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Child abuse

August 1st 2008 9:14 am
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Perhaps it was raining meatballs today. I found 2 during my afternoon walk. I had them in my mouth both times, but fomfomfom always gouged them out. Since I'd acquired a taste for meatballs, I found ah ma's plain egg fried rice wanting. I tried to trade up my fried rice for curry chicken, but no one would make the trade with me.

I would like to submit the above as evidence that the fried rice they are feeding me is nothing they would eat themselves, and therefore it is child abuse and can someone please call the police.

 

The xiaoping olympics

July 31st 2008 9:03 am
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I bugged ah bee to bring me for my afternoon walk real early, before 4pm. We merrily went downstairs. At least I was merry.

40 minutes later, fomfomfom came down. It was like a relay, and I was the baton. I dragged fomfomfom around for another 40 minutes. I do rather like this relay style of afternoon walk, I get a better deal. I awarded them a gold medal for their efforts.

When we came back, it was time for dinner and ah ma fried me an egg fried rice. It smelled lovely and I polished it off in a jiffy. It was gold medal material too.

 

My latest adventure

July 30th 2008 7:53 am
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Today, I got stuck in a lift. Fomfomfom was taking me home after our afternoon walk, and the lift door won't open. I could hear fomfomfom's heart sink. The lift was stuffy and we rang the emergency bell and we wondered if the lift was dead and if it would crash all the way to the first floor. Maybe if we jumped at the exact moment it hit the ground...

That was fomfomfom's runaway paranoia, and also the workmen who were fixing the lift all afternoon and making a lot of noise. Maybe they did something wrong. I could hear fomfomfom's imagination running away amidst that frantic pressing of the bell before the lift door suddenly opened after fomfomfom probed it. We were stuck for all of 2 minutes.

We flew out of the lift, into my bathtub. We shan't dwell on that unpleasant little interlude.

For dinner ah ma cooked tom yam soup. It smelled wonderful and I spent 2 hours begging for scraps from various people. I got nothing. So I decided to eat fertiliser. Twice. It was goat's poo, according to ah ma.

No one allowed me to kiss them tonight.

 

Ah ma brought me for a walk and met ngyak ngyak ngyak

July 29th 2008 7:29 am
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This morning I wanted ah ma's slippers so I took one off her foot. As I was playing with it I thought it was kind of wet, perhaps from my saliva, so I took it to the balcony and put it under the sun.

Since I then found myself empty handed, I went back for the other slipper. Who'd have thunk, I found it kind of wet too. So I brought it out into the balcony too, so the other slipper can have company and they can dry together. I arranged them like a chef would a dish, one on top of the other, at a pleasing angle, like foie gras.

Everyone praised me.

 

Lost innocence

July 28th 2008 7:33 am
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I met a shih tzu on my afternoon walk today. At least I think she was a shih tzu. And a she. Anyway, I thought she looked rather cute so I approached her to say hi. I hadn't even taken 2 steps when she saw me and went, "Ngyak ngyak ngyak ngyak ngyak ngyak ngyak ngyak ngyak ngyak ngyak ngyak ngyak ngyak ngyak ngyak ngyak ngyak ngyak ngyak ngyak ngyak ngyak ngyak ngyak!"

It was a real rapid delivery, high pitched and all round rather silly. She must be a puppy. So I decided to show her what's what, and I opened my mouth and gave her a sonorous "woah woah woah!" Pity fomfomfom didn't let me approach her further. Her maid decided to remove her by force and carried her away, all the while still yipping ngyak ngyak ngyak.

Then we met cha who had just returned. She had heard the entire exchange, but didn't witness the scene. She thought a cat was screaming at me. I told her that shih tzu was so silly it sounds like a cat.

At night cha was showing fomfomfom and ah ma my childhood photos, and they started reminiscing about when I was a few weeks old. And I got more lovin' from them coz I was so cute then. Such innocence, cha said.

As long as it gets me more rubbin' on that belly, whatever.

