All Day I Sit and Wait
July 12th 2010 8:40 am
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For all my friends at the Bridge, first of all let me apologize for not being around in a long long while! Mommy's business really took off and she has been traveling about the country trying to make things happen. This is not an easy feat for me either even with my angel wings to have to jump from one end of the country to the other... PHEW..... Then, I sent mommy her one real true love and so I spend a good deal of time tending to their happiness and making sure that life's little intricacies do not get in the way.
July 8th 2009 4:31 am
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Beezer, today is the day you boarded that bus heading for the Rainbow Bridge. Today I remember laying on the floor with you watching you struggle to take a breath and your back paws swelling up! I remember how I talked to you to let you know that I knew you were going to a beautiful wonderful place where the pain would end and you would be free to run and play and be happy. I remember knowing (and still know) that where your pain was ending mine was beginning. I fell asleep with tears last night remembering our last night together and then today our last day together. My heart so torn between doing what was right for you and wanting you to stay. Why does it feel like I blinked and your time with me was over! I woke up this morning and even though I fell asleep in my bed, I woke up, in my mind, on the floor with you in the living room. I have so many different emotions running around my brain. Today marks so many things for me. Not to mention it is your G'pa's birthday! I didn't want to write to you about the sadness I feel on the day you went to the Bridge, instead I wanted to talk about all the joy you brought me while you were here. From the long walks, to the countless hours you spent "fetching" the ball, to all the places we went together. I remember how when I would cry you would lick away my tears and sit by my side never leaving for even a minute, I remember how you would talk in the morning when I would get up for work I think complaining that it was too early to be up, I remember how you would dance around the closet when it was time for your night treat. I remember how you busted through the fence at Aunt Trisha's house to come after me when we went to the store. I will always be honored that I was chosen to be your mommy and to care for you throughout your life. I will always be grateful that I was with you when your journey here ended. I will always cherish each and every minute we got to spend together. Most importantly, I will always feel safe knowing that you are my angel watching over me. I miss you with an intensity that I can't define. A one in a million animal and friend you touched my soul in a way that can never be doubled. So today on your cross anniversary, I celebrate the special bond between us that only you and I could ever understand. I love y0u and to this day and always know you were truly my once in a lifetime best friend.
June 18th 2009 7:46 am
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My sweet Angel Beezer, so much has been going on lately. Not enough time to think really... but I do, of you, all the time... Yesterday marked one year to the day that I came home and found you unable to use your hind legs to stand up and meet me. I keep going through it one minute at a time... Walking in the door expecting to see you standing there, but instead seeing you in the kitchen area looking really confused and trying to get to me, using your front paws and falling down not knowing what was happening. I remember hugging you and silently praying for the first even few hours that you were just stiff or that something just ripped or whatever it was. But it was then it started.... I just can't believe it. I write about how much I miss you, but I don't think people really get it. Time to move on they say, Beezer wouldn't have wanted to see you this way (which I don't totally believe..lol)... they say Beezer lived longer than a lot of sheperds as if that is supposed to make me feel better, they tell me to try and rememeber all the good times which I certainly do, but then that just makes me cry. I know that other people saw that you were slowing down, more than I did or maybe it was because I didn't want to, I don't know but I do know that in the last few months and even weeks, so many things have happened that have made me want to just snuggle up to you and squeeze your big old furry neck and you haven't been there.. (Your earth brofur Capone is not a snuggler, but at 11 months, I have to be patient...:O) I don't know Beenie Bean, I am very emotional today and I am just finding myself crying and missing you. Maybe its the weather, maybe its because yesterday marks the day that began the change in my life that I never saw coming that fast. Maybe its because from now and until July 8th, 2009, I will relive what everyday last year was like for me. Like the first night we came home from the vets office and you were still groggy from the anethesia for the xrays... I remember trying to get you out of the car in 95 degree heat with no one to help us and the look on your face that just said, I am sorry mommy, I am trying really hard, but I can't do it! Then our wonderful neighbor came and helped me carry you up the stairs.... I am very sad today Beezer, I miss you more today than the days before.... I wish I could go back in time and freeze us in on June 16, 2008 when we went for a short walk when I got home from work and then just laid on the couch together....
