:( My Beautiful Dutchess is Gone :(

I am beyond words...heartbroken so much I don't know if I can survive...I feel so much guilt...for I feel I sent her to her death. She gave me those sad eyes when I left her in that damn kennel..."why are you leaving me here alone, mommy?" I will see those eyes in my nightmares...

Why??? First Joy, killed by a maniac, hung on my door..that was horrifying enough...I still cry over that...now Dutchess...my sweet baby girl who knew nothing but LOVE, she gave nothing but LOVE. Someone has to be punishing me!! What have I done to deserve this? What did she do? Nothing but love...

Is My Vet Sorry? Does she know, no matter how much I've struggled, that I loved my dogs? She was MY BABY GIRL!!!! Not just some dog...there are no such things as ..just a dog....they feel, they love, they hurt...and she didn't want me to leave her there...I didn't get to give her her breakfast, her water, she didn't get to play with her pack. We did take a short walk, but we both knew something was going to forever change....

You must understand...I honestly do appreciate every word spoken of sympathy, every shining Star, every rainbow Rosette, every poem...I'm at work and have read alot so far, through tears that pour like a ragin' river in a storm...I've cried and cried and screamed and screamed...I watched my boyfriend break down to his knees and bawl like a tiny baby, then say to me "I'm so sorry I can't be tough or strong". He held me while I screamed and banged my head over and over into the wall in the bathroom, because my knees buckled and I could not stand anymore...

I watched as he chipped away at frozen earth, the rest of the day, just to make her resting place. She's buried in front of the pines on a small hill, over looking the fields. She'll have sunshine and shade...She's wrapped in my best native blanket, surrounded with two of her favorite bones, a treat from each of her pack, me and my boyfriend, and a stuffed animal (because she loved them all and needs one to rip apart in heaven) and a bundle of Sage. I struggled over if she should wear her collar or not...I decided, not...I crawled into bed holding her best stuffed animal, little bear and cried myself to sleep. *Little Bear is in the Larry Merril Portrait that he did* It was her very first toy. His nose is gone, and his face is hardened by her slopper...I was gonna play him with her, but I couldn't do it. So I picked another one. Just four days ago, I took new photos of her. Now she's gone. She just celebrated her 3 birthday, now she's gone.

The only comfort I can find...and not for but a second...is that she is with her real human daddy in Heaven now.... The eve of Robert's death, November 4, 2006...I was at work...I stepped outside, the moon was bright...an owl sat in the tree and hooted...

This past friday night, actually 4:55 am Saturday morning, I stepped outside at work and an owl was in the tree, hooting. I broke down and cried... I thought "Oh No, now who is going to leave me?" I never dreamed in a million years, it'd be my gorgeous Dutchess.

I haven't even checked out the stroll in Dutchess's honor, I can't bare it. I barely made it through the Rosettes and this...I'm sure you can understand that all I want to do is crawl under those big stones that cover her resting place and sleep forever with my baby girl. How will I ever look at all her pictures again, without knowing I sent her to die? My boyfriend is going to find a nice stone and chisel her name into it for her marker. I'll plant some flowers, though I don't know what kind. Or a bush...something hearty that can withstand harsh extremes in weather, very cold to very hot, to very dry! A mix of shade and sun....in prairie grass...Maybe I'll just try growing some sage there...When the day comes, when I lose my house...I will dig her up and take her with me...for she will not remain there without me....I left her once in a strange place, I will never ever do it again....

Blessings to you all...each and everyone!! I'll be gone for a long time, probably...I just can't bare it...can't bare seeing her page...and she is gone...Please keep us in your prayers...and keep those candles lit. I pray to God to forgive me and I pray that Dutchess will somehow forgive me...

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