henry was available and got me fixed right up. I did lots of panting and shivering and crying. I hate anesthesia. It was so tough and it makes me so confused when I wake up. But I am a brave girl, and I got through it.

Mom… on the other hand… not so much.

While I was in surgery, she went to the store and stocked up on all kinds of goodies for me – ground beef, Frosty Paws, bananas, peanut butter… all the emergency supplies I might need for my convalescence. Then she went home and exacted her revenge on all the shrubbery in the back yard that could have attacked me. It was ugly. It was carnage. Now there are no sharp points on any of the greenery anywhere. I guess I’m lucky she didn’t just set it on fire, cover it in safety bumpers and encase me in bubble wrap.

When we got home, I just wanted to hang out in my crate, but mom was just sure I was thirsty. She put water bowls outside my crate and beside every bed just in case I forgot where my water bowl was. (Duh!) And she stayed in the same room with me to make sure I was okay. She even watched me breathe in case I forgot to and stopped.

She was all up in my business ALL NIGHT!

Please, woman, I am just trying to snooze after a tough day!!

Anyways… I am happy to report that I took all my pills this morning, had a nice firm poopie and am drinking lots of water. My pretty pink leg bandage even matches my pink pirate collar. The techs at Caring Hands know I like to be fashionable at all times and they even drew a pirate on my pink leg bandage! Best of all, mom seems to have herself under control. I am getting scritches and treats and have shown no interest in chewing or bothering my bandage.

Now I am going to relax today and enjoy my pain meds.

Love,
Coffee

P.S.
If any of you have advice on how to deal with a less than cool mom, let me know. Maybe there is a medication for her. Maybe I’ll get her some DAP.

Mom needs some serious retraining

DOORBELL! Woohoo! Lets go get it! Who’s there!? Maybe it’s Aunt Kay or Aunt Naomi! Interesting people always show up after the doorbell rings. OOOOOh I love the doorbell… hey. Hey?

Why aren’t you getting up?

GO GET THE DOOR!

I’d do it but I don’t have thumbs.

What do you mean you aren’t presentable?!?!?

You’re in your pajamas?!?!

Who cares!

WE GOTTA SEE WHO’S AT THE DOOR!!!

There’s the doorbell AGAIN!!

Get-it-get-it-get-it-get-it-get-it-get-it-get-it- get-it-get-it-get-it!

AaAARRrRrrrgGGhHhhh!

Now they LEFT! I can’t believe it! They LEFT and I didn’t even get to see who it WAS!!

Oh Nooooo! This is unacceptable!

Love,
Coffee
Frustrated in Thornton

A difference of opinion. Again.

Mom was busy. Busy busy busy and not paying adequate attention to me. So I decided to do some redecorating. Now, mom likes her dirty clothes piled in the laundry basket. I disagree. I believe they look best strewn about the back yard.

Despite all my hard work mom did not approve. Especially since she didn’t discover my handiwork until after it had rained a bit.

Transported to the backyard were the following items:
1 pair pink underwear
1 white tank top
3 white socks
1 black platform sandal
1 Mr. Piggie stuffie with broken oinker

Mom seemed irritated at my efforts and promptly went out and picked up everything I had laboriously moved out there.

I’ll never understand her.

Love,
Coffee

Tactical error

If you are laying flat on the floor like a pancake and you are blocking the entire hallway and mom has to step over you to get from the office to the living room… whatever you do… don’t look up at her to see where she is going.

You will get kicked in the head.

Oh, mom will feel terrible about it and will give you extra scritches and belly rubs and even a treat or two… but still. Kicked in the head by my very own mom. Not nice.

Life is tough when you have a clumsy mom.

Love,
Coffee

Mom - Still Reality Challenged

Today we went shopping and mom was told by the nice lady at Muttz Pet Store that I was so well behaved and a great sidekick.

WHAT?!

I am not the sidekick. I am the Hero. She is MY sidekick. I am Batman, she is Robin. I am The Lone Ranger, she is Tonto. I am Yogi, she is BooBoo. I am Holmes, she is Watson.

She should have set that woman straight.

All she said was “Thank you.”

It was disgusting.

Love,
Coffee

New Greyhound Math: Bad + Bad = DONUT

Usually when I am a BAD GIRL nothing good happens. I get told “No” then ignored, which is terrible terrible. I learn not to do the bad thing again. Usually. Mom thought I had learned that I am not allowed to bum rush the front door when visitors come over. I was also supposed to know that I am not allowed to jump up on people. When I do this, I get no scritches or pets.

But today it was all different! I was napping quietly with mom and my grandparents when … the doorbell rang! Excitement! Visitors! I leapt up! I sprinted to the door! My tail was helicoptering and my ears were straight up! My uncle came in and I jumped up on him with all four paws! AND HE DROPPED HIS COFFEE AND KRISPY KREME DONUT ON THE FLOOR!

I got doused with cappuccino as I snarfed up two whole bites of donut before mom caught up with me and told me to “Leave It.”

That donut was soooo good. Mom is just sure it will give me tummy problems, but it would be worth it. I also had to get a bath, but it was worth that too.

It has been a great day!

Love,
Coffee

Whiney McWhinerton of Whineytown

Today was a bad day.

I didn’t get breakfast, and I had to go to the vet. I love Dr. Stacey and everybody at Caring Hands Vet, but this time I got a “dental.” Which in human language translates to knocked out and tortured with sharp instruments.

I had to get poked multiple times since I kept moving when they were putting the needle in my left front leg. Then it had to go in my right front leg. I kept a-wigglin’ so finally it had to go in my back paw. So now I got bald shaved parts on my pretty brindle fur. And I refused to take the pain pill, so I had to get an injection. Ptooey. No pills for me.

I am now on painkillers that are making me goofy. Mom says it might have messed with my “depth perception.” I don’t know what that means, but I fell off the porch, pottied on my very own foot and fell asleep with only my tail actually on the dog bed.

Luckily mom has been extra snuggly during my ordeal, and I got a special dinner of chicken, ground beef and rice. I didn’t get very much though, cause I’m still a little queasy. Apparently barfing is frowned upon. (Mom has lots of weird rules like that.) I’ve been wandering around the house whining pitifully to let mom know how tough I have it. She’s a sucker, so I am getting near constant belly rubs and scritches.

Still… if you hear your people talking about a “dental”… RUN. It’s even worse than a “bath.”

Love,
Coffee

Zoomies! Of! DoooOOooooMmMm!!

If you are ZOOMING on right side of your yard. Then ZOOMING on the left side of your yard. The ZOOMING along the back fence of your yard, by all means be careful that you don’t get going so fast your back end catches up with your front end.

You’ll trip and fling yourself snout first into a shrub.

Of course, mom freaks out and runs over to see if you are okay. She say that I would have knocked myself silly if I weren’t so silly already.

I blame the snow.

Love,
Coffee

P.S.
But I then got extra belly rubs and treats, so maybe my wipe out wasn’t so bad after all.

Free Treat Bags abuse

Well it looks like the Dogster deities have given us bags of treats to give to each other under the "Special Gifts" section. I'm a sucker for marketing ploys! (Plus, my mom is cheap.)

I got all excited and gave them to everybody.

Including... myself.

That's right. I somehow managed to give myself a special gift. Clearly I am abusing this privilege. I must immeditely eat the evidence. As my pal Ella would say... NOM NOM NOM!

Love,
Coffee

For the record, it was a "C"

Mom turned her back on the Scrabble board for one second.

Just one second!

When she came back all the words were messed up, and there was a trail of snot on the Scrabble board. Plus, there was a letter missing. Mom had just begun to panic and contemplate calling the emergency vet when the letter made a reappearance on the rug along with some partially digested kibble and miscellaneous greyhound tummy goo.

In an unrelated note: Scrabble pieces are not edible or even particularly tasty even if they do resemble a treat. And playing them in a location other than on the regulation scrabble board results in no points.

