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Moppin' and mopin'

December 8th 2006 9:32 am
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It is ah bee's last exam today. And then she came back with janice, and hsien fei dropped by later. All of us were happy as clams.

And then my day went downhill from then. Cha laughed at me coz I farted, and tied me to her door knob coz the foreigners were all over the house and all the doors and gates were open. They did a bad job painting the house and my ah ma wasn't happy. In the evening, I couldn't go out to the garden coz it was so dirty. It was borin'.

Ah ma was tired out by all the housework she did. Let me tell you a secret. Giggle. Ah ma was mopping the floor in the living room, and I was lounging in the middle of the living room. Ah ma had to mop around me. Giggle.

The foreigners were walking all over the house and in the evening fomfomfom had to mop the floor again coz it was so dirty. I've never seen fomfomfom do housework before. Ah ma was snoozing in front of her tv, my poor ah ma, all tired out.

At night I couldn't go out to get my moon tan coz the floor was still dirty. Then ah bee came back with pepper crabs and durian puffs. I had pepper crab! The crab couldn't walk sideways coz it was all chopped up. It wasn't alive enough to walk. But it was spicy!

Then fomfomfom decided to call me her little unripe tomato. I told her to call me a cucumber coz that's cool. Then I told her she's a big fat ugly yellow banana.

I am also glad to report that my poo has firmed up and I didn't have diarrhoea today.


The plot sickens

December 9th 2006 8:54 am
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Tai ma came this morning. Then I ran out from the kitchen door. Ah ma scolded me. Ah ma was scrubbing the floor outside the house, it was so dirty coz of the foreigners painting the house. I went to hide so I didn't have to offer to help. Scrubbing the floor is one chore I can't offer up my usual excuse that I'm too short.

In the afternoon ah ma came down to fold the clothes and cook dinner. Fomfomfom told me to iron the clothes, but I offered the excuse that I'm too short. Both to iron and to cook. Giggle.

My 3 mamas went to watch a concert and left me at home with ah ma for 4 hours. Not that I don't like ah ma, but she was only interested in the taiwan mayoral elections today. The tv was going on and on about this plot and that and the bad people won one city. Ah ma was not happy and was pounding her chest. I told her to watch the disney channel instead but she paid me no heed. So I went to sleep in this corner and that.

My mamas came back and said they'll bring me to see sandy lam next time. I think sandy lam is an opera singer.


I am 3 years old

December 10th 2006 9:28 am
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It is my birthday today. There was no celebration at shangrila, but I got pan fried pork chops for lunch and everyone said I look prettier now that I'm 3. We had friends come over--cha's friend power pig and my mamas' cousin and auntie. Even the painters came. But I wasn't allowed to play with them. I heard that's coz the painters painted fomfomfom's nikes and crocs, and also ah bee's birkenstocks. They were supposed to just paint the house. Fomfomfom swore they would have painted her car too if she had left it in the driveway.

We took pictures and lit candles on my birthday cake. It was a mango cake.I wasn't allowed to have any but my mamas enjoyed it for me. There were sultry and rousing renditions of birthday songs for me by ah bee and fomfomfom. When fomfomfom was cutting my cake on the table, a dragonfly flew into the lamp above the cake. It dislodged 2 dead flies which almost dropped onto my cake. Then it kinda got itself electrocuted. It thrashed about and buzzed a little and ah bee and fomfomfom freaked out coz they didn't want to eat dragonfly cake. Ah bee took care of it. It is in the bin now. Later ah bee ate her cake and asked if that crunchy bit was the nuts or the dragonfly. Fomfomfom told her to pretend it's nuts, life would be easier.

They forgot to cook an egg yolk for me. I always have egg yolk on my birthdays. I had leftovers from lunch for dinner.

Then me and fomfomfom and ah bee watched sister act 2 together until ah ma and ah gong came back from sending the auntie and cousin home. Then ah ma and ah gong gave me lovin'.


Life is cheap but beautiful

December 11th 2006 7:16 am
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Today I went to the vet. The vet woman said I had pus inside my ears and invited ah bee and fomfomfom to have a look too. She's a mad woman, I don't like her. They she got eric and robert to clean my ears while she huddled in the next room with fomfomfom and ah bee to decide what to do with my ears.
Heaven's displeasure at their conniving was evident when it started pouring.

It was mahjong day so ah ma rustled up something like chicken rice for her brood and I got some lovely chicken thigh too. I liked the cabbage in the soup but ah ma said not to feed me that coz it was salty. Then ah ma gave me more chicken thigh. I understand that's coz chicken is so cheap. Oh you'll never find me being cheap like the chicken. I prefer to be unapproachable, I need the peace. It allows me to find myself, the real me. Oh.

At night I got more chicken! It was fried wings from wala wala's. It was $10 for a dozen. Oh, cheap. I wondered if ingesting cheap chicken would make me cheap too, as I chewed on chicken bits. But I didn't let that bother me too much coz my mamas are always gonna be cheaper than me. Fomfomfom drinks cheap wine and eats cheap chicken. So cheap. Ah bee goes on cheap dates, oh so cheap. Cha buys cheap lunch boxes for the mahjong gals, oh cheap cheap cheap!

I had diarrhoea last night but it wasn't cheap. It was free! Giggle. I gave it to cha at 530am. Maybe tonight I'll give her one more load. All that oil, oh, cheap.

So cheap.



December 12th 2006 8:52 am
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Today I took a bath. Carlin is not around, so cha had to hold my head while ah ma gave me a scrubbing. I smell like an apple!

It started raining at 430. I was a sad apple.

Ah ma didn't give me the chicken she promised me for dinner. I was a sad and hungry apple. Then at night I squeezed a space for myself between ah ma and ah gong and we watched tv. I was squashed and loved. I was an apple pie!

