for Sam..

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One Year Later

September 23rd 2007 8:21 am
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its been one year to this date that Sam left us..Sept 23,2006
Not one day as passed when he hasnt crossed my mind. it still only feels like yesterday that he got so sick. alot as changed in one year but one thing that hasnt is i still miss him so deeply and it still hurts when i drive up too the fence and he isnt there. a new german shepherd takes that place now at the gate and i found this doesnt ease the pain any. i still see Sam there. i miss him in the house..i miss his temper tantrums, i miss all his dog hair everywhere, i miss having to step over him because he refuses to move if he is comfortable, i miss all the new red clay mud spots on the walls and doors that his tail left behind constantly, i miss him being mad if he couldnt go in the car when i left, i miss the way he refused to look at me if he didnt get his way, i miss how if one of the kids would yell at him for something, he would lower his head, walk to me and look at me like" i hope they are in trouble for that?" i miss him being my friend and more like a son then any other dog anyone could own. i miss how happy he was to see me if i was only gone for 10 minutes, i miss him being so loyal no matter what, i miss how he was always right there even when everything else was falling apart in my life. i miss him laying by my bed when im not well and hearing him snore only inches from me...Him and Apollo really were the orginal Boys..
i miss them both deeply..i will be making Apollos page soon, Sam i love you and i miss You now more then ever...~

 

the new one...

May 22nd 2007 10:35 am
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Sam we got a new gsd puppy, his name is frankie..he is cute and a show off, all the things You hated in puppies. i miss you so much, still...and i hope i will not unfairly compare frankie to You. there simply wouldnt ever be any comparison. not a day goes by where Your not on my mind. i still miss seeing You at the gate everytime i drive up.
love, mom

 

when i think...

February 25th 2007 1:04 pm
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When i think of Sam at the Rainbow Bridge i get a very clear picture in my mind. its always the same...a Large grassy field, the grass just tall enough to hide balls or stick being tossed about, (after all thats the fun of the game, searching for them) there is short grass, medium grass and taller grass for our furbabies that like to explore, like rabbits, turtles, hamsters.. Trees speckled about the landscape with so many different birds relaxing in them, they look like precious colored jewels from the distance.
There are huge , heavy ceramic bowls filled with fresh pure clean water sitting in the open and smaller ceramic bowls for the shorter animals... trays of snacks are plentiful, so much so, there is no need to argue over them because all will get their fair share.
The Ones (the Guardians) sent to look after our furbabies have been there since time began. They named the Moon and the Sun. The Universe is Thier place of Birth. They are gentle spirits, kind and loving. They know the names of each furbaby and each one is called everyday for breakfast then all day play sessions, socializing (the cats gossip im sure) then its dinner time, a little more play and then each is laid to sleep in a comfortable bed when the Moon is full, only to wake the next day and experiance the same painfree and youthful beginning they so enjoyed the day before. It never rains during the day, only at night when all are asleep. The grass always stays green, clean and never needs mowing. Cats and Dogs all get along and welcome other small critters that have joined them over the Bridge. Dogs do not argue and Cats dont kill or torment little creatures anymore. Sam is sharing toys and not being finicky about food. All the food is exactly what each furbaby preferred when they walked this Earth. i found this background today and it just remined me of where Sam is now. in my mind i can actually see Him laying under that small tree, i can hear Him breathing and feel His mind thinking " hey I just seen a stick being tossed way over there, Ill wait 2 seconds IF no one goes after it, I'll GET IT!!" i can see Him watching the area intensely.
When my time comes to leave this Earth my only hope is that i will be Honored and Choosen to be a Guardian because i miss Sam and i love to toss sticks and balls in grassy fields...

 

Feb 24th...

February 24th 2007 10:12 am
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Yesterday marked the 5th month since Sam has left us...it was a difficult day.
i was looking thru some old photographs of diffrent things and found a few pictures of some of the rescue dogs we've had in our home over the yrs, all are German Shepherds except one Golden Ret, Rusty.. Most lived with us up to a year and some even a little longer. Sam knew all these dogs and became family to them...some He even trained with like, Zipper...she was probably the best of all the rescues we had, her intelligences was amazing. Altho short on looks, being a silver sable, she far more made up for it in her actions. i will post a few of them here in Sam's dogster photobook...
i miss You Samson...i know i always will..
mom

 

This time of year...

February 11th 2007 12:19 pm
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when February comes to me, i just really want to lay my head down and not pick it up again till March..this is the one month of the year im clearly at my lowest defense. to understand this id have to explain....
Endings always come to me in February.
my Father died Feb 6th, same day as my mothers bday..
my little brother whom i was closed to died Feb the 4th..
my sweet Newphew only a child of 17 died Feb 12th...
for the last 12 yrs i had Sam and it seemed He just always knew the morning i woke up on Feb 1st , "ok mom this is your tough month, we will get thru it"
On February 1st i woke up and He was missing.. and i relized some form of life that was so connected to my grief and understood so well, was now gone.
The loses that happen to me this time of the year are numerous from mudane to the emotionally altering type that change how my lifes path will be.
i hope i have learned in my lessons over the years to let things that change in February slip through my hands with grace and acceptance. we can not cling to what we do not have or what is not meant to be ours.
for the first time in 12 years, i feel my saddness is to remain in silence and it is becoming almost unbearable.
Samson, You leaving in September altered things for February.
i am alone

 

4 months later....

