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Dear Brady's Diary

Final Entry

Dear Diary and whomever may read this,
Brady and I have written in this diary so many times together. He would sit in the chair with me or play with Pee Wee around my chair. I haven't been able to even look at this site since July. I have days where I muddle through, and then I have days that I scream in the shower because the pain overwhelms me. I tried to hide in my house through most of the holidays. I had nothing to be thankful for and nothing to celebrate. My baby is gone and I still struggle to go on without him. I miss him every second of everyday. I feel cheated and angry, he was only a baby and he deserved so much more. He died in my arms, I collapsed on the floor and I feel as though I am still on the floor unable to pick myself up and go on. I spent months just wishing him here. I have come to accept that, that wish will never come true, I'll have to wait to see him until I can join him. I just miss him so. What I wouldn't give for one more day, one more day to hold him and kiss him, to smell him and love him for just one more day. Instead my soul aching with the grief is still collapsed on that floor, and a tangible piece of myself is gone. It's January now. I sat here crying at my desk. I don't understand another month, another season will come and go without him. It seems inconceivable to me because I am unable to go on without him. And still....................................................... ........

I love you so, very, very much Brady Daniel.
Always,
Mommy

Vacuum

Dear Diary,

Mommy is so silly sometimes. When I talk to her it always takes her a while to understand. She says, "What Puppy, what?" The other day she said the strangest thing, I tried to tell her something and she says, "What Lassie, did Timmy fall in the well?" Who the heck is Lassie and Timmy? I'm telling you sometimes Mommy is so silly!

So, I talked to her about wedding my Big Girl and Mommy says the she is sure Big Girl only wants to wedding Matt. I wonder how come? I'm much cuter, everybody says so, and I have Squeak. Baldy doesn't have a Squeak. Hmm, strange really. Maybe I should just ask Mommy to wedding me. Me and Squeak love her the bestest of anyone anyway. Big girl can go wedding Matt.

Mommy has this funny wheelie thing and it always tries to get The Squeak . It makes this big noise, then its' long black mouth tries to suck Squeak inside. I chew on Squeak all the time and he does taste really good, but why does it have to wanna eat Squeak. It seems to eat lots of stuff that's on the floor, how come it doesn't get full. I think its' name is Vacuum, cause Mommy says, "Puppy the Vacuum is gonna get The Squeak!" Then I grab it right out of the mouth of the beast and run. Sometimes I will bring Squeak back, he doesn't care cause he knows I'll always save him, then I'll drop him in front of Vacuum, just to tease Vacuum. "Hey Vacuum, why don't you try getting The Squeak now!", sometimes he tries, but he's too slow and I always save my Squeakman. I've tried pushing Chloe in front of him. She would make a good lunch for Vacuum, but he never eats her and she just runs away. Maybe if I talked to Vacuum, told him that me and Squeak would be okay if he ate Chloe-Stupidhead-The Squeakstealer. He is sitting in the dining room now, but I think he might be sleeping because I don't hear him making any noise. Would he be mad if I woked him up? Oh, yeah, I know, I'll get P-Man to wake him up. He's so crazy he'll do anything. P was throwing himself against the wall again the other day. P is such a nut, he just cracks-up me and Squeak!

I gotta go find P-Man now.

What is wedding?

Dear Diary,

What is wedding?

It's been happening a lot lately, but the other day Mommy brought something home in one of those bags that makes fun noises. Me and Squeak love those! They are so fun. Squeak likes to play hide and seek in the bag. Squeak is just a little kid so he doesn't realize that I know he ALWAYS hides in the bag. Kids!

Anyway, I ran over to Mommy to grab the bag, and Mommy said, "No, Puppy, no this is for Big Girl's wedding." Everybody knows me and Squeak always get the bags, what did she mean "No"? And what the heck is "wedding"?

The other day Mom was talking to my Little Girl and Mommy said, "Mindy and Matt's wedding...", so this wedding thing is for Matt too. Well, I need to know what wedding is, cause I don't like Matt anymore. He has that weird haircut and he makes fun of my pink sweater. Can't a guy just wear his sweater, without some other guy saying stuff? And Diary you should see what he wears, Squeak and me think he looks like a dumbhead, and he doesn't even have hair.

I think I am going to ask Mommy if Big Girl can wedding me and Squeak. Big Girl loves me more than Baldy, we're both blondes (Mommy says all her kids are blondes, whatever that is, it must be good, cause Mommy smiles) and she smooches me all the time. Big Girl says, "Smooch me Puppy!" and then kiss, kiss, kiss. I don't like it, and I try to tell her big boys like me and Squeak don't want to be smooched, but she never listens. I hate being so adorable, everyone wants to smooch me! So anyway, nobody ever says "Smooch me Baldy", not Mommy or Daddy or Squeak or Little Girl or even Big Girl, they just want to smooch me. I think Big Girl will want to wedding me more than Baldy-Dumbhead. I'm gonna ask Mommy right now.