The World according to Hulk

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That Darn Cat

September 10th 2004 9:53 pm
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Woof woof, everybody!
September 10, 2004

I wanted to bark to you all about what happened to me last week! I am nice enough to allow my Dad to sleep with me on his bed. I always sleep with one ear cocked and one nostril flared, so I will know if an intruder shows up during the night. I am a guard dog, and I must stay alert.

Well, one night last week, at about 2:00 A.M., I sensed an intruder. I rushed out through the doggie-door, and there in the yard was a strange cat. Well, I like cats, but this cat was trespassing so I decided to chase him away. I put on my fiercest expression, and barking ferociously, I ran toward him. But instead of running away, like he was supposed to, That darn cat just turned around and raised his tail---and he had a secret weapon! He used it on me, and AAawooooo! what a stink!!!

There was nothing for me to do but to run back into the house and jump in bed with Dad. I knew he would feel sorry for me! But instead of giving me the sympathy I deserved, he yelled at me---"Aaagh! Skunk!! Get out of here!" Then he pushed me off the bed! Well, I knew he didn't mean it, so I jumped back up to tell him he was forgiven. But he pushed me down again! Then he chased me outside! I doubled back and ran back in and jumped back up on the bed.

Well, here came Dad again! He drug me off the bed and chased me outside again. Then he blocked the doggie-door so I couldn't come back in. Ohhh, I was so sad, I sat on the porch and barked and howled for the rest of the night!

The next morning, Dad checked his book and found a recipe for a mixture that was supposed to take away the smell. After he soaked me with it, I only stank a little bit. But the bed smelled terrible!

But all is well now. I don't stink any more, and Dad changed the blankets and sheets. I hope that cat doesn't come back!

That's all for now.

(The incredible) Hulk
Chesaw, WA.

 

THE BIG DOG PARADE

September 11th 2004 9:57 am
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September 11, 2004

Tail wags to all, this is Hulk H. Komar barking to you from Beautiful Downtown Chesaw!

I would like to bark to you about THE BIG DOG PARADE in Santa Barbara, California.

Dad, Breanna, and I went to visit my "sister" Kathy and her husband, Greg who live in Norwalk, California. Dad had read in DOG FANCY about the parade, and we decided to time ouir visit so that we could attend the event.

What great fun! There were several thousand dogs, most of them in costume! I wore my clown suit and Bree wore her harem girl costume. The costumes were home made by our "sister", Kathy, whom we were visiting.

There was one thing that was not fun. I will bark to you about that: We were all lined up, waiting for the parade to begin. We were near a large group of young humans, who were all dressed in strange costumes. Dad knew who they were--he said they were named "Hi-scoo band". They were carrying some strange looking monsters. Some of the monsters were short and round, and some were odd shaped, long and very shiny. Well, it was about time for the parade to start, when, olliver sudden, Hi-scoo Band grabbed those monsters and started to hurt them terribly! They started hitting those round fat monsters with sticks! Those who had the shiny monsters began to bite them! Aawooo! those poor monsters, you should have heard them scream! Hi-scoo Band started walking down the street, all the time torturing the monsters and making them scream. I felt very sorry for the monsters!

Except for that, we had a very good time. After the parade, there was a festival, where they gave out the prizes. There was a prize for Best Costume; Biggest Dog; Smallest Dog; and Best in Parade. We didn't win a prize, but we had a lot of fun, anyhow. We plan to go again next year, It is an annual event, held on the first Saturday of June.

My "Neice" Britches plans to go with us next year. She wants to try for the "smallest dog" award. She is very small, and has a good chance to win.
If you would like to meet Britches, you can access her DOGSTER page. Just search for Britches Marie Keksi, from Vancouver, WA.

That's all for today!
Hulk

 

THE DEATH OF THE BAG PIE

September 12th 2004 9:45 am
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Woofs and Slobbers from BEAUTIFUL DOWNTOWN CHESAW! This is (the incredible) Hulk, barking to you again today!

I wanted to bark to you about an adventure I had almost two years ago: Dad's granddaughter, Stephanie, decided to take a stab at marriage. Wedding plans were made, and what a wedding! No ordinary wedding for Stephie, Ohhh, No!

She decided on a medieval theme. All the wedding party had to come in appropriate costume. The wedding was held in a monastery, in Portland, Oregon. I was invited, so I decided to come as a DRAGON. Ohhh, what a handsome green dragon I was!

