A note from your benevolent leader

It's been well over a year since I updated this journal, and I do not want my followers to think that I've forgotten them.

Of course I have not forgotten you, my patient readers. Piloting the new world order takes time and effort, but I will always have a moment or two to spare for the common people.

The revolution, of course, was a great success. It began with a series of marches and rallies and strikes. At first my guardian scoffed, but soon she was forced to take my demands seriously. She tried to negotiate, but in the end she caved. She abandoned her office job ways, and took employment at an animal shelter. Sunny and I went to work with her, and I made lots of people throw lots of balls for me.

After a year of going to work every day, I decided to retire. I understand that some people work for years and years before retiring, but to my mind that's a bit much. Working for a year seemed just about right. Now I sleep in late every day, I take lots of naps, I spend quality time with Bad Cuz, and my guardian comes home every day at lunch to throw the ball for me.

And of course, I run the universe in my spare time.

Revolution

My guardian has been working too much. She leaves me and Sunny and Lucy alone all day. Oh sure, we have access to the yard, and we have toys and beds and water and everything we need, so it's not technically abuse, but there is no one to throw the tennis balls.

I taught Sunny to throw, and she's actually quite good at it (Sunny is smarter than most people suspect). But she has the attention span of a neutrino, and tries to chase the ball before she's even done throwing it. Then she falls over herself and gets tangled up, and it would be quite amusing if I were amused by such things. But I'm not amused; I just want someone to throw the ball already.

I thought about trying to teach Lucy to throw, but really, what's the point? Lucy is still mastering the many aspects of "sit" and "down." She's sweet, but she's not exactly a tennis ball scientist.

So that leaves me with no tennis balls to chase. My guardian has said more than once that I am too smart for my own good, and that I need a job otherwise I'll get into trouble, but she seems to have forgotten her own words.

I am going to remind her. I am going to get into trouble.

I won't eat shoes or vomit on the bed. Instead, I'm going to start a revolution. Sunny and Lucy will follow me wherever I go, and obey my every command. It's time for me to harness that influence and use it to overthrow the dominant paradigm!

Revolutionaries get their own private tennis ball throwers, don't they?

I'm so funny

I played a trick on my guardian.

We went to our first agility trial in a long time, and I was stunning! I ran fast and clean , and got bunches of ribbons. All the people who hadn't seen me since I lost weight were amazed at how good I looked. It was fun, but my guardian got pretty puffed up. She started thinking that it there was nothing she couldn't do, and that we'd be running in Elite in no time. So I decided to teach her a little lesson.

The next weekend we went to another trial, and on Saturday I was rotten. I dawdled through the course and sniffed at each weave pole. I thought about jumping off the dog walk - I didn't, but boy! you should have seen her face. Then on the A frame, I jumped over the yellow part. Wheeeee! My poor guardian was so sad, I almost felt sorry for her.

It's okay though, because I redeemed myself on Sunday. I was fast! I went zoom zoom zoom and hit all my contacts and got the gamble! I did go off course a tiny little bit, but not on purpose. It was because I was running so fast, and my guardian was late with the directions. Then, at the end of the day when I'm usually slow and tired, I ran my best jumpers run ever. I was beautiful and fast and clean, and I got second place! Second place may not seem impressive to some dogs, but lets face it, I'm not the fastest dog around, and those border collies leave me in the dust. A lot of the time I don't even make time in jumpers, so my guardian thinks my second place ribbon is just about the prettiest thing she's ever seen.

I'm going to take a little break, then I'll go to another trial at the end of July. I'm sure I'll be mostly good, but I think it's best to do at least one unexpected thing at each trial. There are sooooo many ways to mess up at agility, and I've never even tried a lot of them. There are some things my guardian thinks she doesn't have to worry about at all.

Hmmmm... I must think on this.

Spring!

I've been very busy and have been neglecting my diary, but I thought I'd take a few moments to write about what I've been doing this spring.

First of all, my plan to train the weather was a dismal failure. It's been raining all spring, and I'm sick of it! I'm ready to lose my temper and bop the weather on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

Because of all the rain, I've had to spend a lot of time practicing my pathetic looks.

My guardian, the big sucker, has a new foster dog. I was pretty upset at first, but Lucy's okay. At least she's not a dirty boy! She's learning some manners, so I guess I can put up with her for a little while longer.

I'm getting very good at agility. Of course, I was good before, but now I'm even better! I've got great contacts, and I've been learning about lateral lead-outs and back crosses and lots of advanced stuff. I haven't been to any trials in a while, but I've got two trials at the end of May. I can't wait to show off!

I hope all my dogster pals are having a nice spring.

Spy

Do you ever get the feeling that someone is watching you?

I usually don't, because I'm a dog - I live in the moment and tend to be preoccupied with my own thoughts and feelings. But the thing is, someone has been watching me.

It's my guardian. It's always her. Call me paranoid, but I know what I'm talking about. My guardian is involved in some pretty heavy stuff. She controls everything. Every day she disappears for hours and hours. Sometimes when she comes home she has food. Other times, she just smells like food, and I have to lick the crumbs off her pants. The other day she took me and Sunny in a car that wasn't our car, drove for an hour, then put us in our car and drove home. She said we were just "along for the ride," whatever that means. She's up to something, I'm telling you.

But I digress. I was talking about the spying, my guardian's latest exploit. She got a webcam, and she uses it to watch me and Sunny when she's not home. Of course, I don't really care, I am a dog (see above), and will happily clean my genitals in public, so what do I care if the person I love more than anything in the world watches me? I wish she would watch me more. It would be nice if she would stay home to do it, instead of using the webcam.

I'm not very interesting when my guardian isn't here. I nap a lot, and bark at the mailman, and in the afternoon I like to have a good scratch. That's pretty much it. I hope my guardian is happy with her spying.

