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"My pal Steve took this picture featuring my nose. Clearly a nose like mine deserves to be seen up close. I might have got boogers on his camera. Oopsie..."
"Lounging in my favorite corner"
"I WANT TREATS NOW!!!"
"As you can see, I am graceful and dignified at all times."
"I got it I got it I got it!"
"Well of course I'm helping arrange the rug. What do you mean "in the way?""
Likes: Naps, Playing, Naps, Running, Naps, Treats, Naps, Ear Scritches, Naps, Playtime, Naps, Walks, Naps, Obnoxiously Loud Squeaky Toys, Naps, The Food Network, Naps, Belly Rubs, Naps and umm... Naps.
Pet-Peeves: When mom won't let me explore every ditch, sewer grate, drainage pipe and hole in the ground with my needle nose. (Okay, so I did fall in one time.) I also did not like trying to potty in 3 feet of snow. By bottom got cold.
Favorite Toy: Anything that squeaks, grunts, toots and is loud, Loud, LOUD!
Favorite Food: If it fits in my mouth and it isn't going to eat me first, I like it!
Favorite Walk: Between the food bowl and the couch.
Best Tricks: Outsmarting mom. I'm also excellent at "Sit" and "Not Stay."
Arrival Story: I met my mom on May 28, 2006. I'd met other people and she'd met other greyhounds, but it was love at first sight for us! She thought she wanted a petit, solid colored, male greyhound... I showed her how much fun a big, brindle girl is! Heeheehee!
Bio: I used to race on a racetrack with lots of other greyhounds in Arizona. I love to run, but I really just wanted to play with the other dogs instead. I tried and tried to go fast, but I always lost. When Colorado Greyhound Adoption got me, I was malnourished, 30 pounds underweight, and very, very sick from eating sand. I had to go to the hospital and get operated on. I had to take lots of pills and get poked with big needles. I was a very sad girl. My guardian angels were my foster moms. They cleaned up after me when I got sick. They didn't even get mad at me for making big, stinky messes all over their house and car when I had tummy problems. They showed me that life isn't such a sad, scary place. They introduced me to my heart mom and now I am happy in my forever home. I finally won!
Forums Motto: You gonna eat that?
How I got my name: Everybody want to know how I got my name so I gonna add this to my profile. My racing name was Just Az Carefree, and I went by Carefree. I didn't mind it, but when mom brought me to my forever home she explained that Carefree was a type of maxi pad. I was horrified! I did not want to be named after a maxi pad!!! So we took a vote and changed it to Coffee. It's kinda close so I didn't have trouble learning my new name, but it didn't sound like a feminine hygiene product. I like being Coffee much better.
System Specifications
• Available in a variety of colors and sizes
• More silent operation than other DOG models
• User Friendly
• Ergonomic
• Portable
• Highly accurate Dual Video
• Efficient energy usage using INPUT Port and OUTPUT port. (Required hardware – POOP_BAG.sys)
• Automatically reverts to Energy Saving Standby Mode when not in use
• WALK, RUN, and ADVANCED NAP features.
• Manufactured by BROODMAMA (Makers of Many DOGs)
Transportation
• Failure to properly transport a DOG unit may result in loss or damage to the unit and serious injury to the user.
Installation Procedures
• If the user already has a DOG unit successfully installed in the HOME port, it may be possible to download BASIC routines from the old unit to the new unit. For the first day or two, DOG will stay in self-learning mode. When the learn buffer overflows, the DOG will autorun the sleep() routine. This is normal. The ROAM chips will write the new information to permanent memory. After 72 hours, the DOG will be interacting with the operating environment.
• If all basic environment requirements are satisfied, the DOG system will autodisplay HAPPYTAIL. This is normal. If environment requirements are not satisfied, the system may emit a series of prolonged high decibel whines.
• DOG units are operational in all 3-D axis: 45 mph, eating, or asleep mode. The Greyhound 2.0 operates best in sleep mode.
• The unit may be placed in direct sunlight for short periods of time. Do not exceed 85 F without the WATERBOWL app..
• A new DOG should not solo exit the primary site facility. The advantages are cleaner operation, longer unit life, and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate DOG units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with virus infected DOGs may lead to bug infestation. If allowed to exit, some DOG units may try to port across heavy data traffic. Nonrecoverable fatal errors may occur. However, DOG units can autosearch independently if yard has installed a FENCE program.
• If you decide to let your DOG out, it should have a TAG_COLLAR.TXT file with a system address and URL which identifies the host site and system administrator.
• Your DOG should have a system name. The name may need to be initialized repeatedly until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Advanced system operators have successfully installed dozens of voice commands.
• You can also get the DOG's attention by booting the system. While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will abuse or damage the system.
Applications
In contrast to CAT units, there are many productivity applications for DOGs. Units are installed in home, home office, industrial, and farm settings. DOGs have even been sent into space.
• GUARD: The DOG unit will auto-deploy BARK and BYTE routines. If three or more K9 units are activated, an unwanted, endless BARK feedback loop may occur. This is not available for the Greyhound 2.0 operating system as the Greyhound model overwrites all GUARD applications with NAP applications. If you are interested in GUARD applications, you may want to purchase a GERMAN_SHEPHERD system instead.
• SEARCH: K9 units can search/find random data to find hits. Searches frequently obtain important data such as SQUIRREL.DOC, RABBIT.EXL or CAT.TXT.
• SORT: The K9 can use SORT and GUARD to regulate FAMILY units. BORDER_COLLIE can SORT and GUARD SHEEP units.
• RUN: DOG units, especially the Greyhound 2.0 perform optimally in RUN mode. This is upgraded to DAAAAAARNFAST on all Greyhound 2.0 models.