April 23rd 2009 3:57 am
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Beezer today is April 23, your birthday! I am so torn, between being so grateful that today is the day that you were born to be mine and remembering that this is the first April 23rd in 12 years that I did not wake up to wish you a happy birthday and to ask you what you wanted to do to celebrate! You always looked at me like, "a steak would be nice".... LOL, but then again you looked like that pretty much all the time! How many times can you say I miss you before it just doesn't count anymore? How many more tears can I shed from missing you before its "weird"? How many more minutes in a day can I wish that you were still here with me before I run out of hours? I have really good days where I just smile and smile when I think of you and today I want to do that, but I just can't stop the tears from coming. I still feel like I am missing a limb and I just wonder when that ends. I am having the worst time because the truck I bought really for you, becuase you didn't fit in cars, (LOL), has to go away and its one more thing that makes you feel further and further away from me. I have had the car washed, but was clear they were to keep your nose prints on the back window. Now many say its a sign that its time to let go, and I just don't know what that means. Forget? Never!! Move on? Okay, I think I have done that, but I still don't know what that means. I have not stopped living, its just that some days living without you hurts more than others.
March 9th 2009 5:31 am
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Good morning, my sweet angel. Its been awhile since mommy has written and mostly that is because sometimes it hurts me too much to write to you and tell you how much I still miss you! Yesterday, Capone and I went to the St. Paddy's day parade and we had a great time, but then I started thinking (knowing it was your eighth month at the Bridge), why didn't I ever take you to the parade? I know when we moved here you were older and didn't like the noises, etc., but then you know me, I started going over and over it in my head, what else didn't I take you to, or do for you? Like when I got the new couches and I told you, you weren't allowed to lay on them... Now, I know it would have been no big deal and I feel bad! I know, I know, you got to lie on the bed and I always gave you the "I feel guilty" treats... I don't know Big Bear, some days, I simply can't reconcile in my head that you are not here with me. I ran into our old friend from the neighborhood yesterday! It was the first time I saw him since he moved away and you went to the Bridge and the first words out of his mouth were. "How is Beezer doing?" Obviously he didn't know because I haven't seen him in over a year, but it cut right to the core. We talked about how fabulous you were and he told all of the friends that he was with that you were one of the greatest dogs he had ever met, and he has TWO now. And it just got my mind running in circles. There are still the people who think that just because I have Capone now I have completely forgotten you and that I don't mourn over the loss of you, but I know you know different. Sometime when I go to sleep at night, I can still feel you laying on the bed next to me, stretching out in all your glory and size and pushing me to that little tiny corner of the of bed that you thought was just enough for me and I just cry.... Am I babbling too much??? Some days, I just don't know how I get through without your big furry body following me all over the place. I miss you! I will never ever forget you, Beenie Bean. Sorry for being all over the place, I just am feeling very very sad today!
January 23rd 2009 5:20 am
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Hut one..hut two...I got the pigskin handed off to me by my goodpal Cisco Kid. Here are the rules: I'm gett'n my "team" together and we're gonna cross that line and make us a touchdown! Before the ref raises his boney little arms to signal the 6 points I gotta spill the beans (pffht..excuse me!) about myself and then pass the ball to 5 of my furiends who will each do the same. Don't forget to leave me a bone to let me know you got my hand signals and you're in the "game.
January 8th 2009 3:13 am
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Beezer, yesterday, I was so emotional. I cried most of the day and with each tear came a memory, a place we went or a smile we shared, a tear you had licked away to help ease burdens. I am again struck by the loss of words I have to explain how much I miss having you in my life. My true angel both when you were here and now that you are at the Bridge. Not one day goes by that you do not come into my mind a million times it seems. Through the stresses of building this business I have missed the steadfast comfort your big furry body gave to me. The way you could make me feel like even though the world was falling apart, I had strength through your presence. Today was supposed to be Capone's alter surgery and I wanted to cancel it because I didn't want to be at the vet's office on your sixth month anniversary, and then the other day they called to move the appointment, I am assuming you knew better than me that it wasn't a good idea for the two to happen on the same day! And juding by how emotional I am today you were right, this morning when the tears greeted me as I opened my eyes, I know that I wouldn't have been able to go there. The other day, someone remarked on the patience I have with Capone as he goes through his terrible two's and I just smiled knowing it has almost nothing to do with me, but with the strength you send me as a reminder of all the good things to come with him once we get through this. That made me smile because I know with you in my corner flying above me all things are possible.