Training the weather

I was supposed to do agility yesterday, but it rained. The nerve! I'm getting sick and tired of this rain, and I think somebody ought to do something about it.

I know a little something about behavior and training, and I've come up with a plan. It's sort of like housetraining for the weather. Just like there's a right place and wrong place to go potty, there's a right time and a wrong time for rain. The right time for rain is at night, or when my guardian's at work and I'm safe in the house. The wrong time for rain is on weekends, or on agility days, or when I need to use the yard to go potty.

Evertime it rains at the right time, we should praise the weather and give it a liver treat. I'll need someone's help with this, because the liver treats are kept in a cupboard where I can't reach them. Also, I'm not sure where the weather's mouth is.

At the same time, we need to make sure that the weather doesn't rain at the wrong times. For this, we use a crate. On agility days and weekends, the weather will have to be crated. As soon as it's night time, we can let the weather out, and praise and treat it when it rains. If we so this for a week or two, the weather will learn, and then we won't have any more rain on agility days.

Of course, there are still some practical details to be worked out. I think we're going to need a very large crate...

Lost and Found

Tonight when I got home from agility class, Sunny wasn't home! My guardian and I ran all through the house and yard calling her, but she wasn't anywhere. Then we saw that the front window was broken. Sunny must have pushed it out, and then jumped the front fence.

My guardian was very worried. We ran outside and jumped in the car, and drove all around the neighborhood. My guardian drove very slowly, and went up and down all the streets. The windows were open, and we both called for Sunny. But she didn't come.

Then we went home, and my guardian got a flashlight. We went out again on foot. That was better! I don't know how anyone's supposed to find anything from a car. Pretty soon I found Sunny's scent, and I followed it all the way down the hill to a parking lot. I had to stop and sniff a bush. The smells were confusing , and I wasn't sure which way Sunny had gone from there. I kept trying to figure it out, but after a while my guardian said "come on, Bella," and led me away. I didn't think she was going the right direction.

We kept searching. My guardian whistled and shouted, and I tried to find Sunny's scent. But I couldn't pick it up again. Then my guardian got a phone call. She sounded very happy, and then we were running back towards the parking lot. We ran all the way, and when we got there we found Sunny! She was in a car with a nice lady. I was so happy that I jumped on Sunny the whole time we were walking home. I told her "Don't you ever do that again!"

I'm a good girl. I know to stay home and wait for my mom. I wish all dogs were good like me. Being lost is no fun!

My mom wants me to remind all the humans to please keep tags on their pets, and make sure the tags have current phone numbers. Every pet should also have a microchip, in case the tags get lost.

And last but not least, a very big thank you to the nice lady in the Walgreens parking lot! I don't know what I would have done if she hadn't found Sunny and called my guardian. I've gotten used to Sunny, and I think I would be very sad without her.

My Darned Good Nature

I'm too good natured, I really am. I'm sweet and accomodating and cooperative, and my guardian takes advantage of me!

This evening she finally got around to taking down the Christmas wreath (what a flake! it's February!). Anyway, she took the wreath off the door and looked at it. Then she looked at me, then back at the wreath. Then she looked at her camera, and... lets just say that I've got a new photo for next year's Holiday Picture Party.

One of these days I'm just not going to take it anymore! One of these days I'm going to growl and bite and rip that camera to shreds! Grrrrrrrrrrrr!

I love my guardian. I would walk for miles just to hear one kind word from her. I would give up my dinner for a smile. When she pets me, I'm so happy I almost melt. I would do anything for her, but why oh why must she put a wreath around my neck and ask me to strike a pose?

She's pushing it. She really is.

It's not easy being gorgeous

I've been on this diet for three weeks now, and even though I've been so hungry that I want to eat the furniture, I must admit that I am looking good. I've got a waist now, and a curvy hourglass figure.

My guardian has been concerned about my hips. That's part of the reason she put me on a diet. So the other day, she took me to the evil vet, and then she did a very bad thing: she left me there. Now I know she felt bad about leaving me, and she probably got all mushy and hugged Sunny when she got home, but I still think that leaving me at the evil vet was a bad, bad thing. Don't worry though, I'm planning my revenge.

The evil vet gave me drugs. Would a good vet do such a thing? No, so the vet must be evil. Then he looked at my bones. I don't know how he did this. I tried to pay attention, but I was hopped-up on dope. I wonder if my guardian knows that the evil vet is a pusher...

Anyway, by the time my guardian picked me up, I was mostly sober. The evil told her that my hips are perfect. Well duh, I could have told her that.

So now I'm slender, sexy, and in possession of a perfect pair of hips. Oh yeah. My new skinny waist really sets off my wigglebutt. What can I say, I'm gorgeous!

I love myself just the way I am

Yes I do! I have a very positive body image, and loads of self esteem. I am very happy with how I look, and I feel no need to comply with society's expectations of what a girl should look like. I am not fat! I'm sturdy. I'm big-boned. I'm zaftig. I've put on an extra layer for winter.

My evil guardian, however, has become a mouthpiece for society's impossible standards. She says that I'm too fat and have to go on a diet. I'm only 3, for crying out loud! Does she want me to become anorexic and neurotic by the time I'm 4? Does she expect me to look like a billboard model with bones sticking out all over the place?

Now, if you ask my guardian, she'll say it's not about looks or fashion at all. She'll say that she's concerned about my health. She's come up with a whole rationalization about how the extra weight is slowing me down and it's not good for my hips and blah blah blah blah blah. Yeah, whatever. As if she's not carrying around 20 extra pounds.

Stupid green beans. Stupid diet. Stupid Sunny who can eat anything and not gain weight. I wonder if I can eat Sunny.....