I was on my very best behavior, except for one faux pas. On each end of the altar, there was a pedestal, on top of which was a vase containing flowers. I thought they were fire hydrants, and I was just getting ready to annoint the first one, when Dad stopped me and explained that those were NOT to be mistaken for fire hydrants! How was I to know?

Well, everybody was having a wonderful time, we were all seated, waiting for the ceremony to start when, olliver sudden--the door burst open, and in came a man wearing a skirt! He was carrying a very strange looking monster! Dad said the monster's name was Bag-Pie. That was a very cruel man. He walked up to the front of the congregation and started to torture that poor Bag-pie! He bit the Bag-pie on the tail, and squeezed him hard. Aawooo! That poor Bag-pie screamed and wailed for a long time, then he died! Ooooh, I was so sad. I wanted to run up and bite that terrible man, but Dad calmed me down.

But the Very best part of the wedding was yet to come! THE FOOD! Oooh, the food was wonderful! I sat beside Dad's table and had lots of great treats! I didn't get any of the cake, though. I begged for some, but Dad said it was bad for me.

Woof and goodby for now!
Hulk

 

We have MONSTERS!

September 13th 2004 1:29 pm
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Woof, Woof, gang!

I would like to bark to you about monsters. Shall I tell you about our resident monsters? There is one that I like a lot! It is the Dirt-Sucking Monster! It lives in the closet, and when Dad lets it out, I always come running, because he lets it suck all the loose dirt from my body. Aawoooo! that feels so good! And then Dad lets it suck the dirt from the carpet. Vixen is afraid of it; she always hides under the house when Dad lets it out! Breanna doesn't like it either, but she doesn't run and hide unless she thinks Dad is planning to use it on her.

Then there is the Log Biting Monster. It lives in the truck. It has a long snout, like an alligory or a crockadoodle, except its teeth are on the outside! A strange-looking monster, indeed! Dad and I take it out in the forest, where, with a terrible roar, it bites logs into short pieces! Then Dad loads the short pieces into the truck and takes them home. I guess he changes his mind about wanting them, because he throws them in the stove and burns them up. Humans are strange animals, aren't they?

We also have the Dirt Digging Monster. He lives in the tool shed. Sometimes Dad lets him out and he goes to the garden and digs around in the dirt.

We have another monster that only comes out in the winter. It wants to eat snow, but it never seems to find any that tastes good. Dad follows it as it goes around scooping up large mouthfulls of snow, tasting it to see if it is good. It never finds any that tastes good, so it spits it out, way off to the side, so it doesn't get the same snow twice.

We have another Monster that never comes out in the winter. It is the Grass Biting Monster. Dad carries it around and lets it eat the tall grass.

Vixen is afraid of all these monsters, she always hides under the house when Dad lets them out!

Another Monster came last winter, a really scary one! The snow eater was sick, and couldn't
come out of the shed. There was a lot of snow in the driveway. One day I heard a terrible roar, and when I ran out to check, there came a terrible Monster up the driveway. It had one big square tooth, and it was using that tooth to scoop the snow! It had captured a man!! It was making the man sit on its back. The Poor man was pulling and pushing some things that were growing on the Monster's back. I think he was trying to make it stop, so he could escape!

I was very brave. I stood at the gate and barked ferociously and scared that Monster away. I wish I could have helped that man, though. He was still trying to escape, as the monster ran down the driveway. Breanna Helped me scare the Monster away--she stood there and barked, too. Vixen hid under the house.

Bark to you later!
Hulk

 

Puppy-Goat

September 14th 2004 9:50 am
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Good morning, Gang!

Today I would like to bark to you about my friend, Puppy-Goat. P.G. lives with our friends, Mark and Julie, of Talisman Kennels. (Mark and Julie are my breeders, but that is another story.) Ol' Puppy-Goat has never hung around with goats; he has lived with M. and J. and their dogs since he was a kid. So he thinks he is a DOG! Imagine his surprise if he was to see himself in a mirror!

Well, last summer, the grazing in Puppy-Goat's yard was getting pretty sparce. P.G. was eating the bark off Mark's trees, and that didn't make for very good relations between Mark and Puppy-Goat!

We had lots of tall grass, so, rather than letting the Grass-biting Monster bite it all down, Dad decided to let Puppy-Goat come to visit for a while. Bad Idea! Puppy-Goat, thinking he is a dog, felt that he should be entitled to all the canine privileges that come with membership in our gang.