 

Ah bee has to change her resume

July 27th 2008 8:26 am
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I set a new record for my afternoon walk. It was a whole 80 minutes. I spent one hour sniffing at drains. Fomfomfom wondered whether there was some substance in the drains that was making me high. So she dragged me off for some fresh air. It was floatin'. Giggles.

Ah ma was sorting out her stuff and came up with a letter from the government. It was dated 23 years ago and was a reminder for her to register ah bee's birth. I understand the feeling of being an illegal. Poor ah bee. So she has a criminal record.

I was an illegal for quite a while too. It was only until last year that my mamas bothered to get me registered with the government. Now I can shout from rooftops that I am a singapore citizen.

Strut.

 

Such wit

July 26th 2008 8:14 am
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I think I've found my champion snail in the making. We found it near the BBQ pit and I knew it was the one the moment I sat my big beautiful eyes on it. For starters, it's tiny. So we know it's not set in its ways yet. And tiny is good because it's more likely to be fast. I don't want a clumsy snail. So I recruited the snail and told it that training will start on Monday at 8a.m at the same place. I can't wait.

Ah bee and Fomfomfom went to play ping pong after walking me. Ah bee declared that they are both ready for the national team. Fomfomfom says that it's no good recommending themselves for the team and so I volunteered to be their manager. I will put on my suit and carry my briefcase. Then I will go to the coach for the national team and I will knock on his door.

I will say, "Knock knock!" and he will ask, "Who's there?".

"Ping."

"Ping who?"

"Ping Pong!"

I am so clever.

 

Klong Klong!

July 25th 2008 9:45 am
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Ah ma says she wants to klong klong me. I'm not sure what that means; it sounds like the thunder. But I don't think it's got anything to do with thunder. Fomfomfom says if they klong me, there would be three more of me. And then the three of me would drive me crazy.

I think they are the crazy ones.

The world is not ready for more Xiaopings.

 

Trousseau trouble

July 24th 2008 7:39 am
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Today fomfomfom brought me down for my afternoon walk and I found lots of interesting tidbits on the ground. I tried to eat some of them but fomfomfom gouged them out of my mouth each time. I shrugged my shoulders and walked on. There's plenty of them tidbits all over the place, I don't mind. But after I tried to eat stuff off the ground for the nth time, fomfomfom said we're going home. Now that's a different kettle of fish altogether. I bit her.

So I bought myself some time and we carried on walking. Then an irresistible piece of tidbit called my name, "Ping...! Ping...!" and we repeated the script and I tried to bite fomfomfom a second time. Saved by her reflexes, she tricked me into the lift and I had me a bath.

Cha heard of me biting fomfomfom and kept scolding me so I decided to confiscate her trousseau, all of it. I confiscated all my mama's trousseau earlier in the day and promised to give them $130 out of it each. Now Cha is getting zilch.

At night I found a toothpick in the house and I ate it. Cha returned with Mcnuggets and fomfomfom said since Iwas full from eating toothpicks, I shall have none. Cha was afraid the toothpick would poke a hole in my stummy so she gave me two nuggets. Now Cha will get $130 and fomfomfom will get zilch.

 

3 things that happened today

July 23rd 2008 8:59 am
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1. I walked for one hour and 15 minutes today in the afternoon. I could have gone on for longer had fomfomfom not tricked me into the lift.

2. I picked a twig today to train my snail with. I haven't picked the snail though. There wasn't much of a choice today, I shall observe for a few more days before making my choice. Afterall, it is an important matter, one mustn't be hasty, such is the wisdom of a chinese proverb. I must think 3 times before making a decision. And after I have made a decision, I shall have fomfomfom drill holes in the snail's shell so I can poke him even if he tries to hide. Confucius says, you can run but you cannot hide. At the end of my training, that shall be exactly what my snail will be able to do. He shall run his way to the annual snail championship.

3. Ah ma came back from her marketing. Somehow, she managed to lose money in the market and not find any back after 3 days. It is not the first time so I shall cease my comments.

 
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