Love,
Coffee

It’s the Thought that Counts

My new pal Diesel is a Rottweiler/Dobie mix. He is big and strong and dopey and I love him very much. He wears a black leather collar with spikes so he looks like a real bada$$. We had lots of fun playing chase and keep away in the yard while our moms hung out.

While we were playing, he rolled on a dead bird. It was an extra squishy gooey dead bird too, but best of all, the dead bird carcass got impaled on his collar spikes!!!

This was the best thing to ever happen to us EVER! Diesel and I were thrilled. What a daring fashion choice! We loved it! Plus, is smelled GREAT and oozed decaying slime and guts all down his shoulder.

Excitedly, we ran back into the house to show our moms.

For some reason they were not impressed. Not only were they not impressed, there was screeching and yelling.

“Unnecessary,” I thought.
“Overreacting,” Diesel commented.

Here it was Valentines Day, and Diesel was thoughtful enough to bring a gift to our moms and how did he get thanked? A BATH.

It is an unjust world.

Hope your Valentines Day was better.

Love,
Coffee

Taking retirement seriously

I am not narcoleptic. I am a greyhound. If I choose to nap with my head on the floor, my body on the dog bed and my tail in the fireplace, who are you to judge?

Love,
Coffee

More mysterious human behavior

Mom likes to take things called bubble baths. I am not allowed in the bathroom, so I only hear the water running and smell the soapy bubbles. Up until last week I was happy to lay by the bathroom door and wait till she finished. But I changed my mind. I'd had enough!

Thursday night I stepped right up, and I walked right in and there was mom in the tub surrounded by fluffy white bubbles. She had no sooner said “Coffee, what are you doing?” than I decided to join her. I scrambled over the edge of the tub and got both front legs in the bubbles.

Unfortunately, I was halfway in and halfway out when I realized that there was WATER under those bubbles! I HATE water!

I immediately realized my mistake, and after much yelping, splashing and pushing, I was back on dry land.

I ran through the house trailing water and suds and bubbles everywhere. Mom tried to give chase, but she also had the suds and bubbles problems. As soon as I got to the family room (next to the TV) I gave myself a good shake to dry off.

I just don’t see what mom sees in these bubble bath things. I did not find it relaxing at all.

Love,
Coffee

More Life Lessons

Normally I sleep about 18 hours per day, but the best way to get my immediate attention is to either (a) open a bag of treats or open something that sounds like it could be a bag of treats or (b) sit down and get comfortable.

That’s when I decide that I really would like to take a walk.

Har Har Har!

Love,
Coffee

Dog Powered Scooter

Don't let your people see this:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1118722/Its -ruff-ride-The-new-dog-powered-scooter-lets-pooch-walk-you.h tml

For Christmas I almost got my mom a can of whoop a$$

I accidentally almost got mom an a$$ whoopin' for Christmas this
year. On Christmas day we drove to one of my favorite parks to have
a nice long, scenic walk. On the way there, I decided that the front
seat of the car looked a lot more interesting than the backseat of
the car. I’ve never tried to squeeze up front before, so mom was
completely unprepared for my sudden presence on the center console. She thought it was funny until I accidentally honked the horn.

We were at a stop light.

Behind a police car.

Next to a curb full of (no doubt) heavily armed gang bangers.

Oops!

Mom put her whole hand on my snout and shoved me into the backseat. She slouched in the seat until the light turned green and we could go. Luckily we managed to avoid both an a$$ whoopin’ and a field sobriety test and we made it to the park safely.

On a happier note, I am pleased to say that I got everything I wanted
for Christmas. Clearly browbeating Santa worked! I got treats and
toys and unlimited belly rubs and ear scritches. I got new collars
from Aunt Kay and Aunt Naomi. Uncle Matt even sent me some Christmas Eve turkey too. Yummy! Plus, tomorrow is my fifth birthday, so I expect more presents to come!

Love,
Coffee

(Note from Coffee’s mom: For her birthday she is getting a car
harness.)

Coffee's Letter to Santa #5

Dear Santa,

Please check your list again. Your company appears to have some quality control issues. I am definitely "nice."

Love,
Coffee
Auditor

Coffee's Letter to Santa #4

Dear Santa,

I was framed.

Love,
Coffee

Coffee's Letter to Santa #3

Dear Santa,

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Love,
Coffee

Coffee's Letter to Santa #2

Dear Santa,

Define "naughty."

Love,
Coffee

Coffee's Letter to Santa #1

Dear Santa,

It was like that already when I got here.

Love,
Coffee
Very Good Girl

A Better Way To Race

11:07am
136th Avenue
Me in the backseat with my head hanging out the drivers side back
window.
We stop at the traffic light at Colorado Boulevard.
When a Jeep pulls up next to us.
There is a Husky. He also has his head hanging out the passenger
side window.
Our noses are only feet apart.
Our eyes meet.
The Husky barks his challenge and I ROooOooooooOooooO back.
The competition is engaged.
THE RACE IS ON!
The light turns green and
We're Off!
Faster Faster!
We are neck and neck!
Bark Bark Bark!
RoooOOOoooooooOOOoOooooo!
We start to pull ahead!
TAKE THAT HUSKY!
Oh no! We're slowing!
Then we stop at the light.
The handsome Husky is a worthy adversary.
But he must be beaten.
I am a greyhound. I will win.
The light turns green!
Faster Faster!
And we pull ahead!
Go Mom!
My tail is wagging thump thump thump in the back seat.
With one last bark, the Husky cries out his defeat and turns into
WalMart.
I am victorious!
I have won!
And I am ready for a nap.
This is the best way to race.

Love,
Coffee

Baffling Human Behavior Part XVII

I found out this weekend that other people’s houses have bathrooms similar to the ones in my house. (I know! I was shocked too!) But if you are invited over to a friend’s house, and you decide to check on mom while she is in the bathroom and you open the door… she will screech at you, waddle across the floor and slam the door in your face.

Rude. That never happened at home. Her behavior is inexplicable.

Love,
Coffee
(What? Privacy? Never heard of it.)

Intelligence Testing (or lack thereof)

Today mom read an article about dog intelligence. It suggested that one way to test a dog’s intelligence is to put a towel over the dog’s head and see how long it takes the dog to get out. The faster the dog gets out, the smarter the dog. Or so the theory goes.

So.. mom comes over to me and throws a towel over me. And waits. I don’t move. Not a peep. Not a wiggle. I continue to lay asnooze on the floor. And mom waited and waited and waited. Then she gave up and took the towel off herself.

She isn’t sure if I am a dunce or a genius.

All I know is that someone’s intelligence got tested and it wasn’t mine. Har Har Har!

Love,
Coffee

Coffee the.. Beaver?

If you are going to arrange the blankets, pillows, assorted stuffies and mat in your crate, be sure not to pile it all up at the crate door.

You create a dam, and have to cry for mom to come dig you out.

And instead of seeing your distress at being stuck, she will run for her camera and take your picture.

Love,
Coffee

Lots of Adorabley Adorableness

This morning I was sound asleep in my favorite upside down cockroaching position. I heard mom walking around, then she stop next to me. She say “Coffee, you are such a silly. You are my best girl and I love you very much.”

I wagged my tail. Thump thump thump on the floor. My eyes never even opened. Even in my dreams, I hear my mom’s voice and my name and it makes me happy.

I love retirement.

Love,
Coffee

Why Greyhounds Make Terrible Retrievers, Part II

Today mom threw a ball. Usually when she does this, we stand there and stare at each other to see who will actually end up going get the thing, but this time I TOOK OFF! I ran after the ball at full speed!

Only problem: I was so fast that I passed the ball and got to the fence before it did. I turned around to see where the slow ball went and it hit me on the head.

Not. Cool.

I know you retrievers out there like this whole “fetch” business, but I just don’t get it.

Love,
Coffee

Lap Dogs

What do you mean I am not a lap dog?

I am a dog, correct?

And I am currently residing in your lap, correct?

Ergo – LAP DOG.

I am very comfortable too.

What?

You aren’t comfortable?

You have a bony greyhound elbow in your ribs?

Well pardon me, but surely it is worth a little discomfort for the honor of being sat upon by me.