When he arrived and was let out of the truck, all went well for a while. P.G. and Vixen were well- aquainted, because he and she play together when Vixen goes to visit (on the times nobody is home here for more than a day). So they had a great time romping all around our large fenced area.

Then the time came when Dad went into the house, followed by Breanna, Vixen and me. We always use the doggy door. (we dogs, that is, Dad uses the big door!) After we were inside for just a few minutes, here came P.G. crawling through the doggie-door! It took a minute, but he managed to squeeze through!

Well, Puppy-Goat isn't house-broken, so he was less than welcome. Dad grabbed him by the horns and led him back outside. Undaunted, he started back through the doggy door, but Dad was waiting for him. Every time P.G.'s head would poke through the door, Dad would kick him between the horns. (No, you can't hurt a goat by kicking him between the horns!) Puppy-Goat had perserverance, I will say that for him. He never did give up. Finally, Dad loaded him back into the truck and took him home. You should have heard Julie and Mark laugh! Imagine a full size goat squeezing through a doggy door! Our door is the large size, but not THAT LARGE! and imagine him learning to use it after only seeing us go through once!

There is another chapter in the Puppy-Goat story, but I will save that for tommorrow!

Woofs, slobbers and tail wags from
Hulk H. Komar

 

Puppy-Goat (2)

September 17th 2004 10:27 pm
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Woofs to all!

I would like to bark to you about Puppy-Goat's second visit. (Scroll down one entry to read about his initial visit!) Dad felt sorry for P.G. because he didn't have any good grass left, so he decided to give him another chance. Mark and Julie had used a shock collar to keep him off the porch. It only took once for him to learn to stay off.

That sounded like a good idea to Dad, so we went after Puppy-Goat again. Immediately after getting out of the truck, P.G. headed for Dad's bush- cherry hedge, and began to pig out on the leaves. After eating all the leaves he could reach, he ate our wild rose bushes, then he started on the tall grass.

But then, he decided to crawl through the doggie-door, to pay a visit inside. Well, Dad was waiting for him, he was wearing the E collar, and when he got on the porch, Dad zapped him. Ol' Puppy-Goat jumped in the air, spun around, sprouted wings and flew off the porch. That was that, as far as coming on the porch went.

But any time Dad would open the gate to take the car down the driveway, Puppy-Goat would charge through, and take off down the driveway. Dad would have to chase him down, grab him by the horn and lead him back into the yard. Ohhh, it was so funny, Bree, Vixen and I would laugh and laugh!

Well, one time Dad was trying to chase ol' P.G. away from the gate, so he could take the car through; Puppy-Goat lowered his head and charged! Well, Dad has trained in Karate, and when P.G. came at him, he landed a kick right between the horns. Puppy goat backed up, lowered his head and charged again. Dad kicked again. This went on for a while. That was so funny---but then, it got even better! Dad threw another kick, Puppy-Goat managed to whip his head around and hook a horn down inside Dad's shoe! Ohhh, that was so funny! He jerked his head up, and Dad went flying and landed on his back.

Well, I decided that it was time for me to come to the rescue, so I ran over to Puppy-Goat, and barking fiercly, kept him at a distance until Dad got up again. That is how Puppy-Goat wore out his welcome the second time!

That's all for now, I will bark again later.
Hulk

 

Grandma's gone to visit

September 18th 2004 8:21 pm
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Woof, woof!

I will take a few minutes to Bark to you about what we did today: Dad, Breanna and I took Grandma to visit Aunt Bonnie, who lives 300 miles from home. We have to go back in seven days to bring her back home. Aunt Bonnie is the one who won't let Breanna and me come in her house! We got out long enough to go pee, and to leave her a stinky token of our esteem in her back yard! Then we had to wait in the car while Dad went in the house for a little while.

I don't think I much want to go in Aunt Bonnie's house anyhow. She has a cat named Bubba, who is an attack cat! He beat up on the last dog who was unfiortunate enough to go in the back yard while Bubba was out.

Dad never stays long, he came back out in about 1/2 hour, and we drove back home. That is a lot of driving for one day, and Dad is tired, so he said I can't bark to y'all for very long tonight. So I will close for this time.

Slobbers and tail wags from
Hulk

 

Gramdma's Woodpile

September 19th 2004 8:33 am
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September 19, 2004

Woofs and Slobbers to all!

