Turn Left Turn Right

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Turn Left Turn Right

August 18th 2006 10:05 am
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That day, my mamas and ah ma put me in a car and turned left at the junction. That was the 1st time we turned left. Everytime else, we turned right. Then we go to see the vet who will put her fingers into every orifice of mine (her unsophisticated words, not mine). Or to the fella who will cut my hair like a little boy's.

So we turned left. I like left. Coz left is the beach. But that was the other day. I forgot the details already. I want to tell you about it coz i thought it would make a nice title for my diary. It sounds mysterious, turn left turn right does, kind of like me. Kind of like fomfomfom, my er mama, who's kind of mysterious and alluring.

I digress. This is my diary. So I tell you what happened today. Just now they cleaned my ears. I don't like cleaning ears. Also I talked in my sleep just now. Because I had a dream. The piece of pork was chasing me. It bit me. So I say ho-ho. Now I go downstairs with ah bee my xiao mama to play with my volleyball. Her name is mikasa, the ball, not ah bee. Ah bee's name is ah bee. I think she's japanese, the ball not ah bee. Ah bee is singaporean. I also have a japanese name. I want to call myself momoko. It sounds rather alluring, kind of like everyone in the house. Also becoz i'm Koh Xiaoping. Momo Koh. So clever.

Forgot to say today is no rain. tian qing.

 

Beaten up

August 19th 2006 7:51 am
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Just now fomfomfom beat me up. The medicine didn't taste nice, so I didn't want to eat it. And she beat me up. I decided to go to sleep in ah ma's room, and the fomfomfom came in every hour for 3 hours and threatened to beat me up further.

Then she said tomorrow's beach outing is cancelled on account of rain. Now she's the meteorologist. She's petty and spiteful. I don't like her.

Then today ah bee went to a birthday party. The birthday girl says the dress code is polka dots or stripes or bright colors. I think she's mad. Ah bee told me the birthday girl turned up with wings and a halo. I think she's mad. Ah bee went in a yellow and white striped singlet. I think ah bee's mad. Self importance will be the downfall of youngsters yet. I don't like them. They think too much of themselves.

Last night i was sleeping in cha my da mama's room. And the aircon dripped. My head was wet. So this morning I took the ladder and repaired the aircon. Ah ma helped me a little. I also know how to change tyres. Becoz I got one of them Mini Coopers of my own. I go driving when I'm not happy. I'm not happy today, so I'll bring her up to 120km/hr. The speed clears my mind of unhappiness.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

 

Quid pro quo

August 20th 2006 10:07 am
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To score a beach outing, one has to offer a ear clean and take a bath in return. That's the way the world is, no matter the height from which you view it. I detest this inexcusable trait in humans, a trait which they do away with the need to self-examine in greater detail by dismissing as "human nature", "it's only fair" and "there's no free lunch". If this heralds the things to come, i tell you, I don't hold no hope for them humankind.

As I tell you this, they are dragging me away for another ear clean. See, it gets worse. They didn't offer me anything in return! And so, my dear friends, you can see that this is also the way the world works. First, something in return. Then, nothing in return. And once the formalities are over, they do whatever they want. Big guys can do that.

But we doggies don't live by that. The bare minimum, I assure you, is being fair. We don't take without giving in return. You give me something, I'll give you something. They gave me a ear clean, I gave them holes in them hands.

Fairness being achieved, I have to sleep now.

Later.

 

Tied up

August 21st 2006 7:16 am
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Just now my ah ma gave my 3 mamas separate lectures on how those gooey stuff girls like to slather on their vacant faces cause abnormalities in babies. What brought that on, was tv. My ah ma loves tv. I always watch tv with my ah ma. In fact, I can give you a detailed account of what's happening in Taiwan now. But I won't. Coz my ah ma has strong views on politics and I have to protect my ah ma. Coz politics is a messy business. Remember, you heard it here first.

Anyway, i can't imagine my 3 mamas having babies. The 1st mama, she'll tie the baby up and force it to read the stars. The 2nd one, she'll let the baby poop on her head if the baby wants to. Heck, even if the baby doesn't want to. The 3rd mama....dunno whose baby she wants to have. She has too many boyfriends now.

