January 13th 2009 9:46 am
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Sweet Sammy,
I have had you right in the front of my mind so very much lately.
Last night, as I was trying to fall asleep, I desperately wanted to pat my legs to have you cuddle me like you used to. I knew you couldn't. You hadn't for so very long since your wrist went bad, and I always missed it. You would lay on my legs and snuggle up so close, but not too close. God, I miss that.
They days are bright, sunny and warm. They remind me of the time we spent at UC Davis, waiting for you to get better. It should be a time of happiness and feeling good in the warmth of the sun. It just feels painful and I feel tense and afraid. Things seem to be going well with the little ones, and for Daddy. It scares me. God seems to knock me down when things go well. Like I'm being punished for it, somehow. I can't enjoy our new family, for the tears don't stop. I have nightmares every night, feeling impending doom. I miss you and Bernie so much. I miss you every minute of every day. I know it was your time, but I still feel robbed. You were, in my opinion, a young dog. Bernie was a "baby", and I lost you both.
The pain of loss burns my soul. Makes me not want to move.
Yesterday, I spent all day cleaning the house, doing chores, trying to stay distracted. Yet, when I sat down, it just flooded back. Like the tide that is held back, once it breaks, the damage seems worse.
My beloved son, I will love you forever. I pray I see you again, very soon.
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