I don't like you

Did I mention that we have a pet turtle at home?

The human call it the fly river turtle or the river fly turtle or whatever it is. How can a turtle fly anyway? But if by some miracle it can really fly back to some river it belongs to I will be more than happy to help it on its way. Hmmph.

Personally I think that my breed sounds so much cooler. Miniature Pinscher, King of the Toy Dogs. Ain't that such a purty title? I certainly think so.

Definitely cooler than some stalwart turtle who keeps trying to take my humans' attentions from me, at the very least. Do you know that at least once a week, the slimy reptile would make them clean his tank? Then they would adoringly carry him outside to the open where he can roam about freely while I, I am locked in the house and not allowed to go out at all! How unfair is that?!!

...

Ok, granted that I tried to bite him one or two or ten times but he was in my territory! I am a great, noble, handsome King, I must defend my lands from ugly creatures like them, shouldn't I? I don't understand what the big fuss is about actually, I didn't even really bite him or anything, just trying to scare him but the galling thing is that I don't think I even managed to intimidate him!

This is humiliating. And now here I am, stewing in my basket as my humans blatantly ignore me (this is too much, I tell you) and go about seeing to that blasted reptile's every need!

Grr.

I don't like you, fly river turtle or river fly turtle or whatever your mama calls you.

I don't like you at all.

You better watch out coz one day I am going to sell you to a Chinese restaurant where they are going to make turtle soup out of you, hah! See how you will try to invade my family then!

Until then, I will bide my time and wait and plot and beg for treats and eat the treats and yum...

Aherm.

Anyway, I will wait! Just you see, I will prevail!! Hah!

That Cat.

I hate cats.

Have I mentioned before that I hate cats? Well, I really do. I cannot stand the fact that they make those disgusting mewing noises that my human seem to find oh-so-very charming. I cannot stand how they always seem to notice me bef0re I do them. I especially hate the way they would arch their backs and hiss at me whenever I near them. It makes me go into a frenzy, and ok, I admit I normally don't feel very friendly at those moments either, but...

There is this cat stalking my human.

Oh, she thinks she's so smart, that human of mine, to lock me inside the house while she coaxes the cat/kitten to her. As if I'm deaf!! I can so clearly hear her mews!!

I think they found her huddled up on the stairwell two nights ago (you know, we live on the fourteenth floor. What respectable stray cat would climb all the way up here just to huddle next to the water pipe?? And it's not even hot!! There is a conspiracy going on, I tell you.)

I haven't seen her, of course (for obvious reasons), but from what I have overheard from my family (they believe that I do not understand their gibberish, but I do! 'Cats', 'Food' and 'Let's go out' mainly, so hah! Take that, you unfaithful owner!!) , she's not a kitten, not yet a cat. She's a grey tabby and has a mew so soft that I had to strain hard to hear her above my howls of outrage.

My human spent an absurd amount of time outside trying to coax the blasted cat into the lift and down to where it belongs (hah! Strays will always be strays!! Especially c-a-t-s!! And I'm not jealous. Really I'm not. Grr.) and even our momma went out to help her too. That was the last straw, I had to be forcibly restrained to keep from yelling the whole neighborhood down. Damned muzzle.

Well, so I was saying, even momma went out to help my human and obviously it was successful (to my utmost relief. Knowing my human, she would probably have insisted on bringing the cat home. I would never allow that freak of nature to step one paw into my house!!). They even spent some (more) time below trying to reunite that cat with its family, but to no avail. At last it ran off and my two beloved humans finally returned to me, sans that darned cat.

I was too relieved by the absence of said feline to be upset with my humans, and I am just thankful that such a thing would probably never happen again. After all, what is the probability of the same stray cat with an elephant-sized phobia for lifts climbing fourteen storeys just to see my humans again?

Nada right?

Phew. You cannot imagine my relief. Really, you cannot.

But then she just had to beat the odds.

That damned cat appeared today morning to harass my owners again. (Are there canine advocates out there?! I'm suing!!)

My howls of fury could be heard reverberating through the town.

Angry at the World

I am one unhappy puppy today. I just got whupped on the behind by my human.

...

Grrr. It's not my fault that the rubbish bin was just sitting down there practically inviting me for a little rumage (just a little, I swear! I didn't even tear anything up)! Not that I found anything worth mentioning, what a waste of my time (today was house-cleaning day, but I couldn't stop my 'killer instincts'. Rawr.), and I got scolded for nothing too.

I staunchly believe in my innocence in this entire episode. It wasn't my fault! And I didn't really mess up anything, just a few strewn papers over the floor. Surely it does not warrant that blistering lecture not to mention that embarrassing bottom paddling that the human had given me. Can you imagine the disgrace? I think I even howled a little to inform her of my displeasure.

You know what she did then?

She growled back at me.

...

I think she sounded more like a canine than I did. This is really embarrassing. I should have known that she was never going to be normal.

So now I am hiding in my little corner sulking and trying to mend my wounded pride (both at being yelled at as well as being showed up by an inferior human, no less), not to mention trying to act cool and unaffected whenever she stops by to try to make peace with me again. I swear, nothing, nothing is going to make me forget this episode.

Maybe except for some food, of course.

*stomach growls*

The Freaky One

The Freaky One is my human's best friend.

Come to think of it, she's been around for as long as the evil human had been. Wow, that's almost six years!! Can you imagine it, that's like 42 in dog years.

I wonder how old she is, must be really ancient. I shouldn't be surprised, though. The evil ones are always the ones to live the longest...not that the Freaky One is very evil. After all, she had only stepped on my paw once (it was funny watching her apologize to me especially after I gave her that whipped look), and she had been most contrite (read : She always slips me the nicest morsels of food!!).

I swear, if I didn't love food as much as I do, I would have fallen in love with the Freaky One (but then I wouldn't have fallen in love with the Freaky One in the first place if I didn't love food...). Granted, that she likes to pick me up and try to impress upon me a hybrid of yoga/sign language, she's very nice most of the time (did I mention that she brings the nicest food whenever she come visit?)

Yeah, it's our little secret though. My human would blow a gasket if she knows of this. Once again the evil woman is convinced that my beloved hobby (three guesses what it is and the first two doesn't count) is giving me skin allergies. I think she's just trying to prevent me from engaging in my favorite hobby but what do you know, no one believes me.

Life is soooooo unfair.

Humanity

I believe that there is no more hope for humanity.

I am officially giving up on humans.

How could they do something like this? This is so...inhumane!

I mean, yeah, I admit that I do pay a little too much attention to my paws than the average dog would do and that they do get this funny reddish tint to it (I wouldn't know. I'm colorblind. But that's what the human claims, and I really think that she's lying just so that she could stop me from indulging in my favorite pastime. Evil, no?) and itch like hell but i;m sure that didn't mean anything (other than to give me a legitimate excuse to lick some more)!

So my human yelled at me.

I couldn't care less.

She pried my head from my paw and threatened to rub the hottest chilli on it.

I blinked at her.

She yelled somemore.

I went back to sleep.

Then she did the worst thing that I never thought she would have done (actually I shouldn't have put it past her to do something like that. She's that evil.).

Good dog in heaven, this is such a blasphemy. To do something like this on the majestic person such as myself, to mar such perfection... It's a heinous crime of Nature!!

I can't believe she did it.

This is such a humiliation.

How am I going to face the world now?

That.

Muzzle.

Must.

Die.