When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

When tomorrow starts without me
And I'm not there to see
The sun will rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today
Remembering how I'd lay my head
In your lap that special way

I know how much you love me
As much as I love you
And each time that you think of me
I know you'll miss me too

But when tomorrow starts without me
Please try to understand
That an angel came and called my name
And petted me with her hand

She said my place was ready
In Heaven far above
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love

But, as I turned to heel away
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life I never thought
That I would have to die

I had so much to live for
So many sits and downs to do
It seemed almost impossible
That I was leaving you

I thought about our lives together
I know you must be sad
I thought of all the love we shared
And all the fun we had

Remember how I'd nudge your hand
And poke you with my nose
The frisbee I would gladly chase
The bad guy, I'd "bark and hold"

If I could relive yesterday
Just even for awhile
I'd wag my tail and kiss you
Just so I could see you smile

But, then I fully realized
That this could never be
For emptiness and memories
Will take the place of me

And when I thought of treats and toys
I might miss come tomorrow
I thought of you and when I did
My dog-heart filled with sorrow

But then I walked through Heaven's gate
And felt so much at home
As God looked down and smiled at me
From His beautiful golden throne

He said, "This is eternity
And now we welcome you
Today your life on earth is past
But here it starts anew

I promise no tomorrow
But today will always last
For you see, each days the same day
There's no longing for the past

Now you have been so faithful
So trusting, loyal and true
Though there were times you did things
You knew you shouldn't do


But good dogs are forgiven
And now at last you're free
So won't you sit here by my side
And wait right here with me”

So when tomorrow starts without me
Don't think we're far apart
For every time you think of me
I'm right there, in your heart

***Happy 5th Birthday to ME!***

Happy Birthday to me!
Happy Birthday to me!
Happy Birthday to Big Z!
Happy Birthday to me!

Horray! It's my 5th Birthday!

Today has been great so far!

"Grandma" came by this morning -- and said hello to me. However, I didn't much care. I appreciate the thought and everything -- but it was BREAKFAST time!

The celebratory Birthday ribeyes have arrived -- and are fixin' to get grilled up all juicy and warm! Bring 'em on, baby!

Mom was a tad bit upset, because the place she likes to buy our meat (that is a bit of a drive for them) was closed today. THE NERVE! She wanted to get me yummy thick fresh-cut to her specification size steaks -- and maybe a RMB or two for me for my big day. She settled for some pre-packaged ribeyes -- but says that I only deserve the best on my big day -- so was quite dissapointed that they were closed on my Birthday.

Other than that, I got some Plato Salmon Strips (which are my favorite) and some yummy new Sojos Duck and Cherry cookies that I've never tried before. YUM!

My Prednisone is making me super-de-duper ravenous -- and I got ahold of a 20oz. bag of my EVO cookies and demolished every last crub of them the other day -- so I am in dire need of cookies! My Auntie Shaun, cousin Cassius and guardian angel Diesel also sent me some beyond delish cookies on Christmas Eve that I've been snacking on, too! How luck am I?

Well, everypup! I can practically smell them in front of me now! I better go wipe the drool off my jowel before I get it on Mom's keyboard! I bet that wouldn't go over so well!

Signed,
The Birthday Boy, Zeus!

Not much of an update...

Z's incision is very slow healing -- very slow. We absolutely cannot start his chemo until it is healed, and it is nowhere near it because of his immune system. It's so very frustrating knowing with every day that passes he could be getting sicker, and that I can't do anything about it.

His spirits still seem high -- though he is not eating with his usual vim and vigor. He still eats all that is sat in front of him, but five times slower than it would generally take him.

He left one of his antibiotic capsules and his vitamin-c tablet in his bowl this morning -- and when I went to pill him (put it down the back of his throat) -- it was the first time that he's ever spit it back out. I'm opting to take it as a good thing -- his being able to protest me like that.

And overall -- I think he just wants to go outside and sunbathe -- but his terrible Mom won't let him because I don't want him getting anything in his incision -- which has pulled through a couple of sutures and it somewhat gaping in spots. I probably should let him -- since it's one of his favorite simple pleasures in life -- but I want that dang thing healed!

