September 7th 2007 4:25 am
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BEAGLEY BILL OF RIGHTS
Owners shall make no law abridging the freedom to bark, bay, or howl anywhere, anytime, and for any reason, real or imagined; or growl if moved or awakened from any chosen spot. Squirting with hoses, water pistols, screaming, or physical intervention is strictly prohibited. When Beagles bark, humans must listen until they understand and then perform accordingly.
The right to claim any spot on the bed first, not having to move for humans or siblings; covers and pillows will remain untouched until we vacate said spot. Good sun spots must be made available throughout every house and curtains that block access are open season.
The unlimited right to enter and exit the back door with human assistance, performed with no grumbling under the breath.
The right to at least one walk per day anywhere, anytime we want, including mud, water hazards, garbage dumps, rolling on dead animals, insects or any other unidentified smelly goo; with no censorship of items or creatures procured to eat. No muzzles, masks, or other contraptions will be applied to abridge desire to forage. Sniffing will have no limits as to time or object. Yanking or pulling on the leash is prohibited, as is screaming or physical intervention.
Eating anything is an inalienable right and humans shall make no rules regarding; the cat box, sibling’s treats or dinners, garbage can exploration, or countertop sweeping. All packages must be inspected upon entrance to the house. An adequate space either at or directly under the table must be provided at meal times. Any food dropped on the floor must be pointed to and is immediately property of the Beagle eliminating any five second rule of humans, and if said Beagle is absent the item must remain untouched until his arrival whether from the next room or outside. No Beagle is responsible for clean up of any residual dog spit. Treats will be distributed upon human departure and arrival. Vegetables from the garden whether on the plant or in a container, especially green beans, are property of the Beagle. Obesity or its description will be eliminated from any handbooks, manuals, leaflets, or other propaganda upon entering the house and the Beagle will determine what weight is proper for their frame.
Beagles will be secure in their possessions against any search either by humans or siblings. No seizure of Beagle property is allowed and in the event of exchange for another item of higher value, both items become property of the Beagle. In counterpoint, Beagles have the right to search and seize at his whim; any pocket, purse, bag, toy box, dishwasher door, countertop, or child.
Chewing feet, scratching ears, rolling on the back and biting of genitals will be permitted and the only resolution will be rubbing of the belly by the human.
Under no circumstances shall any Beagle or canine brother be used for human medical experiment. If caught, humans will undergo said experiment every day for the rest of their lives.
Unusual human behavior, such as harmonica playing, phone talking, lawn mowing, leaf raking, bed-thrashing, etc. will be met with unlimited barking until said activity ceases.
No Beagle will be left behind!