Dear Brady's Diary

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I'm a little scared

July 30th 2013 2:08 pm
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Hi Baby,
It's been a hard July this year. I was really struggling and then realized what time it was. And now July will not only be the time I lost you, but also when I found out I am sick. I'm scared B. Please be with me, no matter what happens.

I love you sweetheart, so much!!
Mommy

 

Happy Ground Hog's Day

February 2nd 2013 10:38 am
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Hello Baby,
I watched a television show the other day and the woman said when you are thinking of someone you've lost they are there with you at that moment. I wonder if that's true? It has been pretty cold lately, mommy would be making you wear your coat, or maybe the pink sweater you love but that Matt teases you about. Do you remember the day mommy brought you home? I was just thinking about it the other day. How you looked and how you felt in my arms, your little face. I miss you so much. Squeak sits on my window by your picture, of course he doesn't squeak anymore. I think he misses you too. The other day, it was the funniest thing the Pee Man crawled inside the grocery back waiting to play your guys' game, then threw himself against the wall. He misses you too.
I love you my dearest heart, with all my heart.
Mommy

 

Happy Birthday Baby!!!!!!!!

November 17th 2011 12:34 pm
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Hello my birthday boy,
You are 8-years old today! I bet you are such a little man. Let's see today we would have kissed you 8 times, or maybe 8 million times and we would have had birthday presents, with lots of squeaks and a McDonald's hamburger and fries, and we would have gone for a walk with Grandmom. I'm sure Squeak and the Pee Man would have wished you a great big happy birthday. The girls would have smooched you and given you treats.

How can you not be here with me today? I would give anything to just hold you and sniff you little head.

I miss you sweetheart, so so much. I love you always and forever.
Happy birthday Puppycake,
Mommy

 

Autumn

September 22nd 2011 6:33 am
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Hello Baby,
It's one of your favorite times of the year. It's crisp and cool and the leaves are blowing. You wouldn't have to wear your sweater and with the cooler weather we would finally be able to get your Grandmom out to walk with us. I've been waking up a night thinking about you, missing you till it hurts inside. Now comes the hard times - my birthday, Halloween, your birthday, Thanksgiving and of course Christmas. All the celebrations I would answer with, you. "What do you want for your birthday?" "A beautiful little boy to love, oh but look I already have one." "What are you thankful for?" "My girls and my little baby Puppycake." There won't be a Bradybear under my tree, no puppy ornaments hanging and no Brady's stocking waiting for Santa. Now I just try to hang-on till its over. Now I'll begin everyday saying, "I wish....," but that wouldn't make this time or this day any different from any other day of my life since that day.
I miss you sweet baby. God how I miss you.
I have million, billion kisses waiting for you.
With all my heart,
Mommy

 

Little girl graduates

May 20th 2011 7:32 am
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My little Puppycakes can you believe little girl is graduating college tomorrow?! You know how you always had to show her where to go or how to throw Squeak, it's hard to believe she is graduating. I am giving her a bouquet tomorrow with a red rose from each of us, there will be one special pink one, from you. I missed you on Mother's Day. It just isn't the same without you. Mommy's just....sad without you. I love you sweetheart, always and forever and ever! Mommy

 

To my splendor in the grass

April 14th 2011 11:39 am
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What though the radiance which was was once so bright
Be now forever taken from my sight,
Thought nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy, which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.

My sweet brown-eyed boy, I've yet to find strength in my grief. I just find an emptiness from missing you.
I love you always and forever, and ever.
Mommy

 

My Christmas Blessing

December 25th 2010 10:33 am
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Merry Christmas Puppycakes,
Someone asked what did I want Santa to bring me, I just smiled and said "oh nothing special," cause Santa couldn't bring my heart's desire, only God can. It's been really cold this week, Mommy would have made you wear your sweater and coat outside.

Christmas isn't the same without you. Mommy stopped decorating, no tree or stockings or lights. At first I was afraid of seeing your stuff in the boxes, now I just....don't really care. I miss you so much. I just wish.....

Anyway, Merry Christmas Sweetheart, I love you. One day you and Mommy will have an eternity of Christmases to share.

