January 21st 2009 11:42 am
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Dear Diary and whomever may read this,
Brady and I have written in this diary so many times together. He would sit in the chair with me or play with Pee Wee around my chair. I haven't been able to even look at this site since July. I have days where I muddle through, and then I have days that I scream in the shower because the pain overwhelms me. I tried to hide in my house through most of the holidays. I had nothing to be thankful for and nothing to celebrate. My baby is gone and I still struggle to go on without him. I miss him every second of everyday. I feel cheated and angry, he was only a baby and he deserved so much more. He died in my arms, I collapsed on the floor and I feel as though I am still on the floor unable to pick myself up and go on. I spent months just wishing him here. I have come to accept that, that wish will never come true, I'll have to wait to see him until I can join him. I just miss him so. What I wouldn't give for one more day, one more day to hold him and kiss him, to smell him and love him for just one more day. Instead my soul aching with the grief is still collapsed on that floor, and a tangible piece of myself is gone. It's January now. I sat here crying at my desk. I don't understand another month, another season will come and go without him. It seems inconceivable to me because I am unable to go on without him. And still....................................................... ........
I love you so, very, very much Brady Daniel.
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