No?

Well could you at least carry me around in a purse? Some dogs get carried everywhere in fashionable purses. I’d like that. I get tired.

WHAT?!

Well your remarking on my weight was unnecessary and insulting. I am only a few pounds over my racing weight.

Okay, quite a few pounds over my racing weight.

How about we talk about YOUR WEIGHT.

No?

I thought not.

Now about that purse…

Love,
Coffee

Coffee in Love

Oh mom, I looooove this man. Finally you bring home a date I approve
of. He is so wonderful. I just want to snuggle with him and get ear
scritches, he is the bestest ever and I will follow him everywhere
and…
He’s not a date?
He’s the landscaping guy?
Oh.
He’s just here to flush out and winterize the sprinkler system?
Oh.
You’re sure he isn’t here to see me?
Okay.
Well, can we keep him anyway? I love him very very much.
No? Why not?
He’s married? With kids? AND HE HAS HIS OWN DOG EVEN!?!?
But he loves me more, I just know it.
And he gives excellent ear scritches.
What?
I’m embarrassing you?
I’m pretty sure he wanted to rub my belly. Obviously I had to sprawl
at his feet so he could.
I’m in the way?
Surely not.
I loooooooove him…
Please can I keep him please? O please?

Communication Problems Part XVIII

OoooOOOOOoOOOoOOoohh… My tummy doesn’t feel so good. In fact, I think I’m going to… *wheeze* .. I think I’m going to… *Whazzzee-hack*

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Moooom! Why are you holding a bucket under my chin? I’m going to barf! Move the bucket! I barf on the carpet! That’s what I always do! I’m not going to mess up a perfectly good bucket! Get out of the way!

*feint left*

*feint right*

Made it! Carpet!

BBbbBbBbbbbbbbaaaAAaaAaarrrrrrfFFffffFffBLAHBLAHB elch!

That’s better. Now my tummy is feeling not so queasy. What was going on with that bucket? That bucket was in the way and I had to make evasive maneuvers. Sometimes I just don’t know what you are thinking.

Love,
Coffee

Philosophy... BuuuUUuuUrrrrrrrRRrPppPppp...

Life is short. You always gotta stop to chomper the roses.

What?

I said it wrong? Stop to … smell the roses?

Well, smelling the roses is nice, but eating them is better. Don’t you think? Living life to the fullest and all.

Fine. FINE.

Always stop to SMELL THE ROSES and don’t DARE eat one or your mom will TOTALLY freak out and worry about thorns and bees and poison and indigestion and angry neighbors and destruction of public property and the sky falling and the four horsemen and the now inevitable apocalypse... So Nevermind! Just leave the darn roses alone unless you are nowhere near mom.

Stupid roses.

Love,
Coffee

The Anti-Matchmaker

Bye Bye Scott. Mom liked you but I don't think we'll be seeing you again.

All because I wiped my nose on your pants and sneezed in your beer.
You seem to have an aversion to boogers.

I can’t figure out why.

Love,
Coffee

More Life Lessons

If you want mom to play with you, then running up to her, throwing a stuffie in her face and knocking her glasses off and having them fall on the floor and break is not the way to do it.

Apparently.

Love,
Coffee

Mysteries of the Canine Brain

Ooooh! What are you eating? Is that a banana? It smells so good! Can I have a bite? I know I’m not allowed to beg, but I will just stand here at a respectful distance and look at you with big, sad, hungry brown eyes. Please? Just a little nibble?

Look. I’m sitting. You like it when I sit. I earn my treats. I am sitting very nicely. How about down. I am in the down position. See what a good girl I am? I deserve a bite of banana.

Yippee! A banana piece! Mine mine mine! Yummy! This is great! I’ll take it over here to the rug where I can savor it.

Actually… it’s kinda squishy. And yellowish. And not very good after all. It would be better with peanut butter or something.

Bleck. Ptooey!

Sorry about the rug.

Now I’m going to sit here next to the blob of banana moosh and look at you sadly. It’s your fault the banana wasn’t as good as I thought.

What a disappointment. Sooo sad now.

Hey? What are you doing now? Eating the rest of the banana?

Maybe that part is better.

Can I have a bite? Look! I’m sitting! I deserve a nibble at least!

Love,
Coffee

Snooter injury

I wanted to play! So I picked up my Mr. Moose stuffie and threeeeew it in the air!
I play bowed to mom!
Then I picked up my Mr. Froggy stuffie and threeeeew it in the air! Then I wagged my helicopter tail!
Then I picked up my Loofah dog and threeeeew it in the air!
Then I play bowed to the TV!
Then I picked up my Fuzzy Pink Purse stuffie and threeeeeew it in the air!
Then I turned in circles and circles and circles and circles!
Then I ran to mom and gave her a big smile and she said “Coffee, are you being a crazy dog?!”

YES! I Roo’d at her! I am definitely a crazy dog!!

Then I got a little too excited and might have made a mistake.

I tried to pick up my dog bed and throw it in the air.

It was too heavy.

I think I sprained my tongue. Maybe my nose.

I think I’ll take a nap now. It is tiring to be so being crazy.

Love,
Coffee

Poop Bag Issues Jr.

With a nod to my pal Ella (http://www.dogster.com/dogs/710533) my mom had a poop bag issue today too. It was kinda the opposite of Ella's mom's problem though.

My mom finds poop bags everywhere. In her purse, in her pockets, in her car, in her jacket, in her washing machine (VERY clean poop bags!), in random drawers at home, in her wallet, etc. We are never unprepared!

But today she was at work and had to give a presentation. And what fell out of her file folder... that's right. One of my poop bags. Right on the conference table next to her boss.

She had to assure her boss that the presence of poop bag was in no way indicative of the content of her presentation.

Har Har!

Love,
Coffee

A Day in the Life of a Retired Racing Greyhound

- 1 morning stroll around the neighborhood with mom

- 1 giant poo

- 2 piddles

- 8 forty-five mile per hour zoomies around the back yard

- 1 pile of squirrel poo sniffed

- 1 antler torn off Mr. Moose

- 5 seconds of SIT

- 10 seconds of STAY

- .00006 seconds of chowing down on BREAKFAST!

- 3 mouthfuls of kibble carefully transported and sprinkled
about the living room rug (Coffee = Kibble Fairy)

- 1 early morning nap in the bedroom

- 3 crotches sniffed (all human)

- 4 butts sniffed (three human, one Rottweiler.)

- 15 gallons of snot and drool efficiently deposited on
mom’s pants leg via big sneeze

- 1 loud through-the-fence difference of opinion with the
beagle next door

- 1 mid morning nap in my crate after excessive nesting to
make sure the blankets are situated …jussstt… riiight

- 1 staring contest with a squirrel (I won)

- 1 failed attempt to swipe a bite of mom’s grilled cheese
sandwich for lunch

- 1 early afternoon nap in the office

- 14 trips to the dining room window to examine the
neighborhood activities

- 2 cats spotted

- 4 kids spotted

- 1 adult spotted

- 6 cars spotted

- 1 blowing plastic bag mistaken for a rabbit

- 1 mid afternoon nap in the family room

- 1 peanut butter Kong efficiently destuffed

- 1 tour around the house to make absolutely 100% certain
that mom left the premises while I was distracted by the Kong

- 3 stuffies relocated from the bedroom to the dining room

- 1 stuffie relocated from the living room to the office

- 1 Food Network show watched (Bobby Flay. I love grillin!)

- 1 nap on the dining room floor

- 1 Kong (empty) relocated from the dining room to the
hallway

- 425,369,126.3 tail wags when mom gets home

- 1 late afternoon nap in the bedroom

- 1 patrol of backyard perimeter on the lookout for critters

- 3 zoomies done just to rile up the bark-y Labradors next
door

- 2 poos

- 4 piddles

- 15 agonizing minutes watching mom eat dinner while I wait
for her to finish and get to MY dinner

- 3 excruciating minutes waiting for mom to prepare my dinner

- 11 unbearable seconds of SIT

- 18 horrible never ending seconds of STAY

- .025 blissful seconds of chowing down on my DINNER!