January 15th 2007 8:00 am
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well its been almost 4 months since Sams passing to the bridge. ok, now the thing is, i still feel as sad as i did almost 4 months ago..everytime my thoughts go to perhaps getting another puppy, i become filled with guilt, like....gee im trying to erase Him or something..i know in my heart of hearts this is and never will be true, but something in me, some fear thinks, that getting a new furbaby will somehow make me forget Sam. i decorate his grave bed and im weeding it and things. im glad i did bury him here, right outside the kitchen window. Someow it keeps me very connected to Him, i really like finding cool sticks and laying them there. i had Sam for so long and i guess its simply going to take me a little longer to get thru this..He was the BEST gsd i ever owned and i miss Him soooooooooooo deeply...i love you Sammyboy...mom

 

New Pic

November 30th 2006 4:02 pm
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today was the first snow of this season, the first snow without Sam..it was so pretty outside but so cold. His grave was completely covered in white flakes and i couldnt see Him, His flowers or His sticks and a ball that lays there, like a memorial to Him. His favorite things. So i looked at all this snow and remembered how he loved snow balls but always looked so confused when he would watch us throw one for him, yet when he ran to it, it was all in pieces. He used to love to watch them fly. i decided to make a bunch of snowballs for him and i colored them with food coloring and laid them all over his grave. it reminded me of a big piece of white cake with those little colored sprinkles on top, my daughter said it reminder her of fruitloops in milk. i only knew one thing at that moment, he would have loved seeing all those colored balls, for him...i smiled......i still miss him so and it doesnt feel like my heart has gone back together just yet. Maybe in more time.
i added the pic of his grave with the snowballs on it...its sweet and so was He~~
i love You Sammyboy
mom

 

2 months now

November 22nd 2006 9:12 am
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tomarrow the 23rd, makes it exactly 2 months since Sammy left us behind..maybe i dont cry as loud now or maybe i have learned to cry in silence, i dont know, what i do know is this, my heart is still broken as if he left 2 minutes ago..my search for another companion has led down the same path everytime, i come up empty.
everytime i go to the shelters to look, i pray i dont see one that looks like him, yet i pray i do...
i dont want to replace him, i just simply want him back..my orginal Sam, my boy.!
i planted beautiful violias on his grave and now they are growing so rapidly and when i see them i feel a sence of him (Sam) giving something to me..His sticks and ball on his grave bed have remained untouched, even by spencer the naughty 10 month old 'mixed with everything' dog that lives here too, its like he knows too.........oh! this is Sam spot, i better leave these things alone...
i will keep searching altho i may never find what i seek...but perhaps what i need or what needs me..
i miss You Sammyboy..deeply
love , mom

 

wow!

October 27th 2006 7:43 am
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im so proud, yesterday Sammy made 'Dog of the Day' and im so proud of Him, but the thing that got me the most was the huge amount of emails i recieved, i read EACH one of them and with each one i relized there are so many people (you) feeling exactly how i feel. i was overwhelmed with your kindness, prayers and thoughtful words. This morning i was re-reading all the emails and messages left and just crying but in a good way this time and ive been looking at all your pages, your furbabies were just as important and special and you miss them as much as i miss my Sam. Some of you still have your precious furbabies while some of you have been mourning still for your loss, just as deeply as if it happend yesterday, for years now. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. i thought a perfect way to thank you all was to light a white candle for the ones who sent emails, sent messages, left stars and rosesetts and left bones and give you each a special thank you prayer/blessing for this, today at 10am. i printed out Sams dog of the day page and planning to frame it, it will sit on His special place i have honored Him (you wouldnt believe the things i have on that shelf). Today at 10 am, my time, if you feel a soft wind on your neck or a warm spot on your shoulder that last only a brief moment, dont worry, its only Sam and me giving you a sign that we appriecate your kind heart and the sharing of your gentle soul you have so freely given us..
see you at 10am..

 

one month

October 21st 2006 7:27 am
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One Month since Youve gone...it STILL feels like yesterday tho..everytime i think of you, i cry. i just miss you so deeply. i knew it would be hard to let you go, but i never imagined it would be almost impossible. i guess this will just take more time then ive been told. im so grateful i have found a few loving souls on here that have taken me under their wings. Without You, im not sure how coping with this might have been. i owe a few of you emails, rosettes and stars and will get to that today. i will have a candle lite ritual for Sam at 10am this morning and maybe i can find the peace in my head that says, yes, He made it to Summerland.. i love You Sammy and im so happy that when You went from me, this You felt and knew..
ps...even Freya looks for You..:(

 
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