Grace is doing much better and adjusting quite well to not being constanatly at his side. For the first 2 weeks he was "sick" -- she refused to perch up on her "blue tube" outside. (It's her private watch spot up on the hill. She can see over the fence into the forest, and look down upon the driveway for intruders, and no other dog is stealthy enough to jump up on that tube but her -- so it's her own throne to oversee her kingdom.) Last night, like the family matriarch, she was finally back up on her tube, cursing at a pack of rowdy coyotes nearby in the forest. Zeus has always been the authority guarding the property with Grace following along in his shadow timidly -- but she seems to have taken the responsibility over all on her own now -- and with enthusiasm and a great demand for respect. I'm happy to finally see her happy again.

Madison-Wisconsin

Today we ordered a immunohistochemical stain through the lab -- which will be helpful to determine the exact cell of origin (T vs. B
cell lymphosarcoma). We really (really, really, really) need it to be B cell. It may be twoards the end of the week before we get results for this.

We sent in a complete blood panel (superchem, CBC and T4). On his CBC we're really hoping he doesn't have any underlying katastrophies like leukemia. As far as the lymphoma is concerned, we really have our fingers crossed that his calcium isn't elevated. Because if it is, his prognosis isn't as good.

Dr. Larry (a Bullmastiff guy and veterinarian) helped me look at different chemo protocols this weekend -- and had me convinced to go for the Madison-Wisconsin protocol -- which wasn't a hard feat. My boss asked me if I had been reading about protocols and what I thought -- and when I said I thought we should do the Madison-Wisconsin protocol he got a big ol' grin and nodded and was obviously relieved he wasn't going to have to talk me into a protocol I didn't want.

Right now -- we're trying to locate drugs. We're having a hard time locating the vincristine, cyclophosphomide and doxyrubricin we need.

As long as the labwork all comes back the way we want it to -- and when his leg incision is healed -- we will start his chemo.

UPDATE!: Zeus' bloodwork looks absolutely fantastic. His white blood cell count is slightly elevated -- but that can easily be attributed to his healing incisions. His calcium level is normal -- which is phenomenal. We are waiting for his stains to come back still -- but that is no surprise. If all continues to go well, we may start his chemo at the end of this week. :)

Histopath Results

My heart is absolutely broken.

It is nonepitheliotropic lymphosarcoma. It could be a primary cutaneous lymphosarcoma, but they can't totally rule out the possibility of a cutaneous manifestation of underlying systemic lymphosarcoma.

I don't even know what to say right now.

My big long week...

They say I could be sick -- but I think you have the wrong dog here, people!

About two weeks ago -- my Mom saw strang red bumps arising. First on my boy parts -- then on the inside of my thigh -- and then they started to multiply before our very own eyes.

On Monday -- Mom came home in the middle of her shift and was very upset. She said she had been worrying sick about the bumps for a week and couldn't put it off anymore because the worry was eating her alive. I love going to work with her, and was oh-so very excited! I got to see the good ol' doc -- and I laid on my back and Mom gave me kisses and rubbed my belly while he stuck a needle in the one that Mom had pegged as the one that worried her the most and got some shrapnel out of it.

He put the shrapnel on a little piece of glass and looked at it under a funny lookin' pair of binoculars. He told Mom he didn't know what in the world it was -- but that he was worried about it. So, they sent the shrapnel into the big boys to tell them what it was.

The next day, the results came back. The professionals too had no idea what in the world it was -- but didn't like the looks of it either. They told them that they needed a hunk of me to be able to really tell what it was. I said that that's fine -- there's plenty of me to go around!

On Wednesday I had surgery. They took the biggest bump off of my boy parts and one right above my hock that I had been nursing and licking at. Mom seemed upset -- because she said there were so many more bumps on me than she had realized -- and I even had little ones that were waiting to grow up and be big ones. I told her not to worry -- that I knew she'd fix me like she always does. I don't remember much from that day as I was rather groggy.

