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World Domination will be mine...

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Stupid human tricks

August 1st 2006 9:02 am
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My plans for total world domination have been considerably slowed down in recent months. Mother had decided that our previous home base was not suitable for such a pretty canine as myself... and relocated our home base to a much nicer neighborhood. Althought the new digs are quite nice and spacious, I was unaware of the impending move and did not have sufficient time to store my blueprints and other outlines for my take-over. Alas, I will have to essentially start from scratch. Fortunately there is a shed in the back side yard that will serve quite nicely for my bunker/office. I will simply have to burrow a small tunnel in the floor boards in order to make adequate space for my top secret office.
As suspected, Pongo continues to be the perfect scape goat for all of my mishaps. With a face as cute as mine, mother would never suspect that any wrong doings were my fault. I must continue to keep an eye on that boy Pongo and make sure he doesn't start snooping around and ruin my plans.
I must sign off now and try to recruit more canines. The new neighborhood is full of possbile recruits - hopefully some will be up for the challenge...
Over and Out,


You're Sticking that Where?!?

August 7th 2006 7:31 am
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My plans for world domination are temporarily on hold. In order to ensure I am in supreme physical condition, I made my annual visit to the medic. I put on a brave face when numerous items were placed in a not so delicate place. Mother tried to calm me by scratching my hind quarters and above my tail (I looooove that, but must remain indifferent so as not to show weakness). I put up a brave front, and eventually the traitors stopped poking and proding me. I have been immunized against a wide variety of ailments (malaria, black plague, typhoid fever, etc) and was expecting a good report. Sadly, the medic informed mother and myself that I have gained weight and should shed a few pounds. I was aghast!!! I am a flawless example of canine perfection! That being said, it would not be in the best interest of the revolution for me to start the uprising until I am in peak physical performance. I will double my efforts to regain my sleek physique. It is best for the revolution. Perhaps I can convince Pongo to let me bench press him...



I love me some Frosty Paws!

August 18th 2006 5:04 am
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Oh, heaven is close at hand! It is stored in the freezer. The heaven of which I speak is in the form of canine ice cream called Frosty Paws. I salivate just thinking about it. Since it has been unbearably hot lately (106 degrees), mother gave Pongo and me a treat of those little delicious frozen treats. WOW! My first experience with the "Paws" was at the cookout last weekend. I was already quite satisfied after feasting on various bits of hamburger and even some of mother's soy burger (not bad, I must admit). The man tried to trick Pongo and me into the pool by dangling hamburger over the pool to see if we would jump in. Uhhhh, I love dead cow as much as the next canine, but my desire not to drown far outweighs my desire for a morsel of animal flesh. Well, time for dessert and my first experience with doggie ice cream. Apparently we are supposed to lick it. Forget that!! After one lick, I was in happiness overdrive and put the whole thing in my mouth. Mother was afraid I would get "brain freeze" from eating it this way. Ha! Little does she know that since I am always thinking, plotting, scheming, my brain runs at a very efficient rate, thus generating enough heat to prevent this supposed brain freeze.
Apparently I overindulged a bit too much last weekend. Mother has been quite stingy with the sustinence since. I agree, that in order to stay in tip top shape, I must sacrifice. But, I will happily forgo any and all kibble in order to eat another Frosty Paw.
Long live the Paw!!



Cleaning Day

August 22nd 2006 6:49 am
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Every once in awhile Mother gets a bug up her bum and decides it's time to do a thorough cleaning of the house. Sadly this includes not only cleaning me, but also MY BED! While I despise bathtime as much as the next canine, it is the cleaning of my bed that irritates me more. I try to communicate my displeasure with this process with mother as much as possible by raising a ruckus. One would think that a couple of nose dives and exuberant fluffing of the bed would indicate that I am pleased with the bed the way it is. It smells like canine, I am a canine. It's covered in fur, I am covered in fur. What's the big deal? It's just like having a third dog, isn't it? Sadly all of my effort to keep my bed cover from the dreaded washing machine was for not. Try as I might, Mother eventually won the tug of war with the cover and threw it in the machine. Sigh. Not only did mother have the nerve (the NERVE) to wash the bed cover, but once it was washed, she fluffed my bed cushion! Humans do NOT know how to properly fluff a bed!!! You can't use your hands to fluff, you must use your snout and paws. To say I was upset is an understatement. It was perfect the way it was, then it was defiled by human hands. Well, I refused to sleep in my bed that night. It was perfectly suitable for Pongo, he is not as delicate a flower as I. He can sleep in a hastily fluffed bed. I cannot. So, in order to exact my revenge, I slept with mother. Gotta get comfy, can't help it if I have to walk in 3 circles to the left, lay down, stand up, walk in 3 circles to the right. Scrunch up the sheets, and then plop down right next to mother. The best part was staring at her until she opened her eyes. I was staring RIGHT AT HER - sending my mind-melding signals straight to her brain, "do not wash Izzy's bed, do not wash Izzy's bed..." I think she got the point. If not, I certainly freaked her out by staring at her, 2 inches from her face. The war continues...

p.s. Greetings to all of my fantastic new pup pals/commrades in arms. I look forward to serving with all of you. FYI - Mother finds Frosty Paws at Tom Thumb/Safeway grocery stores in the frozen food section in the same section as the human ice cream.