December 8th 2008 6:08 pm
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Well, I guess you know what I am going to say Big Bear! I miss you... Today was not a good day! Mommy thought something big was going to happen and it did, but then it kinda got taken away.... Why do I miss you more when those things happen??? Why do I cry the hardest when you are not here to hug when life hands me a disappointment?? I am trying to believe more and harder everyday that with you as my angel, I cannot fail, but some days are not as easy as others. You have been at the Bridge for FIVE months today... I can barely believe it! I picture you so clearly, but I am losing that feeling of what you felt like when I would hug you and that just makes my heart so sad!!! I don't want to lose you ever, not the feeling of you, not the thought of you... I hate that you have become my memory..... I miss how you would wake up in the morning all grumpy and talking to me... That's how you earned your name Grumpy Boots the way you used to get up and just talk and talk to me... It was like you knew I hate mornings to and you would start complaining that it was too early.... I also think about how you and Grandma would talk when we would go visit them... It would have the whole house laughing for hours!
November 27th 2008 6:08 am
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Hi Beezer, its mommy... Thank you for visiting me the other night and then agin last night in my dreams... At first I couldn't figure out the meaning and now I know. I was carrying you, just like I did in those final days with the towel behind you and you were looking at me... I couldn't figure out what that look was on your face and yesterday morning I woke up sad and wondering if the look was sadness on your face. Then last night you came to me again, I think to clarify :O) and I realized the look on your face was a smile... I can see your head nodding in approval and I know now that you were thanking me. In the end, I know that we did it together. You were fighting like such a champ to get those legs to work. Do you remember I would hold you up in the living room and sing that song from Santa Clause is Coming to Town.. "Put one paw in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking out the door".... You would look at me like I was nuts but boy did you try.... Anyway, today I am looking back and my heart is sad because I miss you so much on this our first holiday apart, but I am more and more thankful that you choose me to be your mommy and for all the memories I can wrap myself up in when I miss you the most. You were my one true heart, and today I am thankful that I loved you so much and for so long.
November 12th 2008 4:23 am
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Hi guys its me Beezer, my mommy wanted to write in my diary this morning, but I kicked her off told her I would do it because sometimes when she is sad she can't think very straight. Its been four months since I came to the Bridge, well four months and three days to be kinda exact... we can hardly believe it. I miss mommy everyday. Sometimes when I look down on her I just smile and other times, well you know, I want to paw smack her.... She and little Capone are doing great! But yet, I still see this sadness in her because I am not there. Some of you know mommy is tryin to start her own business. In this economy its not easy and even though she gets up everyday and does her best its still hard cause she said she misses mybig furry body and hugging me with her head buried in my thick coat she always felt safe and secure. Yesterday she was so sad she cried all day, and then a friend asked her what was wrong and she said she missed me and do you know what he told her??? That she got Capone too soon... Boy let me tell you I wanted to bite him, but instead I got mommy mad at him and we told him one had nothing to do with the other. Just cause we miss each other doesn't mean she isn't loving Capone and all he brings to her, it just means she misses me. He told her enough time hadn't passed for her to grieve for me and she told him a hundred life times could pass and it still wouldn't be enough time for her to grieve. So today, I am sad for my mommy and I am wishing I didn't have to leave her so soon. I am kinda feeling like I left her at the exact wrong time.... But if I didn't leave to send her Capone he wouldn't get to have the life that I had and that wouldn't be fair because I got 11 amazing years...and now he gets to see what that is all about.... I hope she doesn't cry again today, but I am looking down on her and I think the weather forecast may be calling for a 60% chance of tears.. If you guys get a minute, can you send her some love and encouragement? She is really needing it right now. Love to you all, see you at the pond.
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