- 34 seconds spent licking the empty bowl

- 1 giant burp right in mom’s face to let her know I love
her very much

- 1 early evening nap in the family room while mom watches
something called a “political convention” (I think it must be a show
about foghorns or something)

- 1 stroll to the mailbox with mom to get the mail (Nothing
for me. Bills for mom.)

- 1 last patrol around the yard before bedtime

- 1 piddle before bedtime

- 1 moth gobbled

- 1 partially digested moth hacked up on the carpet

- 1 Bedtime ZZzzZZZZZzZZzZZzz


Love,
Coffee
Bad at racing. Greyt at Retirement.

You say tomato...

Yesterday I got to go visit my friend Paula. She is very nice, but
leads a sad, sorry life – she does not have a dog. How does she survive?! All she gots is a fish (I nicknamed him “Fried”) and a cat, who is not worthy of me remembering his name.

Anyhoo… She has a beautiful tomato plant in her yard.

Actually, it was just a tomato vine. I don’t know where the red,
ripe, juicy, delicious tomatoes went.

*burp*

No idea.

*burp*

Maybe the cat ate it.

*burp*

Yes, it definitely was the cat.

*burp*

Bad Kitty!

Love,
Coffee

Run Away!

Lots of times in the mornings when mom getting ready for work, I
stand at the entrance to the bathroom and whine. Then she stick her
head out of the shower and say “Well what is it Coffee? Good morning
sweet girl!” And I ROO at her and wag my tail and smile. It a fun
game! Like Peek-a-Boo!

But this morning something terrible happen. A MONSTER in the shower
instead of mom. I do my usual whine and ROO from the bathroom
entrance... but instead of mom, a hideous beast come out of the
shower and say “Good Morning, Sweet Pea!”

I stare at it in stunned horror. What the heck is that thing?! The
creature gots a head of bubbles and a disgusting green face and it
dripping goo all over the floor. It so terrible!

Apparently it ate mom cause I don’t see her anywhere. I slink away
to hide in my crate until the monster go away. Too bad about mom,
but I gotta save myself from the shower beast.

Love,
Coffee

Note from Coffee’s mom: It was just a mud mask and shampoo suds. I
didn’t look that bad. Really. I’ve never seen a dog look quite so
appalled, though. She hid in her crate for a good half hour and didn't emerge until I picked up my purse to leave for work.

Ways to Confuse Mom, Edition 47 Chapter 83 Subsection a.

Leave one piece of kibble in your bowl. Just one. Do as usual and lick your bowl clean and eat every last molecule of food except that one kibble.

Mom will be confounded. She stand over the food bowl and stare at the kibble. She pick it up to see if something wrong with the kibble. She put it back down and stare at it some more. She finally throw the kibble away, only to have you leave one piece of kibble after the next meal.

Har Har Har Har! Do this for several meals in a row and mom be totally confused. Only leave one kibble though. Leaving too many might get you a visit to the vet.

It always good to keep mom on her toes.

Love,
Coffee

Coffee the Colorado Cowdog

This weekend I got to go to a farm. I never been to a farm before
and I put together a survival guide in case any of my pals go to one.

Horse – looks at you like you an idiot if you play bow to him. Snobby.

Chicken – Ferocious dog eating predator who will chase you around the
yard till you go hide behind mom. Makes lots of ominous clucking
noise and spits Feathers of Death. AVOID AT ALL COSTS.

Sheep – play bow to any of them and they run away in terror.
Apparently not very smart and need lots of herding.

Duck – fun to chase, but then he go run into the pond where I can’t
chase him. No matter how much I whine at him to come over here so I can chase him some more, he stay in the water.

Collie/Australian Shepherd Mix named Ollie – super fun! But he so
energetic! I poop out and he still running around like crazy.
Also, he like to herd things. By things I mean everything. That
fine, but I do not want to be herded. Do I look like a sheep?

Tumbleweed – very fun to chase, but don’t taste too good and smell
like dirt. And for the love of dog don’t try to pee on one. They
prickly.

Billy Goat – Probably a blind animal. Made weird “BAAA” noise then
head butted the fence. What that all about? Not worth play bowing
to.

Cow – Has no idea what a play bow is. Very Stupid. Says "MOO" a
lot. I told him it was "ROO" and not "MOO" but he didn't seem to
understand. I nickname him Whopper.

As you can see, this is an important survival guide for hounds on the
farm. I was so tired after my day of farming that I slept for ten
straight hours and didn’t even get up when mom opened the
refrigerator.

Love,
Coffee

Horrible Houseguest Harold the Humper

A neighbor came by today for a visit and she brought her dog Harold. I like most dogs, but not this one.

Harold yapped.

A lot.

He yapped at me. He yapped at mom. He yapped at the TV. He yapped at the yard. He yapped at the plants. He yapped at the air. He yapped at hisself. Yap Yap Yap.

To add insult to injury, he HUMPED MY MR. MOOSE STUFFIE.

I was a gracious hostess for about 2.5 minutes then I ran for cover. I went and hid in my crate. Too bad my crate don’t got a door on it anymore or I would have closed it on myself. Naturally, mom did what she always does in a crisis - she laughed. I bet she wouldn't think it was so funny if it was her belongings getting humped.

Mom say that apparently Harold humps cause he isn’t fixed. I coulda told her that. I know exactly what part of him is broken too. His brain. Maybe he was dropped as a puppy or something. His brain definitely need fixing. Humping Mr. Moose. Mr Moose is a MISTER and therefore should not be a hump-ee.

Between me running for cover and Harold the Humper humping, mom laugh so hard she cried.

Harold is officially disinvited to my house. And he can have Mr. Moose too, cause I don’t want him anymore.

Love,
Coffee
The Horrified Hound

*sniff* sniff sniff sniff* I AM NOT STINKY

Well, I got a whole bunch of Febreze collars and at first I was offended. I most certainly do not stink. Usually. Okay, sometimes I stink, but not often. And my pup pals are all over the world so certainly I couldn't stink for miles and miles and miles.

Then I went to see why all my pals were suddenly questioning my personal hygeine, and Lo and Behold... these Febreze collars are free to give out.

Cool-O!

I can totally afford that.

So lots of collars has more to do with my cheap friends than my odoriferous self.

Now excuse me while I go give Febreze collars to all my pals cause I am cheap too. Whoop Whoop!

Love,
Coffee
Generous with the free stuff

P.S.
Thanks to all my pals for the Febreze collars. They aren't free, they are priceless!

Coffeeee!!?? What are you doing?!

What do you mean “what am I doing?”

I’m wiping my nose on the dining room wall. Of course. Duh.

What does it look like I’m doing?

I gotta splain everything.

Love,
Coffee

I don't know who we're fighting, but I hope we win...

Hey mom! Here I am! By the door! Doing the Potty Dance! I gotta go!

Whew, thanks. Maybe I'll do a zoomie or two while I'm out here and... Hey? It smells funny out here. Like.. gunpowder? And smoke? And bar-be-que? Hhm. I hear kids playing and the neighbors talking. Things must be okay. I look back at you standing in the doorway, and you look calm, so I guess things are okay. Don’t like those smells though. I’ll just be extra cautious.

I’ll creeeeep along the deck and creeeeeeep down to into the yard… I’ll keep my ears straight up, my nose on alert and my tail tucked between my legs. I am not sure about this at all…

*Pppppssssssssssssssttttttt BOOM!*

HEY WHAT THE @#$! WAS THAT!?!?!?!?

Make Way! Retreaaat! I’m coming back in! Forget having to pee, I changed my mind! 45 mile per hour dash into the kitchen comin through! Get outta the way!

*pant pant pant* Whew... *pant pant pant* back in the house to safety *pant pant pant* Clearly we’re under attack! *pant pant pant* Guard your food and stuffies! *pant pant*

What do you mean “4th of July fireworks?” *pant* This holiday sucks. I’m going to spend the rest of it glued to your side or snuggly in my crate. I’ll pee tomorrow when it is safe. I can hold it. No way I'm going out there again until the hostilities cease or something.