Day Two

August 28th 2006 7:31 am
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Well well well. Mother certainly had an interesting Friday - buhaahaahaa! Allow me to tell the tale... Wednesday evening Mother carelessly left out a BRAND NEW ROLL OF TOILET PAPER! I knew she intended to put it in the guest bathroom, but I convinced Pongo that she put it out as a treat for us (it's not all that hard to convince him of anything). So, in a matter of minutes the two of us had essentially finished the entire roll, cardboard roll and all. Yummy! We left a few scraps in order to leave our mark - Mother said it looked as if the paper had been through a shredder. Why, thank you. So, Mother went about cleaning up the mess, muttering about how Day Two was gonna suck. Day Two, for those of you not in the know, is the second day after a canine eats something he/she shouldn't have (paper, plastic, trash, etc.). According to Mother, that is how long it takes for the trash to work its way through my system. She learned this after Pongo ate a doughnut that was wrapped in plastic wrap... 2 days later.. uhhhh, even I felt bad for Mother (and Pongo - uck!). So, Friday night (Day Two) we had the BEST TIME! It also happened that Day Two coincided with pooper scooping day. Woo-hoo! I could not have planned that better if I had tried. I also feel a little lighter on my paws now that I am all cleaned out... The battle was won, but the war continues.



I need thumbs

September 6th 2006 5:27 am
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Mother went away for the weekend with the man. Everytime she leaves she tells up we are either going to Vegas or camp. I have been to Vegas, the place where she takes us is NOT Vegas, trust me. This time it was camp. Not so bad actually, the supervisors in charge of our care were pretty decent humans. Sadly, mother typed up a letter outlining things we were and were not allowed to do. Drat!! Foiled again.
My plans for domination are moving along slowly. If only I had thumbs things would be progressing at a much greater speed. With thumbs I could open doors (the trash locked away in the bathroom would be ALL MINE!!), open the fridge and help myself to a nice cold brewski, perhaps even grip a steering wheel and get outta Dodge every once in awhile. Hitchhiking would be possible as well. The possibilities are endless if only I had those magical opposable thumbs...



I'llBeGood, I'llBeGood, I'llBeGood... I swear.

September 12th 2006 2:15 pm
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I can smell them, they are here.
Mother did her weekly grocery shopping on Sunday and brought back Frosty Paws, I KNOW IT! Usually she will place whatever treats she purchased for us (milk bones, busy bones, etc.) on our special counter in the kitchen. After she had unpacked all of the groceries, I noticed there were no new additions to our counter of goodies. Hmmmm. I had been especially good this past week, and thought it odd not to be rewarded for not eating the mail man (I could if I wanted to, I'm small, but quick). That's when I sensed a change in The Force. You see, The Force is with me, always. Frosty Paws bring goodness to the world. I could feel the shift in energy when mother entered with the grocery bags. They are here...
So, in order to sink my teeth into the frozen goodness that I have grown to love, I must be obedient. So far I am doing well. Kisses for mother and restraint on my part (don't eat the garbage, don't eat the mailman, don't eat food off the table, blah, blah, blah) are getting me closer and closer to my beloved Paws.
May the Force be with you!!!



I have a headache

September 21st 2006 5:44 am
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I have been on my absolute bestest behavior for the past 4 days, and yet still no Frosty Paw... Mother was not feeling well this weekend, so I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to earn "good girl" points and take care of her. I gave her lots of kisses, snuggled with her when she slept and didn't harrass her too much to go for walks. I thought for sure this would work - especially the kisses. She's a sucker for a kiss on the nose. Nuthin'. Sunday morning I even let her SLEEP IN. During the week Mother wakes up waaaaaay too early to be of any consequence to me, but on the weekends, I prefer to start my day at 7:10, precisely. So, I typically start jumping on the bed and providing Izzy kissys around 7:00 to get mother to wake up. I like to have my breakfast no later than 7:30, she knows that. Knowing that she didn't feel well, Pongo and I let her sleep a little later on Sunday. I knew it was getting late when even Pongo started to get impatient. Finally we decided we needed food, and since Mother is the only one with thumbs (sigh) she has to feed us. We played a quick round of "Rock, Paper, Scissors" to see who would wake her up - turns out I lost, more Izzy kissys for mother. I thought fer shure I would get a Frosty Paw when mother rolled over and saw the clock, but alas, just plain kibble. If she doesn't crack soon and hand over a Paw,things could get ugly. It's not easy being nice all the time, it makes my head hurt.


I scared the Begebers outta mother!

September 26th 2006 6:04 am
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Pongo is so easy to fool! I convinced him that it would be okay if we strolled the neighborhood last night on account of mother talking to a neighbor and not paying attention to us. Hey, I never said I was perfect, I will be the first to admit that I need CONSTANT SUPERVISION. Our adventures took us past many fellow canines, but unfortunately they were all with their human counterparts, so I could not use that oportunity to help spread my plan for world domination. Once it appeared as if we were the only canines without human supervision, I decided it was a lost cause and should head for home (and I was hungry too). As I was trying to formulate a plan to sneak back home without mother noticing we were gone, I saw my life flash before my eyes. Scary! I had stepped into the street, completely unaware of on coming traffic. Once I heard mother scream I knew the liklihood of her not noticing we were missing was slim. Once I had collected myself I ran home quickly and gave mother an Izzy Kissy hoping to distract her from my most recent transgression. No such luck. Busted. She collected Pongo, gave us dinner and sent us to bed. Humph.
A wasted mission.



The Underwear Bandit Strikes Again

September 27th 2006 9:54 am
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Mother is a little miffed. Apparently she is missing some of her "under things". She asked me if I knew what happened to them. Nope. Got noooo idea what could have possibly happened to the underwear that was left on the floor. No idea whatsoever. (Burp)

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