What I want to say is, I should have a baby. It'll look like me. But when I was one year old, the 3 mamas brought me to have my tubes tied by a strange woman with a bowl haircut. It's sad they didn't give it more thought. If they did, they'd have had their own tubes tied instead. Coz I'm the only woman of child bearing age in the house with at least passable genes to, you know, pass on.

They'll come round to it one day. Someone tell ah ma she has nothing to worry about.

 

A diary is a diary

August 22nd 2006 9:59 am
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Ah bee told me today a diary is for me to record what happened everyday, not for me to muse on irrelevant stuff. So here goes.

Today's weather is sunny. It was very hot.

I woke up at seven. Then I threw up 3 times coz I was hungry.

I slept till noon. Lunch was boiled meat and mashed potatoes.

I scored 2 lamb titbits today.

They cleaned my ears at four.

At five, I went outside to set up my outfit for welcoming all passersby. I barked at all passersby for 2 hours until seven.

Dinner was boiled salmon and pork plus an antibiotic hidden in the salmon. Then I drank milk and I slept. And then I woke up and watched tv.

Then ah ma kicked me out of her room at eleven. I'm going to sleep now.

I'll be back with more of the same tomorrow.

 

no medicine .. i win

August 23rd 2006 8:39 am
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i was naughty today. I refused to eat my medicine, and almost got smacked for it. That mu-ye-cha's patience was wearing thin, I could sense it. But as usual, I was brilliant ... in the midst of avoiding the bitter medicine, I had a week's worth of tibbits, one slice of bread, and even a bit of char siew. Am I brilliant or what.

Now as I am writing, they are still waiting for yours truly to move my bowels. I think I shall make them wait. Who asked them to be so mean to me. All kids hate medicine, esp in bitter pill forms. Can't that woman with the bowl haircut give me sweet syrup instead?

Oh woe is my life.
I hope cha forgets about the medicine and let me sleep with her tonight. The weather is impossible nowadays.

that ah be went out to hiao again. I think i heard her say some xxx quay & something about MOS. I wonder if that is edible. I heard from si-gui that they sell very good rice burgers there. Maybe she will buy one teriyaki rice burger back for me for supper. But again, i doubt it. They are very careful about my diet. You know what I think? Someone shld tell them about THEIR diet. Everyone shld just eat boiled fish and meat with rice like me .. and we will all live forever and ever and ever ..... you get the drift.

speaking of supper, they are having supper rather regularly nowadays. Someone shld tell ah-gong that old people like them shld avoid going to bed on a full stomach. His belly is starting to magnify. Maybe I need glasses or something. If hungry, wake up in the middle of the night (as i do) for a late night supper. I am not sure if that is definitely a better solution than eating whatever from paper boxes late night, but since I do whatever i suggested earlier, I am positive the ping's way is better.

I bet you all do not know who si-gui is. He is my lover in secret. But all our mamas do not know that. So this must be kept sorely a secret here ... Shussh .. we exchanged tokens of soft toys many moons back, just that i cannot remember where i put mine. Maybe I shld go act cute in front of ah be .. then she will go make some effort and conduct a search for me.

Hmm .. a search .. I like the sound of that. It sounds sooooo adult-ish. Heh!

Oh, ah be said i must write down what I do everyday. So I better do that before i go potter around the house later again.
~ Wake up .. sleep ...
~ Lunch .. sleep with ah-ma in aircon
~ Watched cha play her maple story. This woman is crazy or what. 27 liao still playing computer games. But her character very the powerful wor
~ Begged cha to bring me out to garden for a walk coz carlyn is busy. I think the hot tiles burnt her soles coz we were back in the house in a jiffty
~ sulked in a corner until fom-fom set up my outlet in the usual spot in the garden at 5-ish
~ a lady who looked really pretty came and asked fom-fom for my name. fom-fom said she is XXX DeCruz whatever. Whoever, whatever, who cares. I am the beauty here, not her!
~ Dinner .. and NO medicine. Yay! I WIN!
~ Telly time with ah-ma ..
~ And now everyone is still waiting for me to move my bowels .. hehe ...

till tomorrow .. i hope tomorrow will be a nice day. They always say it will rain if I am naughty. Not true what .. as far as I am concerned, it always rain if they are not nice to me ... :o)

 

Supersize Them All

August 24th 2006 7:49 am
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They say, in my household, there is retribution. Good begets good, and evil begets evil. I think that's a Buddhist teaching. I like it. Today, before I went to the vet, I bowed to the Goddess of Mercy. You know vets, you need higher powers to watch over you.

