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Most vicious a woman’s heart

September 6th 2006 11:14 am
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My fomfomfom is one unfathomable woman. Sometimes she’s mysterious and alluring. Others she acts like she’s lost her marbles. Tonight she just lost it. Period.

It started innocuously enough- ah bee resorted to her usual trickery and grabbed me while I was trying to make my way down the flight of stairs.

Then they tried to clean my ears. Again. They do it every single day. So I did my thing- I tried to put holes in them hands. I thought we reached an understanding on this already. Quid pro quo, remember? It’s only fair.

After only half an hour of scoreless play, fomfomfom decided she wants out. Which is fine by me. No holes in them hands, no ear buds in my ears. Fair is fair. But no, fomfomfom had other ideas. She chased ah bee outta the toilet and soon after she left too. And horrors of horrors, she closed the door behind her before I could get out. That was when I realized I was being punished.

But for the life of me, I simply cannot figure out why she locked me in there. The last time I was locked in, it was by cha and it was coz I practically mauled their hands. That, I get. This, I don’t.

After 30 long minutes, fomfomfom finally opened the door. You should have seen me- I ran out as quick as my 4 cute little mega paws could carry me. Later, I tried to make up with my fomfomfom by licking her. I must reiterate that I wasn’t admitting any wrongdoing on my part; I was simply trying to placate her coz that fomfomfom is one petty woman. I, on the other paw, am how magnanimous. Erm, and also because she’s the one who buys me cod fish and all.

But that woman had the audacity to shun me! How dare she! No one, but no one shuns Xiao Ping! I was furious. I wanted to go downstairs to play with Mikasa to release some of that anger in my cute little belly. Ah bee went down with me and that fomfomfom followed. She kept all my toys and refused to give them to me, even after ah bee told her to. And when ah bee wanted to sayang me, she pushed me away from ah bee.

I really didn’t understand any of that. So just now I sat down and put my pretty little head to use. Then it hit me. That fomfomfom is not only petty; she’s vindictive. She must be still smarting over the backhand ah bee delivered to her ugly crooked nose last night. That must be it.

Sore loser.


Vet day

September 7th 2006 8:06 am
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I went to the vet today. Ah bee was conspiring with the vet woman to wash my ears, so I lashed out. The vet woman jumped back and tucking me unceremoniously under her arm, she went into the corridor and hollered for Robert. Robert arrived and proceeded to hold me down. The vet woman instructed him to show me his fierce face so I would be scared. I think she's mad. Robert too.

The vet woman then showed ah bee and fomfomfom how to muzzle me using my leash. How unglamourous. This vet woman is nothing but trouble. I shall have to speak to fomfomfom about being wary of her.

Luckily, she then proclaimed my ears cured and I don't have to eat antibiotics anymore. She didn't know it, but she just saved her own life.

Then fomfomfom went to pay the bill. She asked the receptionist if she can apply for the post of receptionist at the clinic. The receptionist politely declined. I think it has something to do with fomfomfom's credentials. I know she's kind of boorish, but now I have to add uneducated to the list.

Happily, I went home and did some entertaining to forget the morning's bad memories. 3 aunties came to play mahjong with ah ma. Playing the host was tough, but someone's got to do the work. Afterall, I can't leave it to fomfomfom or ah bee. They are equally uneducated. Cha is worse. They'll bring the family a bad name. My poor ah ma, so old and nothing to show for it, except for 3 daughters who don't even qualify for a receptionist's job. Oh.....



September 8th 2006 9:22 am
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I'm upset. So are they. They tried to muzzle me using my leash, and also a muzzle that was too big for me. Both didn't work. One hour of ear cleaning. Fomfomfom has 5 holes in her hands that are oozing blood as I write. Ah bee has a couple active holes in her hands too.

Fomfomfom is dead tired. So is ah bee. So am I. I didn't mean it. But fomfomfom tells me one day her hands will be dead from all that trauma. She's a piano player.

I think she's really upset with me.


To and fro

September 9th 2006 7:39 am
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They kept coming and going.

In the morning, tai ma came.

Fomfomfom sent ah bee to school. Fomfomfom went for her morning coffee.

Fomfomfomcame back for lunch. Fomfomfom went out for piano.

Ah gong sent tai ma home.

Ah bee came home.

Fomfomfom came home.

Cha went to get computer parts.

Fomfomfom went to play badminton.

Cha came back.

Fomfomfom came back.

Ah bee went to her junior college to shoot a video.

Cha and ah ma went to a BBQ.

Ah gong came back.

Ah bee came back.

Fomfomfom went out for dinner.

Ah ma and cha came back.

Fomfomfom came back.

I didn't go anywhere. I never go anywhere.


Happy birthday to me

September 10th 2006 7:16 am
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Today, I am 2 years and 9 months old. It is my birthday. My birthdays are always an event. They got me a pandan chiffon cake. Fomfomfom says not to spoil me, so she won't get me a mango cake. Mango cakes are reserved for half birthdays, like the one 3 months ago. Quarter birthdays I only get pandan chiffon cakes. Month birthdays I get a kiss on my head. Year birthdays, I get to throw a banquet at Shangrila hotel.