Next Fourth of July we are visiting Canada. Why can't all holidays be like Thanksgiving?

Love,
Coffee

Rude

If you fling your stuffies over the fence, the dogs next door will NOT throw them back no matter how sadly you stand by the fence and whine about it.

Love,
Coffee

Sound Advice

Do not lock yourself in the bathroom. Your mom will have to dismantle the doorknob to get you out. (She will not be amused.)

Love,
Coffee

Fashion Faux Pas, and Another Date Bites the Dust

Hi Mom! Welcome back from your date! I sure hate being left alone so long on Saturday night. You were gone for hours and hours! I’m so happy to see you! Why are you looking at me like that? Why are you laughing? Your date is looking at me funny. Is he supposed to be turning that shade of red? I had a really nice time rummaging through the laundry basket while you were gone. I found this really cool hat. Do you like it? It fits my head perfectly.

What do you mean it’s not a hat? It’s a pair of underwear? YOUR UNDERWEAR??! Oh. Oops.

Hey? Where is your date going? They sure don’t seem to stay around very long do they? The last one you brought home ran off after I destroyed the crotch of my mailman stuffie in front of him. Wimp. Your dates sure scare off easy.

Good thing you got me for company cause this whole dating thing doesn’t seem to be something you’re very good at. We girls gotta stick together.

Love,
Coffee

Greyhound Catapult

Mom call it the new “rocking chair”, but I know better. It is a greyhound catapult.

I know this cause I jumped on it and got flung on the floor.

Love,
Coffee

Not. Funny.

It’s a new house, okay?

We only been here two months so I am still getting used to everything, so if I am in a deep sleep and the door bell rings and I get confused and run into the laundry room and bark excitedly at the washing machine it is NOT FUNNY.

I was confused.

And half asleep.

Shut Up. And Stop Laughing.

Love,
Coffee

Welcome mats - false advertising?

The mat in front of the door said WELCOME on it so of course it meant I was welcome to poop on it. Right? What else could it mean? I don’t see why you are so embarrassed.

Really, that new neighbor should consider it an honor.

Love,
Coffee
neighborhood welcoming committee

Musings on my Playtime

The early bird might get the worm, but the early greyhound gets yelled at.

In a completely unrelated note: Apparently my mom doesn’t want to play at 3:12am. Even if you squeak your loudest stuffie in her ear. She no fun at all.

Love,
Coffee
(If the early bird gets the worm, then the early worm just gets eaten, so maybe this phrase is stupider than I thought.)

P.S.
Thanks Dogster for putting me on diary central today. aaROO!

The Retrievers were particularly scandalized

Yesterday I went to daycare and confounded the staff by trying to catch the ball with my front paws.

Everybody at Pete and Macs loves me, and thinks I am a big goofball. I don't know what "a big goofball" is, but surely it means that I am intelligent, graceful and athletic.

When mom came to pick me up, she asked how I did and everybody just started laughing.

Love,
Coffee
Big Proud Goofball

Coffee - Apex Predator

Today on our walk, I spied something in the distance. My head went up and my tail went straight out at attention. My ears rose to catch the faintest sound in the wind. My nostrils flared as I caught the scent of my prey. One front paw was lifted regally off the ground, ready to run run run!

Mom started thinking about how beautiful greyhounds are, and how we are born predators and thousands of years of evolution and selective breeding have made us perfect hunters, and how we are trained from puppyhood to run prey to ground. How amazing greyhounds are, she thought. How wonderful, she marveled.

Then she realized that the prey I spotted was the neighbor’s garbage bin.

Oh well...

Love,
Coffee
Scourge of the Colorado Trash Can population

Studies in Puzzling Human Behavior Part IIIVXX

If you happen to see a big pile of ants and you happen to sniff a bunch of them up… whatever you do, DON’T sneeze them all over mom when she comes over to help.

Apparently humans do not like having their faces, clothes and hair adorned with snot covered ants.

I have no idea why.

I ate one off her shoulder and it tasted pretty good. I really don’t think all that shrieking and jumping around was necessary at all.

Love,
Coffee

Sweet Elvis (2004-2008)

I will miss you, my friend. You were everything anyone would want in a dog - loving, funny, intelligent and kind. You made us all proud.

I hope you are running fast and pain free at the bridge.

Love,
Coffee

Banned from E-470

No matter how much you want to greet the toll booth operator, do not wiggle past mom and step on the window controls.

The window rolls up, mom’s arm gets trapped, the money gets dropped and the lady in the toll booth is NOT AMUSED.

Love,
Coffee

Spring Tag!

I've been tagged by my pal Scooter!

It’s SPRING TAG, and I'm it!

Name Four Jobs You Have:
Couch Potato
Channel Surfer
Food Inhaler
Butt Sniffer

Name Four Places You Have Lived:
Racetrack in Tucson
Foster home in south Denver
Apartment in north Denver
My brand new house in Denver

Name Four Places You Have Been:
My cousin's house in the mountains
To see my favorite vet, Dr. Stacey
Daycare at Pete and Macs
My Coloado Greyhound Meet and Greet in Boulder

Name Four Places You Would Rather Be:
Only one place: I want to be with my mom wherever she is

Then name & tag four other dogsters that you would like to see answer these same questions.

I tagged:
Fred: http://www.dogster.com/dogs/414188
Ella: http://www.dogster.com/dogs/710533
Priscilla: http://www.dogster.com/dogs/573774
Finlay: http://www.dogster.com/dogs/404546

Thanks for playing!

Love your pal,
Coffee

Fired. Again.

We got two rugs delivered today at our new house. They much softer and more comfortable to lay on than the bamboo floors so I like them very much. I try to help mom out while she maneuvering them around the room, but I got SHOO’d away. Those rugs weigh 500 pounds so I don’t see why my laying on them (I am a slender 72 pounds) is a problem. Besides, I was supervising.

Also, she got a pretty paper lantern type lamp for the office. She assembling it when I come do my inspection. I got SHOO’d away again. Something about dripping snot all over the lamp and leaving wet nose prints on the paper.

I personally feel that adding “snart” to the lamp made it better, but apparently my opinion was not taken into consideration.

Love,
Coffee
Interior Design Expert

April WHAT?

So today, I hear somebody knock on the door, and mom excitedly say to me “Coffee! Who is it?!”

Being a good girl, plus I looooooooooove company - I run to the front door to see who it is. But nobody there. I even look out the window.

No visitor.

I hear the knock again. And mom say “Coffee! Where are they?!”

I whine and look all over for the person at the door but can’t find them! I so excited looking for my visitor!

Then I see mom got her hand over the side of the sofa and SHE the one knocking on the wall.

She laff and laff and laff and say “APRIL FOOLS, COFFEE!”

I think that not funny at all. Mom definitely not gonna get mom of the year this year either. Hrumph.

Love,
Coffee
Victim of the NOT FUNNY mom

I am a greyhound. It's my job.

What do you MEAN I can't chase the Easter Bunny?!?!?

Love,
Confused in Colorado

False Advertising

Dust Bunnies:

NOT ACTUAL BUNNIES.

Hrumph.

Love,
Coffee

TRANSLATION: Coffee barfed on the hallway carpet

While mom was figuring out how to decorate the house Feng Shui style I disrupted the chi by experiencing a disharmonious event in the area of the floor.

Love,
Coffee – Feng Shui Master

Are you kidding me!?!?!?

That was a smooshed, run over, snowed on, frozen, thawed, mashed Snickers candy bar on the ground. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO “LEAVE IT?” Those kinds of delicacies don’t happen everyday.

I hate LEAVE IT. It is my least favorite command.

Somebody call Animal Control cause this is clearly Coffee abuse.

I better be getting filet mignon for dinner or something for obeying that terrible command.

It is very tough to be me.

Love,
Coffee
The Snickers Deprived

My new yard

Saturday I got to see my new yard for the very first time. It perfect
for zoomies and for pooping, so I am very a happy girl. Although mom
took a picture of me pooping in my new yard. Clearly something very
wrong with her. Why she need a picture of me pooping? She crazy.

