What is a meme?

I've been tagged. For a meme.

I know what being tagged is, it's like wearing a collar or that microchip thing in my neck; I know it's there, but I can't see it, can't taste it. In other words, it's not worth being a good boy for. But since That Girl tells me that xp was the one who tagged me, I'll pay attention!

1) I've been on a diet. And it shows. Woe is me.
2) I'm secretly learning how to break into tupperwares. That will solve the diet problem.
3) These humans weren't my first family. They'll be my last family though.
4) I found my first not-suppose-to-be-white white hair recently. My vet says I look more distinguished. This is why she's allowed to touch my "treasured possessions". She understands. She also has a lot of suppose-to-be-black blonde hair.
5) I swallow things better and faster than Zoe Tay. I gulp.
6) I love The Food Woman more than freedom, and cheese more than The Food Woman. Why be hungry and free? Cuddled and full is better.
7) I have nipples. 10 nipples.

8) I don't know what a meme is... And there's no one else to tag except Latte. And maybe that Lab down the street. But we haven't really been on sniffing terms, not since I pee-ed in his face anyway.

Top dog of Underdog

They should have asked me to be Underdog. I'm much better looking and more of a beagle than that airy-headed male model they got on the poster. And to think that That Food Woman was actually gushing over the silly poster dog.

I don't even need a lab accident like he does just to get superpowers. I'm way better - My intelligence increases drastically every time there's food around. That's how I got my doctorate.

For example, yesterday I impressed That Food Woman's friend with a demostration of my powers. She came by with tarts, and decided to give me a biscuit. Because of my superpowers, I could see the bigger picture. As she held the biscuit hostage and made me beg, my superpowers told me that it was time to go for a better prize. She bent down to give me the biscuit, I grabbed the bag of tarts. There were screams flying everywhere and cream in the air... I was brimming with wit and speed!

I had almost wolfed down one whole tart when I heard The Food Woman say that I shouldn't get any dinner. That made me gag. I immediately hacked out the tart remains. Then I did the woeful dog look.

It worked; I got dinner (and not a kibble less, I counted). I'm full, I'm pretty and I'm smart - in that order!

I'll make the perfect pin-up dog.

Where in the world...

Is that Food Woman? That Old Man is missing too, but that's not important. He was only interesting the first few times when I needed his leg for some loving.

But that Food Woman. I haven't gotten a biscuit in ages. That Girl always pretends to go deaf, and grabs my waist instead of a biscuit. She is hard of hearing I believe, cause I'm sure I've told her often enough - hands that come with no biscuits touch no fur of mine.

It's lonely, and I'm moping. That Girl has been trying to cheer me up by bringing me out for walks/carries. It's not the same though. I still miss that Food Woman. They've been gone long enough for the Food Woman and Old Man to have another Girl or Boy. Maybe that won't be so bad, at least i'll be able to train the little one to hand me biscuits. That Girl is defective.

The power of my eyes

Things done today:
Gazed woeful at That Girl --> 342 times
Won a cookie with my gaze --> 6 times
Earned entry into the house --> 2 times
Earned forgiveness for trashing the house --> once
Earned forgiveness for trashing the house (with a dog treat) --> once!
Got dinner a whole 25 mins earlier --> once!
Got That Girl to swear never to work in front of me again --> 2124 times

All in all it was a great day! Started off with a long doggie walk, an even longer carry-walk [Ghostwriter's note: That Girl's arms are breaking thank you very much], and then lots of treats and excitment today.

In Summary:
That Girl was sitting in the living room, staring at that little shiny thing after our walk, when the power of my continuous stare and good looks got me entry into the house. I got booted out most disrespectfully after lunch when That Lazy Girl had fallen asleep and I had to entertain myself. But got entry back in with the power of my stare.

My eyes hold great power. If I had been human, I might look something like that: [note: google Jared Leto]. It compels humans like That Girl to do things for me.

My human agrees completely.
See http://www.darchtimes.com/blog/pivot/entry.php?id=164
[Disclaimer: Dr No is referring to Jared's pic on the left. I however am referring to Jared's pic on the right. The one where he's fat.]

I won't want to be a human though. I doubt if I'll get as many cookies as I got today. On the other hand, That Girl ate more cookies than me today. Having opposable thumbs might not be so bad. If I get to keep my eyes as they are.

(All counting past the number 4 was done by That Girl today. Who got no studying done, but lots of counting. Especially when totalling up the calorie count for the day.)

I am a star!

I've been missed! My adoring fans have pleaded with That Girl to update my diary... She's finally gotten off her hind legs and put her deformed paws to good use.
[Ghostwriter's note: It's 'fan' not 'fans', and adoring would be a stretch for a causual remark]

Speaking of That Girl, I worry about her. I'm starting to realise that she's a puppy no longer. Laziness is one thing, ageing is another. Most days she comes home when the moon is up and then all she does is lie on the sofa... and... and.. - actually that's it. She just lies there. It's all very beagleish to lie around and it's nothing to worry about usually, but there's been other signs that something's wrong too.