Many owners use their system for game playing. DOGs play best when they are young. Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some DOG games are:
• CACHE: The DOG will CACHE a data object.
• JUMP: Move the data object through the air. The DOG unit will reach new heights of operation. This can be terminated with the voice command DOWN. Best used with RETRIEVER operating systems.
• MIRROR: Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.
• CHASE: Played between two DOG units or with a CAT unit. Units take turns as one is the data object and the other attempts to CACHE it.
• ROO: Offer audio data to elicit a range of audio output. Exclusive to Greyhound 2.0 models.
Maintenance
• DOGs will self-recharge. For the Greyhound 2.0 model this takes 19 hours in a 24 hour cycle.
• DOGs require little user maintenance. Do not clean the unit with alcohol.
• Your DOG unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive Technician) for a system checkup.
• Do not attempt to open a DOG. There are no user serviceable parts inside. If a unit emits strange smells, sounds or evacuates data via the input port, it should be serviced immediately by a VET.
• You may examine the rear of the DOG unit to determine if it has a male or female port. DOGs with a male port may result in unwanted copies. VET can remove this optional item. DOGs with female ports are plagued by periodic heating problems. VET can fix this permanently by removing an internal part. Such systems run UNIX.
Warning Notices
• DOG systems are user-friendly. However, in certain documented situations, a DOG may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or obstruction of Input or Output ports may lead to deployment of auto-defense systems. Do not pull its "tail." DOG may BYTE.
• Never attempt a first strike on a DOG system. You can't outrun it. The VISEGRIP ™ byte device has an average seek rate (ASR) of 30 milliseconds. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the user (Note from our attorneys: The Supreme Court issued a ruling in End-User vs DOG that can be summed up under the legal principle "Every DOG is allowed one BYTE.")
• Never attempt to interface with the BATH application. This may lead to water damage for the end-user and HOME port.
Service Life
• As DOGs become older, the learn program will recognize all situations.
• If you properly care for your DOG, it will give you years of loyal service.
• Many users get a second unit. Most users don't need the extra capacity, but multiple units enable the ability to run complex games.
Documented Problems
• The Ctrl key on some DOG units is defective. This may lead to serious performance problems.
• Do not install a new CAT unit at a site which has an operational DOG unit. These systems are not compatible. The CAT unit may be permanently deleted.
System Features
• Models = Main frame (ex: GREAT_DANE), desktop (ex: GREYHOUND) laptop (ex: TERRIER) and handheld (CHIHUAHUA) models.
• Interface = Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness.
• Memory = Not much, but can be highly selective depending on nature of data.
• Expected Lifetime = 12-14 years.
• Weight = 60-85+ pounds without optional features or add ons.
• Speed = up to 45 miles per hour for short periods of time
• Color Graphics = Wide variety of solid or mixed colors.
• Sound Chip = 2 octaves, digital MIDI output through internal woofer speakers.
• Power Consumption = 3.5 cups protein daily depending on size of unit and energy output. Increased performance when used with TREATS.
(Note: the dog user manual idea came from another website. I shortened it and changed quite a bit to suit my own sense of humor and greyhounds, but felt it was appropriate to attribute the really funny concept. http://andreas.com/blog.html. Enjoy!)
So, yesterday when mom was brushing me, she noticed that my back leg was all scraped up. And the scrapes had torn skin and had deep punctures so it was beyond the abilities of our little home first aid kit. I wasn’t whining, or limping or even bleeding. In fact, I had just done zoomies in the back yard despite the fact that I had definitely done the damage to myself at least a few hours ago! Maybe even days!
Mom drove me fast fast to Caring Hands Veterinary Hospital.
Although I love all the doctors and staff there and they definitely love me back, I still had to get knocked out and sewn shut. Dr Stacey was busy in surgery with another hurt puppy dog, but Dr Henry was available and got me fixed right up. I did lots of panting and shivering and crying. I hate anesthesia. It was so tough and it makes me so confused when I wake up. But I am a brave girl, and I got through it.
Mom… on the other hand… not so much.
While I was in surgery, she went to the store and stocked up on all kinds of goodies for me – ground beef, Frosty Paws, bananas, peanut butter… all the emergency supplies I might need for my convalescence. Then she went home and exacted her revenge on all the shrubbery in the back yard that could have attacked me. It was ugly. It was carnage. Now there are no sharp points on any of the greenery anywhere. I guess I’m lucky she didn’t just set it on fire, cover it in safety bumpers and encase me in bubble wrap.
When we got home, I just wanted to hang out in my crate, but mom was just sure I was thirsty. She put water bowls outside my crate and beside every bed just in case I forgot where my water bowl was. (Duh!) And she stayed in the same room with me to make sure I was okay. She even watched me breathe in case I forgot to and stopped.
She was all up in my business ALL NIGHT!
Please, woman, I am just trying to snooze after a tough day!!
Anyways… I am happy to report that I took all my pills this morning, had a nice firm poopie and am drinking lots of water. My pretty pink leg bandage even matches my pink pirate collar. The techs at Caring Hands know I like to be fashionable at all times and they even drew a pirate on my pink leg bandage! Best of all, mom seems to have herself under control. I am getting scritches and treats and have shown no interest in chewing or bothering my bandage.
Now I am going to relax today and enjoy my pain meds.
Love,
Coffee
P.S.
If any of you have advice on how to deal with a less than cool mom, let me know. Maybe there is a medication for her. Maybe I’ll get her some DAP.
DOORBELL! Woohoo! Lets go get it! Who’s there!? Maybe it’s Aunt Kay or Aunt Naomi! Interesting people always show up after the doorbell rings. OOOOOh I love the doorbell… hey. Hey?
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