So today I got a green pandan cake. I didn't like it, so I stayed away deliberately. But fomfomfom still insisted on pictures to mark the occasion, so she placed the cake beside me a foot away and took pictures. How silly.

My promised birthday present was a beach outing. But it rained, so I didn't even get my usual welcoming of passers-by. I wasn't happy at all.

After the pictures, fomfomfom ate my cake. I went to sleep downstairs on newspapers. It's where I pee usually, but I decided to demonstrate my unhappiness so I slept there. Ah bee came down and slept on the floor beside me.

Seeing that my unhappiness didn't register on their oblivious radar, I went to ah ma's room to sleep in my bed in air-con style. I'm not silly like them.


Porky belly

September 11th 2006 6:13 am
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Urk. I heard a lot of raised voices at dinnertime today. I observed. I came to the conclusion they weren't quarrelling. They were scolding someone else. Phew. I hate it when people quarrel. It's good they are united in condemning someone.

Who is that unfortunate someone, you ask. Sorry, but I'm not going to tell. It's all a big family secret. There are conspiracies, revenge, vendettas. Oooh...someone hold me, I feel faint. It's all too much for a baby like me.

Luckily they saw that I was feeling faint. I got a piece of pork belly to revive me. Oh bless their pitiful souls. All the money in the world can't make them happy. I'm happy. I got a piece of pork belly. I figure they picked the short straw.



Them apples

September 12th 2006 6:24 am
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It is so ridiculous you won't believe what happened to me today.

So last night we were going about the usual business of ear cleaning. Then one of the ear buds emerged from my left ear naked. The mamas couldn't find the cotton, it was so deep in. They panicked and spoke of bringing me to the vet hospital immediately. But I told them not to be stupid, it wasn't causing me any discomfort at all.

So this morning fomfomfom and ah bee brought me to the vet clinic. The vet woman wasn't in, it was a man. I breathed a sigh of relief. And you know what the vet man did? He couldn't reach the cotton either, so he sedated me and I fainted dead away. The cotton was out in less than 5 minutes. Then he gave me another shot and I woke up.

Oh, the indignity. I was sprawled across the table, I couldn't even keep my tongue in my mouth. I couldn't stand, I was twitching and struggling to stand. Fomfomfom promptly whipped out her phone and captured my most undignified moments so she could show ah ma. I must remember to take revenge.

Then I went home and ah ma postponed my bath as she saw that I just had a major procedure done. 5 hours later, alas, I still found myself in the bathtub. I smell of apples. How undignified. I must remember to put in my request for Chanel No. 5 later. Apple schmapple.


Mahjong rap

September 12th 2006 9:45 pm
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It's mahjong day,
Oh happy day!
I sing a song of joy,
The birds are flying high.

I greet the mahjong pals,
They're 3 very old gals,
Um, maybe not so old,
But they got plenty gold.

I hope I hope I hope,
That ah ma wins them gold,
Coz I get to split the loot,
And that's so very good.

But as it came to pass,
My ah ma came in last,
Um, la la la la la,
And la la la la la.

(Snigger. That's a joke. Snigger. Of course my ah ma didn't come in last. It's just part of my poetic license, you know, what with rhymes and rhythms. And also so no one will know that I got 20 cents more for my pocket money today. And oh, Janice and Lynn turned up unsolicited. So happy. Let me continue with my rap.)

And lalala and lalala,
Janice and Lynn turned up with 4 fried buns,
Ah bee ate all 4 buns,
No wonder she ain't got my tight buns.

(Curtains down)



September 14th 2006 7:26 am
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The vet man gave me an extra injection when he sedated me 2 days ago. It was a good-girl injection. My mamas always threatened to bring me for a good-girl injection whenever I was naughty. I never thought they would stoop so low and instruct the vet man to do it while I was out. Anyway, it's a done deal. I'm a good girl now.

We cleaned ears both yesterday and today. The deed was done in less than 5 minutes. I was terribly cooperative. Coz I'm a good girl now. The injection has robbed me of my feisty character. I'm just your friendly neighbourhood shih-tzu now. Oh woe.

How did I find out about the good-girl shot, you ask. Well, coz just now cha winked at fomfomfom and said it was money well spent. I won't dwell on it. Coz I'm a good girl now.




September 15th 2006 5:21 am
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It rains. I am stuck indoors.

You know, the IMF-WB delegates are meeting in Singapore these few days. There is a lot of talk about protests. I'm so inspired. This is my plan.

I will protest this unfair weather. I will wear a yellow raincoat, then I will go to a KFC outlet in town. Then I will flash myself and parade about nude.

The police will come and catch me. Then they will deport me to my house. Then the rain will stop and I can go outside to the garden and bark at passers-by.

So happy.

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