Dogster

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The thoughts of a very smart dog...

Everything is Bigger in Texas!

So just like every morning...the alarm clock buzzes...my mom goes through the snoozing routine...then finally gets out of bed to get the day going. It isn't too bad so far. She takes a bath every day...I don't like baths so I just don't know why she would want to do that, but she seems to enjoy it, she is in there forever!

After she gets my lazy sister out of the bed...aka the Fern Dog, who really likes her rest in the morning, hates cold weather and would rather die than to get out of the warm bed to go downstairs because regardless of the food mom may offer, she knows it will come with the prerequisite that she go outside into the cold and go to the bathroom. She is willing to do without food, unlike me!

I was just beside myself with excitement (you see, my day revolves around 2 five minute events...Breakfast and Dinner!). I am bounding down the stairs toward the kitchen, with mom and Fern a few step behind. Fern is still dragging behind thinking of how she could talk mom into serving breakfast in bed.

Suddenly I stopped....I have found a morsel in the hallway at the foot of the stairs. I stop for a sniff, then remember that we are on a mission to eat, and there is nothing that can come between me and a meal. So off I go to prance around the bowl in the kitchen and wait for mom to get the food ready. I am waiting and waiting and suddenly realize that mom isn't behind me anymore. Where did she go? I peek my head around the corner and see what is taking her so long. She has noticed what I noticed in the hall, the morsel that caused pause in my morning dance....a ROACH!!!

I am an Indiana girl, and so is my mom, so the sheer size is rather upsetting for her...yes we have bugs up North, but no experience with any bug could have prepared her for what she saw. There is a saying..."everything is bigger in Texas". My mom says this statement has been proven true in many cases since we have lived here. It is a fact that there are a few things bigger in Texas.

1. Hair
2. Boobs
3. Rednecks
4. Egos
5. Cock Roaches (which leads me back to my story.)

This sucker was giant.

Now, my mom and I have been living on our own for a long time, and my mom will never be able to overcome her fear of creepy crawly things...she discovered that if given the right encouragement, I (the faithful and loving companion) could be the only thing standing between her and what ever bug found its way into the house. She would point it out, and with great enthusiasm, I would gladly roll on the bug, play with it and chase it around until it was dead. Sometimes I would even eat it, though I have grown out of this phase for the most part now. I am my mom's hero, and I know that saving her from uncertain death by bug (seriously...she is so afraid of them she could have a heart attack!) means there is much praise and love (and lots of cookies) to come.

So, now here she is, face to face with this roach. I am still prancing around the corner and unsure why she has been delayed. When I popped my head around to check the status of her decent, I saw her frozen in fear, staring at the bug. After composing herself, she began speaking to me in the sweet mom voice and asked me to check out the bug. It is important to know that I am fickle. I only performs buggercisim if the bug is alive. Dead bug = no dice. So, I check it out, and as I determined on the first pass...the bug is dead...no fun! I had nosed it around a bit, and it didn't move, so I looked at mom... "come on you wuss...it's dead...Now let's eat!" Confident that the bug has only ventured in our home to find its final resting place, she musters up the courage to step over it (I am telling you...her fear is paralyzing!). She makes her way to the kitchen, forces the Fern dog out for her morning pottie, feeds us, gets her lunch together all the while giving herself the pep talk she will need to gather the courage to step over the dead (gigantic) roach again. She says her goodbyes to me and Fern, turns the corner, ready to face this task, and to her horror it is gone! It seems the cat (Conrad, the crazy one) has found the roach, and thinks it might be fun to play with...this would be fine with mom because he has batted it out of her way now, except that in his chase he has discovered that the roach is alive, and lots of fun to turn over on it's back. It wriggles and flips over, then runs...then he starts again.

My mom gasps and yells... "That sucker played dead! How the heck did roaches get so smart???" Now she is mad, so she returns to the kitchen, retrieves a cute little paper plate with reindeer and martinis on it, flips it over, throws it down over the bug and commences her most harrowing performance of what I can only describe as "The Big Bug in My House" dance. I can't begin to describe it in words, but let it suffice to say that it involves stomping, squealing, jumping and shuddering.

Anyway, after that, she was too traumatized to even observe that ruminants of her dance. She shuddered once more, looked at Conrad, explained that he would no longer be left in charge of the buggercisims if he couldn't get the job done faster, and stomped out of the house with the feeling of bugs crawling all over her!

I think she needs professional help, and is forever traumatized...the bug guy is coming tomorrow, and mom won't come home until dad gets there to dispose of the carcass.

The moral of the story:
One dog's trash is another cat's treasure!