I love you Brady Daniel, always and forever and ever,
Mommy

 

Happy Birthday

November 17th 2010 11:13 am
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Happy Birthday my sweet baby!!

You would have been 7 years old today, such a little man I bet you would be. It was sunny and windy earlier, just the kind of day you would have loved to go walking. I have heard the greatest form of remembrance is to continue on and live a good life. I'm sorry I haven't remembered you better. Mommy is so lost and in so much pain without you. I want so badly to spend time with you, remembering how wonderful you are, I just can't. I choke from the pain of missing you so badly. Pee was playing in a bag the other day, I think he was looking for you, waiting for you to come play. I know I am still waiting, waiting for you to come around a corner, just having been missing, instead of gone.

I miss you so!!!!!!!! And I love you, forever and ever and ever and ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Puppy kisses to you my sweet little boy!! Mommy

 

Final Entry

January 21st 2009 11:42 am
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Dear Diary and whomever may read this,
Brady and I have written in this diary so many times together. He would sit in the chair with me or play with Pee Wee around my chair. I haven't been able to even look at this site since July. I have days where I muddle through, and then I have days that I scream in the shower because the pain overwhelms me. I tried to hide in my house through most of the holidays. I had nothing to be thankful for and nothing to celebrate. My baby is gone and I still struggle to go on without him. I miss him every second of everyday. I feel cheated and angry, he was only a baby and he deserved so much more. He died in my arms, I collapsed on the floor and I feel as though I am still on the floor unable to pick myself up and go on. I spent months just wishing him here. I have come to accept that, that wish will never come true, I'll have to wait to see him until I can join him. I just miss him so. What I wouldn't give for one more day, one more day to hold him and kiss him, to smell him and love him for just one more day. Instead my soul aching with the grief is still collapsed on that floor, and a tangible piece of myself is gone. It's January now. I sat here crying at my desk. I don't understand another month, another season will come and go without him. It seems inconceivable to me because I am unable to go on without him. And still....................................................... ........

I love you so, very, very much Brady Daniel.
Always,
Mommy

 

Vacuum

January 31st 2007 8:41 am
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Dear Diary,

Mommy is so silly sometimes. When I talk to her it always takes her a while to understand. She says, "What Puppy, what?" The other day she said the strangest thing, I tried to tell her something and she says, "What Lassie, did Timmy fall in the well?" Who the heck is Lassie and Timmy? I'm telling you sometimes Mommy is so silly!

So, I talked to her about wedding my Big Girl and Mommy says the she is sure Big Girl only wants to wedding Matt. I wonder how come? I'm much cuter, everybody says so, and I have Squeak. Baldy doesn't have a Squeak. Hmm, strange really. Maybe I should just ask Mommy to wedding me. Me and Squeak love her the bestest of anyone anyway. Big girl can go wedding Matt.

Mommy has this funny wheelie thing and it always tries to get The Squeak . It makes this big noise, then its' long black mouth tries to suck Squeak inside. I chew on Squeak all the time and he does taste really good, but why does it have to wanna eat Squeak. It seems to eat lots of stuff that's on the floor, how come it doesn't get full. I think its' name is Vacuum, cause Mommy says, "Puppy the Vacuum is gonna get The Squeak!" Then I grab it right out of the mouth of the beast and run. Sometimes I will bring Squeak back, he doesn't care cause he knows I'll always save him, then I'll drop him in front of Vacuum, just to tease Vacuum. "Hey Vacuum, why don't you try getting The Squeak now!", sometimes he tries, but he's too slow and I always save my Squeakman. I've tried pushing Chloe in front of him. She would make a good lunch for Vacuum, but he never eats her and she just runs away. Maybe if I talked to Vacuum, told him that me and Squeak would be okay if he ate Chloe-Stupidhead-The Squeakstealer. He is sitting in the dining room now, but I think he might be sleeping because I don't hear him making any noise. Would he be mad if I woked him up? Oh, yeah, I know, I'll get P-Man to wake him up. He's so crazy he'll do anything. P was throwing himself against the wall again the other day. P is such a nut, he just cracks-up me and Squeak!

I gotta go find P-Man now.

 
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