Love,

Coffee SweetPea Doodlebug Snooter Henderson

Hope Love and Elvis!

Pupper pals!!! Guess what?!? The family of Millie, Oliver, Bonnie Blue (sweet Angel), and Harvey Wallbanger have come up with the most fabulous and brilliant idea to celebrate, support, and show our unity for Elvis!

Grab this pic! Right-click! Save Picture / Image As! Upload it as YOUR main pic! Let's show Elvis and his pack just how much we love them, support them, are thinking of them, and are hoping for the best!

Let's unite and give Elvis and his pack the best kind of love there is... Dogster love! Let's try for Sunday, and if not, then by Monday, to have Elvis as our primary pic!

========================
I totally plagerized what whole pawmail part to splain why my main pic isn't of me. In fact, I'm looking a little Beezer! Har Har!

I show my support for my pal Elvis. We love you Elvis!

Love,
Coffee

Mystery Boxes

My apartment getting filled up with boxes.

So far, I play bowed to the boxes but they no want to play. I nibble on the boxes, but mom tell me to “LEAVE IT.” (For those of you who don’t know what “LEAVE IT” means, I translate it to “Get away from the interesting stuff and come over where it is boring.”) I try to nap on a flattened box, but it still pointy and slippery and not comfortable at all. I try to sniff inside one, but it tip over on top of me.

Boxes is very confusing. At least mom is packing up all her books and putting them in the boxes. It is about time. She gots tons of books, and not a single one tastes any good at all.

Love,
Coffee

Elvis

Mom and I been so sad to read about our pal Elvis (http://www.dogster.com/dogs/338423) and how he just not getting better like he should.

Stop by his page and see this special boy.

Love,
Coffee

More Overrated Things: Opposable Thumbs

Today on our walk, my mom had the following conversation with an idiot:

The idiot point to me and say “What is THAT?!”

My mom “What? Oh. She is a retired racing greyhound. Her name is Coffee.”

“Oh. I thought it was a tiger.”

To recap: I was called an “it” and then mistaken for a large cat.

Clearly humans not as smart as I thought.

Love,
Coffee

Worst. Present. Ever.

Today for Valentine’s Day mom got me a pretty, fuzzy, pink heart
stuffie. I happily accepted it and trotted it over to my bed to
play.

THEN IT HAPPENED. The pretty pink heart stuffie SANG A SONG. It was
awful. I looked at it in complete horror and ran over to hide behind
mom.

Naturally, mom just laughing and laughing. Apparently her survival
instincts not so good or something. Really, she shoulda killed the
evil stuffie with a club or a bat or something.

Squeakers I love. Grunters I adore. Tooters and tweeters and
whistlers and even screaming monkeys send me into joyous playing.

But not this. It finally, finally, finally shut up, and after about
15 minutes I sneak over to sniff at it. I like the nice handle on it
and the fuzzy pinkness of it. Maybe it not so bad. I try to gently
pick it up, and it START SINGING AGAIN! I drop it and run for cover.

No more singing stuffies for me! Squeakers only please. I
definitely not a fan of Valentines Day if I get assaulted by my own
stuffie.

Love,
Coffee

Stupid Human Rules Edition XVIII

What do you mean "Don't eat the yellow snow."

It's the best kind! Ugghh!

Drive By Barking

To the terrier who drive by in the SUV and barked insults at me today
on my walk: YOU ARE RUDE.

You know nothing bout my ancestry, character or personal hygiene
habits. Plus, I was POOPING. I didn’t have time to finish my um...
business and think up an appropriate rebuttal.

Jerk.

P.S.
You nothing but a barking rabbit to me. Talk to the paw.

Perspective

Less enlightened people might call it "destroying the shrubbery." I call it
"X-Treme Peeing."

Love,
Coffee

Mistaken Identities

Hey? HEY!

IT’SARABBIT IT’SARABBIT IT’SARABBIT IT’SARABBIT IT’SARABBIT IT’SARABBIT IT’SARABBIT IT’SARABBIT IT’SARABBIT IT’SARABBIT IT’SARABBIT!!

Oh. It’s just a lump of melting, dirty snow.

My bad.

Dog of the Day!

Well, I didn't win when I was a professional racing greyhound, but I am a WINNER on Dogster! I have had so much fun being Dog of the Day and getting to meet so many new pals. What cool doggies you all are.

Thanks everybody for the pawmails, rosettes, stars and special gifts. Thank you thank you thank you.

Happy Howlidays!

Love,
Coffee
(and mom Susan)

Coffee's Letter to Santa - Take 4

Dear Santa,

I can explain.

Love,
Coffee

FORGOTTEN DOG'S CHRISTMAS

FORGOTTEN DOG'S CHRISTMAS
Author unknown

Twas the nite before Christmas when all thru the house
Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that St. Nick soon would be there.

The children all nestled all snug in their beds
With no thought of the dog filling their heads.
And mamma in her kerchief and I in my cap
Knew the dog was cold, but didn't care about that.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash
Figuring the dog was free of his chain and into the trash.

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
gave the luster of mid-day to objects below.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But Santa Clause with eyes full of tears.

He unchained the dog once so lively and quick
Last year's Christmas present now painfully sick.
More rapid than eagles he called the dog's name
and the dog ran to him despite all his pain.

Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer and Vixen
On Comet on Cupid on Donner and Blitzen.
To the top of the porch to the top of the wall
Let's find this dog a home where he will be loved by all.

I knew in an instant there would be no gifts this year
For Santa had made one thing quite clear.
The gift of a dog is not just for the season
We had gotten the dog for all the wrong reasons.

In our haste to think of the kids a gift
There was one important thing we missed
A dog should be family, and cared for the same
You don't give a gift, then put it on a chain.

And I heard him explain as he rode out of site,
"You weren't given a gift, you were given a life."

Coffee's Letter to Santa - Take 3

Dear Santa,

Did you even read my letter last year?

Love,
Coffee

P.S.
I am still waiting on my pet rabbit.

Etiquette 101

When your nice neighbor comes over to give an ear
scritch and tells you what a pretty girl you are, apparently the
appropriate response is not to look deeply and lovingly into his eyes
and BURP.

I not sure why.

Human rules is confusing.

Love,
Coffee

P.S.
You don't think Santa will hold it against me do you? It just a minor
faux pas. Definitely not naughty. Right?

Coffee's letter to Santa - Take 2

Dear Santa,

I DIDN'T DO IT.

Love,
Coffee

Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Define "good."

Love,
Coffee

Can I have some fries with that art?

If you gonna open a ketchup packet, you probably should NOT stand on it and rip it open at the same time. Cause then it tear open and ppppffftt! Squirt up your nose. Lucky thing ketchup is tasty! Also good bout ketchup is that you can then make pretty tomatoey greyhound nose and paw art on the windows, walls and floors.

For some reason Mom not too pleased with my redecorating. I think maybe I an artist before my time.

Love,
Coffee la Artiste

Greyhound Math

1 Wedge of gourmet Guinness Cheddar Cheese + 1 Tall Greyhound + 1 Short Table = 1 Very Happy Greyhound and 5 Very Sad People

Mystery Treats

Somebody left me treats. I smelled them, looked up, and there they
were – hanging from the tree. Pine cones filled with peanut butter
and birdseed and boy were they tasty. Thank you for the treats
mystery person, but next time don’t hang them quite so high. I had
to climb the tree to get at them, and mom sure not helping.
(Sometimes she on the other end of the leash like an anchor when I
trying to go someplace fun.)

Anyway… a bunch of birds was under the impression that the treat
was for them, but mom scared them off when she started
shouting “Don’t Eat The Pine Cone! No Coffeeeee!!! Drop It!
Nooooo!!!” Clearly she didn’t want the birds eating my treat
either. Thanks Mom!

Love,
Coffee *burp*

P.S.
Don’t tell Dr. Stacey I ate parts of two pinecones. I supposed to
be on soft food since my teeth pulling operation and probably pine
cones not qualify. Har Har!

