Dogster

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Growing Up Welsh

This dog's life

Woof everyone!

I'll be 18 months old in February which makes me an adolescent, so its time I started my angst-ridden diary. This is strictly for dogs' eyes only so please keep your prying "owners" eyes away from this, its strictly dog-to-dog stuff.

I find myself living in a small town in the English Cotswolds, playing child substitute for a couple, providing endless entertainment, a focal point for their emotions and affections, defusing tensions and generally cheering them both up. I often hear them say things like "He's such good company, you're never alone when he's around". I'm a truly bonding experience for them. And now that I've worked out how to get under the bedclothes, and how snug it is in there, I keep their feet warm at night too.

I realised very early on that they didn't want a "good" dog (whatever that means), they wanted a FUN dog. Like when they're trying to teach me a new trick - the secret is, work out precisely what they want you to do, then find every possible way of not quite doing what they want - they think its hilarious. Like if I'm busy sleeping or chewing something interesting and they call me, I don't come straight away - I wait until I hear "Hector! Don't make me count to three - one.... (at this point stand up slowly)...Hector TWO! (at this point stretch, yawn and look their way) Hector THR..." and before they've said it, I'm charging like lightening towards their feet. Cracks them up every time.

I find I've learned a lot talking to older dogs up by the golf course: there is so much to learn when you're a puppy and if you watch and listen you can pick up loads of useful knowledge and ideas from the old pooches. So it occured to me that I could pass on some of this stuff to the rest of you now that I've got the hang of using the computer (although I still don't feel comfortable working collaboratively with a mouse). Maybe some of you don't get to go up the golf course on Stinchcombe Hill - I've heard there are dogs who stay at home and just get to trot round the block on a lead twice a day, but I don't know how they ever learn anything. Here are some pictures of the hill: its full of rabbits, dogs, dog-lovers, golfers (haven't worked them out yet) and evil crows that sit on the grass and wait til you've charged right up to them before they lazily flap a few feet in to the air.

(http://www.stinchcombehill.com/gallery.html)

One of the first things I learned (from a sleek old spaniel) was about Dog Shows. Don't. However handsome, beautiful, fine featured you are, save it for the golf course, the beach, the high street but don't start getting competitive about it. Its a hellish life, I'm told. A lot of grooming and fussing and preening. Long journeys just to sit around in a crate and listen to a lot of prima donnas yapping all day. And what fun are you going to have with a rosette? Those things don't last 5 minutes. Its demeaning, exploitative, and treats us like bimbos.

If you are blessed with a fine pedigree and the face to match, you may well find your "owners" projecting their hopes and ambitions onto you and signing you up for a show. If that happens, here is what you do. The moment you arrive at your first dog show begin to exhibit every known symptom of stress and anxiety. Do that listless floppy thing. Or the leaping up for no reason thing. Drink water compulsively. Make like you're too scared even to look around. Pee in your crate if you have to. Then if you do get dragged in to the show ring to have a complete stranger prod and poke you, and worse still JUDGE you without even knowing you, here's all you need to do for a long happy life. Nip them. That's right, nip the judge. NOT very hard, just one notch harder than playful, but enough to make them back off without anyone thinking you're actually dangerous. It will be your last dog show. What's more, your "owners" will be very careful from that day on to warn visiting children to be very careful with you, and not to pull your ears or swing on your tail. Never ever nip anyone again, and enjoy years of judge-free, show-free, child-free life. You know it makes sense.

Next time, I'll be back with some fashion tips.

See you on the hill some time.

Hector.