Today fomfomfom and cha watched the documentary Supersize Me. I think it's stupid. 2 Americans sued McDonalds for making them fat! Of course it was tossed out. They won't waste so much time if they had even half thought about it. Greediness begets fat. Like good begets good. Like, duh, one plus one is two and a half. Any kid can tell you that. So stupid. I'm on Macs' side! I want a happy meal.

So as I was sayin', there is retribution. You can't hide anything from the higher powers. I know, coz, um, today the vet gave me 2 more weeks' antibiotics.

I will be good in future.

 

Lateral Thinking

August 25th 2006 7:44 am
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I read in the papers today that a strange uncle won a million dollar prize coz he solved some century old unsolved mathematics question about space and 3D and some doughnut shape not being able to stretch itself into a sphere. The uncle is strange coz: 1. check out the question; 2. he refused the one million dollars; and 3. You want to eat a doughnut, not stretch it into a sphere.

In this strange world, normal things, fortunately, still happen. For example, today, I got sick of salmon. I didn't want to eat it no more. So fomfomfom has to get me something I would eat coz she has to hide the antibiotic inside.

Ladies and gentlemen...today, I had cod. It was fat and oily and SMOOTH. Yum. It would taste nice for a week. After that, well, someone's got to think of something again. The antibiotics go on for 2 weeks.

Think out of the box. Forget 3D, go into 4,5D. Think fish. Not fish. Maybe a doughnut. I can solve the million dollar question too. A doughnut cannot be stretched into a sphere coz it's got a hole in the centre. The antibiotic goes into the hole. I eat the doughnut. Therefore it cannot be stretched into a sphere coz it doesn't exist no more. Maybe the strange uncle can try to prove he can stretch my antibiotic into a sphere. Then I'll give him a million dollars, which he must refuse to take, too. He'll just take the antibiotic.

So happy.

 

A Thousand Miles Out

August 26th 2006 8:47 am
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This evening, I observed fomfomfom with a disinterested eye. It's hard to be interested, the woman is so dull. With such an unremarkable subject, of course there is nothing I ought report here.

But, I simply hafta say this. Humans are so self-indulgent it's disgusting. This fomfomfom, she spent the entire evening watching some soppy Meryl Streep movie and listening to 2 men singing a love duet. One of the men is gay and Meryl Streep is kind of wrinkled. That's a turn-on hey?

The big companies churn out soppy movies and songs and you hear a collective sigh from stupid women like fomfomfom. Luckily their maker had the sense not to give them too much hair, or else they would look like porcupines all the time.

My hair, on the other hand, serves much better purposes. It's beautiful, and when my hackles are up for those fight or flight situations, I look fiercer. If for nothing, at least it drifts up fomfomfom's nose and starts her sniffing. And that, my dear friends, is worthwhile sniffing. Meryl Streep is not.

 

Fly to the beach

August 27th 2006 8:04 am
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This morning, fomfomfom and cha went to learn qi gong. You know, I think they went to learn how to fly, and when they came back, they were so pleased with themselves that they forgot to bring me to the beach. A pox on them.

So, as has been proven time and again, this terribly undesirable trait in humans, there is no asking for fairness in dealing with them. I had to take a bath, but no beach outing. A pox on them all.

On a happier note, I got a new collar today. It's red, with white paw prints all round. It's got a red bell. I'm a little concerned though. I got this strange ringing in me ears whenever I move. I have to ask to see the vet woman about this.

Ah ma bought me my new collar. From Cold Storage. I love my ah ma. Kiss kiss ah ma.

 
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