A Note to the Humans:

If your canine best friend has to get a tooth pulled, and gets a double dose of
morphine, and is a little bit dopey as it wears off and has lost
control of her tongue and can’t even feel her face and accidentally
potties on her own foot and falls asleep with her butt half on and
half off of the bed ... Laughing is NOT polite, nor is it appreciated.

Love,
Coffee

sniff sniff sniff HEY!? What the...

My neighbor gots a new orange and black welcome mat that I never
seen before. It smelled kinda funny and had a picture of a black
cat on it.

Definitely worth investigating, so I went over to sniff it. Then
with no warning it attack!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAH HAPPY HALLOoOoOOOOoWEeeEEeEeeEN!
WoooOoOoOoOoOOoOoOoooooOOoOoOOooOoOOOOooOooOOOOOooooOoo!

Well, Cindy the Soaring greyhound gots nothing on me. I pretty sure
I jump up so high I coulda hit my head on the ceiling.

I ran over to hide behind mom and softly “burfed” at the offending
welcome mat – I didn’t really want to make it mad so no growling or
rooing. Just a “burf” to let it know I was onto it’s devious plan
and was watching it closely.

As usual when these traumatic things happen, mom just laugh and
laugh and laugh. Clearly mom NOT gonna get nominated for Mom of the
Year Award.

Love,
Coffee

Lessons learned the hard way.

I learn lots of important stuff that I gotta share with other hounds.

Lesson # 1 – Do not try to climb up on a rolling office chair if it sitting on a hard surface. The resulting high speed sprawl is very undignified.

Lesson # 2 – When mom say “Leave It” as you about to sniff the green paint they using to paint the exterior of the apartment complex… obey immediately. Trying to get in one quick sniff causes you to become COFFEE THE GREEN NOSED GREYHOUND. To add insult to injury, you end up getting a bath.

Lesson # 3 – Don’t circle more than five times while figuring out the perfect place to poop. You’ll forget what you were doing and completely lose focu… hey is that a rabbit?

Lesson # 4 - A doorbell ringing on TV does not need to cause a 40 mile per hour sprint to the front door to happily await a visitor. One is not coming.

These is the things I learned this week.

Love,
Coffee

Coffee, the Thieving... Snippet??!

I love Garbage Day! It happen three times each week when all the
neighbors put bags of trash out by the curb for me to explore. On
Garbage Day mom know our morning walk will take twice as long so I
can poke my snooter in every bag we pass.

This morning, I smelling a particularly interesting bag (kitty
litter, pizza crusts, diapers and BBQ wing bones yum!) when I stick
my needle nose through the red cinch tie. Mom look over and there I
am, trying to walk off with a giant white trash bag dangling from my
neck.

She laff and laff and say “Coffee, you crazy! We got enough trash!
You don’t need to steal anyone else’s.”

While she disentangling me from my precious trash bag, a neighbor
walk by, see us, and come right over.

“I heard of dogs like this.” He say while looking at me. “They
called Snippets, and I hear they really great pets.”

Well, mom figure he probably mean “Whippet” but the man so excited
to finally meet a Snippet she didn’t have the heart to correct him.
He giving me a world class ear scritch and telling me how pretty I
am, so I not about to correct him either! I just enjoy the scritch
and try to look as Snippet-like as possible.

All in all, it not a bad start to the day.

Love,
Coffee - Junior Garbage Collector

**** Note from Coffee’s mom – the cinch tie was already tightened
on the bag and was never a strangulation danger to Coffee and her
nosy nose, but I’m lucky it didn’t startle her and make her bolt.
We’ll be avoiding them in the future. :-)

New Better Bad Idea

It a bad idea to chase the windshield wipers. I heard. From a friend. Not like I tried it. Or anything.

Love,
Coffee the good girl
(That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.)

Terriblest Awfulest thing EVER

I have a hole. It my favorite hole and it go deep in the ground. I
didn’t dig it, but I love it anyway. It is the perfect hole. I get
to see it when we walk a particular path. I sniff it and stick my
head in it. Sometimes I put my entire shoulders and front legs in
it, and once when it was slippery I even fell in it. I love my
hole. It smell like earth and rabbits and grass and mold and
insects. Mom knows that when we see my hole we gotta stop for at
least 5 minutes so I can explore my beloved hole.

Now some meany person gone and put a tree stump in my hole. I saw
it yesterday and howled a loud, long and mournful
AaaahHhHrrRROooOOOoo!!! I sniff at the stump but it nowhere near as
exciting as my hole. I never dug anything in my life, but I tried
to dig out the intruding stump. It no budge. My poor, poor hole.

Mom felt so sorry for me that she make me a banana and peanut butter
popsicle (yum!) and give me a long tummy rub when we get home.

I feeling better now, but I sure miss my hole.

Love,
Coffee

Big, Scary, Ferocious Monster

The awful monster is gone! He terrorize me on our walks and was
always barking insulting things about my character, appearance and
ancestry. Mom had to tell him "NO! GET BACK!" and protect me so he
wouldn't hurt me. Even my brave pal Ajax, the 110 pound Rottweiler
scared of the monster, too. We trample each other trying to hide
behind our moms when we see him. I glad the scary monster gone!

Love,
Coffee

( Coffee's mom's translation: the two pound Chihuahua next door moved
out. )

Not so ladylike

I been using my new, pretty ceramic and wrought iron dog bowls for 5 days now. Mom say they look very decorative in the kitchen instead of the ugly plastic and stainless steel I was using.

Unfortunately, mom miscalculated how enthusiastic I am about my food.

Sunday I knock my bowls off the stand and make a big CRASH! I snuffle up all the food like a vacuum cleaner, but the 2 quarts of water made a great big mess all over the floor.

Now this morning I knock my bowls off again then kick over the stand for good measure. So fun! I roll the bowls around the floor with my nose and play in the spilled water. It like a water slide in the kitchen! Wheee!

Mom had to clean it all up. While she cleaning, I roll the water bowl over and hide it under the recliner. Then she gotta look for it all over the place. Har Har!

Mom see me licking the upside down bottom of my food bowl and tell me that I so crazy. She probably woulda thought it funny if it all hadn’t happened at 4:45am while we getting ready for work. (Note: 4:45am is mom’s LEAST favorite time to play for some reason. Her sense of humor don’t wake up until after 9:00am.)

Anyway… now I got my ugly plastic stand and stainless steel bowls back and mom gonna donate the pretty ones to the Colorado Greyhound Adoption silent auction at this year's picnic. She say that surely there greyhounds out there that eat more dainty than me. I not sure what a “stevedore” is but apparently I eat like one.

Love,
Coffee

My New Name?

Apparently I got a new name. It is "OhMyGodOhMyGodDropItDropItDropItDropItNOWBADDOG!"

This puzzling name change occurred when I picked up mom's favorite Calvin & Hobbes Collectors Edition hardcover boxed set, book#1.

Sheesh, I was just gonna read it. Calvin did some great naughties. I was gonna get some ideas. (Guess I really don't need the inspiration after all.)

Love,
OhMyGodOhMyGodDropItDropItNOWBADDOG
The greyhound formerly known as Coffee

Attack of the vicious dog eating trash can

No matter how yummy the trash can smells, and no matter how cool it is to discover you can step on the pedal and make the top flip open… if you stick your head in to check it out, the TRASH CAN WILL EAT YOUR HEAD. This will cause you to yelp and your mom to snicker very unsympathetically and say something about curiosity killing the cat, which don’t seem relevant at all. Unless she calling me a cat, which she better not be cause thems fightin' words.

To sum it up: yesterday I got attacked by a vicious dog eating trash can and got insulted by my very own mom.

Mondays is rough.

Love,
Coffee SweetPea Doodlebug Snooter Henderson

I've been love tagged!

My naughty pup buddy Hope honored me by Love Taggin me! Woohoo! It's a new Dogster game -- "You Are Loved!"