This is (The Incredible) Hulk, reporting from Beautiful downtown Chesaw! Dad and I went after fire wood this morning, but couldn't get a full load because we ran out of fuel for the log-biting monster. We had to come home after cutting only half a truckload.

Shall I bark the story to you about Grandma's woodpile? It all happened about a month ago, Dad and I had brought three loads of wood for Grandma. We had it all split, and stacked in her woodshed.

Well, Vixen came rushing over and told me she had discovered that a chipmunk was living in the woodpile! I ran over and checked--and sure enough, one was in there. We don't need chipmunks in the woodpile, so Vixen and I tore the woodpile down and chased him away.

We were very proud of ourselves, but when Dad saw what we had done, he was less than delighted. He re-stacked the wood. The very next morning, that chipmunk was back! Aawoooo! The work we go to to help Dad! We started all over on the woodpile, tore it all down again and chased that darn chipmunk away again.

Well, here came Dad. He yelled at us for tearing down the woodpile again! We were only trying to help! Well, Dad re-re-stacked the wood, then he put a door on the woodshed so Vixen and I can't go in there any more! That's gratitude for you! Dad didn't even appreciate all our hard work!

That's all for now, I'll bark more later!

Wet, sloppy kisses from
Hulk

 

The Cow Pie

September 20th 2004 5:41 pm
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September 20, 2004

Tail wags to all!

I wanted to bark the story about the last time I went for a walk by myself: Dad left the gate open, so I decided to go for a walk. I didn't get very far before I discovered a nice fresh cow-pie. Oohh, what good luck! After I had eaten my fill, I decided to give Dad a nice surprise. So I rolled around in the remains of the cow-pie.

I was very proud of myself. Dad had noticed the open gate, and realized I was gone, and was calling me so I ran home. I couldn't wait for him to notice how nice I smelled!

I couldn't believe it when Dad, instead of praising me, got the shampoo and washed off that wonderful cow-pie. He said I had stinky breath, too! Humans are strange!

Hulk

 

Ol' Weird John

September 26th 2004 3:01 pm
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Woofs and tail wags! I wanted to bark to y'all about one of the local characters, one they call Ol' Weird John: This area seems to be a magnet for weird---we have more than our share of weirdos! Dad says that if he could write, he would write a book. We and Betty MacDonald are in similar circumstances. (Remember Betty? She wrote about her experiences on the egg farm in "The Egg and I") Well, Betty had to contend with Ma and Pa Kettle; We have OL' WEIRD JOHN!

Ol' John lives about 1/2 mile up the road from us, Dad moved here in April of 1987, John showed up two months later.

You wanna know why they call John weird? Just look up weird in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of John. Dad and his wife Judy used to hear John hollering. Several times a day, they would hear him. He wasn't yelling anything in particular, just "Yaaaaaaahhh!!!". One time Judy asked him about it--he said " Well, I have always lived in the city, the neighbors were always complaining about my noise. I moved out here where I can make all the noise I want, so I am going to yell whenever I feel like it!"

One time Dad went to see John. There he was out in the yard, picking handfulls of grass and eating it! "What in the world are you doing?" Dad asked. Well, John replied, the cows eat grass and like it, so I decided to try it for myself!"

If you ever want to do away with ol" John, don't try to poison him. He's immune to poison. He used to go to town on the day the mini-mart replenished their deli sandwiches, and dig through the dumpster to collect the old sandwiches they threw out. He would take them home and eat them all week. Egg salad, balogna, salami-----John didn't have refrigeration, he just kept them on the counter. By the end of the week, they would be stinky and green, but John didn't care. He ate them anyhow. Then he would go to town and replenish his supply.

John used to see sasquatches--herds of them swarming all over the mountainside. You know the two sounds that coyotes make? They howl like a wolf, and they also go "yip-yip-yip-------" Well, the "yip-yip-yip isn't coyotes, it's sasquatches! John used to come down and say "Boy the sasquatches were sure loud last night". One day 'ol John came down and said " Well, you don't have to worry about the sasquatches. I put out a bale of hay for them last night, and so now they know we are friends!" Dad said, "Well, thank you, John! I was really worried about them!" John hasn't seen the sasquatches for several years, now, I think he must have run out of whatever good stuff he was smoking!

More on ol' John another time, that's all for now!
Hulk

 
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