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Life's Lessons

The Basics

I don't want to spend a whole lot of time writing because I'm supposed to go meet some of my pals up here for a romp in the park and some trash digging soon, but I saw that my little friends Kiska and Riley had diaries and I didn't want to be left out. So I figure I'll take a minute and bark you all a bit about my life, because it sure was crazy, and I think that maybe some of the lessons I learned might to useful to all you Fur-babies still out there. I will try to stick to the basics:

1 - Beware the neighbor with a gun. (Even if this neighbor has dogs and they spend all day in your yard barking at you, don't ever, ever, ever let them lure you into their yard. Because, the neighbor with the gun invariably turns out to be a total jerk. And you end up at the vet with buckshot all up and down your sore little body.)

2 - Don't greet little kids when they're near their cars - at least not if you have a tail and want to keep it. (Oh my dog, I was so excited when the little girl who lived at my house for awhile came home this one time. She must have been excited too, because she came charging out of the car and slammed the door shut - howl! My tail was still in there! Back to the vet I went, and when I came home I was stumpier than ever before. Don't say I didn't warn you.)

3 - Never try to trick your humans more than two times in a row. (Now, I know that humans can be a little slow at times, but try to fool them more than twice in a row and you're asking to be caught! Let me tell you a little fable: I like ham. And one day there was this delicious ham sandwich sitting on my kitchen counter. So I ate it. Obviously. This made Eric, the fellow that had made me the sandwich, pretty upset for some reason. But instead of yelling or putting me outside, he decided to give me more ham. He just left it on the counter again while he started making himself a new sandwich! So I ate it. Obviously. Now what I want to tell all you pups out there is that this is the point at which you should walk away. I know this because when Eric started making his third sandwich and I slunk up behind him to snack on my third serving of tasty ham he finally caught on to my game, grabbed the deli-sliced loaf, shouted 'ham slap', and whacked me across the snout with the very meat that I was just about to wrap my juicy gums around. Oh, the humility!)

4 - If you're in an unfamiliar place and the lights suddenly go out, don't move a dog-darn muscle. (I was at the tail-wagging end of this really long roadtrip with my people a few years ago, and we stopped to spend a few days at this cabin in Utah that was in the midst of construction. Pat and Val were really tired when they got there, so we went up to the second floor and all snuggled into our sleeping bags. And they turned out the lights. Now, being a good GSD, I decided at this point to take one more lap around the house just to make sure everything was okey-dokey. Oops! I forgot where the edge of the second story was, and I tumbled right off. Mom and Pat hadn't had the lights off for more than 30 seconds before they heard me screaming from down below. So, my little ones, if you don't know where you are and you can't see a dog-darn thing, just stay put.)

Well, that's it for now - I'm off to play. Tell Kiska and Riley to be good. Woof!