Yesterday, Thursday, as soon as Mom woke up in the morning and went to check on me in my crate and I was panting rather hard and had dried saliva all over my face and my party hat and stuck all chunky in my mouth. When she took my party hat off -- I went and drank a big slug of water. She prepared my breakfast like usual, mainly because she really wanted to get my antibiotics and pain medication into me because she thought I might be hurting. She sat my food down -- and for the first time EVER in my life I didn't eat it ravenously and walked right past it with disinterest. Her heart dropped down to her toes and her eyes filled with tears and worry. I started pacing, and she let me outside. As she was watching me walk around so uncomfortably -- she noticed how huge my stomach was. She had seen this before in me -- it was bloat. A long time ago Mommy fixed me, like she always does, when my stomach got big and I got sick. So now she told me my stomach couldn't ever hurt like that again -- but she was still worried. She loaded me into the car and drove like a madwoman to the clinic, still in her PJs.

Dad came up to the clinic shortly after -- as he was sleeping since he gets home from work early in the morning and sat with me in the clinic while Mom ran some tests on me. Mom had called my doctor in (it was their morning off) -- and he came in quickly to check on me. I kept burping, which was good. (Mom doesn't mind my bad manners. She LOVES burp-kisses!) He thought it was a side effect of the atropine I had had during surgery the day before and me coming out of anesthetic badly. He also thought that if my bumps were a certain kind of bumps -- that maybe they got mad that they were being messed with and they could have been getting back at me for trying to let my Mom fix me up. Mom also thought the stress of the party hat which I oh-so despise had something to do with my big belly.

This morning, I am fantastic. Grace comes and lays in my crate with me sometimes -- but Mom doesn't want us rough housing so I have to stay in here. Grace whines and cries because I am away from her a lot. She's never been seperate from me a single day or hour since she came to our home. Even if I go in to the doctor, she goes too. Mom is worried about her also. Her being away from me that is -- but she says there's nothing she can do to fix Grace's problem because she has the same one too, and knows there's nothing you can do for it.

My final test results are supposed to be in today -- and Mom is a nervous wreck. Her eyes are almost always filled with tears -- but she always smiles at me and tells me how much she loves me. I always respond back with a big ol' tail THUD -- which I know is her favorite response.

I know she loves me more than anything in this world -- and I know she'll fix me. Like she always does.

Awe, shucks!

OMD! I'm Dogster's DOTD! I am so beyond honored - I can't even begin to say!

First and foremost - I'd like to thank Dogster. Obviously, without you all none of this would be possible. I'd like to thank-you for bringing us together with other incredible canine owners - and mostly for bringing us together with some incredible people, which brings me to...

My Bullmastiff Aunties and cousins. I love each and every one of you more than I could ever begin to say - with all of my heart. You truly are my family and our best friends. There are no people like Bullmastiff people - and no dog like a Bullmastiff. You have our hearts, friendship and love forever.

Next are my pawrents - who are incredible in their own right. I want to thank my Dad for never (ever) being stingy on the kibble - even when Mom is on his back about it - and exceeding the daily ration of cookies without a second thought. And to my Mom for doing her downright darndest to take care of me - all of my special needs - and wants, too. Through all of my trials and tribulations - she has been there - right by my side - never looked back - and never for a second let me forget how incredibly deeply she loves me.

I suppose I should thank my little sister - Grace - too. However, for what? I'm not quite sure.

Grace, thank-you for bullying me out of the water bucket on a daily basis, body slamming me out of the way when I'm getting the attention you believe you deserve, stealing my special piece of firewood and barking at me excessively when I am not obeying your every wish and demand while I am trying to take my naps. Thank-you for keeping me young - when I was born an old soul - and always keeping me on my tippy toes. Thank-you for your companionship and your un-wavering and un-dying love, devotion and loyalty. You may be a pest and a total brat - but I can't imagine life without you anymore. You are my best friend - and life without you just wouldn't be living.

With love - and thank you ALL again,
Zeusmeister

My Dad...

My Dad is leaving today. He'll be gone for awhile.

Mom says economy laid off Dad from his job, so he has to leave us. I don't quite know who economy is, but if I ever see him I'm going to rip him to shreds for sending my Dad away and making my Mom cry so much.

Dad says he'll be back once a month, and promised me this. Personally speaking, once a month Dad just isn't enough.

When Mom is running late who will feed us? Who will change our big heavy water bucket? Who will give me extra kibble? Who will shower me with cookies? Who's little man will I be?