She used to give me at least many-many-many-more-than-four scratches behind the ears, many-many-many-more-than-four head rubs, and many-many-many-many-manys-more-than-four belly rubs a day. And she would play 'give that back!' too! (I'm not sure if I got the name of the game right, but that's the noise she makes all the time anyway.)

Lately though there hasn't been that much loving going on. It's been many-more-than-four ear scratches, head rubs and many-many-more-than-four belly rubs a day only. And she doesn't even do them very well either. She whimpers and groans like her arm hurts when she gives them now. Hrumph. You don't see me skiving from my duties and not barking at intruders however tired I am. She hasn't even done her moon-time runs in a many-many-more-than-four days either. Not that I'm complaining about that. I do sprints, not runs. Runs are for German Shepherds who don't have to pee. It's not healthy.

So I'm worried. Very worried. I think my human is growing old. Parts of her hurt when she moves, she just lies around most days, and she's nowhere as energetic as she was before. I guess that makes sense. She's like hopelessly old in dog years. Probably the same age as my mother's mother's mother's mother! Maybe more. Boy that's old. She probably was around before kibble was invented.

I told her this would happen if she didn't follow my example and get more than half a day of sleep. Now she's old and ragged. I need to start looking for another human. Or find out where they hid the food.

Moony Yesterday

So long since I wrote a diary entry... but I make That Girl read to me xp's and latte's entries regularly. I tried reading them myself before, but paws weren't made to touch flat shiny things.

That Girl tells me that xp's got a cat lantern. I know about cats, I don't know about lanterns. I hope it's not a disease. At least not like what That Food Woman has. That's nasty. She came home one day acting like there were bees on her. But I didn't see no bees. She was also making a lot of weird high-pitched noises. That Girl said it was the "pussy cat dolls". I recognised "cat". But there wasn't a cat in sight. Strange disease. But anything with cat in it is bound to be a horrible disease. Poor her. She's been coming home like that almost everyday now. I think That Girl doesn't know what to do for her either. She sighs a lot, something about waiting it out.

It must be the moon, the whole family is going funny. In fact they're probably all mad. That Food Woman has that strange disease. That Boy, finally came back, but he smells all weird, goodness knows where he's been. That Man keeps dragging the whole family out of the giant kennel most nights to look at the moon. And just yesterday night, That Girl actually woke up in time to catch the papers when it came flying pass the gates. Hrumph. That was my job. She forgot to put holes in the first few pages too... obviously she isn't a pro like me. I've been doing it ever since I was a little pup.

I wonder why she was awake. She did look a little panicky, but she said that breakfast and papers are important. I think so too. I tried to tell her what I thought, but that didn't earn me any breakfast. She's a selfish one. She slept the afternoon away too. I think I'm being a good influence on her.

Either that or it's the moon. Or cats. Or lanterns. Whatever those are.

Many Yesterdays ago

It's been a while, but it's not my fault, I'm not the one with opposable thumbs. God is fair though - I've got a beautiful fur coat, while they're well... bald.

To round up everything that's happened to me so far:
I hear I've somehow managed to make xp anxious and annoyed. Technically I didn't do anything except delay That Girl for a few minutes yesterday, but she's still blames me for the consequences. Hrumph. Well what else is a beagle suppose to do when she leaves early in the morning and comes back so late at night? But in any case, sorry xp! (I would say sorry to That Girl's friend too, but it's been a long time since she's rubbed my belly so she's chopped liver.)

In other news, I hear that someone's been calling me a doofus. Nevermind how I heard it, barks get around quickly on this small island. I didn't say anything because I refuse to sink to the level of name-calling (I might pee though, no promises on that).

I was also recently given a doctorate... I'll explain how and why someday. It wasn't because I humped the professor though. I save all my humping for The Food Woman. I'm not making this announcement in order to brag; I'm doing it because there've been news that the smartest dog breeds are the JRT (yes fine, bounce around crazily and go nuts. Be my guest and attempt to outrun a speeding train too. Hrumph) as well as the Scottish Border Collie. Well just to inform the unenlightened, this doesn't mean that the other dog breeds are dumb, each dog should be judged on their own merits! I bet no JRT or Collie is as yet able to figure out why humans like baths so much. There's no need to spread the joy around. Really.

[As a sidenote, apparently humans have also decided on the dumbest dog breed in the world. While I don't necessarily agree with such labels, let's just say that it ain't beagles. Or Shih Tzus. It *should* be poodles, but that's my own personal opinion. My own personal biased opinion. Well that poodle did try to bite me, and that's a very dumb thing to do with That Girl around. She bites back.]