You pick three Dogsters who you think are fantastic and tell a little about why! Don't forget to let them know how much they are loved with a pawmail, star or a rosette.

I gots so many cool pals, it so tough to choose just three!

1. Lucky, cause she a pretty brindle girl like me who had a rough time on her way to a happy, lazy retirement.

2. Colyn, cause he have a funny diary, and he make his humans laff and laff just like I do mine.

3. Malcolm MacGreygor cause he my best bud. He taught me how to use the computer and introduced me to Dogster.

Love,

Coffee

Coffee's Punishment

I will not stick my head out the car window and sneeze so big that I
blow snot down the side of my mom’s freshly washed car.

I will not stick my head out the car window and sneeze so big that I
blow snot down the side of my mom’s freshly washed car.

I will not stick my head out the car window and sneeze so big that I
blow snot down the side of my mom’s freshly washed car.

(Note: I could have blown my nose on the back of mom’s head while
she driving, but I did not. She is not viewing this incident from
the proper perspective.)

I will not stick my head out the car window and sneeze so big that I
blow snot down the side of my mom’s freshly washed car.

I will not stick my head out the car window and sneeze so big that I
blow snot down the side of my mom’s freshly washed car.

I will not stick my head out the car window and sneeze so big that I
blow snot down the side of my mom’s freshly washed car.

I will not stick my head out the car window and sneeze so big that I
blow snot down the side of my mom’s freshly washed car.

I will not stick my head out the car window…

Final Score: Coffee 1. Potential Boyfriend 0.

This weekend mom brought something home called a "date." His name
Jeff. Apparently the purpose of this "date" is for the people to
talk, eat, watch a movie and completely ignore me.

I not a fan of this "date" business.

I spent the evening chewing on the crotch of my Mailman stuffie.
This made the "date" very nervous, so I proceeded to violently
disembowel my Mailman stuffie on the family room floor. I started
at the crotch and ended with stuffing and squeaker carnage scattered
everywhere.

On his way out I even manage to give the "date" a well aimed head-
butt. He ran out the door at a speed even a greyhound would
admire. (He moved quick for a guy holding his hands in front of
sensitive bits of his anatomy.) Har Har!

I don't think he gonna be back.

Good thing mom got me - we girls gotta stick together!

Love,
Coffee SweetPea Doodlebug Snooter Henderson

What I learned today:

No matter how good you are all day long, if you eat something vaguely
inedible and barf it up on the family room carpet, your mom does NOT
want a kiss from you immediately afterward. In fact, she
screech “EWWWW! GROSS!” and rudely push you away.

I found the whole incident rather insulting, really.

Love,
Coffee

Never Ever Ever...

... Try to poop on the side of a hill when it raining. The grass get
slippery, you slide down the embankment on your face, get a nose full
of mud, and drag your pretty yellow raincoat through your own poop.

I’ve had a Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Rainy Day.

Love,
Poor Coffee

ATTACK DANDELIONS!

I discover a scary new thing that all dogs should avoid! They
called DANDEEEELIONS. I see one Sunday when we taking a walk. It
waving in the breeze and look like it maybe a tiny rabbit. I gotta
go investigate! I get real close, and give it a big SNIFF.

THEN IT ATTACK!

White fuzzies go all up my nose. I sneeze and sneeze and sneeze and
hack and gasp and cough and snort and wheeze. It so terrible!

So I warn all dogs - avoid the dandeeeeelions. Now I walk
around them very carefully and keep an eye on them in case they
attack again. Dandeeelions is very ferocious!

Love,
Coffee

Naughty, naughty Coffee!

I am getting so good at being naughty! Now I naughty at the dog park. I love going to the dog park! I got to run around really fast and play with the other dogs. I met a handsome Bernese Mountain dog named Bernie, and his human, Pam. She was throwing the ball. Bernie would chase the ball and I would chase Bernie. I always catch him and nibble his bottom. It so fun! Pam think we funny and give us Milk Bones. Yum! One time, Bernie's mom leaned down to pick up the ball and I stuck my needle nose in her pocket to help myself to the Milk Bones. Then she stand up. Unfortunately, her pants not
stand up with her. She there in the middle of the dog park with her pants at her ankles and my needle nose caught in the pocket. Har Har
Har! Lucky for me she laugh and push my snout away so she could pull up her pants.

My mom very embarrassed. She apologize to Pam over and over and over. I don't see why mom so embarrassed. Pam was wearing very pretty flowery underpants and all.

Love,
Coffee

P.S.
Mom say that if I ever pull down her pants in public she gonna trade me in for a cat! She kidding, right?

I hate my pink feather boa.

It itches. It makes me sneeze. It is the color of Pepto Bismol. It makes me look like Ethel Merman.

My cousins, Aiko and Rosco, are laughing at me. THEY don't gotta wear feather boas. It won't come off even when I scratch at it or when I scrape it along the wall.

As soon as mom's back is turned I am going to shred the loathsome pink monstrosity. How could she do this to me!?

Coffee the Grumpy and Sulking

Weird Noise Investigation

Funny thing that happen today was I was napping on my bed and I heard a strange noise. It came from right behind me so I turn around to investigate. I can't find what made the noise. I stand up and look behind my dog bed. Maybe under the cushion? Still no noise making thing. I look at mom and she LAUGHING. She say "Coffee, you farted! That noise was YOU!" She laughing so hard tears coming out of her eyes.

Humans. Ugh. She no help, so I continue my investigation.

Whatever made the strange noise also made a stink so bad I had to leave the room. I scowl at mom as I leave cause she should do something about that terrible smell.

Mom laugh even harder and tell me she can't believe I leaving her there to asphyxiate alone.

It has been a confusing day with the mystery farting thing.

Love,
Coffee

My new toy - the maintenance man and the ladder

I got two great new toys today! One is called a "maintenance man" and the other is called a "ladder." The maintenance man came over and gave me a wonderful ear scritch and told me how pretty I am. When mom went to put me in my crate so I wouldn't get in the way, the maintenance man said no, he didn't mind me sniffing around and watching what he was doing. I laid quietly at the foot of the ladder looking up at him adoringly until mom left the room to get the telephone. As soon as she leave, I scramble up the ladder and poked my needle nose at the maintenance man's bottom. He was so excited to play with me that he fell off. I ran to him on the floor and ROOed at him real loud. I smiled at him, sat on his arm and sniffled in his pocket to see if he had treats. I stepped on his belly and whacked him in the head with my tail. He just laugh and laugh and laugh. He SO FUN! Mom ran in and was really worried. She kept saying she was sorry to the maintenance man. (I don't know why she doing that. We just having fun!) The maintenance man say he still love me and I now his favorite resident. He say he didn't know greyhounds so friendly!

I love the maintenance man and the ladder. I think all greyhounds should get one to play with. Mom must love the maintenance man too, because she gave him a beer when he left.

Apartment Maintenance Assistant Coffee

Counter Surfing

I tried to grab my leash yesterday from on top of the counter. It slid off and I got bonked on the head with my own collar. Mom laugh and ask me if I think I gonna take myself on a walk. Well of course! Broomfield laws say dogs gotta be on a leash, but it don't say who have to be holding the leash.

Carpe Steakum! "Seize the Steak!"

Coffee SweetPea Snooter Doodlebug Don'tEatThat

Heeerrrooo!

I so happy to have my own webpage. I not only a Greyhound, but also Attentionhound and Chowhound. I very talented that way. Mom say I deserve my own webpage and I say RooHoo!

I like Colorado and even learning to like the snow, now that I figured out how to potty in it without getting a cold bottom. I still figuring out how to potty on ice without my gangly legs going all over, though. And how to potty in high winds without spray pottying on mom's shoe. There lots to figure out. I try to play with a snowman, but he no play back. He just stand there in ugly hat. I ignore him next time. He no fun.

I guess that's all for now. Setting up website is tough work. I will run 40 miles per hour to my bed for a power nap.

Love
Coffee

P.S.
Don't sniff a branch full of snow if it above your head. I find out that all the snow fall in your ears when branch jiggles. Mom no help, either - she just laugh and laugh.