I don't want my Dad to leave. It makes Mom really sad. I could swear to you she was crying while she was asleep last night. I try to hold her hand and tell her it will be alright like I always do to fix things, but this time around it just doesn't work. She just cries, and sobs, and cries some more.

How many tears does a human have to cry before they run out of them? I hope they run out soon because seeing my Mom so sad makes me so sad too.

Please pray for my Dad and his safety on his journey. Please pray that they add jobs back here in Kansas City as soon as possible. Please pray that my Mom stops crying soon. She's been really sick for a week now and I think the crying just makes her more sick all over again.

I miss my Dad already.

Please help us find Dr. Zhivago!

Dr. Zhivago, the family member of our beloved Bea, went missing last night (1/5/09) out of his yard at approximately 9:00 pm in Melrose, Florida.

The doc is an adult black brindle intact male French Bulldog. He is smaller than your average male (or female for that matter) French Bulldog at about 18 pounds of muscle and is very stout and cobby.

We have reason to believe he was stolen. All of the females in the house are coming into heat, so we find it hard to believe that he'd take off because of that.

His owner, a single older woman is beside herself with grief. She looked for him all night and all of this morning. Please, no matter where you are, if you could send this on so we could get the word out that would be fantastic.

If anybody happens to see or hear anything, feel free to contact myself. I will keep you up to date if I hear anything further.

Please help us find Dr. Z!

And today? Today I am 4.

It has been an outstanding day. Not too warm, not too cold. The sun came out to play so I could sun myself and take a nice, calm, warm, relaxing afternoon nap out on my hill. As far as days are concerned I'm almost certain it can't get much better than this.

The day started off with Mom screaming, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEETHEART!" with a big grin and tears in her eyes. I know to her I am always her special little gentleman, but today was my special day and mine only. I did my morning stretching as I woofed at her with glee which just made her beam more because I never use my voice in that particular manner. She knew I knew, and that was my gift to her.

She let me do two big no-no's - jumping up on her (which used to be called "giving hugs" before Mom got this new blasted behaviorist friend - yeah - you know who you are and you're on my list), and giving her gobs of kisses at the same time (which the behaviorist lady also advised us not to do because of my "dominant tendancies" or whatever). I miss those kisses, and so does Mom. But for today and today only, it was one heck of a gift. For who though? Probably us both.

Mom and Dad had a human's fourth Birthday party to go to today, but they talked it over and decided that I am their first child and that I am way less bratty than the furless four year old, so I win. They skipped the party to be home with me today. Was there ever any doubt they would?

Later on Mom went and got my Birthday ribeyes - the annual tradition for my Birthday. As soon as she got home she was saddened to hear that Dad (the self-proclaimed "grill master") had gotten called to work, so in order for the steaks to be grilled ("correctly" as Dad says) they had approximately one hour to cook 'em up good!

Grace and I went outside to help out, and man it took forever! Dad asked Mom why she got three ribeyes instead of two and she reminded him that we needed to cook one for and in honor of little Bea, too! It's not her fault she has to miss my Birthday! He rolled his eyes, but inside we all know he's happy because he'll get end up tearing into that steak later!

Grace got in trouble numerous times for sneaking around to lick and steal the flipper thingy-mabobber Dad was using to turn the steaks, but quite honestly I expected nothing less of her. In between it all Mom was trying to take snapshots and video on her cell phone which is absolutely terrible for both of those things. She didn't have her camera for this most special occasion which she is and will continue to be uber mortified about for quite some time. She ended up sending a video and pictures of my Birthday steak praperation to many of my incredible Bullmastiff Aunties, all of which have made today another special day for little ol' me!

All in all, today was one heckuva day! With family and friends like the ones I've got here on Dogster, my Bullmastiff Aunties, my extended furiends and family there's not too much more a guy could ask for to begin with . But if there was anything else? I'm pretty sure I got the rest of it today.

Most importantly, Mom and I made the best deal ever today. My Birthday always makes her very emotional (with another year past and all), so she promised that for every Birthday I stick around with her - no matter what - forever and ever - she will fix me a very special Birthday steak. I promised to give her all the time in the world and that with beef or no beef that I'll try my darndest never ever to leave her side. You can bet your bottom dollar on that!

Happy Birthday to me. Here's to many (many, many, many) more to come, too. Cheers!