Then ah ma kicked me out of her room at 10 and fomfomfom brought me to the porch for some moonlight. Ah bee came and took over and watched her laptop so I sat there until 12. Then we had to go in coz I was scared I would turn into a pumpkin after midnight. I don't want to be a pumpkin. I am an apple.

Then fomfomfom produced a bottle of wine she bought today and she and ah bee talked about knocking me out with the bottle and washing out my ears. I didn't want to hear such words so I went to bed. They are bad apples to talk about doing me bodily harm. I must ensure I have no gap in my moral fibre so that close proximity with them bad apples won't turn me rotten too.


My ah ma's stupid children

December 13th 2006 8:32 am
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My stomach rumbled at 10am and ah ma made me lunch immediately. She didn't want me to vomit and dirty her floor coz carlin's not around and she's in charge of all the housework. Ah ma looks stressed.

Then fomfomfom returned with the vegetables ah ma told her to buy from the supermarket coz ah ma had no time to go to the market. Fomfomfom bought a few stalks of the wrong kind of vegetables for $2 and ah ma said she could have bought it at the wet market for 10 cents. I wished I could share ah ma's burden with the housework and her stupid children.

Therefore I bit ah bee on her wrist and knee when she tried to trap me for another round of ear washing. I didn't want to bite fomfomfom though she's so stupid coz she bought me new tidbits.

At night we had supper. It was KFC, but ah bee was so stupid. She paid for 6 pieces of chicken and brought home only 3. Ah ma and ah gong ate all the whipped potato and coleslaw. I had chicken. Then ah ma sent ah bee out to tidy up the rubbish bin in case the cat got to it. Talking about the stupid cat, it ran across my garden at 10pm and I would have gotten to it if cha had not been holding my leash. And ah bee taught fomfomfom that a cat is called chat in french. I told you cats are stupido. That's french too, for stupid.

Then me and fomfomfom and ah bee watched the sky for an hour coz it was all red and lighting up every few seconds. I sniffed sniffed sniffed the air and the wind blew and it was cool and it was red.

Ah bee was finally convinced that a red sky is not a sailor's delight. My ah ma's stupid children.


Ripe for plucking

December 14th 2006 9:11 am
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Today we went to the clinic for ear washing by robert. EWBR wasn't nice. I was muzzled and he cleaned my ears and we even had to pay for it. I was shakin'. There it was, on the bill, it said EWBR, $10.50.

Then it rained and I wasn't happy with that. I was just tellin' cha that there's nothing certain in life except for death and taxes and rain. Do you know that the mortality rate for man is 100% so far? It is not an inspiring statistic at all. I don't know about that for dogs, but it can't be worse. Ah gong was talking about living to 150 years old at dinnertime. Fomfomfom was sniggering and she whispered to me she's going to congratulate ah gong and put him into the zoo when he reaches 150. I nodded vigorously and showed her my bottom set of teeth.

In ah ma's room, I was so good that I sat on the floor and waited for ah ma to pat the sofa seat before jumping up. Then ah gong came in and patted me and I rested my head on ah ma's thigh. Ah ma was so pleased I could only see her teeth and not her eyes.

At night my water bowl was empty. Fomfomfom was so apologetic she promised to be my slave for life.


Lexus Cup and the Olive Tree

December 15th 2006 9:10 am
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Ah bee and cha went to the Lexus Cup today. The 1st day out of 3 days, they will go to watch women hit small balls. I was left in the care of fomfomfom. Ah ma had to do housework.

Me and ah ma and fomfomfom slept in the afternoon. Then cha and ah bee came back with a lot of food, but I wasn't allowed to have any.

Then it rained again and I wasn't allowed to go out. Ah bee and cha were sleeping all over the house coz they were stupid enough to wake up early to watch women hit small balls.

I threw up at midnight coz my stummy has been unwell for a while now.


Science diet

December 16th 2006 7:31 am
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At night, ah ma didn't want to cook coz she was screamin' that she's too tired. So fomfomfom and ah bee went to get food. I had crab! It was crab from newton. Newton is the guy who talked about gravity. Therefore, the crab knew about gravity too. When it finally realised the gravity of the situation, I said, too late, crab crab. Yummy. Giggle.

Other things today: the maid didn't materialise as promised, ah bee and cha went to the lexus cup again, fomfomfom was watching the gods must be crazy which is 26 years old this year, fomfomfom received a phone from an admirer, the phone made a movie using my picture and the movie looked like a bad school project and my mamas were laughing and they assured me they were not laughing at me but i still feel offended, fomfomfom had diarrhoea, ah bee was constipated and cha is red like a lobster coz she was standing under the sun watching women hit a small ball.

Yawn. I want to sleep now.


The new carlin

December 17th 2006 6:49 am
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Today a new carlin came. Ah ma was teaching her how to do all the things carlin used to do. Now she's sleeping in carlin's room. I was hospitable, but everyone laughed at me and fomfomfom tied me to the stair banister so that I can't follow ah ma and the new carlin around.

Cha and ah bee went to the last day of the lexus cup. Cha is so red like a lobster. They came back and screamed they are very tired and I don't know what they are complaining about coz I even gave up my nap to follow the new carlin around and I'm not complaining.

Fomfomfom followed me around like I was following the new carlin around like the new carlin was following ah ma around. Nobody followed ah gong around but ah gong was following everyone around trying to get a word in. And the rain was going on and I think he didn't succeed.

Later at night, Fomfomfom and ah bee tried to get me to go orhkoon in Cha's room. I refused and went to knock on the new carlin's door. Two times! She didn't open the door for me though. She's new that's why. Anyone who has spent time in this house knows better than to ignore me when I knock.

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