Wet Yesterdays

Hmmm I think I'm starting to like this "diary" thing. "Diary" nights is when that That Girl lets me into the big kennel and rubs my belly. She does it with her back paws, but that can't be helped. Her front paws are always so busy with the small flat shiny thing. At least she gets me a treat on some nights too. When she does, she makes the noise "fat" a lot. Hmmm. Come to think of it, I've been hearing that human word a lot recently. Hmmm. I think it must be a human way of apologising, cause they keep making that "fat" noise whenever they pass me a treat. Wow, I'm learning more and more human words each day!

Actually, they have a lot to be sorry for right now. They've been giving me far too many baths far too frequently these past few days. And for no good reason at all. I should be hearing the word "fat" more often.

I've been such a good dog too. I mean, I don't get mad although That Girl and That Food Woman wake me up at some really early hour when they sneak out of the big kennel. I even wag my tail sometimes. I do my part guarding the big kennel from that Fast Moving Weird Creature every day. I would even rip up the white paper stuff it brings, if not for the fact that it's always out of my reach. That's how protective and fearless I am! In fact, I think I do more than my duty. Just the other day, I stopped splashing around the garden and ran to greet them in the evening, even though the rain was making all the funny wiggly little things appear and it was great fun digging them out of the brown stuff. If that's not devotion, then I don't know what is. When That Girl brought me into the big kennel, I was so sure I was in for a big treat.

Hrumph. All I was in for was a big bath. Just thinking of it right now makes me want to whimper all over again. Sometimes I think my dear xp is right. As she keeps pointing out in her diary, there's no gratitude with humans.

This is making me all depressed. I think I'll go ask for another treat. Although not from That Girl. She makes a lot of "fat" noises, but she never actually is sincerely sorry since no treat appears. That Food Woman is a different matter. Now there's a woman who really knows what "fat" means!

Smoky yesterday

That Girl is making me lie next to the small flat shiny thing again. Again I hear that noise "diary". I'm not quite sure what it means, but I don't think it's my name. Nevermind, tail wagging will have to do.

I don't really want to lie next to that small flat shiny thing; That Girl doesn't let me do anything to it and it's hot lying near that. I don't really want to be hot right now, although I'm not going to get my fur done like that silly poodle that lives two roads down. He might say it's cooler, but it doesn't change the fact that the silly poodle looks like a walking sausage with cream...

Anyway, I think one of the reasons I felt hotter than usual was because of that funny shiny fella outside the house today. Very suspicious character in my book. I thought about attacking him, but I realised that everyone in this house can't do without me, so I went into the corner to observe him instead. He must be a friend of the people next door, since they kept approaching him and feeding him. I won't mind being fed, but they didn't give me any. Sigh.

He wasn't a very grateful fella either. They fed him, but all he did was throw out funny black stuff in the air, and give off a bad burning smell. It made my nose itch. Everything felt hotter when he was around. Not a good fella at all.

I think the people next door soon realised this too, cause they took him away later on. Come to think of it, That Girl had the same bad burning smell a few yesterdays back. But I'll figure that out another time, since she came back smelling like sausages just now, and that's far more interesting. Begging hasn't produced any sausages yet though. Hmmm maybe I should try whining too... but I think she's catching on. I love sausages... if only they'll stop reminding me of that stupid poodle. Hmmm with cream.

I think I have to beg harder.

My first yesterday (in print!)

Yesterday That Girl was staring at the small shiny flat thing for a long time. I think that's when she got the idea to ask me about my day, or yesterday, since she's always only active when the moon's up. But I'm not going to whine, since I always get a tummy rub when she stares at the small shiny flat thing, or the big shiny flat thing in the bigger room.

She acted strange yesterday. Usually That Girl doesn't let me put my nose anywhere near the small shiny flat thing. But after making many strange huffing noises (I think she has many hairballs stuck down her throat...) she lifted me up near it. I don't know why she did it though. That small shiny flat thing still smelt the same. I was going to see if it tasted strange, but she got rather upset about that. Humans. She made a few noises, but I didn't recognise any of the noises except "Xiao Ping", a word I've heard many times when she comes home smelling like some strange dog. Hurmph. I'm also starting to recognise that noise "diary", since she kept making the same noise over and over again. I don't know what she wants, but since I don't smell a treat anywhere, wagging my tail seems enough. It made her smile anyway. Humans are so easy to please. Tail wagging always works, unless I've just peed inside... running works better at times like that.

Anyway, apparently she didn't want me to smell, taste or chase that small flat thing. That Girl just wanted me to stare at it like she does. Don't know what she wants me to do that for. There was another dog on the small flat shiny thing, but I think it was one of those fake dogs, cause it didn't move or greet me. Cute, but too flat and smelless for my liking. I think this is what "Xiao Ping" means. It certainly doesn't mean 'pee here', cause I've already tried that.